Tanner and Esme

Epilogue (Tanner): What I Had Done

I used to say I'd earned back Esme's love, but when I thought about it more, I realized that wasn't entirely accurate. The love Esme originally had for me had been tenuous to begin with, an unspoken, undemanding, uncertain love that was more the result of proximity and youth than anything I'd done to deserve it or earn it. When she'd found me in the office with Mindy, I believe that fragile love had crumbled and disintegrated into nothing. I'd been good to her, but I sure as hell hadn't given her all of me. And she hadn't given me all of her, either. We were two young adults who were joined together because of an unplanned pregnancy and we made the best of it, even as I viewed my past with idealized glasses and allowed it to be more than it was, letting it blind me to all that was Esme, all that we could have if I'd just let go of my old dreams and embrace the new ones.

By the time I had that clarity, it was too late, and I was left answering the question that played like a refrain: what had I done?  The golden child learned he had feet of clay, but fortunately, I learned a great deal in the time after Esme divorced my ass. I grew up when faced with the hurt I'd dealt a wonderful, innocent woman whose only mistake was being married to me. Through therapy, I learned about who I wanted to be, as a man, a husband and a father. Even as a businessman. And I learned about how I wanted to love Esme and how I should love her. The basics were there, but they needed to be strengthened.

Then it became not so much winning back her love but building a different, mature love between us. Something new. Something real. Something honest, with nothing held back this time. My walls were down, and I was done looking over my shoulder at the past because all I could see in front of me was Esme.

The night I had my second date with Esme, she'd surprised me by telling me she wasn't going to date anyone else and she'd be dating me exclusively. Hadn't expected that, but I'd wanted to throw myself at her feet in gratitude, in that overwhelming feeling of being humbled by receiving a gift I did not deserve. It was what I'd been hoping to hear someday, but I'd figured that day was a long way off. Definitely not on our second date.

"Are you sure?" I'd asked, then I'd wanted to kick myself. "I don't want to rush you into this. I'm happy as hell, Ez, but I want you to be absolutely certain."

Her eyes were steady on mine. "I'm agreeing to exclusivity, Tanner. Not to a marriage proposal."

Damn.

"I don't want to hurry into anything, either, but I don't feel like this decision is hurrying. You've been showing me who you are basically since we divorced. You became my friend, Tanner, and you showed your support for me in every way you could so I could go back to school when I was unsure of it. That meant a lot to me, and I've been noticing everything you've done to show me you're different now. So, I'm willing to give us a chance to see where we go, and we can't do that unless we're exclusive," she explained. "We may find we don't work."

Like hell. That wouldn't be an outcome.

"And with Jude and Liora and our own hearts at stake, I'm happy to date you for a while so we can be sure, Tanner. This time, we aren't under a perceived time crunch, we aren't two young, stupid kids and we're coming at a relationship in an entirely different way. I won't even think about anything beyond dating until I graduate. That means we won't move in together, and we'll still share custody of our children. Then, after I'm done with school, we can see where we are, see what we're truly feeling."

Almost two more years. Dammit.

"Whatever you want, Esme. You set the pace and I'll walk beside you however fast or slow you want to go. Whatever you decide is fine with me, and we'll use this time to really get to know each other. I told you before, I want to know everything about you."