Tanner and Esme

Chapter 20 (Tanner): The Second Time

"Fortune favors the bold." ~ Virgil

"Mom," I called to her before she made it through the door.

She turned back to me, her face oddly hopeful. "What is it, Tanner?"

"I would have gone after Ez right away. I wanted to, but after what I did to her, I knew I didn't deserve that and for the first time, I put Esme's needs before my own. There was a lot of growing up I needed to do before I went after her. Like you said, I was still the same person who hurt her, so I needed time to become a person who wouldn't hurt her ."

Mom walked back over to me and took my face gently in her hands. 

"And you have been. I've seen it, Tanner. I've seen your growth this last year and admired the work you put into yourself. You're more considerate, thoughtful and compassionate. Your dad said you're more in tune with the people reporting to you than you've ever been. Your department morale is the highest in the company and that's due in a large part to you and the way you've been managing and supporting your direct reports."

Taking her hands from my face, she stepped back from me and took my hand between hers.

"You were always a good dad, Tanner, but you've even improved there, too. You're really present with them, and it shows. But most of all, the way you've been with Esme -- working to become her friend, trying to be there for her, offering to help with the children when it's not technically your time with them so she can study and go to school, the money you gave her from selling your motorcycles and car -- yes, I knew about that. You've changed your focus from inward to outward, past to present and that's huge, something many people never achieve. Your first concern is no longer yourself. It's Esme and the children. I honestly don't think you're the same man who hurt her anymore. I think you'd treasure her heart this time."

Damn straight I would, and I was going to do anything to get the chance.

"But I'm not ready to go after Ez, yet. I need a little more time."

"Time for what, Tanner?" 

I thought it would be obvious, but I guess if she was asking it wasn't so I needed to explain. Even after a year of twice-a-week-therapy, I still hesitated before expressing my deepest thoughts and feelings. 

"Time to make myself perfect for her. I'm not good enough yet."

"Oh, Tanner, I hate to break it to you, but you will never be perfect. I love your father, but he's far from perfect. And it's hard to believe, I know," and here she smiled self-deprecatingly at me, "but I'm not perfect either. And that's OK because your father and I are imperfect together. But we balance each other out. He's strong where I'm weak, and I'm strong where he's weak."

"Esme deserves better, Mom. She deserves the best."

"You know, Tanner, any man who can understand that the woman he loves deserves better than him is a man who will spend time making sure that even though he's not perfect, he'll do anything to ensure her happiness and make up for his shortcomings. And she'll do the same for you. So, give up this idea you have of needing to be perfect before you can go after Esme. Show her who you are now. Show her you're not the same man who hurt her before. Show her all the ways you've been working on yourself, all the ways it'll be different if you move forward together, all the ways you're still hoping to improve."

"I just hope it's enough."

"I do, too. But Tanner, don't expect her to be the same Esme you were married to. She's been working on herself this last year. I know you've noticed because you can't miss her growing confidence, the way she'll speak out now where before she kept things to herself. But I think the changes you've both made are going to be critical to your future together."

"Esme told me right before the divorce that I was so busy looking at the past that I missed what I had, what was right in front of me. Who the hell does that? Who has something really, really good and can't even see it?"

"It's more common than you might think," she told me. "People hold on to past loves, to past hurts, to past triumphs, to past relationships all the time...they never move ahead and get past things or become more than they were. I see and hear about that all the time from my friends. The second wife who's compared to the saintly first wife who probably wasn't appreciated until it was too late. Her husband can't see his new wife for the gem she is because he's built up his first wife in his mind. The star athletes in high school and college who never made it to the pros...they've been treated like royalty all those years and then it's over, school ends, their chance is gone and they don't know how to cope without all the praise and adulation. They don't feel special anymore so they hold onto their glory days instead of forging ahead with the new chapter of their lives. And that's just a couple of examples."

"I get it, Mom," I told her, "but I still should have been better than that."

"Yes, you should have. Definitely. But the point is, we all should be better. Some of us have more to make up for than others, and your betrayal is one of the worst there is to overcome, Tanner. Let's not sugar coat it. You have a lot of work ahead of you if you want Esme back. Don't go after her if you think you can't love her and treasure her for exactly who she is. If you have one single doubt as to whether you can love that beautiful girl the way she deserves to be loved, don't you dare go after her or I'll die just so I can come back and haunt you."

My lips twitched briefly at the threat.

"I'll leave you with one more thought. You have two little lives depending on you. They're looking to you and Esme for their examples about what a relationship should and shouldn't look like. What do you want to show Jude and Liora about how they should love their partners? What do you want to show your children about how they should expect to be loved?"

When you put behavior in terms of your children, your whole outlook can shift in an instant. Mine had already during my year of therapy, but those questions of my mother's gave me an entirely new line of thought to consider.

"Mom, I have no idea if I even have a chance with her."

"I can't help you there." She shrugged. "Early on, Esme set the rules with me. We would not discuss you except in terms of your role as the father of Jude and Liora. She's stuck to that without fail, so I don't know where she stands on you."

Fair enough.

"I'm going to find out."

"You do that, Tanner. I'm rooting for you."

"Then do you think you could maybe stop setting her up on dates?" My frustration was evident.

"Maybe ask Esme how all of that came about, son."

"I'll do that, too," I said. "Can you keep Jude and Liora for a bit?"

"Of course we can. I guess you're done waiting if you're going over now?"

"She can say no if she can't talk because she needs to study, but I'll find out when she can talk and get on her calendar."

"Maybe it's a good thing to go now. Fortune favors the bold, son, as the old saying goes."

I could only hope that was true, I thought, as I headed to Esme's for the second time that day.

Determined and bold.