Tanner and Esme

Chapter 18 (Tanner): The Pressure Was Building

"Mom, can I talk to you?"

I stood on the porch of my childhood home and she opened the front door wide and let me in. We walked into the living room together and sat on the couch. I took a deep breath and just jumped right to it.

"I want you to know that I've started therapy. You were right about...everything. So I began seeing a therapist a few weeks ago."

That announcement settled between us for a minute before she spoke.

"You need to figure things out, Tanner, and I think this will help you do that," she'd said gently. "I'm so glad you're taking this step, honey, and I'm proud of you."

At that bit of maternal support, I'd lost it and all the pain I'd caused Esme exploded out of me. My mother sat beside me and held my hand tightly as if I was Jude's age while I cried from the shame, the disgust and the disappointment I felt for my actions. But mostly, the emotion pouring out of me was for the way I'd hurt and betrayed Esme. I kept choking out the same words that came from such a deep place inside of me that they were guttural: I hurt her. I hurt Esme. I hurt her.

When I'd let it all out, I'd gotten to my feet, pacing. I couldn't remember the last time I'd cried, and knew I'd never cried that hard before. I'd also be perfectly happy to never cry like that again. It'd made me feel like a child but, at the same time, I felt like I'd just put all childish things behind me and had finally -- finally -- grown up.

"What the hell just happened? What the fuck was that?" I'd asked, never having experienced a deluge of emotions like that before in my life. Never had I felt that out of control, helpless to stop the storm that broke me wide open.

"That, Tanner," my mother said softly, "was remorse."

We'd been rebuilding our relationship since that day. She'd been fully supportive of me, and seeing that I was trying to become a better person and correct the dysfunction within me that had allowed me to hurt Esme had gone a long way in healing the divide between us.

Now I was waiting anxiously for Esme to answer her phone. One ring. Two rings.

"Tanner! Are the children OK?" she asked the second she answered right before the third ring.

"They're fine, Ez. No worries. I was just wondering if I could stop by to talk to you for a few minutes. About something Jude said that has me a little concerned."

"Sure. It could be something he picked up from school. I've been hearing all sorts of wild things from him for the last few weeks since school began."

It wasn't something he'd picked up from school.

"I'm going to be passing Starbucks. Can I pick up a caramel latte and a cheese danish for you?"

"Oh, no need, Tanner, but thanks."

Please let me do something for you. However small...

"Well, text me if you change your mind. I'll drop Jude and Liora at my parents' and be right over."

"Are you sure everything's OK? This sounds serious if you want to talk without the children."

"It's fine. Just something I need clarified without little ears around."

Like if you're dating a motherfucking asshole who kisses you and asks if you want the D. The big D. 

"Got it. Then I'll see you in a bit."

All the way over to my mother's, listening to my children in the backseat, I was trying to figure out the context for Big Daddy. He sounded like a total asshole. Who the hell calls himself Big Daddy anyway? A motherfucker, obviously.