Tanner and Esme

Chapter 30 (Tanner): Out Of Control

I knocked on Esme's door, my heart beating a crazy rhythm in my chest with all the nerves and excitement I was feeling. This is what we'd skipped over when we first met. Dating. The anticipation. The wonder of getting to know someone, the dazed, happy feeling that this person exists. 

We'd started at a chance meeting at a college party, we were instantly attracted to one another, moved straight to sex, and a baby had been the result. Then we'd been focused on Jude and figuring out how marriage worked between two people who were essentially strangers.

I knew Ez now, but I wanted to know even more. I wanted to know the minutiae about her life, those little memories and stories you reminisce about with family and friends who shared your life growing up or at certain times -- and I wanted to know those stories to the smallest detail as well as she did. Basically, I wanted to know her better than anyone else in the world. If she'd ever take me back, I wanted to be her best friend as well as her husband.

When she opened the door, for a minute I was astounded (Holy shit, Esme! Let's stay in so I can peel you out of that dress!), then a bit grumpy for a split second (Did she wear dresses like this for her other dates?), then back to awed (She looked so fucking stunning). Her red lips made me want to push her against a wall and remove that gorgeous color from her lips with my mouth.

When you first saw her, it looked like Esme was wearing a sheer dress with bold flowers randomly scattered in strategic places. When I looked closer, I realized that underneath was a flesh-colored slip dress. 

"You look amazing, Esme," I said to her. "Beautiful. Stunning."

"Thank you," she said, and then I remembered I had flowers in my hand for her and held them out.

"For you. Daisies because you like them and because the florist told me they symbolize new beginnings, and I was feeling very hopeful about our date tonight."

"Come on in while I put them in water," she said, her eyes on my face, a smile playing on her lips in response to my smile.

"No hurry. We have half an hour until our reservation and it's only fifteen minutes away."

We chatted but I couldn't say about what since I was still admiring Esme and chanting she agreed to a date, she agreed to a date, this amazing, beautiful woman agreed to a date with me in my head.

When we walked down to my SUV, my fingers itched to grab her hand, to pull her closer to my side, but I resisted. After dinner, when I was driving her home, I'd take her hand and hold it all the way home.

As I'd promised her, we talked and laughed all through dinner, my eyes never leaving her for more than the time it took to cut a piece of my steak. We ate slowly, she had a glass of wine and, as I'd told her, I was fucking jealous of that glass when her lips sipped at the wine. I was happier than I'd been since I'd fucked up our lives.

"Trent stopped by right before you came to pick me up."

My body locked up tight. Maybe after I held her hand on the way home, I was going to have to beat the shit out of my brother if he'd said shit or in any way upset Ez.

"Why? What the hell did he want?"

"I'm not exactly sure. He apologized in his own Trenty way, and he said he's going away."

"To where?"

"He's going to travel the world. Said he's going to tell you and your dad on Monday. Since he never showed me any loyalty, I feel no need to keep that a secret -- and he never asked me not to say anything."

"You don't owe him anything, but he had no right to bother you." I was trying not to start throwing shit, but I was so pissed I had no idea what to do with all of this fury boiling inside me.

"I really think he was trying to say he was sorry," Ez said soothingly, obviously still able to read me. "Based on how awkward it was, I'm assuming he didn't have a lot of practice with apologizing."

"I don't like that he showed up at your place, Ez. I'm trying to make things right with you and if he fucked that up --"

"He didn't," she assured me. "Trent doesn't have any sway with me either way."

I closed my eyes for a minute, allowing the anger to drain. I didn't want him to ruin the date.

"It's kind of ironic, Tanner. He said he's going to travel the world, take pictures. In a way, he's going to have the life you wanted to lead."

"You think you have these dreams," I said, "and it seems like the worst thing in the world when they don't come true. Then you look back and realize they weren't meant to be, that they were replaced with something even bigger and better, and you come to understand that the life you're leading is the dream."

"Maybe it's the excitement. Traveling, seeing new places, experiencing new things. Life constantly changing," Ez mused, her eyes looking distant, trying to understand.

Reaching across the table, I touched her cheek with my fingertips to draw her eyes back to me.

"I like to think I've learned a lot since I fucked up, Esme. Maybe exciting is all about perspective. I think about Jude losing his first tooth, I think of Liora when she learned to walk, I think of their absolute wildness just before Christmas, their shining eyes when they laugh over something ridiculous, the way they reveal the way they see the world...and then there's you, Esme. Your smile, your touches, your love for Jude and Liora, and I don't know how life can get any more exciting or beautiful than that."

I wanted nothing more than to lean across the table and kiss her for that soft look in her eyes, but I needed to make her understand everything.

"Say that old dream came true, Ez -- I could jump out of a plane, ski Black Diamond runs but when I landed on the ground or finished the run, what would I actually have except a brief memory? I'd have to go chasing the next thrill, find something bigger, more dangerous, but that would get old quickly. I made that mistake once, thinking I was missing out because I was too young and stupid to see what I had, but it turns out the thrill I thought I was missing out on wasn't a thrill at all. You were. You and the children and the life we had."

She was watching me now, eyes intent.

"Dreams can act like smoke and mirrors, clouding your vision and judgment. I missed what I had right in front of me, but the smoke cleared and I figured it out in such a way that I'll never make that mistake again. I see you, Ez. And whether you take me back or not, I'll only ever see you."

Picking up her wine glass, she put her lips to the rim and took a sip...then she drained it and smiled brightly at me.

"I'm ready for dessert."

As promised, we were supposed to share a chocolate dessert, but I watched her as she ate it, her soft sighs making me think I'd never be able to leave the table. Our conversation turned to lighter topics, and I worried that I'd blown the evening with her by discussing our past that I'd so thoroughly blown up.

We talked until we had to leave, and on the way home, I held her hand on my thigh, my thumb running over her knuckles. I walked her up to the door, and when she turned to me, I stepped closer until her back was against the door. I put my hands on her hips and my lips skimmed against hers.

"There was one last thing I promised you tonight, Esme." 

"I've been hoping you wouldn't forget that part."

I lowered my head, my lips remembering all of the kisses we'd shared in the past. My mouth on hers was both familiar and new, and then I wasn't thinking at all as her mouth opened to mine and we kissed for the first time in a long, long time. There was nothing sweet or nostalgic about this kiss, it was longing and heat and wanting and pure fucking desire -- and only when I felt my hands pushing up the skirt of her dress did I back away.

We both were a little surprised by how quickly it had gotten out of control.

"We're going out again next Saturday."

"I'd like that, Tanner." 

"Now get inside and don't let me follow you in." Because I'll fuck you for the next twenty-four hours straight.

She did, and I walked to my car, my thoughts filled with Esme.