Tanner and Esme

Chapter 19 (Tanner): Do Something About It

Don't react. Don't react.

"You've been dating." I knew my voice was flat, but maybe she wouldn't notice. On the plus side, it wasn't angry and accusatory because I had no right to be, even if that's how I felt.

But as my therapist said, look at not only how you're feeling, but why you're feeling that way. I was feeling panicked and angry, but the panic was because I obviously felt like I was losing Esme. Completely stupid since our divorce decree clearly stated I'd already lost her, but as long as she wasn't dating, I had a chance. A miniscule chance, but a chance that I held onto as I worked through my issues. I was feeling angry, but when I thought about it, I was angry at myself, not Esme. Angry that I'd cheated on Esme, freeing her from our marriage to pursue happiness with other men. The words she'd said to me the night before our divorce was final were always in my head.

Tanner, our divorce is a good thing. You're free to be with whoever you want now. And I'm free, too. I'm free to find someone to love me, commit to me and build a good, strong relationship with. One that's built on love and desire and respect, not duty, not because he thinks he needs to do the right thing.

She cocked her head at me and was currently staring at me. Yeah, she'd noticed my flat tone. "Yes, I have been dating as I'm sure you have, too, since you started dating again while we were still married."

Life needed a fucking Edit button because I would have gone back and edited the hell out of the four years we were married. I would have made the right decisions, the decisions that prioritized Esme's feelings and not my own. I would have treasured Ez the way I should have all along, let go of the past and appreciated and loved Esme the way she deserved. 

The way I was determined to do. I just needed to make her see that I'd been changing. That I was different. That I wouldn't hurt her like that again. That I'd love her so deeply and thoroughly she'd be happy and secure in my love.

In the months leading up to and since our divorce, I felt like I'd gotten to know a different side to Esme that I'd never seen while we were married. In a strange way, she seemed freer than when we were married, like she could say whatever the fuck she wanted without a thought to my feelings...and did. She was determined and focused and succeeding at school like I'd always known she would. Although some bitterness at my cheating came through occasionally -- like she'd shown today -- she treated me with much more grace than I deserved. 

She smiled when I arrived to pick up or drop off the children, she waved goodbye sweetly, she sent me pictures of the children during the day, and she let me talk to them every night and whenever I wanted. I returned the favors. We had an unspoken agreement that we would make the custody arrangement as easy for the children and for each of us as possible. We both hated being away from our children, so the pictures and the calls helped get us through our time away from them. My respect for and appreciation of Esme and her huge heart, subtle wit and intelligence grew daily it seemed. I was always discovering new things about her, unexpected facets of her personality, or little quirks, that I adored. Maybe they'd always been there and my head had been too far up the past's ass to notice, but I noticed now.

Now when it could be too late. Now when the only emotion I had the right to feel was missing her.

"Esme, I'm not dating anyone and I have no plans to date anyone." Except you. "I know I apologized for cheating on you back when it happened, when we were in the thick of it and dealing with all the fallout from the mess I created with my betrayal, but I want you to know, now, today, that I am sorry. I've been sorry every single day that we've been apart."

"Sorry for what exactly?"

"I want to talk to you about it, but you need to study, and the type of conversation we need to have where I apologize for all of the ways I wronged you is going to take a while. And...after I apologize for everything, I want to tell you something, but I can't quite yet. Soon, though."