Tanner and Esme

Chapter 16 (Esme): A Big Step

Jude's third Christmas was the most fun yet because he was old enough to really understand presents. As usual, once the excitement was over, Madeline was taking pictures of me with Jude in front of the tree. Tanner was having a deep discussion with Trent, and he didn't like what his brother was saying, I could tell. Trying not to be too nosy, I focused on smiling at Jude while he giggled and laughed at the dinosaur toy he refused to put down.

When Madeline called Tanner over, he immediately walked away from Trent, but something in his face was off. He came over and kissed me, deeply, then took Jude from my arms and smiled at me.

I realized Tanner's smile was forced and his face was tense, so my eyes automatically went to Trent, who was watching the three of us with a frown. Trent had never been warm and fuzzy toward me, but lately he'd been even cooler. He'd say hello, ask how I was doing, but from the impersonal way he said it, I could have been any stranger on the street and not his sister-in-law.

"Are you OK?" I asked Tanner.

He relaxed his face. "It's Christmas and I'm surrounded by my family. I'm good, Ez."

My mother-in-law -- former mother-in-law, if I had to be technical -- had taken me seriously when I'd told her I wanted to get my own place when Liora was six months old. She'd talked to me about staying at the house until Liora was one -- think how much easier it will be on you, Ez -- but I felt the need to be out on my own, to try being more independent. If I was going to be a single mother for a while, I needed to embrace it, grow up and stop letting everyone take care of me. For my self esteem and confidence, this was an important move. I'd depended on Tanner and his parents at nineteen, then I became just Tanner's burden and then I became his parents' problem.

You have two feet, Esme. Stand on them.

I'd decided to go to school full time, summer sessions as well, and finish my degree as quickly as possible. Then I could work and begin supporting myself, no longer completely dependent on alimony.

Tanner had surprised me with how supportive he'd been during the divorce. He'd been more than generous with alimony and child support, and never said a word of protest when my lawyer laid out what she wanted for me, including tuition. He'd talked to me about helping me out with the children beyond what was specified by the custody agreement so I had time to study and attend classes. And, even though I felt guilty about it, we'd split the proceeds from the house fifty/fifty once it sold.

I missed our little home. I even missed our lives, the routines we'd established, the way we'd worked together to care for Jude. The nights he'd held me in his arms...in my secret heart, I missed Tanner. What I'd had of him, anyway. Up until that night in his office, I'd thought I had more than I did, and I was going to chalk it up to my naivete that I'd fallen in love with my husband. I was used to men showing their love instead of talking it to death, and had assumed Tanner was the same.

Madeline and I began scouting for apartments that were close to campus and still not far from her or from Tanner's place, but none of the complexes we saw felt quite right.

"I don't like that the laundry facilities are in the basement," she said. "That's just a True Crime podcast waiting to happen."

"It doesn't say it's a place just for seniors, but the median age of the residents looks to be about two hundred and seventeen," Madeline judged another place. I kind of had to agree with that one.

Nothing we saw was the right fit, and I was beginning to wonder if that was going to be my motto.

Nothing felt quite right in any part of my life. I was feeling as if I'd eaten my feelings all winter and now my summer clothes weren't feeling quite right.