Tanner and Esme

Chapter 26 (Tanner): The Ones You Love

So close. 

I'd been so close to those beautiful lips, about to press my mouth to Esme's to emphasize and reinforce my declarations to her, to seal the promises I'd just made...and then my son, my much loved little boy, decided to begin his career as a professional fucking cock blocker.

Esme, I was gratified to see, looked both disappointed and startled -- as if she'd forgotten we had two children just steps away. 

Kissing had always been our thing. I'd enjoyed sex, no doubt about it, but with Esme, I enjoyed the build up to it just as much. The quick kisses I stole before dinner, the slightly longer kisses while we cleaned up, my hand on her ass, the full on make out sessions with her straddling my lap after Jude was down for the night. I could close my eyes and still feel my hands in her hair, both of us worked up and gasping but wanting to keep ramping up the anticipation until we were about to burst into flames.

Leaning in close, I whispered against her lips, "I'm taking a raincheck, Ez."

Then I went and cleaned up the spilled milk and yeah, I felt like crying over it. C'mon, Jude! I just needed another minute! Hell, thirty seconds!

She turned a bit skittish after that, and every time she felt my eyes on her, focused, intense and heated, Ez ducked her head and looked away, but there was a slight softening of her face. Maybe that was wishful thinking on my part, but I was desperately looking for any signs of hope like my mother always looked for that first robin as a sign of spring.

When I walked her and the children to her car and got everyone buckled in, I told Esme to wait to leave until I got in my car so I could follow them to her place and help her wrangle the children inside.

"You don't have to Tanner," she said. That wasn't a no.

"It's the least I could do after you made me the cookies and brought them over."

After following her home and helping her feed the children dinner and get them in bed, I told her that I was going to leave. She waved me out the door, and I felt better than I had in a long, long time. Maybe a little lighter in spirit. Maybe it was just hope that I could someday earn Esme's forgiveness, even if I couldn't win her back to me. My therapist and I had been talking a great deal about forgiveness and what it might mean to all of us.

My mood took a nosedive as I headed for my next stop.

My brother's.

Not too much later, I was pounding on Trent's front door.

He answered, his shock at seeing me quickly changing to confusion as I barreled past him and turned to face him.

"This shit ends now."

"Tanner --"

"No. You've been running your mouth for too long. That shit you pulled today with Mindy? Telling her to bide her time, that I was just coming to terms with the failure of my marriage and once I'd gotten over that I'd be ready for her? No. You crossed so many lines, Trent, that I'm not even sure where to start."

"You weren't --"

"Enough with telling me what I was or wasn't. I know what I am, and what I am is in love with my wife."

"Ex-wife because you cheated on her."

"Yeah. You're right. She is my ex because I did cheat on her. Something I'm ashamed of, something I regret to the depths of my soul. But you know what? It's none of your motherfucking business."

"You can't blame me --"

"You stupid fuck!" I shouted at him. "I have never blamed my cheating on you, and I've explained that to you in easy-to-understand terms on a number of different occasions. Now you just need to shut the fuck up and listen because if you open your mouth before I'm done, you won't be able to talk because you'll be choking on the teeth I knock down your throat. We clear? Nod if you get me."

He nodded, but he took me seriously and didn't say a word.

"You got issues. Serious issues. You're either lying to yourself or you're lying to me, but either way, the shit you've been pulling has not been for my benefit. It's been strictly for your benefit. You want to run the company. Newsflash since you can't seem to decipher the writing on the wall, which is pretty damn clear -- you will never run the company. Even if I left, Dad would never make you CEO. You don't have what it takes, Trent, and we all know that. If that's why you've been trying so hard to get rid of me, that's just fucking delusional on your part. At best, you'll be a decent director someday. And that's because you have such a chip on your shoulder, you have such a sense of entitlement, that you can't see how you treat people. I don't trust you, so I will never make you one of my top executives."

The light in his eyes flared and burned, but he kept his mouth shut.

"Get help, Trent. That's not a suggestion, that's an order from me. Get the help you need because you hanging on to what you had with your ex and making it into a romance for the ages is bullshit, and I should know. She cheated on you and she never looked back. Not once. Never apologized, never tried to earn your forgiveness, never tried to get you back. You need serious therapy and you're going to get it because if you don't, I'm going to Dad and I'm going to tell him he has to make a choice: you or me because I won't keep working with you like this. I don't want to have to keep looking over my shoulder, wondering if you're going to ambush me with Mindy again or try to undermine me in some other way, either personally or professionally since you think you know best. And we both know that Dad's going to choose me because I'll be the CEO someday."

Trent's hands clenched into fists, but he didn't say anything, and I stepped closer to him.

"You say you want me happy, but you don't. Your little spiel sounds really good -- you lost the love of your life so you're going to try to give me back mine. But really? It's bullshit. I never stopped you from your shit because it was just easier not to get into it with you constantly and try to explain what I was actually feeling because I was confused myself. I'm done with easy, Trent. Going forward, you're my brother in name only because you haven't had my back in years. I love you, but it's going to take a lot of work on your part if you ever want me to like you again or have any relationship at all with you."

He was vibrating with rage now, so I took another step closer.

"And if I am fortunate enough to ever win Esme back, and if you ever see her or my children again, you will fucking treat them with respect and kindness like I should have insisted from the start. I may be late to the game, but I'm in it now, and I'm in it to win and I don't need you on my team."

Trent was about to erupt, I could tell.

"You have a week to get some fucking help, and I have a great therapist I can recommend. It's helped me, and I hope you'll let it help you since I really don't want to pull Dad into our shit but will if you don't leave me any other choice." 

I backed away from him and walked to his door.

"You don't give a damn about my happiness. If you did, you'd love my children instead of seeing them as an impediment to whatever fucked up shit you're trying to sell me. You're their only uncle, Trent, and you've never made one move toward them. You just acted like they didn't exist, either because you were jealous of my family or because you thought they were holding me back. Let me spell this out to you: they're my life, Trent. Esme, Jude and Liora mean the world to me. Family's everything, so I suggest you get your shit together because there's nothing worse than losing the ones you love."