Tanner and Esme

Chapter 14 (Tanner): I Hated My Life

"Hey," I said, smiling at the adorable brunette standing off to the side at the party. I'd noticed her right away, which was surprising because she was trying to blend in by staying as far from the crowd as she could. Unfortunately for her, her fresh face, big eyes and gorgeous hair were impossible for me to overlook, and I wondered why she wasn't surrounded by other guys.

"Hi," she said, a responding smile starting to form.

"I'm Tanner," I introduced myself.

"Esme," she said. She wasn't exactly shy but seemed a bit uncertain.

"Pretty name. You a junior or a senior, Esme?" I liked the way her name sounded. It was unusual.

"Sophomore," she answered, shifting her feet. Definitely not comfortable here.

"You live off campus?"

"No. In the dorms. Hamlin Hall. My RA invited me tonight."

"You look like you'd rather be anywhere but here."

That got me my first real smile from her. "You might be right."

We chatted, and her RA stopped by, and I realized I knew her from my business classes and one of my study groups.

"Hey, Tan," she said and gave me a sloppy hug. She was just a little drunk. "You getting to know Ez?"

"Hi, Blair," I said, hugging her back. "Just met her, and we've been talking."

"You watch this guy, Ez," Blair said to tease her.

Esme widened her eyes and grinned. "Oooohh, why? Is he bad?"

Blair cracked up at Esme's comical, exaggerated expression. "No, he's actually a good guy. Saved my ass when I missed the class before a major test and gave me his notes. I give Tanner my stamp of approval. But, if you kiss him, you have to give me all the details because I want to know if a guy as gorgeous as Tanner is a good kisser."

Esme laughed. "I don't think you have to worry about that, but I'll keep it in mind."

Blair wandered off, and Esme and I looked at each other and started laughing. It felt good to laugh, something I hadn't done in the two weeks since Mindy had called a halt to us for reasons I didn't understand. She'd called it a break, some time apart to make sure we really wanted to be together because we'd been dating each other exclusively since we were both fifteen.

"This is our time to make sure we're meant to be together, Tanner. We'll be single for a while, see other people, date other people so we can know for sure."

"I already know for sure," I'd told her.

She'd wound her arms around my neck. "I do, too. But we have to be one hundred percent sure. I don't want you to have any regrets later, like I've caged you in or you wish you'd had some time to see what other girls were like."

"Oh, so you're doing this for me? Is that it?" She knew from my tone that I found her reasons for the break to be bullshit. "Or are you doing this for yourself, Mindy? Maybe you want to experience other guys, maybe you feel caged in."

"It's for both of us, Tanner. Let's use the rest of our senior year to be absolutely sure of our feelings. It's just temporary. A little break."

I was pissed as hell and not happy. We'd had our future mapped out, and even though my parents had thrown me a curveball by withdrawing their financial support after I graduated, I had the rest of the year to figure out how to finance our dreams. And now, out of the blue, she wanted a break, throwing into jeopardy everything we'd dreamed about and planned together.

Removing her arms from around my neck, I stepped back. "You want a break? Fine. You want us to see other people? That's fine, too. But be careful what you wish for, Mindy. Because if you think I'm going to sit and wait while you figure out what you want, you're wrong."

"Tanner," she said, pleading for understanding, "you'll see that this time apart will be the best thing for us. When we get back together, we'll both be ready for our future together."

"I'm already there," I said. "I'm ready for our future together right now, Min."

Disgusted, I grabbed my jacket off her bed.

"Where are you going?" For the first time since she'd started this conversation, her voice was a little worried.

"Going back to school," I said.

"But you just got here. We can still be together this weekend."

"No," I said. "You want a break, so I'll give you a break. It can start right now."

I remember seeing one of my teachers in a grocery store one time and not recognizing him right away. He was out of place in real life; he belonged in the classroom and it never occurred to me he had a life outside of it. He was Mr. Marietti, my sixth-grade math teacher, and that was all he was in my mind. I felt stupid when he said hi to me and I didn't know who he was at first, especially with him wearing jeans and an Iron Maiden T-shirt. In my head, teachers sat at home reading boring books and solving math problems for fun while listening to classical music.

He wasn't what I expected and he didn't look like I thought he would, so I almost didn't recognize him.

It was the same with Esme. I didn't recognize Esme for who she was. She wasn't what I expected and she didn't look like who I expected, so I missed who she was.

I'd expected my life to look one way as travel blogger and extreme sports enthusiast. My life was going to be filled with excitement and adventure, and I'd expected to share it all with the woman I loved who'd provide even more excitement and we'd be together every step of the way. I could see my life with Mindy so clearly.

So when my real life had appeared unexpectedly, I hadn't recognized it for what it was. I hadn't valued its worth. I hadn't recognized Esme for who she was -- who she slowly became to me -- because I was stuck on Mindy and the life and love I thought I was supposed to have been sharing with her.

With Mindy, I'd fallen for her immediately, my feelings intense and strong and volatile. It'd felt like an explosion went off inside of me, the feelings were that instantaneous. That was love, I thought. That was how love was supposed to feel, I assumed. We argued and made up, pushed and pulled, had ups and downs, and it was exciting and fresh and emotional.

That wasn't my life with Esme. It'd been a gradual feeling, a series of little things pulling me closer to her. But it wasn't volatile so I assumed it was affection but nothing deeper. I'd cared for her as the mother of my child and it was only when it was too late, when I'd met Mindy at my office, when I'd realized what I'd just put at risk, that I'd realized that it wasn't Mindy I'd be devasted if I lost.

It was Esme.

The excitement Mindy engendered, the old feelings she brought to the surface, were echoes of a past I no longer wanted. My life with my wife and my son and the baby on the way, was everything I wanted.

But my wife, I'd realized, was what I'd wanted most of all.

Now, my ex-wife for the last ten months. Ten long, interminable months without her.

I hated not kissing her good bye in the morning.

I hated not being able to pick up the phone and call her during the day.

I hated not seeing her face when I walked in the door.

I hated not setting the table for dinner every night.

I hated not feeling her next to me in bed and being able to pull her close and inhale her scent.

I hated not being able to reach out and touch her whenever I wanted, to kiss her, to hold her.

I hated my life without her.

She can't forgive you because you're still the same person who hurt her.

So, since the day our divorce was finalized, I'd been working on myself and becoming the man who wouldn't hurt Esme ever again.