Tanner and Esme

Chapter 21 (Tanner): Who We Are

Would she answer the door?

I'd texted her a simple I'm coming back and shoved my phone in my pocket, hoping it wouldn't buzz with a text back saying No.

As I walked to Esme's door, I saw Big Daddy leaving another apartment nearby with his hand on a woman's shoulder and another man walking with them. The biker saw me and gave me a chin lift, and I gave him a nod. An entire conversation with two head movements. Maybe it was a sign that as men we should just keep our fucking mouths shut, but I couldn't in this case.

Just stay away from Ez with your Big Deeeeee, I thought as I raised my hand to knock on Esme's door. She answered almost immediately and waited until I was inside before questioning my presence at her apartment for the second time that day.

"What's going on, Tanner? Did Jude say something else?"

"No, but I've got more to say, Ez."

"OK?"

"Do you remember what I told you the night before our divorce was final, Ez?"

"You said that you didn't want a divorce."

I don't want a divorce, Esme. I do not want this. I feel like a death row inmate the night before his execution.

"And you told me that our divorce would be a good thing because you'd find someone to love you, commit to you and build a good relationship with. One that was built on love, desire and respect. Not duty and not because I felt like I needed to do the right thing."

"I can't believe you remembered all that."

"I remember everything that you said. You were so fucking calm and sure, and I felt like I was going to jump out  of my skin because I was about to lose you, there was nothing I could do about it...and it was all my fault."

 She pursed her lips, not needing to say anything because I was right.

"It's a year later, Ez. Do you know what I wanted to do the day our divorce was final? The day after it was final? Every fucking day since we signed those papers?"

She shook her head. "No."

"Every single day, I wanted to beg you to take me back. To forgive me. To let me prove myself to you."

Her eyes were watching me cautiously.

"Do you know what was holding me back, though? It was the knowledge that I needed to work on myself before I could ask anything that big of you. That I needed to not be the same person who hurt you."

"Tanner," she began, then stopped. Finally, she added, "I had no idea." 

"Not sure if you know this, but I've been doing some intense counseling this last year, Ez. Looking at why I held on to the past, why I put up a barrier between us. I worked through a lot of shit, huge failings of mine that made me sick, things that pissed me off because if I'd recognized what, exactly, I'd been doing while we were married, I could have dealt with it then before I made the worst choice of my life and hurt you."

"But that's not what happened."

"No. It's not. I was a weak fuck who cheated on you. I failed you, failed myself, failed our children and failed our marriage. That's a lot of failure for someone who was used to succeeding."

"I guess it was."

"But in working through all the wrongs I'd committed with my therapist, I began to understand that while they were massive failures, I could use what I learned from them and start to fix what was wrong with me so I'd no longer be someone who could hurt someone like I hurt you."