To Baldur's Gate

Chapter Eighteen

With my heart breaking its way out of my chest, I wondered if the pain was going to kill me. Even though he was touching me, Astarion's demeanor let me know that he was reluctant to even be close to me right now. Whatever he needed to tell me was important enough that he had to tell me immediately. 

"Here." Astarion stopped us in a quiet part of the grove, far enough from the party that we could barely hear voices, but close enough to still see the light of the torches. "I need you to listen to me." 

I remained silent. 

"I have been luring people - living, breathing people - to my master for hundreds of years," Astarion began. "Citizens of Baldur's Gate with lives and families to go home to. Those with children and futures that I had no right to take from them. I'm vile. I'm a monster, Tav." His hands were clutched in front of his chest and his eyes held such sorrow, I wondered if he might cry. Instead, he continued to plead his case. 
"I've never known the kind of love you offer. I cannot begin to show you the same love that you deserve in return. All that I've known, in the last two centuries, is darkness. Hunting and killing, doing whatever was necessary to survive. That is my reality. That is how I will always be." He took a deep breath. "And you should have more than that. You deserve much more than what I can offer."

My own eyes burned at his testimony, but I could tell there more he wanted to say. Astarion took a tentative step closer to me, reaching out an arm as if to caress me, but he stopped himself midway. 

"I've been using you this whole time. I knew that you were powerful - and you are truly one of the most talented sorcerers that I've had the pleasure of knowing," Astarion went on. "And decades of training kicked in the moment I met you. I was going to confide in you, seduce you, and use you as protection against Cazador and whatever he could throw my way. It didn't occur to me once to see you as you really are."

"And what am I?" I asked, voice barely above a whisper. I moved closer to him, closing the small distance between us. I could see the unshed tears in his eyes clearly now and my heart ached for him. 

"Tav..." He sighed and turned his face away. 

"What am I?" I asked again. With a gentle hand, I pulled his face back to me. "Tell me."

"You're perfect," Astarion breathed, shakily. "I want every part of you for the rest of your existence. Every word that you say leaves me craving more of your voice - it's like wine to a drunkard." He laughed, a coarse, humorless sound. "Your beauty is incomparable to any creature I've seen before. In all of my years, I've never been left so utterly infatuated."  

His lovely words mixed with my tipsy mind had me suddenly hungry for his touch. I grabbed Astarion's hands and led him to a nearby chair in the abandoned room of inventory that we had found. Pushing him down to the chair, I sat in his lap, wrapping my arms around his shoulders. 

"I've never wanted to touch someone as badly as I want to touch you," he whispered. Astarion's hands stayed at his sides, gripping the seat of the chair. I leaned forward and pressed a light kiss to his neck, running my hands through his perfectly tousled hair. 

"I want you to touch me," I murmured in his ear.

He shook his head. "I'm scared to."

I sat up, feeling him grow and press against the fabric between us. His eyes followed me as I reached for his hands and slid them under my dress, pressing his cold fingertips to my aching breasts. Astarion's fingers began to play with my nipples, brushing the hard buds with his thumbs and sending shivers down my spine. 

"What else are you scared of?" I asked. 

"I'm scared to kiss you," he said, eyelashes fluttering as he looked down at my lips. 

So, I kissed him. The idea that this could be the last time our lips meet had me going as slow as I could - tasting every inch of his lips and jaw and neck. I would make him understand that all the love he couldn't offer me I could compensate for with ease. I ground myself on his cock, pressing myself closer and moaning in his ear when he flicked one of my nipples, only to smooth over to pain with pleasure. 

"Gods, Tav, I want you," he growled. But still, besides the hands on my breasts and his lips on mine, Astarion made to move to actually take me. "It's fucking terrifying how much I want you." 

I halted my slow kisses and reached for his pants, quickly unbuttoning them and marveling at how his hard cock sprang free. Lifting up the skirt of my dress and pushing my undergarments to the side, I slid myself onto him with ease. 

"Shit," he groaned into my neck, biting down hard enough to draw blood, which he quickly put his lips to. "This is not why I whisked you away from the party."

"I know." I met his eyes and gave him a devilish smile. I raised myself up off of him, already aching where I wanted him back inside of me. I hovered there, just above where I wanted him. 

"What are you doing?" He asked, obviously frustrated with my teasing. His hips bucked in response. 

"Tell me what you want," I said. I watched his eyes darken with understanding and lust, and I knew I had him in the palm of my hands. 

"I want to fuck you, Tav." 

I lowered myself just slightly before pulling back again. When he grunted in annoyance I laughed and drew back even further. 

"Gods damn it," Astarion's hands grabbed my hips and he slammed me down onto him, eliciting loud groans from both of us. The pleasure of him deep inside of me was something I didn't think I could ever get sick of. 

He lifted me up and down on his lap and I held on to him for support, both of us moving with as much force as we could muster. I begged him for more, my words barely coherent, but he began to thrust even harder, driving himself deeper within me. 

"I'm almost there. Ugh, Tav, oh Gods," Astarion cried out and I clutched onto him, body writhing from orgasm. 

We sat together on the one chair, totally spent and sweaty. I leaned back, pushing the damp curls off of my forehead. Astarion's eyes were closed but a small frown angled his lips downward. 

"I'm afraid to love you," he said. "I'm afraid that I'll never amount to what you see in me, Tav." 

I traced the lines of his face with a finger, brushing soft kisses along his jawline. "You don't have to be afraid. Just give me what you can." 

That was all I could ask for.