Love me better [Fyolai Highschool Au]

Writing The Unspoken

The room was dark and quiet. School had long ended and the sun had set, but he still sat at the desk in his office. In front of him lay an empty piece of paper. 'Dear Nikolai' stood on the top. He also had a few papers with 'Dear Gogol', 'Hey' and even one with 'Kolya' written on it.

He ruffled through his hair. 'We don't tell each other anything, remember?' Those words has hit him hard. They were true and he always felt it was best this way. But so much had happened. Weather he wanted or not, he had gotten attached to the quirky boy. And he wanted him to know that. He had never felt that way before, never once had there been a human more dear to him, except for his sister maybe. Fjodor looked at his hand, the hand with which he had held Nikolai's today. He was still surprised about his own actions. When did he stop being bothered by his touch? A warm sensation flowed through his body and he picked up the pen.

Dear Nikolai,
I don't know what keeps you from talking to me, but I know you don't want that too. But before you throw this letter away now, I'm not writing to blame you for anything. I'm writing this letter to let you know about me. Whatever you read now, it will probably make you despise me anyway but I still want you to know all.

I panick when people touch me because since I was small, my father touched me. Inappropriately. Whenever I feel someone touching me I remember that and I panick. No matter who it is. No matter where.

When I was ten, I was so desperate and frightened, I just wanted my dad to disappear. I heard about how sugar in a car's tank made it malfunction. So I poured sugar in my dad's car to make it crash. That day however, I was in the car with him when it crashed. A fellow student from my class died in that crash too. That's how those rumors started.

My dad fell into a coma after that and everything went silent for six years. Until he woke up a few weeks ago and decided to make me pay. So everything started anew.

Whatever happened to you was also probably my dad's fault. He said something to your parents so you wouldn't come to my house during the holidays.

It's all my fault. I'm sorry.
Now do whatever you want.

Fjodor

Author's note:
Fjodor's birthday celebration post, kinda late tho 😅