Chaos and torment.
The two things Delle endured the most in her life. As she tried to get out of the mess, she got entangled with different kinds of people. Delle came to love being with them, and finally found someone who let her experience peace...
Mom's voice raged in the entire house. I jolted at every loud call, sensing every heavy and intentional step, expecting her to be in my room in less than a minute.
"Delanel!" She slammed the door open and wide furious eyes wecomed me. "I told you to participate!"
I remained biting my lower lip. "But mom..."
"They were all calling out for you!" Mom shouted. "Are you going to stay like this the entire day?!"
"N-no..."
You only ever cared about other people.
"You're ruining everything! Why can't you stop self pitying yourself and do something useful for once in your life!"
"But mom, I..."
I don't feel good.
None of them make me feel good. Nothing makes me feel good. I don't feel like I belong with them, mom. Whenever I'm with people, as if everything I do, everything I am, is wrong. I always feel like I'm at fault. Like I'm a mess.
No one stays with me, mom. Not even you.
When you all see my flaws, you all look at me as if I'm... a monster—a monster who covers herself with an angelic appearance, a monster who's never gonna change, who's always the bad guy.
I'm a monster, but I wanted to love the kind of monster I am.
That's why I'm not comfortable with the world.
Because every time I hang around other people, I always need to fake myself.
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Am I not acceptable?
Am I not lovable?
I know I did wrong and terrible things. I tried to change. I keep trying to change. But why does it still feel like no one wants to be with me? That no matter how smart or how hard I try, I'm never gonna measure up.
I was tired of being alone.
Mom, I... was sad and lonely.
So I wanted to be alone in this room to deal with my feelings and thoughts. And I was expecting you, my parent, to ask me softly why I became like this. I wanted to you to comfort me, to cry with me, and tell me all of the things I needed to hear.
