Sunflower Book:1

Chapter 23- Lay You To Rest

It was strange seeing multiple cars in my driveway, it looked like a mob resided there with the black suv's, ryans jeep and then vin's range rover. Which he never shut the fuck up about. Every room in the house was occupied besides mom's. It was sacred and locked most of the time. I felt protective over her room. It was stuck in time. It had been a whole week of us jumping at the slightest sound, watching each other closely. We were jumpy to say the least trying to figure out who the lady is, Landon was working day in and out to figure it out, the lady told me Landon was her husband but Landon seemed to have a very grim reaction to that and decided to not talk further on it. He was around often making sure we where still doing what needed to be done, ryan and Vin where sent on multiple trips as well as Kristen, for what I wasn't sure and I was going to ask either. Ryan told me she had to do things for the gang that she wasn't proud of, I couldn't get myself to ask questions. I felt bad for her childhood, her freeness, was ripped from her. It was something me and Landon didn't necessarily see eye to eye on, after vin and ryans parents passed away they where taken in by Landon since there parents where in the gang they had already had some basic training done for self defense, medicine and more. Ryan refused to talk about that day, vin says it's for good reason and that pictures are still burned into his brain, they where so young. I wanted Ryan to open up and confide in me I felt like she carried to much. Sara and Vin had started getting sloppy about hiding there...relations. Landon was sure to notice eventually I just hopped that vin wasn't using her like everyone else had, as tough as Sara could be, she ultimately wanted love, passion the same thing everyone wants. I had a feeling that vin didn't realize how enamored he was with her, the way he watched her, the way his eyes lit up intrigued when she walked into a room. It was nice to watch, I wanted the best for sara. Today was the day I had been loosing sleep over, waking up in a puddle of sweat thrashing from nightmares, having my own crying sessions in the bathroom. It was the day of moms funeral, it felt fake. In fact there was no way it was real in some moments, and then others it would come down like bricks onto my shoulders, it was hard to try and be okay. I had to try for her sake, but anger and resentment flared inside of me, I wanted to find the woman who was responsible, I knew she was responsible. My guy told me that time and time again and I wasn't going to deny it. Ryan seemed to be getting an idea of my feelings, she seemed nervous thinking I would run off to find her, call her, or even track her down. I wanted to so bad.
I wanted to watch the life drain from her eyes as I slammed a knife into her. Ryan had started training me more, Landon's instructions. It tended to get hot and heavy...keeping us not distracted was the worst part. I was getting stronger I could feel my core and mind focusing together with every movement. It was natural for me. It felt exhilarating.
She told landon about me catching on quick and it catching her off guard. Landon seemed troubled by the comment and looked at me oddly. He didn't want this life for me, neither did mom, but he had no control over it anymore, I tried to tell him that would be okay but he insisted that it was his job to comfort me not the other way around, my dad came around once and was not happy when all four of them answered the door not letting him in. It was how it needed to be, if he found out about anything going on it could cost him his life, as much resentment I had towards him I didn't want him dead, I called him dad my whole life I didn't know if I could just stop. I always looked up to him wanting to be just like him, I never was going to live up to him, and his standards. My heart sank thinking about it. I wish I could've really tried, in this moment I wished to hear my moms soft voice, her kind words. She always told me to live up to my standards and no one else's, it was hard to install that into my head when I had fought for so long to be accepted by him, I felt a familiar burn start at the bottom of my heart yet again thinking about it. No one knew my thoughts really, maybe it was my walls put up high or maybe my anxiety taunting me as usual, I wasn't sure anymore. I thought about it carefully and realized quickly. I really had anxiety since Ryan saved me from the world of Jake. I felt safe there was no need to have one, sure I went into shock finding out my girlfriend was in a damn gang, sure I fainted finding out who my biological father was which in my defense he started off being a strange man in the woods. Then there was the time I threw up finding out Ryan lived with her ex. Minor details though right? What mattered today was my mom, I had to say goodbye today. I didn't know if I could, how do I say goodbye to someone who raised me, loved me, comforted me when no one else would how can I never see her again, live without her. I wasn't strong enough.