Waves - Book #2 [completed]

33 ~ Velleity

Velleity
noun
A wish or powerful desire for something that nonetheless is not or cannot be followed by actions meant to pursue it.

I cannot take it slow with Riley.

Not on the emotional level anyway because I'm already in love with her. I want her. All of her. I want the whole package. I want her scars, her fears and worries as much as I want her funny, her love and her incredible talents. I want her past, her present and her future.

I'm on my fucking knees for this girl – figuratively and literally – when I never thought I'd be. For anyone.

I'm overwhelmed. Yesterday I had a fucking good day that turned out to be one of the best days ever because it ended with me fucking the most beautiful woman that has ever walked the earth and the last woman I'd ever want to fuck. I was living the dream. Had the time of my life.

Waking up, she made me leave at the brink of tears and I cried like a child on her doorstep only for her to open up about having feelings for me too, but not wanting us to move too fast. Now we agreed to take it slow and go on a date sometime when I ask her out.

Have I got that right?

Jesus Christ.

What I really wanted to tell her when I had my arms around her waist and my face buried in her chest was, I love you. It wants out. The three words hang on the tip of my tongue still and I want to fucking scream it from the rooftop, tell her that I'm not going anywhere.

I'd never admit that to anyone, but I'm willing to beg her to give me a chance. I'm so deep in that simp swamp it's not even funny.

But I know telling her would only result in her pushing me further away. It would be too much, too fast. It'd be counterproductive. I understand that she's got feelings and emotions to sift through first. Committing to me would be a huge step for her. For me too since I've never had an actual serious girlfriend apart from maybe in high school.

So, baby steps it is.

In the meantime, I'll happily grasp and glean and be content with whatever she's able to give me for however long it might take. I just want to take care of her and hold onto the fact that she's catching feelings too like a lifebelt in high seas. It will crush me not to touch her like I want to, kiss her like I want to, but I'll do everything to make her happy and content. I'll gladly hold her hand, hug her platonically and wait until she's ready to give me more because I can't imagine feeling this way for anyone else.

Maybe one day she'll let me in. Maybe one day she'll love me too. Hope dies last, as they say.

I need to call my brother and tell him that he's a freaking prophet for predicting that I'd just like him when I'm in love. Kacey has no problems showing feelings and it all makes sense to me now. Growing up, I had the best examples of love, commitment and relationship in my life. After over thirty years of marriage, my parents are still very much in love with each other. Maybe I have that in my DNA somewhere too.