Amile The Queen

Chapter Sixty

***Amile Gumede***

My only crime was choosing to wake up so I could wake up to nonsense like this. Is it not enough that I had a terrible dream that I thought I could escape by waking up? I don’t want to live this life anymore.
He tried chasing me down the stairs but I was too fast for him because I could hear him panting at the bottom of the staircase as I bolted out the palace door.
I’m also running out of breath as my feet carry me out the hell hole. It feels like I’m having deja vu. This has happened and the last time it happened, things didn’t end up in my favour.
I stop just outside the gate to catch my breath, suddenly feeling like I’m unfit. The tears that had dried up on my face get wet all over again as I stand listening to my heart pounding against my ribcage and in my ears.
Is there really a reason for me to be trying to do this when I know that it is futile. They will find me, everyone in the place knows me, there is no where I can run to and find safety.
I sink down in the middle of the road feeling defeated and just let out the lump stuck in my throat.
It would make much more sense to wake up and find out that this is still the nightmare, that at least Langalethu is dead and he’s not coming back. Just when I had gotten over the fact Nkosi will never be mine and I was starting to embrace Bayede as my husband, this happens. What do they want from me, whatever did I do to deserve such pain and heartache. I’m barely an adult, but I have suffered at a level most adults have never suffered.
I sink my head onto my palms and stiffle a sob. I feel hands on my sides picking me up and I look up to see Bayede. My heart almost bulldozes my chest from the excitement.
I get up and throw myself in his arms and I let it all out. He holds me and I feel a gaping whole in my heart. I should be feeling safe in his arms, not this.
“I don’t want to Bayede, I don’t want to let you go, not like this.” I sobbed.
He didn’t speak, he just held me up and dragged me towards the car that was parked on the pavement.
“I’m sorry MaGumede, I’m sorry.” I gripped onto his shirt and clung onto him as tightly as I could, taking in his scent, everything about him.
Amongst other problems that will come with me having to separate from Bayede to Langalethu, now I will officially be the Zulu bicycle, jumping from one brother to another. It’s my reputation, self-respect and dignity flushed down the drain. I’m climbing up the ladder, from the last born, to the second, to the patriarch. What about isidima sami?
He helped me settle inside the car and buckled me up before he went to his side and started the car. He’s not driving back to the palace, he’s driving away. I feel like I’m in a getaway car in a movie where a couple elopes to get married. The only difference in this instance is this actually my husband, and there is nothing wrong with us running away.
Did I ever imagine to have these feelings for him three months ago? No, I never anticipated it. I’ve grown accustomed to being around him, I don’t think I will be able to adjust to yet another man. It all darts back to isidima.
I’m not thinking straight at this point, all I can think about is getting away and maybe he will come up with a better solution, the further we are away from the palace, and anything that has to do with the Zulu’s, the better.
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I can feel someone shaking me. I open my eyes and realize that I’m still in the car. I sit up only to meet with his slanted brown eyes. I feel emotional all over again.
“Where are we?” I ask stretching my tired limbs.
“Ulundi.” that’s almost an hour away from the palace.
“What’s the plan now?” he grabs both my hands and holds them tightly
“I don’t know.” I look into his eyes and all I see is hurting.
I place my hands on his face and bring him closer to mine. I closed my eyes and rested my forehead on his. I felt his thumb sweeping over my cheek and I realized that I was shedding tears.
“I don’t want to do this.” he held me in his embrace and I buried my head in the crevice of his shoulder.
It all feels too heavy for me to carry. Not now when I’ve dedicated my whole life and soul to this man, now I have to give myself to another one, it’s too much.
“You don’t have to sthandwa sami. Let’s go, it can just be the two of us.”
Not only am I losing a peaceful life, but he’s also lost so much, the throne, and both his wives. Basically all the things he has worked tirelessly for.
He got out of the car and he came to my side to open for me. I climbed out and followed him to the front door. Its a beautiful house, quite massive if you ask me. I don’t want to ask too many questions, I just want to be with him in harmony, it might be the last time.
He carried me bridal style through the door and he led me up the stairs, I’m guessing to the main bedroom. I can’t shake off the feeling that something bad is going to happen. I can feel it in the pit of my stomach.
He placed me on the bed and he got in next to me. I snuggled on his chest and held onto him as tightly as I could. I took in his scent and closed my eyes.
“Why didn’t you tell me about the dreams?” he asked in a low voice.
“I was afraid of something like this happening.” that and not having trusted anyone with them.
“Do you love me Amile?” I shifted my head to look up at him.
I’m hesitant. It’s easier to say it in my head. I do love him, but how do I explain the exact feeling I feel.
“I do Baye…” I stopped midway. I guess that’s not the correct term to use.
“Banzi.” he corrected.
I sighed. It feels weird calling him by name. This man technically is almost thrice my age. It’s too late for me to be saying all of this, but I want to maintain that respect for him.
“I love you, and appreciate the things you’ve done for me.” my heart almost leapt out of my mouth.
“I’ve lost everything. I have nothing to live for.” a cold chill ran down my back when he said that.
I snuggled even closer and wrapped my arms around his body.
“Don’t say that, please, take back those words. You have me, you’ll always have me. You have me, your children and your brother, we need you. You have us to live for.” he sighed.
“Are you hungry?” I hate that he’s talking like this.
“No, I’m not.” he rubbed my back.
“Sleep.”
It’s already morning. The sun has risen and life is beginning for people yet he’s telling me to sleep.
“Don’t go.” I said placing my hand on his chest.
I felt his heart beating.
“I won’t.” I drew in a deep breath before I closed my eyes to get some rest.