Other Half- N.B & D.D

Chapter 25: Complicated

Noah's POV:

My life unfolded in the most unexpected way. I lost the person I held closest to my heart, only to then have her in my arms again. And after thinking I was over my dad's death, I all of a sudden couldn't sleep anymore because I keep seeing his blood on my hands. Three months ago, I didn't even know if I would still be alive now.

My whole life was falling apart in front of me, and there was nothing I could do about it. I spent every night hating myself because of the decisions I made that put me in that position. The hatred was almost enough to make me grab a knife and stab myself. Sometimes I still want to when I look back at my stupidity.

I had everything that I wanted. The problems that I had, I could've solved them. We could have solved them. All the shit that happened, I didn't have to. Dixie could be perfectly healthy right now, but she's not. And because of my insecurities.

"Baby, it's late. Are you ok?" Dixie looked at me, rubbing her eyes. "I'm ok, just thirsty. Go back to sleep, I'll be back in bed in a few minutes." She nodded, turning to the other side as I got up, making my way to the kitchen. It was cold. My bare chest was covered in hives.

I looked out at the skyline as I took a sip of my water. All the lights made me think back to a place. A place that reminded me of my
happiest moments.

~~~~
"Are you sure you are ready for this?" My dad rubbed his hand on my back. "I know it's a lot of pressure, but I also know that you can do it." I smiled up at him, staring out at the lights that you could see from the stadium.

Tomorrow was game day. My first big official game that could help me go pro. I could get a scholarship. This is all I've ever worked for. My whole life's work has led up to tomorrow. "You think I'm gonna do good?" I looked back up at him. "If there's anything I know about you son, it's that you can do anything you put your mind to."

I smiled, imagining myself on that field, scoring goals, and living my best life. It could only get better from here. I'm sure of that.
~~~~

It didn't.

My father was murdered in front of me. I had to watch him die in my hands. I got cheated on by who I thought was the love of my life. I watched my best friend get hurt by the person she thought she loved.

Then, it did get better.

Dixie and I started to figure things out. It was complicated, but it was something, and it was enough to keep me sane. I was happy with her. 

Until I wasn't when I messed it all up. She got into the accident, and all I could do was relive the worst moments of my life. All the stupid and ignorant choices that made it bad enough for me to relive. "Why the fuck am I like this?"

My hands rummaged through my hair, slightly pulling it every time I thought about my past.

Other people didn't understand me. I guess it's always because I put on a different face when I'm around people. Around my mom, I pretend to be strong. I know she still mourns my father, so I make sure to always reassure her that her happiness is the only thing that he would have ever wanted for her.

Dixie too. To her, I'm her annoying and great-humored best friend. She believes that I'm strong enough. I guess that's also because I never really showed her how hard my life was when my dad passed. I wanted to seem strong for her. Even if she didn't know it, I knew that she needed it.

She did know that I was hurt. I could tell that she did because she was constantly telling me now I should know I had her. And I did. I knew I did. But I couldn't reply to her. She wouldn't be able to handle it.

"Hey, it's been like an hour. Are you sure you are okay?" I turned around quickly, noticing Dixie's small figure behind me. She was worried about me. Something that I didn't want her to be. "Yeah I'm sorry, I guess I just lost track of time. The city is beautiful at night."

She smiled, walking up to me and rubbing her hand across my back. "It is pretty breathtaking." Leaning her head on my shoulder, we both looked out at the lights. "Just like you," I whispered in her ear. Her mouth opened slightly. She bit down on her lip slowly. Her eyes were closed.

"Thank you bub, I love you."

~~~~
"I don't know what I did to deserve you." Dixie looked up at me, a sparkle in her eyes coming from the moonlight. "You were my mother's best friend." I joked, wrapping my arms around her back as I brought her close to me.

"Asshole." She murmured under her breath, digging her head into my chest. "Aw, Dix. That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me." Her laugh echoed through my ears. I loved having her all to myself. Even if it was at four in the morning on the top of a mountain.

"I love you dickhead." She wrapped her hands tighter around mine. "Not more than I love you, dicksea."
~~~~

"Not more than I love you, baby." She kissed the bottom of my jaw, resting her head back on my shoulder.

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Grieving; feel grief for or because of.

I didn't know how strong the power of grieving could be on a person. Not until I had to feel it for myself. It's something that no matter how good things get, it will never truly go away because it's always going to be with you.

You can grow as a person. You can completely change. But it's always going to be stuck in your past. And if you decide to go back to the person you were, you're going to think about all the things you do now that you used to do with that person.

Grief is something that you continue to feel until the day you no longer exist.

It's hard to live with. People with grief have baggage. A lot of it. We can say that was good one second, and then the next we are in our shower on the floor, not sure if we want to leave. Not sure if we're even capable of leaving.

It's mind-blowing how one's emotions can completely detonate someone's existence. It's like, your still breathing. But you're not living. Your life is nothing. It means nothing.

Sure, being in a relationship helps, but when you are with a person who's never had to deal with what you deal with, there's only so much that they can do.

Essentially, you are all alone, and your only best friend is in your head, telling you how fucked up life is but that you still have to keep going because you can't let it defeat you.

I'm ok. I really am. I have my mother, who I know is fighting every day. I also know I have Dixie. I always have her.

But some days nothing is good or strong enough to keep me from not wanting to get up. Sometimes all I can think about is when I used to be happiest and how I wish I saw still like that. I even wish that Dixie fell in love with someone who could always be at their best for her. Not me. A faker. A fraud.

It was all so complicated. Life was so complicated. You could have everything, and then in a blink of an eye, you could have nothing.

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Ik this chapter seems super depressing, but I feel like, in order to move forward with this book, I needed to have more of an understanding of Noah and what he's been going through. I hope you guys enjoyed it as always <3

Word Count: 1392