Falling

Panic

As I reached my room after college today, I was texting Zack. I missed him a lot but I still had this nagging voice in my mind that I hadn't told him about all the stuff I'd done with my exes.

Well specifically, one ex. Steve.

I had no idea how to bring it up in conversation and I wasn't planning on telling it to him over text, but it just came up. Soon I was telling him about all the stuff I'd done with Steve and suddenly Zack stopped replying and went offline. I freaked out so bad, I called him twice and he didn't pick up. Fuck.

I didn't know what to do, I was so unstable at that point. I really really really hate it when I'm emotionally unstable. It distracts me from functioning and thinking. I walked to the library in a haze and a hope that it'll distract me. I went and sat there and kept checking my phone every 2 seconds.

Yep, the library failed me for the first time.

I tried this for a whole hour before getting pissed and walking out the door. I called Jay but he didn't pick up, so I called Sandy (my bestest girl friend in the world) and started telling everything to her. Well more like crying than telling. I was crazy, mad, sad and in pain.

I felt so hurt that Zack knew what an overthinker I was but still ghosted me when I told him about myself.

Jay called me back and I put a con call with Sandy (yes they know each other, they both go to college in Redwoods).
I was non stop complaining to them both and Jay calmed me down. He said "he's not going to stop talking to you just because you told him this okay? You have to understand his point of view. He likes you, Saph. And thinking of you doing all those stuff with some other guy obviously hurts him. He just needs some time to recover, give him that time and he'll come back to you."

Woah. Jay was clever. What a different world I'm living in. Can't believe the day would come when Jay would be advising me.

As I was talking to them both, Zack started texting me again. I was so mad at him. My friends were really supportive and asked me to go and talk to him. He started texting me and then he asked if he could call me. I said yeah and we talked for a while. He apologised for going off suddenly but he also said
"When you told me you had done those things, I felt a heaviness in my heart. I just didn't know what to do and I went for a bike ride to make myself feel better."
"I'm so sorry Zack, I shouldn't have told you over text, it should've been on the phone or in person. I wasn't thinking clearly."
"No, I'm kind of glad you told me, it's fine."
"It's alright if you judge me for those things."I said, my tears welling up in my eyes. "I'm also kind of ashamed that I did those things with him."
"Saph, how many times do I have to tell you that I don't judge you for anything, my feelings towards you haven't changed because of this, okay?"
"Okay", I said, not quite believing him.

Let's face it, which guy doesn't judge a girl for these things?

"Zack, you know that I overthink, you know that I'm unstable- ", I started.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have left you like that, without explaining anything. That's why I called you back as soon as I cleared my head."

Hmm. Mad, yet considerate. That really proves something, didn't it?

He calmed me down by assuring me he didn't think low of me in any way, and in fact he was glad that I had told him the truth about me and Steve.

We studied for a while, and I slept while talking to him.

22/12/21
Ohhhhh no no no no no. Please tell me I did not just fuck up big time. Fuckkkkkk. I know when he gets mad he goes offline and switches of net and looks like he's done that. He didn't pick up my call either. His net is off and he's not picking up my call. I think I should've told him in person. Or maybe I shouldn't even have told him? He was healing and I think I messed up big time. Fuuuuuuck. Uh oh. I fucked up big time. UGH HOW DO I ALWAYS MANAGE TO FUCK IT UP WITH GUYS I LIKE SO DAMN MUCH. I knew this was too good to be true. I'm soooo not ready to lose him, id fucking stop functioning. If I lose him, this is the end ig. The end of my really really really really brief story of how I actually loved someone so much. I don't think I'll ever love again. I can't think of anyone but him. Ugh. Why did I have to get so attached? Why do I always mess up with guys I really really like? Why am I like this? Ugh.