Falling

Heartbreak

December 2021

A week after I came back to college, it started raining heavily. Sunshine Valley was basically flooded, much to the contrary of its name.

We were announced online classes for 2 days and guess who went home? Yep that's right. Zack.

His house was just 3 hours away from Sunshine Valley and so he left.

Those 2 days with online classes got over quickly, with us switching on our phones and lowering the volume, just to go back to sleep.

Finally, the sun shone brightly again on Tuesday morning, as we all walked (waded) back to college. We wrote an exam and had classes.

I started to miss Zack like crazy. Everywhere I went, I would see couples standing together and talking. That night, I texted Zack and told him I missed him. He was so sweet and he sent back a voice message saying "I know you miss me, but I'll be back soon".

Steve and I texted throughout the day, but he wasn't as interested in my life as a boyfriend would be.

I was starting to lose feelings for him.

1/12/21
Welcome to confusion central. I'm on call with my boyfriend right now but guess who I'd rather be on call with. He insists he's friendzoned me but I know that isn't true. Why do I like him so much and miss him so much? It's becoming hard to even pass a day without talking to him.

Eventually, my feelings for Zack hit the sky, while Steve and I had argument after argument. I tried so hard not to choose to break up with him. I was in a state of confusion and I needed advice.

During one of my Anatomy classes, I sat and talked to Harry, my one true best friend in class. I told him about a "hypothetical situation" in which a girl who's been committed for 4 months develops feelings for another guy whom she never thought she will fall for.
Harry wasn't stupid, he smirked and asked me "Shall I guess who the guy is?"
"It's a hypothetical situation, you dumbass" I said.
"Well still, isn't that guy Zack?" he asked shrewdly.
I think I blushed.
"Uh yeah" I said.

Then he thought about it for a while and said, "If your boyfriend is really making you unhappy, then I would suggest you to break up. There's no point in waiting until after the exams, Saph, what is this timeline in relationships? Either you like them or you don't, and if you don't, you break up.
He's hurt you for long enough." with an air of finality.

***
On the way back from college I talked to Ashley about it. I asked her if I should break up and she said, "Dude if you don't, I'm going to call him and break you guys up. You've been complaining about him for a whole week, it's driving me crazy."

***
I texted my cousin Ray one last time, explaining my situation and he said he's faced the exact same situation. He said long distance doesn't work and especially if he's not putting in efforts.

***
I finally arrived at a conclusion.

I unlocked my phone and texted Steve, asking him to call me when he was free. Later in the evening, he said that he wasn't and asked me to text him whatever it was about.

I said I'd rather do this on call. He got the feeling I was about to break up and he asked me to text him, as it would soften the blow.
I texted him.

I told him that I needed to focus on my exams, and my life; that I was in a vulnerable position, that I needed to sort out some stuff and that he wasn't taking the break seriously, so I didn't have much of a choice but to break up.

He said, save the explanation, I understand. It was a pretty simple break up, but kind of felt like somebody left me.

I did emphasise to him that he still meant something to me and that we were still friends and that I would always care about him, even though we're exes. I guess he got it, he said he was cool with it. Well, that's it, I guess.

That night, I wrote this. I didn't want to send it to him and hurt him, but here it is:

In the process of loving you, I lost sense of who I am. I thought it was a good thing, but now I realise I don't even know what I am. I lost myself. I lost my mind. I lost who I am. And that's bad, you were supposed to be my friend, my support. But you never failed to fail me everytime I needed you. It was always someone else rushing to my aid and never you. I'm sick of everything, I just want it to be over. We were better of as friends, and I think we'll be better off as friends. I still love you, but it's not worth losing myself over.
***

A while after as I broke up, I felt liberated.
I felt as if I had broken free from chains holding me back.
I felt as if I could anything in this world.

Hello, single life. It's good to be back.