Falling

Thoughts

I wake up at 8 in the morning and it's still kind of chilly here. Ah, the weather in Redwoods during November.

I think, about going for a run and pull on my joggers and a sweatshirt. As I pick up my pace, my mind wanders to Steve, my boyfriend, and I start thinking about us.

It was in early June when he asked me out. I was just getting out of a relationship myself, (my first one actually), so I thought I'd wait for a while with this one. I told him that I needed to think about it.

In July, we went on our first date to a really pretty lakeside. I drove, since I was the one with a license and a car. We met a few more times after that, and although we tried to keep it strictly casual, we started falling for each other.

In August, college reopened for me and I had to leave. I went to his house one last time, we got to second base and I tried to convince him to try long distance with me.
Although I was definitely not expecting it, he said he was willing to try it with me.

So I went back to college, this time, with something as strong as love. I spent one and a half months without meeting him. My birthday came and went, he never came to see me. I could understand the restriction from his family so I didn't make a huge issue out of it.

In October, I skipped college for 3 days and went back home to meet him. This was kind of a big deal seeing as it took me an eight hour train ride from Sunshine Valley to reach Redwoods.

We went for a movie (but didn't exactly watch the movie), had lunch together with a couple of friends, went on a drive, went to his place and went for a movie again. Those three days were a blur. We hit a little bit of third base. It was nice and felt good, and I had so much love for him in my heart.

It wasn't as if we didn't have problems. I almost broke up with him on the way home that time. He wasn't being understanding of the efforts I put in to go meet him. Every. Single. Time.

But as usual, he knew exactly what to say to get me back. And so we continued.

In October, after I went back to college, my friends and I went out for Zack's birthday weekend. We had so much fun, and although Ashley was there, she was mostly occupied by her boyfriend. On the way back, I got sick and couldn't even stand in the train. Zack was so helpful, he sat next to me and I put my head on his shoulder.

That following week, I got even more sick and Zack gave me all kinds of attention that Steve didn't. I was able to understand that Steve was far away, but asking how I felt and telling me to take care didn't require too much effort. He still didn't do it. I didn't know then that Zack had feelings for me. I just assumed he was a nice guy by nature.

The trees rustle in the wind and apart from that the only sounds are my shoes hitting the ground. I realise what a mess I've gotten myself into. I realise I'm not even sure if I love Steve anymore and I'm not sure if I love Zack now.

I just know that I need to solve this, because however much I try, my feelings for Zack isn't going to go away.