Classroom of the Elite: Alter - Self-Test

SS.3 - Kushida Kikyou: Only For This Moment

"Fuu..." I sighed deeply before finally pressing the doorbell.

After a couple of seconds later, he finally opened up.

"Kushida, come in," he said in his usual dull tone.

He's always been like this. Ever since I first met him, Ayanokouji-kun lacked personality in his voice. Everyone's first impression of him will always be a gloomy loner who doesn't know how to talk with other people.

The moment I entered his room, the stress I'd bottled up for the last three days resurfaced in my mind. I instantly felt weak and infuriated. This was also the reason why I'm in Ayanokouji-kun's room right now. I wanted to let out some steam.

After I removed my shoes, I saw Ayanokouji-kun standing there, waiting for me.

"You can go ahead and use the bed, Kushida. I'll just sit somewhe-"

I approached Ayanokouji-kun without stopping. I bumped into him, leaning my forehead on his broad chest.

"Kushida?" he asked.

"My bad. I just felt like absolute shit after today and it was really tiring..." I replied.

"I see," he answered, not saying anything else.

Leaning on him like this... feels really comforting. After a minute or so, I felt Ayanokouji's arm move upward.

"Pat my head and I'll kill you," I threatened in a deep voice.

"I'll do it anyway," He ignored my warning and proceeded to gently ruffle my hair.

"You'll ruin it, Ayanokouji-kun..." I was annoyed by his actions but was too tired to resist.

"You look really drained today, Kushida."

"Yeah..." I pushed his body aside and sat on the bed. "Sit beside me."

Ayankouji quietly complied and sat on the edge.

"It's so frustrating and annoying, Ayanokouji-kun..." I said. "Two days ago, when my group and Karuizawa-san's group here hanging out, it just felt so annoying!"

He did nothing but stare at me. His face showed no emotion, which would make anyone who sees it think that he's fundamentally indifferent towards everything he was seeing or hearing.

"Some of the girls from their side started harassing Kokoro-chan and Mii-chan. Of course, they weren't blatant about it, but their passive-aggression kinda got out of hand. When I tried to mediate the situation by shifting their attention to something else, those bitches decided to turn on me!" I ranted.

"They started to throw their passive-aggressive jabs at me. I wanted to talk back and shut them up so bad! But I had to fucking endure everything until our groups separated!"

It's just the ugly truth of the interactions between girls. You can act arrogant when you have your reputation and friends behind you and still get away with it. To be honest, I'd probably act unreachable like Karuizawa-san, arrogant like Shinohara-san, or blunt like Maezono-san if I wasn't the Kushida Kikyou I am now.

"I understand that their actions were driven by peer pressure and social norms, but at the end of the day, they still acted like bitches, and that pisses me off! Like, what? They don't get to act like that when they're not even as cute as me! Their ringleader, Karuizawa-san, just got a big head because she's Hirata-kun's girlfriend! Heh, and of course, the ugly ducklings would wag their tails for her because they can't make names for themselves! Damn it..."

I'm smart enough to judge that they're not bad people per se... But, at that moment in time, I wished for them to die.

When I looked at Ayanokouji-kun's face, his expression remained unchanging. He offered no comforting words nor did he defend the ones I was backstabbing.

"And then..." I went ahead and told him everything I kept inside for the past three days. My hidden thoughts about others, the way I made fun of them in my mind while acting nice, the disgusting creeps that I wish didn't exist, the other bitches that think they're cute when they're not-- all of the putrid and vile secrets I've held in. I released them all and had Ayanokouji-kun hear everything.

After I finished my piece, slightly gasping for air, I lowered my head and leaned it on his shoulder.

"Let me cling to you, only for this moment. But don't get any ideas, Ayanokouji-kun. Just feel thankful that you get to see me like this; miserable and vulnerable. That's what boys like to see anyway, right?" I scoffed at him.

I expected him to bite back and deny whatever I was assuming but...

"It feels liberating, doesn't it?" he commented.

"What?"

"Ever since you were young, your mindset has already been like this, right? That's why you didn't trust anyone. They all thought they knew who Kushida Kikyou was, but you were keeping them at arm's length without them even realizing it. You didn't have anyone in your life who you can truly confide with your deepest and darkest thoughts. A classmate or friend would have a hold over you, so they weren't an option. A family member would reprimand you so they weren't an option either," he narrated.

Liberating, huh?

He's right... My blog was the wrong approach due to its innate risk and yelling everything out loud held the same amount of danger. It's what led Ayanokouji-kun to get an advantage over me in the first place.

"It certainly feels lighter in the chest to have someone listen to me without worrying about the consequences."

"I don't know if there's anyone out there like me, but I'm probably the only option you have right now, anyway. I don't really care if you badmouth or make fun of anyone, even if it's Horikita, Hirata, or my friends," he said.

"You really are cold, aren't you, Ayanokouji-kun?" I scoffed.

"As long as they're not in any danger, I couldn't care less."

This was why I decided to trust Ayanokouji-kun to some extent, even if he knew the entirety of my past. He was even better than me at keeping secrets. After all, my past, my true nature, and my real thoughts on other people weren't weapons for him to use. To Ayanokouji-kun, they were nothing but useless noises that he heard somewhere on the streets.

"What if someone else was badmouthing me? You said you didn't care about hearing people make fun of your friends, right?" I asked without acting cute, nice, or angelic.

On the surface, Ayanokouji-kun was the star student of Class B alongside Hirata-kun. And despite his gloomy appearance, he strives to become friends with everyone, trying his best to engage in conversations and other types of social interactions...

In reality, he was a cold, calculating, and cunning person who only values himself... and...

"Hmm, I'd probably tell you, if I remember it," he answered, still acting indifferent.

-and me, his first friend.