One Direction Sad Preferences

Liam

*This isn't as sad, but it concludes to the hate the girlfreidns, and the boys, get everyday.*

Youre such a hoe with no job just don’t

Liam’s only dating u because he feels sorry for u

Why is he dating you?! HE SHOULD BE DATING ME

I hate you

ur so ugly

youre so fat

youre so stupid

pathetic

bitch

slut

fat

attention

seeking

WHORE!

Tears streaked down your face and into your lap, swiftly, silently.  You forced yourself to scroll through the Twitter mentions.  Get through them.  It will be done, it will be over.  But you knew it wouldn’t be.  There would be more because there’s always more.  There’s always someone else who needs to share their opinion about you.

It was now you wished Liam was just a regular guy, so you could have a regular relationship, and have regular things to cry about.  You wanted him here.  You wanted to go out and not have to stop and wait for him to sign 15 autographson the way.  You didn’t want to be afraid of your Twitter.  You didn’t want all eyes on you.  You just wanted to shrink until you could disappear.

You stared at yourself in the mirror. Eventually, you just couldn’t take it.  You put your head in your hands and just felt sorry for yourself, wanting to be prettier, wanting to be skinnier.  If I was skinnier, my life would be perfect, was your logic.

You didn’t know your relationship with Liam could make you think like this.

Before, you’d been confident, easy- going, and quick to laugh.  Now you hated yourself, you studied every little imperfection.  You believed the things you heard on Twitter, and you didn’t have anyone there to tell you otherwise.  Liam was on tour.  He’d be gone all year.

Sometimes, you let yourself fall apart.  But this time was different.  You wanted them to feel bad, or you wanted them to know that you were stronger and more beautiful than they were.  You wanted to feel like you deserved Liam.  You wanted him to be proud of you.  You wanted to be the person you were before Liam strolled into your life and turned everything completely upside down.

First you tried dieting.  But you gave up after two weeks.  Then came exercising more.  This worked, but you wanted faster results, always faster results.  You couldn’t keep eating.  You had to stop because you were a sick, disgusting pig.

You went to the cupboards and filled your arms with everything in there, anything you could binge on.  You took the cereals and shoved them in the trash.  You dumped the apples on top of them.  Bread, cake mix, granola bars, chicken, Pop Tarts… it was all crammed down and disposed of.  You dumped the juice down the sink, watching it disdainfully.  Everything went.  It took a surprisingly short time to clear it all out.

You were good at not eating.  You wanted this.  You wanted to be skinny. You wanted to prove everyone wrong.  You took pride in being able to resist those pangs of hunger when you knew most people wouldn’t be able to.

You exercised three hours every morning, then went back to the gym at night if you could.  Each day you measured and weighed, watching yourself slowly shrink until maybe you could disappear.

Despite whatever the numbers said, you still weren’t perfect.  You poked and prodded your stomach and thighs screaming silently at yourself for not being thinner.  You were always huge, never good enough.

Every night, Liam called.  You tried to shake the fatigue from your voice during those beautiful twenty minutes on the phone with him.  You tried to come up with things you did that day, friends you’d talked to, places you went.  He never stopped believing you for a second.  Why should he?

After these phone calls you always thought the same thing:  Five years ago, would I even imagine of doing this to myself?

But you were a different person than five years ago.  You just wanted approval from society.  The kind of expectations that were held for you would alter any person.

It didn’t take long.  You were soon living off 300 calories (or less) a day.  Your kitchen cabinets contained two boxes of crackers and three cans of soup.  Your fridge held 12 cans of Sprite.

Six months of this.  You’d lost 23 pounds.  Your hair was dry, your eyes unfocused.  You were always freezing.  But still it was not enough.

You began counting down the days until Liam’s return.  It was only a few months now.  And you were shrinking fast, maybe you couldn’t stop it.  Maybe you would really disappear.

@I-want-the-one-d Wrote this on Tumblr!!