Insanity | A Marcus Butler Fan Fiction

Chapter 9

Comfort.

I felt comfort.

Yet at the same time, I felt extreme discomfort. 

I felt literal discomfort as in I would have striking pains in my neck and back, shooting up my spine and I was unable to move to sit in a better position. I felt sore all over, very achey and disoriented. I didn't open my eyes since they felt as though they had to remain closed in order to remain in my comfort.

Oh yes. I didn't explain my comfort to you yet. Well, I know that physically I am a wreck. But mentally I felt at ease. I don't know what it was. My mind was empty, almost. Like there was no way for me escape this bliss that was nothing-ness. Not wondering about anything stressful. Just remaining silent. Not thinking about the future or the past. Thinking about nothing. Being relaxed. It was bliss. It was perfect. It was my near-death experience.

Near-death experiences are supposed to teach you something and provoke you to have some big epiphany, and I kind-of did. My near-death experience wasn't major at all. It was just fear. The fear that I wouldn't be able to have the things I always dreamed for. My career. My friends. My family. Love. Relationships.

I didn't want to lose these things. But as I dug deeper into this strange world of emptiness that was my mind, I realized that this whole thing was exactly what I needed. I needed this sense of nothing. This relaxed tone of forgetting things and seeing the darkness of my closed eyes. Because this was a horrible yet honest metaphor of fate- you can never expect what will happen. You can't map things out just the way you want them to be. As I was taught as a young child, "You don't always get what you want." 

As unfortuneate as that saying is, it's true.

And of course, after my "epiphany", fate knocked on my door yet again and ripped me out of my empty mind and into the cruel and strange world that is reality.

~~~

I slowly began to open my eyes and it was painful. The bright lights of the room burned my eyes and it really doesn't help that my eyes are very light in color and quite sensitive.

It took me a moment to gather my surroundings and understand that I am indeed in the hospital. I attempted to sit up, but it was a struggle on my body. I decided to give up and just lay there until a nurse or doctor or somebody comes in to help me.

Typical.

I laid there for probably 15 minutes until somebody finally came in to check on me. The nurse noticed I was awake and began to call down the hall to other doctors and nurses to come into my room and look at me. At that point I was extremely confused. What are they doing? I'm not that fascinating.

But alas I was, because I apparantly should not be alive right now. What a lovely conversation starter. 

They told me how servere the accident was and how I was in direct contact with the other car, as if I was a target and the other driver was a hunter.

They told me I was doing well in my case but I still have to be in the ICU just because of the severity of the whole thing.

It wasn't until all of the doctors each played a quick game of medical 20 questions with me when I could finally be left alone. All I wanted was to sit up. All I wanted.

I heard a knock on the door a few moments later and I expected another doctor to ask about my recovery and medical history, but instead I saw Drew poke his head into my room with that little grin of his that makes all of the girls melt. Drew and I were too close to ever consider each other as boyfriend/girlfriend material, but I will admit his smile was contagious.

"How's the patient?! I heard you're doing pretty well for your kind of situation," Drew said, automatically brightening my day.

"That's what I heard too."

"Then kudos to you. I wanted to buy a bottle of champagne to celebrate but no alcohol is allowed on the premises."

"I really don't need alcohol at eleven in the morning."

"Obviously you aren't in any condition for champagne, but I'm always game for it."

"Of course you are," I said, smiling.

"Ali, are you really okay?"

"What do you mean?"

"The doctors say you're doing fine physically, but what about emotionally?"

"Emotionally?"

"Yeah, you know, like feelings? Ever heard of those?" he questioned jokingly.

"Briefly, maybe once or twice," I said back in the same kind of manner.

"But seriously, Ali. You don't look so great. You're holding back. What is it?"

"Honestly, Drew, I don't even know at this point. I'm so confused. I know I will be better soon. I know I will. But emotionally, all I can think about is Marcus. He's like nobody else I ever met. When I'm with him, I just feel so complete. As if I somehow found my other half. I don't know what it is, but Marcus is special. He's really special."

"Is he the one, you think?"

I paused before I answered. "...I don't know. That's up for fate to decide."

"Ooh, that's deep," Drew said and I laughed, though it hurt with so much pain words wouldn't ever be able to describe it. "Ali, really though."

"Yeah?"

"I'm a guy. And usually guys are pretty clueless when it comes to relationship stuff, and I'm not sure what it is, but there's always been this kind of look that you and Marcus exchange that no one else could ever replicate. You guys are always so happy together and seem to be in some kind of world of your own and have some kind of bond that no one could ever break. It's love at it's finest."

I looked at Drew. "You really meant that?"

"Cross my heart."

We sat in silence for awhile until I heard another knock on my door. 

"Come in," I said.

The door opened and a cute blond with a messed up quiff waltzed in and rushed to my bedside, gripping my right hand. I smiled, giddy to see him, but his face was serious and he had no intentions of doing anything except for being here.

"I'm going to go to the food court. You guys want anything?" Drew asked.

"Nah, I'm good," I replied, gave him a grateful smile, and he left the room, noticing that Marcus and I have a lot of talking to do.

As soon as Drew left the room, Marcus looked straight at me and said, "I'm so sorry. I can't believe I did this. This is all my fault-"

"Marcus," I interrupted, "you didn't do anything wrong. It was the other driver that caused the whole accident."

"I know but-"

"Marcus, stop. You don't need to apologize for anything. You're fine, I'm fine, it's all perfectly fine. It will all be okay."

He kept looking at me, still gripping my hand tight. I once again began to be self-conscience and my gaze fell from his and I could feel the heat rush to my face.

"You're blushing," Marcus said, smiling. I couldn't help but blush even more.

He grabbed my chin, pointed my face directly at his and kissed me gently enough to make sure I wasn't in any sort of pain. He kissed me so gingerly yet the tingles spread through my body just as they did every other time we kissed, and it was brilliant.

We kept kissing until we heard (yet again) another knock. We stopped, looked at the door, and saw my internship director, who at first was shocked to find Marcus here in my room, and her face showed slight confusion. But then her face gathered a look of recognition and clarity as she realized that Marcus wasn't here to give me flowers and then leave. She knew he was something more. She knew he was my boyfriend. She could know it all. How? Because she's a psychiatrist- and psychiatrists can see through it all.