Insanity | A Marcus Butler Fan Fiction

Chapter 3

The week went on quickly from all of my excitement and new life in a foreign country. I love walking to the train station everyday, going to the internship, learning new techniques and styles when someone is at therapy, how to make someone feel a bit more comfortable around you and to open up a bit more. I also love being on my own. Though I may share a train ride home with Drew, I still go on my own to restaurants, events, making plans, and I feel even though I have only been here for a week, that I am maturing and learning to become a bit more adult-like. I'm not living at my own place, sure, but I still am living in my own room and went to an internship by myself. Obviously my school choice wasn't too far away from home, so this is the first real live-on-my-own kind of situtation where my mom isn't just a fifteen minute drive away.

My mom and I have always been close since I was the youngest in the family and there is a large age difference between my sister and I. My sister is ten years older than me (yeah, it's crazy, I know) and her name is Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn and I were close when I was younger, but after she went to college and started to grow up and live with her boyfriend, things shifted. We weren't as close, we can still talk, but things just start to become a bit more awkward when you don't see each other everyday like when I was eight and she was eighteen. Whenever she would come home for visits on the weekends and she would talk to me, it would be about what I wear, how I act, the things I say, and she would really just make me feel dumb. I was about thirteen or fourteen when this happened and Kaitlyn was out of college. Kaitlyn thought I was disgusting and strange since that was the time when I started to like boys a bit more than I did when I was younger. Because when I was younger boys obviously had cooties. 

But since I started to like boys more and I would talk about them with my friends and all, along with having the nerve to finally say around my family, "Now he's hot" or "He's attractive" or something of that nature, my mom and dad didn't care since they were always around me and they know that I was saying it in a jokey sort of manner, but my sister would tell me that I was weird or strange. Kaitlyn made me a bit more uneasy because whenever she would come home, I knew I was in for something. That might not have been her goal or reason for coming home, but if it came across in conversation, you best believe that she had some words to say about it.

Therefore when I grew up, I was certainly the more awkward child. I always had to stand behind Kaitlyn for her to shine. My mom always stood up for me but that made things worse. I didn't ever like conflict and I never wanted to say anything. I enjoyed being apart of conversations, but I enjoyed observing them more. I liked to be invisible. It was my forte. It was harder to be invisible at school since I was tall, pale, thin and lanky, but I could certainly still try to be invisible there. 

That's partially the reason I wanted to become a psychiatrist. I was always confident in my work as a student and I was definitely a book worm, but at the same time, I understand what it's like to be the underdog. To want to be invisible. To want to remain unnoticed, and to crave to become noticed. I get it completely. So to be understood is something I can help people with, because my experiences are behind everything I say.

Along with being invisible and being inferior to Kaitlyn, it made me not want to talk about boys or talk to boys in fear of something my family would say. I was always nervous about telling my sister that a boy asked me out because like I said, I was awkward. I always felt like I was too young to date so I was always nervous to tell my mom. And my dad was my dad, so you know. 

I have dated guys, but nothing was ever too serious except for one, whom I lost my virginity to. Nobody knows that though, and I plan on keeping it that way. I would never tell anyone, not even my closest of friends. 

His name was Brendan. Brendan and I were close. He was one of my best friends and I felt like I could tell him anything, and it went both ways. He could tell me anything. Like I said, we were the best of friends. We dated for two years, we began dating around the summer of junior year in high school all the way until the beginning of freshman year in college.

Things just became too difficult to stay together. He went to school in California and I was in Boston, and things were too disconnected. We broke it off, saying we would get back together if we wanted to, but we both lost interest. We're still friends, but it's obvious that things are different now.

I wonder to this day if things were meant to be this way or not, but everyone says that things happen for a reason.

I'm still waiting for that reason though.