Darkness: The Life Beyond

Chapter. 8

After about an hour of talking to my physiatrist and filling out paperwork.

"I'd say you're suffering from major depressive disorder, general anxiety disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, social anxiety, selective mutism, attention deficit disorder, eating disorder, imposter syndrome, and bipolar disorder." My psychiatrist told me.

My parents had no idea cause there was no way I'm telling them that they were going to expose me to the whole family.

So I went in private, after my appointment I went to get my medication and started my plan.

After I got home I hid all of my medications so my family members wouldn't find them, at one of my meetings to help me become more social, which in turn made me more antisocial because I seriously don't do well with people, especially groups.

I met this middle-aged man named Philip, he was a dude I hung out with after my session and we sat on the steps in front of the building talking about stuff.

After that, he invited me to eat waffles with him. I agreed and then headed home on my bike.

As we both entered the restaurant and sat in our seats and got our food after a while of waiting, we began to talk. It was snowing outside as it was November.

"So Jordan," said Philip.

"How are you holding up?" He asked me as he took a sip of the water he ordered.

"Numb, but kinda better than before," I said.

"So you're making progress, that's good."

"Anything else?" Philip added.

"Well yea, but if I tell you this you promise not to turn me over to the police?" I questioned him with a high look on my face.

"Jordan look, I'm here as a friend, not your parent, counselor, or whatever," Philip said.

"Alight," I said as I was about to dumb out how I was exactly feeling.

"I'll be completely honest with you, I feel like offing myself soon."

Philip looked at me worried as he knows what I'm feeling since he's been through the same thing.

"Look kid, how old are you?" Philip asked.

"Eighteen," I said.

"You're young, going through a hard time, emotions are all over the place, not in the right mindset," he said.

"Why is it you're feeling like this?" He questioned me as I looked at him with the tightened hood on my hoodie covering my face.

"I'm just so tired, tired of the cruel world, tired of living, trying, doing the same thing over and over until I'm dead, I just can't do it anymore, tired of my mental state giving me all the mixed emotions that I wish I can just get rid of," I said.

Philip looked at me as he messaged his chin.

"I just don't want to be a part of it all anymore," I said as I struggled to make eye contact.

"I know what you're feeling like, trust me I know," Philip said.

"What do you know? You're like this wise old man," I said in a joking manner.

"Middle-aged actually," he corrected me.

"And trust me, you don't want to hear my story," Philip added.

"Now I want to know, come on tell me I'm intrigued now," I said in hopes to get a response, I took a bite out of the waffles Philip ordered for me.

"Alright I'll tell you, I was abusive towards my wife, neglected my kids, stone cold drug addict, homeless, and all the bad things you can imagine. I was the very thing I hoped not to be, what my father was," Philip said.

"You see, everything you're feeling I've felt too, everything you've thought about doing I've thought it too, everything bad you did I did too, you lived eighteen years well I've lived twice that amount," Philip said as I was questioning what his point was.

"I spent my years trying to better myself, but I cannot wake up one day and decide to erase the damage I've done, I'll always be an abuser, and a shit person, take it from me, don't let your past define you, trust it is good in your heart, trust yourself to grow out of the negative patterns, start every day as a day to turn it around," Philip Bonneville Ozanne said; which is his full name.

"You said you wanted out of here soon right? Well, what do you want everyone to remember you as?" Philip asked me as I continued to struggle to make eye contact while playing with the string on my hoodie.

"I want everyone to know that I tried to become the best person I can be, because all my life I've felt that I'm not good enough," I said.

All this family talk reminded Philip he needed to call his family as he already made up with them years ago.

"I'll be right back," Philip said as he went to go outside, pulling his phone out of his pocket and dialing a number.