Darkness: The Life Beyond

Chapter. 7

Today was the first day of my new job while I'm a senior in high school.

My first day of orientation was going well teaching me how everything works and where everything is located and how to do my job.

My shift was from 2:30 to 7:30 pm and I was kind of excited to start my first ever job.

After a few weeks of working I made my first check, "$463.70 was deposited into your bank account," and once I got home after my shift at work.

My parents are asking me to lend them $200.

I lent them it because I didn't feel like arguing and didn't need all the extra bull shit clouding my mind.

This job is good for keeping me distracted and keeping my mind off bad things.

Especially after what I discovered yesterday.

"Each paycheck we're going to need $100 to $200 from you," my mom said with a cheeky look on her face.

"What?!" I questioned in disbelief.

"That's absurd," I told her.

"Well we need the extra money," she replied.

"And I need to buy my stuff," I said argumentatively.

"Why do you have to take it from me? Why not Layla, she's a nurse for crying out loud," I said to my mom as she didn't give a response.

After a few minutes of silence, she said, "You finally done complaining? We need the money to pay off bills, I'll pay you back my next paycheck."

I didn't even know what to say to that, I just looked at her and left to go to my room.

I had already moved school and lost my best friend Ava from 10th grade and now I'm in twelfth.

Which I've gotten used to by now. Every time I finally get friends I lose them due to moving.

So now I have no friends, moms taking half my check, sad, lonely, and all of the worst things I can be feeling right now, just kill me now.

I woke up the next morning to get ready for school and today was presentation day, one of the days I hate the most because of several reasons.

I got ready and did all my morning routine, counting my footsteps all the way to the bus so I can ease my anxiety about walking in my neighborhood.

I got onto the bus and sat at the front, once I got seated I pulled out my phone and put my headphones in, and listened to music the whole bus ride as I looked out the window while leaning my head on it.

After I sat in silence throughout the bus ride to school I got up from my seat and picked up my book bag from next to me—I placed it there so nobody would sit next to me—and put it on, then walked straight to my first-period class, it started ten minutes after I arrived.

Alright class I hope y'all had a great weekend and in about ten minutes I'm going to call on y'all to do your presentations.

My leg is bouncing from anxiety already.

"Jordan! You're up first," my teacher said, calling out on me. I tried not to look behind me as I felt the eyes of everyone watching me get as I got more and more nervous with each step as I got to the board I looked at the class eyeing me, as I can only think about what they're thinking of me.

The more I think about how judgmental everyone might be thinking of me, the more nervous I get. I began sweating underneath my hoodie, barely forming words "I-" "I um-" "the-" heartbeat began increasing, trembling, racing thoughts. After about three minutes of this, I passed out on the floor.

I opened my eyes and saw everyone crowded around me with their phones out recording and taking pictures of me, the teacher was trying to get them to back away and give me room to breathe.

I went home early that day and that was a good thing. I couldn't deal with the embarrassment although I do have to deal with it tomorrow.

As I was walking home counting my footsteps "1", "2", "3", "4", "5", "6", "1", "2", "3", "4", "5", "6", I counted over and over until I reach my house.

As I was walking home I would get these vivid images in my head like randomly getting shot and killed, hit by a car, or kidnapped.

And when I get home I would get even more unwanted thoughts as when I'm cooking I would think to myself to put my hand on the stovetop or stab myself with a knife.

They won't go away either and are rather persistent.

After I came to realize just how bad I was getting I decided I could use some help. So I decided to schedule a physiatrist.