Philosophical

Chapter 21

 After a few hours of sitting there, the sun had started to rise, the very tips of it painting the dark sky red. Feiya returned to her cottage and lied on her bed, though she didn't fall asleep. She thought to herself instead. After seeing the lantern festival, I felt... how would you call it? Empty, I suppose. How could I fix that? Do I not go to festivals or ceremonies anymore? Is that logical? In these circumstances, should we think logically in the first place? Is the answer illogical? How do I stop feeling empty? It has been hours since the ceremony, yet I still feel like that. Will it naturally wear away? How did the ceremony make me feel so sad in the first place?

Feiya sighed. Answers she had longed for couldn't be answered. By her, at least.

The girl got up and changed her clothes from a lilac tunic and knee length black leggings to a plain grey tunic and baggy brown farmer pants. She touched her pocket to make sure her mother's vision was there, then tugged on her boots and went outside to start towards Wangshu Inn.

Once Feiya got there, she walked up the stairs to the front desk. It was still early in the morning, so nobody had really woken up. Two or three people roamed around the building. When Verr saw the girl, she immediately got up from her desk and rushed over. She cupped Feiya's face with her own hands. "Are you okay? Did something happen?" She asked, her eyebrows furrowing.

Feiya shook her head. "I supposed not. I came to ask for a day off."

Verr removed her hands from Feiya's face and put them on her hips. "What happened?"

"Nothing in particular."

"Feiya don't lie to me. I've known you since I was a child, I can tell when something is off. What happened?"

Feiya looked down at the ground. "Something that you need not worry about."

"What do you mean something I don't need to worry about!" Verr snapped. "You're my friend, of course I need to worry! You can't bottle everything up as you did before!"

"I-I'll talk about it with the doctor," the girl whispered.

Verr sighed and looked at her with uneasy eyes. "I'll give two days off for you. I apologize for raising my voice. Feel better, alright?"

Feiya nodded and bowed at her. "Thank you very much. I shall take my leave now." She then left the inn.

Verr sighed and returned to her desk after watching Feiya leave. Once Xiao comes, I'll ask him to escort her, she thought.

The grey haired girl set out for the city. She walked for about an hour and a half until she finally stood before Liyue Harbor's grand gates. The sun was now a mere centimeter away from touching the calm sea. Feiya admired the view, then pet the eager dogs at her feet, then walked into the bustling city. As she moved she looked for the pharmacy until finally spotting it perched near the higher area of the harbor.

Once Feiya peeked through the gates that led to the pharmacy, she saw Xiao sitting at a bench near the pond, causing her to immediately hide behind the gate. Her eyebrows furrowed in frustration. 

Do I tell him or not? Is there a reason to tell him? He will be mad if I refuse, yet he will be... how will he be if I told him? Frustrated perhaps? Is there a way to avoid him and get to the pharmacy? Is this problem worth being hidden away in the first place? Does that mean I am wasting time here? I should get to the pharmacy immediately, but what if Xiao interferes? Will he interfere? He really is too difficult to read. Cold yet warm at the same time. Feiya shook her head. This is ridiculous, if he stops me, I shall listen to his reasoning, and then decide whether his explanation is fair. After her contemplation, she turned to walk through the gate again.

As soon as she peered over, her eyes met Xiao's amber ones. "Finally done overthinking?" he said as he walked over from his bench.

Feiya nodded slowly, surprised yet not surprised that he had spotted her from before. "You know me too well. What brings you here?"

"Verr said you were seeing a doctor and was worried for you. She had me make sure you are fine. I was waiting for your arrival." The teenage girl felt a slight pang in her heart.

"How thoughtful of her. She really is a good friend," she sighed and looked down. "Perhaps I should get to the pharmacy now. Thank you for checking on me." The grey haired teenager tried to continue walking forward until Xiao grabbed her wrist.

"Are you well, though?" He asked. His voice was calm, but his eyes showed a worryful expression.

"I am well to the point where I can live a happy life. If you could kindly let go of me so I can see the doctor's..." Instead, Xiao tightened his grip.

Feiya looked up at Xiao with a hesitant expression. "Have I done something upsetting?"

"Highly upsetting," Xiao growled with soul piercing, glaring eyes. "You feel something so painful that you have to go see a professional, yet didn't tell any of your friends."

Feelings of regret stabbed through her heart, and she looked down at her feet again. She never said anything so that Verr wouldn't worry, but thinking about it, Verr would worry more if she never told her. "I-I am truly sorry. There is no real reason to hide away this specific... issue." An issue. Flaw. Problem. A horrible issue, flaw, problem. Shameful, embarrassed to be said out loud. Embarrassment, such a stupid emotion. Scared that others will look down on the flaws that all people have. Sadness that imperfections exist. Yet so common, a thing that not one person hasn't lived with for every day of their lives. Yet why?

Perhaps in fear that those imperfections will take their loved ones away.

Perhaps like how my loved ones were taken away.

And just like that, everything blurred.

The next thing she knew, Feiya collapsed onto the ground, body shaking, heart beating with a tight, uncomfortable feeling. Sweat dripping down her forehead. Her eyesight fuzzy, her ears being drowned with the hopeless weeping of her mother and washing away the sound of Xiao calling her name. It was the same feeling from last night, but stronger. More unbearable than ever before.

Tears trickled down her cheek, and her dull, painful eyes met Xiao's, who was trying to pick her up and take her to the pharmacy.

How could I? she thought. How could I push you all away to the back of my mind and live happily without you?

How could I?

I wonder if I'm good at this whole angst thingy 🤔

If I am, maybe I'll do another book like this after finishing

Funfact: I started this book with no real plot plans since it was just a random idea that would kill me internally if I didn't do anything about it

Also, maaaaaybe(?) a plan of posting one chapter every three days. But I might get lazy/too busy/writer's block/idk and make my posting schedule random.

Very nice of me to write oh so cheerfully while Feiya just suffered the equivalent of a 'Wrath of the Bunny'. (Ehehehehhhh)