Punishment

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I find Zhan still peacefully sleeping in my arms, facing me as his long eyelashes teasing my neck. His one leg wrap around my waist and hand tightly holding my shirt. I'm surprised how sweet was my sleep last night, guess it was him chasing my nightmares away. So fucking close now... I want and desire him so much it hurts but why the hell am I unable to take him? I know he won't...more can't say no, he is mine, he belongs to me but I fear something, maybe seeing hate and disgust in his eyes like before? I did never care about things like this, sex was always best way for me to relieve stress, next day I couldn't even remember their faces. The only one I kept with me is barbie but there was the reason why I couldn't just throw him away and there is reason too why I can't let him come closer.

But last night everything changed, first time I hated it, I was forcing myself, foolishly thinking I was punishing Zhan for ignoring and provoking me, but such a nonsense. Zhan just doesn't care, he will never. suddenly my phone calls loudly and he moves, without opening eyes Zhan tries to free himself from my grip and I let him go, I know he isn't sleeping, he wasn't last night too. anyway we're both going to act like he didn't hear and I didn't say anything. 

"yes, I'm listening Barbie" hearing the name Zhan immediately sits up and rubs his eyes "ok, I'll wait for you"

"bet that poor guy is going to complain about me, be sweet sugar daddy for him please" he mockingly says but I'm more concerned about his messy, funny looking hair

"why? did you do something to him?"

"maybe just warning to not run his long tongue?" he grins and looks at me "but you're too busy at that time, by dancefucking someone" I can notice his lips forming little pout and can't help myself but smile

"thought you're doing the same"

"I'm going to take the shower and then leave for work, so you two can freely mind your fucking business" 

"Zhan" I call when he already reaches the bathroom

"what now?"

"you kind of force me to make you angry"

"ha?"

"you look so sexy and cute at that time" 

"cute my ass" he almost yells and rushes in, so he can be teased too, I sigh and hug the pillow with still remaining scent of his warm body. there is too much things running in my mind but most important is that... everything in me is changing slowly and it scares me

*****

Barbie comes in and is going to hug me but I move back and just sign to sit down, I can see hurt and anger in his eyes but for this moment really don't care. 

"life is truly funny no? I just told Zhan last night you're going to leave him very soon but... guess it's me you're throwing out now" he painfully laughs and eyes me "you're always selfish"

"did I ever hide it? but are you any different?"

"I...I helped you before"

"and i did't forget it, even I did aren't you here to make me remember it?"

"Yibo" 

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