It Hurts

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Trembling with my whole body, I free myself from Yibo's arms and move one step forward. Mom's expressions drastically changes and I feel like being in the worst nightmare. She runs into house again and follow back still hoping this situation is possible to be fixed

"Mom" I call lowly and she turns towards me, same... She looks at me like I was looking at myself into mirror, same reject and disgust "please"

"Tell me Zhan, tell me I saw something wrongly"

"Mom trust me, i didn't"

"Look at yourself, you think I'm idiot? All ruined and messy, you think Idon't know what you two were going? you spent night out and I was worrying to death something bad happened and you...you became..."

"I'm not like dad, I really am not. Mom you can't understand"

"Tell me you never did it, tell me you don't have feelings for him" I freeze and lower my head, how can I do it? When Yibo never leaves my mind, when just remembering him makes me crazy "I let him in my house, I even feed him,  I was so admired for that boy, in front of me, you two were playing this dirty game?"

"It isn't like you think mom, I really tried my best, it wasn't my fault"

"how could you hurt me like this, you... my only and precious baby. I'm too disappointed in you, you aren't... My son anymore" the tears nonstop keeps dropping from her eyes and I feel my heart breaking, I feared the most to see her in this condition, I wanted to make mom happy and proud of me but instead I became reason of his tears "you're... Disgusting like others"

"Not you too..." I fall down and cover my ears "I already keep telling this to myself mom, I already hate myself enough, please not you too, hearing it from you kills me mom, please don't"

"It's enough" she says coldly and walks towards her room, I chase her body and wrap my arms around her legs, begging with desperation

"If you leave me mom, I'll never be able to get out from this filth, I was dragged in. I'm sorry, I'm very sorry just stay with me please, help me, save me"

"I don't want to see you anymore, I don't want to hear your voice anymore"

Harsh words we don't really mean but still say so easily while being upset, wishing for something we don't really want to happen but still can't hold it in, hurting others and ourselves too. This words and wishes sometimes...really comes true

***

I wake up still laying on the floor, covered by blanket. I search for her in whole house and outside too but mom is nowhere to see. At the end I find little letter almost drenched by tears on the table "I'll stay with your aunt from now on, don't come for me. I could forgive everything but not this, never"

I watch at it until my vision gets blurry cause of tears, I drag myself to the kitchen and notice my fave dish still warm, the last time mom took care of me. what if I... My stare falls on the knife and think will someone even care if I die? I don't have any true friends, I don't have family anymore, Yang Zi will be free from this relationship which didn't have future from the beginning, and him...Wang Yibo will be very angry losing his prey, this thought makes me laugh and take it slowly moving on my wrist

"Congressman Wang is going to meet with his voters tomorrow, in front of his company. He'll talk about his future plans" hearing familiar name from the TV i stop and look down at my already bleeding hand, why me? When it may be them? I have one joker, why not use it? Death is never late

*****

"Zhan you're here" secretary greets me with smile and I do the same, kind of feeling sorry for always using her for the revenge

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