Love or Hate

Chapter 19: Forgiveness

        TW: talks about sexual assault
         Jayden's POV

I've been going to the therapy session every other day for the past three weeks and they've really been helping me. Today we're supposed to talk about some of my childhood trauma. I've told Dr. Johnson what I told Alex but today I'm talking about something I've never told anyone.

"How are you feeling today?"

"Good I've been a bit more peaceful so thank you for that"

"It's no problem, I like to help people so they don't end up living with a bunch of demons inside"

"Well where do we start?"

"We could start with your childhood trauma if you want"

"Ok, what do you want specifically?"

"Anything you're comfortable talking about"

"Alright, I guess I could start with my dad. Growing up my parents were happily married and I had a good relationship with both of them, until I was five.

My dad lost his job and started drinking. He would get so mad at me over the littlest things and he would start arguments with my mom in front of me.

Then when I was in the first grade I was kinda small and short so I got bullied a lot but then I met the rest of my friends so that stopped. One of the most traumatic moments of my life was when I was when I was waiting on my dad to pick me up from school and the crew had all went home, and these three guys who were all big and tall had jumped me.

I was in so much pain and one of them broke my nose. My dad finally got there after they left and he just yelled and cursed at me for not standing up for myself and being a little punk bitch. I got diagnosed with PTSD from that. Since then my fight or flight response are 10x worse than the average person"

I started getting sniffling a little but I wasn't tearing up.

"Oh my that sounds awful, I'm sorry you went through that"

"For the years I've blamed myself for my dad leaving and divorcing my mom because I felt like I could've been a better son and not have been so weak"

"I personally don't think you're weak. Any teenage boy who willingly goes to therapy because they feel like they need it isn't weak"

"I guess"

"Now I must ask, is that the only traumatic experience in your life that has affected you?"

I suddenly got very nervous but I'm determined to actually talk about it.

"Well no there is something else. I've never told anyone besides my mom about this before but I will today"

"Whenever you're ready"

"Ok so when I was nine the divorce was finalized and my dad left for good. My dad has a brother named John, so even though my parents were divorced my mom and my uncle were still close so he came over and was watching me while my mom was out of town for the weekend.

So I was watching tv in my room and my uncle came in and we started watching the football game. I noticed that his breath smell like beer so I knew he was drunk. Then suddenly he put his hand on my thigh and started rubbing it"

I started breathing heavy.

"He then turned my tv off and looked at me and said "do you want to do your uncle Johnny a favor" I said sure and he said "take your pants and your underwear off" I was confused because I've never had to do something like this before unless I was getting whooped by my mom or I was taking a shower but I just listened because he was my uncle.

"So after that, he pulled down his pants and asked me- I started sniffling again he asked if I "wanted to make him feel good" so I said yes and he made me suck him off"

I started tearing up.

"I hated it and then after that he pushed me down on my bed and pushed himself in me. I screamed and cried asking to stop and that it hurts but he didn't listen. After an hour and a half he finally stopped and just left me laying there.

I cried myself to sleep that night and when my mom came home I told her that he hurt me but she didn't understand. Luckily at the time she had a security camera in my room even though she never looked at it until then. She cried for hours and apologized repeatedly for leaving me with him"

At this point I'm sobbing reliving the moment. She gave me tissue.

"My mom got him arrested for child molestation and abuse so he got life in prison"

"Well that's good"

"That was the most traumatic experience in my entire life and it has affected me so much because I was so scared to get intimate with any of my ex's. It took a lot for me to even think about it without crying or getting mad.

"So you carry that experience with you everyday even if you don't know that. Every time someone comes in your life, you immediately assume the worse because you've been through the worse and you're completely justified but you need to take steps in trying to move past that"

"I know but how"

"Well as hard as it is, you're gonna have to forgive him for what he did"

"WHAT, how can I forgive him for what he did to me. He has changed my life forever and he doesn't care"

"I know but you need to understand that forgiveness is not for him, it's for you. Because the longer you hold on to the pain and past and hurt, the longer it keeps you from being free"

I sit there in silence for five minutes thinking about what she said and it makes sense. I didn't realize how much I've been affected by that.

"So if I forgive him, I'll be better?"

"Well all your problems won't magically disappear but it will help you feel better drastically"

"Jayden I'm going to tell you something and I want you to take this with you for the rest of your life"

"Ok"

"Forgiveness is giving up ALL hope that the past could have been any different, it's accepting the past for what it was, and using this moment and this time to help yourself move forward"

"Wow. I needed to hear that"

"Well I'm sad to say but it appears that our session is over but I will see you Wednesday"

"Ok thank you Dr Johnson"

I stand up and give her a hug. I walk out to see my mom sitting in the waiting room. "Hey, how did it go?" my mom asked. "Great, I needed that. I hate crying tho" I said with a slight chuckle.

"Well I'm glad you feel better. I can honestly say that you've been looking less stressed and less miserable since you've been going to the sessions" she said. "Well I've finally started confronting my past and my issues head on and genuinely working on myself" I said.

We drive home and I pull my mom to the dining room table. "I heard you thinking out loud a couple weeks ago that you think that I'm finally doing this because of the break up" I admitted. "Aww baby I was just confused because it felt like it came out of no wear.

"I know but in all honesty, I was thinking about it while we were together. I felt like I was happy when I was with Alex but I wasn't happy with myself" I said. "Have you talked to him since the break up?" she asked. "No, we've been avoiding each other. The crew is divided, but I think once I'm done with therapy and have fully worked on bettering myself I'll talk to him" I said.

"Ok, I forget how mature you can act" she said with a light chuckle. "Well I've been around adults my whole life so I've basically grown up with an old soul" I said laughing.

(Time Skip)

I lay in my bed with the led lights on blue and listening to a peaceful song. I think about everything I've been through with Alex and how he made me happy. I hope he's doing ok. I think when I'm better and I eventually see him again we'll be friends again.

I go to sleep with a new found closure with some of my past.