Chapter 64
Tonight, I am a mess.
I’ve read all the good books and found myself wetting every page that’s why I have to stop. I shut the doors of my house closed and pretended like a lone wolf for one day. Therapy was on repeat. I have cried over that song a million times but I haven’t really trained myself to be composed whenever I hear it. It’s just that, the lyrics are perfect. And it has the capability to stir up the most hidden emotions living inside a human. I am not sure if it’s just me and my weird mind.
What more? It’s already eleven in the evening and I haven’t eaten my dinner just yet. I’m too busy being engrossed with my overly pathetic feelings. I’m not sure if what I was doing was heroic or downright idiotic. I really don’t know where to stand. Maybe Cyrus was right when he told Clyde that I am someone who loves and hates everything at the same time. I want to keep him for myself but I was rather pushing him away. And I hate him. I hate him for not hating me. He could have said something harsher than what he uttered the last time. He could have been ruder, but he chose to be gentle instead. Minsan hinihiling ko na sana madali siyang bitawan. Sana madami akong rason para bigla na lang siyang iwanan. Sana kapag iniisip ko na pakawalan na siya nang tuluyan, hindi ako nasasaktan. Pero hindi. Wala akong sapat na dahilan para kamuhian siya. How can I ever hate the person who did nothing but treat me right? If only I’ll be put on the court, I would surely lose this case because my grounds are irrelevant.
It doesn’t make sense now, but I’m pretty sure that one day, we’ll wake up knowing the answers to the questions of the past. Someday, everything will fall on their perfect places.
Genuinely, I wish him all the best in life. I truly pray that he will be victorious in his chosen endeavour. That he may succeed. And that a downpour of blessings will come into his life because he deserves it.
I pray that he will have safe flight tomorrow. Aalis na siya bukas. Hindi na siya makakapag-martsa sa graduation day. It’s hard but I would like to dwell on the brighter side. But honestly, I can’t tell him these things. I don’t want to break down in front of him. Baka kapag nagkita kami ulit, bigla akong lumuhod sa harapan niya at makiusap na manatili na lang siya dito. At alam kong hindi ko pwedeng gawin ‘yun. I can’t ruin his life.
I have pondered probably, the most mind-altering thoughts I could ever come up with. Sinubukan ko na ring magbilang ng mga tupa, pero hindi pa rin ako makatulog. I’m a hopeless case.
Kanina ko pa rin pinagmamasdan ang aking cellphone. Twenty miscalls from my friends. They’ve been trying to reach out, but I was doing my best to keep a distance. For sure, they will just convince me to talk to him. Magtatanong lang sila kung ano ang nangyayari. Ano ang ipapaliwanag ko? Will they understand me? Will they respect my decision? Well, that was me being judgmental. Because they are my friends, so, of course, they will. Ako lang naman ang may issue dito.
Pinatay ko na lamang ang cellphone ko para hindi na ako matukso na mag-reply. Nagpunta ako sa kusina at nagdesisyon ako na magtimpla ng gatas. I want something so hot that it could burn my tongue. Something painful which can steal my attention.
Nagpainit ako ng kaunting tubig sa takuri, at nang kumulo na ito, linagay ko ang laman sa termos. Pagbukas ko sa lalagyan ng gatas, naalala ko na malamok pala sa veranda. Gusto ko kasing magpahangin doon. Kaya kumuha ako ng katol at sinindihan ko ito. May bote naman ng softdrinks sa labas kaya doon ko ito linagay.
