Ally wept at the sight of the sunrise.
It was the second one she'd seen in a row.
She hadn't had even a few moments sleep in two days.
All night long, an eight-foot man in a top hat and trench coat had hovered just above her bed. He had white slits for eyes and a mouth, and a nose made of paper. She wasn't afraid of him, because she knew she'd see him again the next time she closed her eyes.
Her calmness made her certain she was losing her mind. She should've felt something as she cried without tears, but her heart was a full of a bizarre contentment that was tainted by thoughts of her present delirium.
She hadn't seen or heard her mother stir. Maybe a heart attack had claimed her in her sleep.
There was no yearning for her own death because she'd already died, like everyone else. Except for the man in black. They'd soon be together again.
She stumbled to her computer chair and her bloodshot eyes burned when she stared at her Myspace feed.
On December 12th, 1949, Janet Ayers of Arkansas was brutally raped and murdered then dumped in a cornfield. Forward this to your best friend by sundown or they'll share her fate!!!
Ally's heart skipped a beat as she spun away from the screen in her chair.
At least you fell asleep, Janet... Fuck.
After a moment of hesitation, she swiveled back to the screen.
Fuck. Better save Ethan.
She forwarded the message to his inbox, then the world around her blurred. With a feeling of weightlessness, she drifted across the room and fell into bed.
No fucking way am I going to school today...
She found her sharpie on the nightstand and uncapped it, then turned her focus towards the wall above the headboard.
SLEEP NOW PLEASE
It was a prayer. To any god who would listen.
The act of writing made her feel dizzy, so she dropped the marker, fell face first into her pillows, and closed her eyes.
Then it sounded like her mother tried to break down her door with a truncheon as she bid her down for breakfast.
"Ally! Come eat! It's almost time to go!"
She woke up, but she hadn't been sleeping. Every single moment was easy to recall. Six became seven, and seven became eight in a catatonic state of mindfulness.
Her mother's voice was an ice pick in both ears, and her head throbbed so terribly that the word 'aneurysm' came to mind.
She tried to get out of bed but tripped and drove her right knee into the hardwood floor. Pain shot through her entire right side, and she let out a yelp.
The door flew open, and Jen rushed in. She quickly propped Ally up on her knee like a wounded soldier, and Ally wondered blearily if the overhead hallway light was the end of her tunnel.
When she fully realized it was her mother there, she pressed her face into her comfort and cried there until she nearly fell asleep the way she had long ago, many times over.
__
Half-passed out in the car, she heard her mother call the school.
"She needs a sick day. Yep, uh-huh, thanks for understanding."
Ally's mind awakened with regret. The secretary would tell the clerk, and the clerk would tell her teacher, and everyone would overhear, and they'd talk.
Her unwitting visit to Sunderland had flown under the radar but skipping school to go see a doctor wouldn't go unnoticed. Soon, everyone would point ant laugh at the crazy bitch who probably belonged in an asylum, and she'd be powerless to stop it.
She felt weak. Maybe she should've just stopped trying and trained herself to just deal. She'd heard a story once about Thich Quang Duc, a Buddhist monk who'd burned himself alive without even flinching. What was her problem? Two shitty night's sleep and she was crying to mommy. It was pathetic. Piteous.
Why'd she even care about sleep? When she was sleeping, she would dream, and the dreams would be worse than reality.
There was nowhere. No place in the world for her to exist. Not even in her own mind.
__
In the urgent care waiting room there were fake orchids and lavender blossoms on end tables littered with magazines. She'd been nearly asleep by the time her name was called and she told her mother to stay behind so she could embarass herself in private.
She hoped she wouldn't have Doctor Sebastian again.
Doctor Sebastian was kind of a prick.
__
Aaron Khaja looked like the lead singer of System of a Down and Ally internally laughed her ass off when he introduced himself as the doctor.
"You have an appointment," he said as she stopped her pacing about the room. She couldn't tell if it had been intended as a question or if he was just one of those dudes who liked to state what was going on.
"Uh, yeah, that's why I'm here."
"You sit there," he pointed nowhere in particular, but she sat on the exam table, figuring that was the only logical place she could.
Doctor Khaja went to his computer and typed something urgently into a word processor. Not all of his words seemed to even be in English.
Ally drummed on her knees. It felt like he was giving her some kind of test. Nobody was so oblivious on purpose.
If there was something truly important he'd had to finish, she didn't understand why he'd even walked in. She wasn't sure she was in a position to determine normality, but it definitely wasn't the clueless, almost disrespectful disinterest he was showing her.
She cleared her throat, but he continued to ignore her. Memories of being small flooded her mind, when she'd do almost anything to make her parents notice her.
After clicking twice with fervor on his mouse, something printed, and after a quick glance at the paper, he handed it to Ally without even looking at her.
"Your pharmacy can get this for you."
Ally saw it was a prescription for something called 'Ambien.' Before she could even ask him what it was, he was gone, and the door closed behind him.
__
She stayed in the car listening to a song called 'Low' on the radio. Trying in vain to remember the artist behind it before changing the station to country.
"Your cheatin' heart..."
Shuddering, she smacked the dial and the music stopped.
Dad loved Hank Williams. He had every one of his records in the closet.
Like smelling coffee at 4:30 in the morning, she always felt safe whenever she heard the familiar twang of Hank Williams or Emmylou Harris. She recalled rides home from school, hearing a man with a voice like midnight sing about rings of fire and outlaws.
Now the acoustic sounds made her stomach churn, and she turned her head to breathe in the cool evening air trickling through the opened window, swallowing vomit that burned her throat.
Her eyes glistened, and she closed them, but as soon as she did, the driver's side door opened, and so did her eyes again.
"It'll help you sleep," her mother said, handing her a brown bag that Ally handled like contraband.
The white box inside had ten generic tablets that would need to be pushed out of a foil sleeve. Not all at once, even though the thought crossed her mind. Her mother would probably handle them to make sure that didn't happen.
Only ten?
The car reversed, and she put her seatbelt back on.
"He didn't even talk to me," she heard herself say, but didn't even remember forming the shapes of the words.
"What?"
"The doctor... He didn't even talk to me about anything. He just printed the prescription then left."
Jen furrowed her brow at first, but then she cocked her head and laughed. "Really?" Her tone shifted to stone after a sniffle. "Well, I am going to call that place and give them a piece of my mind!"
Ally's eyes closed like she felt judgmental eyes on her and heard laughter from a future already foretold she hadn't yet come to terms with. "Please, don't. I just need to sleep."
Jen's gaze turned contemplative as she focused on the road.
"When we get home, even though I'm a little concerned - I'll let you take one."
A small smile formed at the corner of her mouth. Then she closed her eyes and practiced.
__
Ally stewed in her room while her mother researched side effects online for an hour or two.
I wanna be in a coma. That'd be great.
She tried to cry, but only a pathetic, dry whimper came out. It was impossible to sit still, and impossible to keep moving, but there was a current pulsing through her, bidding her to move despite her wobbling knees.
When the door finally opened, she wanted to hide, but everything blurred again, so she cowered.
"Alright," she heard her mother say.
"I don't wanna do it anymore."
"Baby, you don't have to worry. I'll be home all day."
"Not that... I mean... Life."
Jen exhaled. "Okay, honey, you're gonna take a breath, and..."
"I wanna be in a coma!"
Her mother struggled to find the right words.
"They do that right?" Ally continued. "Medically induced comas? I need that. Right now."
"Ally..."
Ally tore at her hair and slammed her palm into her face. "Don't you fucking get it?! I'm crazy! I need a padded cell and a straitjacket! Why don't you fucking get it?!"
"Sweetie. You're gonna take this, and you're gonna sleep."
"I can't stay down that fucking long! I need--"
"You're crazy and you're telling me what you need?!"
Jen's eyes found the writing on the wall, and she pursed her lips.
Ally finally produced tears and shrieked into her pillow. "I want to die!!!"
Jen shuddered and tears welled in her eyes. She tried to channel Ryan through her grief. None of this would be happening with him around.
Ryan...
In her mind, Ally was in his arms, in silence, her cries gradually dying down into only sniffles. She smelled sandalwood and turned her head, swearing she saw strands of his long brown hair wispily trailing behind a ghostly form that slipped beyond the door, returning to nothingness without a single sound.
Jen finally sat beside her daughter and put a hand on her shoulder, and the gentle touch was enough to bring a softer breath and less tears. Ally raised her head, feeling less alone and afraid, and they nodded at each other before Jen rose to prepare the first dose of medicine.
Ally felt a heart palpitation and her legs pulsated, making her want to run, but she stayed where she was, crisscross applesauce in bed, and took a deep breath.
The one deep breath calmed her long enough to take the pill, then she lied back and breathed again and let the GABA take hold.