I stood at the border for hours, straining against my soul to pull the clouds open slightly, but my fear was preventing it from working. I was so terrified of what I would see on the other side. Would Lucifer be standing there, waiting for me? Would all of New York City be destroyed?
Still, the longer we waited, the more time Hell had to lay siege to the rest of the world. For all we knew, thousands upon thousands of mortal lives were being lost. Still, I'd had no other choice. In order to give us a fighting chance, I'd had to throw up the wall. We had to regroup and heal our wounded if we were going to save anyone.
I grumbled in frustration, throwing my hands up in the air and pacing back and forth. This was impossible. I was created for this very moment and now I couldn't seem to control my own soul.
"You have to relax. Worrying isn't going to change what you see on the other side," I heard Grey huff from behind me. He was laying on the hillside looking up at the sky. His muscled arms were flexed behind his neck, holding up his head. For someone about to face off with the OG death, he didn't seem very concerned. Still, I could feel the little seeds of doubt swirling within him, even if he didn't show it. I could feel his concern.
"We basically held a giant middle finger up to the rest of the world and hid in a corner, Grey," I hissed, focusing once again on the clouded wall. It danced in front of me, taunting.
"You know we had to. You're just frustrated that this wasn't as easy as you thought it would be," Grey chuckled dryly, heaving out a sigh. "You stressing about what's on the other side is making it hard. You know that."
This whole bond thing was- it irritated me that he could feel everything I was feeling. Despite whatever I tried to put off, he immediately could see beneath it. It's like he had shattered every wall I had built in a matter of minutes. I felt exposed, even if it was to my soulmate.
"Shouldn't you be more worried about how you're going to kill Miss Death Almighty?" I snapped. Grey's cerulean eyes flicked to mine, narrowing a little.
"You know I can tell you're just trying to irritate me enough to get me to leave you alone, right?" A slow smirk grew across his lips, clearly unfazed by my attitude.
I huffed angrily and walked over to him, sitting beside him on the cool grass. It crunched beneath me as I sat, apparently frozen with permafrost. It felt nice. The heat of my fury seemed enough to keep me warm.
"Are you more concerned about what you'll see on the other side or what will happen when you find Lucifer?" Grey questioned gently, rolling over to his side and looking up at me.
"Both. Probably more the latter. I feel like a coward," I grumbled through gritted teeth.
"Being afraid doesn't make you a coward, Greene. You're very right to be afraid. It's what you do about it that determines whether or not you're a coward," Grey replied coolly.
"I'm procrastinating because I feel like we're heading straight into a massacre," I confessed, turning to meet his gaze. He sucked in a breath, pressing his lips together in thought as he sat up. Gingerly, he reached up and ran a thumb across my cheek, resting his palm on the angle of my jaw.
"We are heading into a massacre. Your fear is not going to change that," he murmured softly, eyes full of sorrow.
"I don't want to lose you. I don't want to lose the future we might've had," I breathed out. Somehow, Grey managed to offer me a small smile.
"You will never lose me. Even if we both die, I'll forever be yours," he replied softly, slowly leaning in and pressing his lips gently against mine. "If we get a future, I will be the happiest man alive for the rest of time. If we don't, know that you've made me the happiest man alive since meeting you. Know that I will have died a very happy man, and that there's nothing you could ever do to make me any happier than I am."
I felt tears prick my eyes as I stared into the otherworldly eyes of the man I'd grown to cherish more deeply than I thought possible. I had never wanted or needed love, but I could no longer imagine a life without him. As I looked at him, I saw myself. I saw how much he loved me, how he would gladly die for me, gladly give anything for me. No one had ever looked at me with the amount of love he held in those dazzling eyes. No one else ever would. He was everything. Absolutely everything.
I opened my mouth to speak, but no words came out. I was holding my breath to stop myself from crying.
"I know, Greene. I know," he whispered, his voice breaking a little as he ran his thumb across my cheek. "I know you're afraid. I'm terrified as well. But you will never lose me, just as I will never lose you. Until the universe itself ceases to exist, I will love you."
Burning tears seared their way down my cheeks as I leaned forward and kissed him once more, feeling my resolve slowly slip from my grasp. When my eyes flicked open again, the portion of the wall in front of us was clear as glass. Grey sat upright, a stern expression etched into his beautiful features.
Outside the wall was a pile of bodies, mangled and bloody. Some were Angels, some were mortals. It was so grotesque, I felt bile rise up my throat. I had never seen such gore. So many of them had their mouths agape in silent screams that would never be heard, their glazed eyes wide and staring into emptiness. There was so much blood, so many organs sprawled across other bodies-
"Close it," I heard Grey's voice echo inside my head and I immediately felt my resolve snap back into place. Tears streamed freely down my cheeks now, but I felt numb with shock and horror.
"Come here," Grey whispered, his eyes still glued to the wall that was now covered again with clouds. Without a second thought, I rushed into his embrace, savoring his warmth and safety. "It'll be okay. I won't let anyone touch you."
"All of those lives and souls, Grey-," I stammered, choking on my tears.
"We will save them. They didn't die in vain. Hell will pay for what is has done," he murmured into my hair, his hot breath fanning my skin. The resolution in his voice almost convinced me that he truly believed we could win this. If it weren't for the sick feeling churning in his chest, I would've believed him.
Despite knowing what we were heading into, and that Grey and I would likely never see the other alive again, I heard myself speak.
"We have to tell the others I've opened the clouds. No more lives need to be lost," I whispered. Grey looked down at me, silvery blue eyes flickering with a distant blue flame. I could feel his hesitation, how badly he wanted to protect me and shield me from the evil in the world. I could feel how badly he wanted to hide me somewhere and never let me go again. We'd both sacrificed enough, he thought venomously.
He was right. It didn't change what had to be done.
So, with a solemn nod, he took my hand firmly in his and lead me back towards the camp. The whole way back, I could feel his heart swirling with fury and resolution. He knew he had no choice. He knew that this was as much my fight as it was his, and that I had a vital role to play. I could feel how badly he wanted to save me, but he knew that wasn't who I was. I wasn't the damsel in distress here, no- I was the one who slayed the dragon.
"I love you," I croaked out, looking up at him. He met my gaze, the intensity of that mere glance threatening to send me to my knees.
"I love you too," he murmured back. I could hear thoughts swirling in his head, of ways to take down Thanatiel and join up with the group tasked with taking down Lucifer. He didn't want me to do it alone. He didn't want me to die alone.
If Lucifer's vision had been right, I wouldn't. We would die in each other's arms, broken and battered but still holding each other. If I was going to go, at least it'd be with him there.
"Well?" Siena's sharp voice interrupted my focus on Grey's thoughts. I turned forward to look at her, covered in dirt and dried blood. I gave her a quick nod and she immediately turned around.
"Alright, who's on scout duty first?" She called out across the ranks of groaning soldiers. A few of them raised their hands and either limped or hurried towards us. I turned briefly, glancing at Grey, whose eyes were downcast.
"I need some rest. When you're done with the wall, I'll be in my tent," I heard his voice echo softly in my head, caressing the darkest corners of my mind like fingertips trailing down my spine. I gave a quick nod and turned back to Siena, fighting the slight shiver he'd given me.
"How did it look when you opened it?" She asked tightly, folding her arms across her chest.
I shook my head, averting my gaze. She must've known what that meant, because she didn't push any further.
"Alright. Go where she tells you, when you're done, I need more people on rehab and gauze duty," she alliterated. The Angels gave a quick nod, then turned to me.
"Come," I beckoned with a raw voice, spreading my wings out behind me and shooting up into the sky. My wings were sore and burned with each flap, but I couldn't care less. This pain would be nothing in comparison to losing Grey.
When I reached the top of the shield, I turned back to face the Angels that hovered behind me. They too seemed nervous. Good, they should be.
"Each of you fly to different parts of the top of the wall. When you reach the point you'd like to stay, stop and hover for a minute. When everyone stops moving, I'll pull the clouds for a moment. It'll be quick, so you have to pay attention. If anyone sees you from outside the wall, you tell me immediately so I can shut the barrier again," I explained tightly. Nobody questioned me and immediately dispersed, heading to different parts of the top of the shield. After a few minutes, they all stopped moving.
I remembered what Grey had said. Even if we die, he will love me until the end of the universe. Just as I would love him. That would be enough.
And I pulled back the clouds.