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Nikki's POV, February 1988
Tommy and I had been married about a month and it had been a fucking amazing- we got back from our honeymoon last week and it was a great couple of weeks to get away from everything and focus on eachother and River.
I'm not going into detail in erm- that department. But, we certainly made the most of being newlyweds.
Tommy and I went out to dinner almost every night taking River with us of course because we weren't gonna leave her alone, were we?
Tommy and I took River to the beach on second to last day of our honeymoon and Tommy and I had ice cream although most of it ended up on eachother rather than in our mouths- we watched as River messed around with the sand with Tommy building sandcastles with her which made her smile and my heart warm watching them together and both of us taking her into the sea splashing one another we didn't go overboard with the splashing like we both wanted too but hey, there's always L.A for that.
River was doing a lot of yelling recently, she didn't yell words, it was just gibberish but it was another sign she was going to start talking soon and she was standing up for longer- maybe she'll walk and talk on the same day, could you imagine that? It would be a story to tell for sure.
In other news, I had began therapy sessions, they were twice a week, Tommy joined me for one and I went alone for the other- they discussed my mental health and my childhood, my addiction and everything else in between advising me and helping me deal with my emotions.
I've also got back in contact with Camilla, I spoke to her during my addiction but I wasn't all there, she noticed this and tried to talk to me but I wouldn't have it- I always ended out yelling at her and slamming the phone down. Tommy told he did ring her a few times when he left me for advice on looking after River alone- she knew everything that happened, I told her all the things I'd done and when I saw her the other week for the first time in months I broke down in her arms apologising to her for pushing her away when she only wanted to help.
Camilla forgave me as easily as Tommy did, I didn't deserve the forgiveness I've received but I suppose Tommy's right, although I almost hurt River- I didn't... and the person who spoke to Camilla wasn't me it was my addiction ridden alter ego I've since dubbed Sikki Nixx.
Life was just more normal now, mostly back to how it was before any of this- it was welcomed, just the domestic atmosphere. Tommy's treating me as he did before, he's acting like non of the last year ever happened, I'm thankful for it but also kinda hate that what I did has been left in the past- how can he get over what I did? How I treated him? How I lied to him?
How can he get over what happened when I can't get over it matter how hard I try?
Guess that's what my therapy's for.
My depression is still around, it hadn't just vanished but it was so much fucking better than it was, the only reason I gave into drugs was because I was overwhelmed and afraid- the drugs amplified the depression so now I'm off the drugs and the fear has gone it was easier to climb out of the hole I was in. It will take time and it's going to take years for me to properly get over everything but it's a start.
Right now, I was in the kitchen washing up from this morning having the radio play in the background while Tommy was in the living room watching some shitty crime programme on TV.
A song then caught my attention in the radio, 'Dream On' by Aerosmith- I smiled and turned up the song because this song is fucking amazing, I hummed along and even then began singing getting kinda caught up in the song. I was only brought back from my song daze by the laughing going on behind me- I don't even bother turning around already knowing it's Tommy.
"Say a word and I'll kill you" I warned focusing back on the dishes which needed cleaning.
"I wasn't going to" Tommy chuckles sitting himself on the kitchen counter "It's a good song, shame you had to sing over it though, I thought a cat was dying"
I scoffed and splashed some of the soapy water into his face "Fuck you, man"
The drummer grinned and leant over kissing my cheek "Nah, taking the piss, you have a beautiful voice"
"So do you" I smirked picking up a plate and placing it on the drying rack, I went to pick up another plate when Tommy grabbed my hand- I looked at him and raised an eyebrow "What?"
"Stop that for a moment and come here- the dishes can wait"
My free hand reached for a towel and I dried off my hands before stepping between Tommy's legs, he snaked his legs around me holding me in place, he then shuffled backwards so his back was against the wall and looked at me expectantly, I sighed and sat myself on his right thigh resting my feet on the exposed counter between Tommy's legs where I was stood seconds ago.
"I really missed doing shit like this with you, the cuddling in random places" Tommy said softly, as I leant into him.
"I missed doing everything with you, I don't know why I ever decided to choose drugs over this... I was such an idiot. You deserved better than me, you still deserve better than me, T-Bone- but I'm glad your still here"
"You know as much as the next person that you deserve to be loved everyone deserves to me loved, I don't deserve you. But, here we are... there is nothing that can stop the way I feel for you, Nik. Yeah, you were an idiot but it's over now, we don't need to think about it anymore... everything's back to normal" Tommy's lips brushed against my ear as he spoke, his shallow breathes hitting my neck giving me a sense of complete peace, a feeling I only get with Tommy.
"Where's River?" I asked- I didn't have to reply to what he said, I always listened and he knew I did.
"Asleep on the couch, she kinda drifted off within like 5 minutes, obviously she doesn't like my taste in entertainment"
"I certainly hope not" I giggled, my mind instantly going to less than PG places- come on, it's me what do you expect? It took him a second but Tommy then realised how I had interpreted his words and a smile broke out on his face.
"Oh, shut up... your nasty"
I shrugged "I can't help it"
"Sure you can't" Tommy groans picking me up and standing himself on the floor not putting me down.
"Tom?" I asked mildly confused at the action.
"Let's go in here" he said taking us into the living room.
"Is there something interesting in here?"
The drummer hummed and placed me down on the sofa before sitting right next to me, throwing and arm around me, River was next to me asleep just like Tommy said... y'know cause I was on drugs so fast after I had River I don't think I ever truly accepted the fact that she'd happened if that makes sense... looking at her now just makes everything seems surreal- Tommy got over this stage months ago but I'm still in the 'oh my god, I actually have a baby' stage, it wasn't a bad thing I just needed to catch up with it a bit.
I focused on the TV and the show Tommy was watching and yeah... it was quite dull in all honesty "What is this shit? I can see why River fell asleep man, hell, I might even drift off in a minute"
"Hey! It's good okay? Leave my TV taste outta this" Tommy smiles, I smile too and lay my head onto his chest.
We stayed still and quite for the remainder of the show and I did almost fall asleep a couple of times but don't mention it to Tommy, River was still asleep but she had at some point moved and placed her head on the top of my leg.
My bond with my daughter had certainly improved dramatically over the last few months, as absurd as this may sound I think she knew when I was on drugs and I think she knows that I got clean- how I wasn't sure, maybe it was because I was noticeably different in personality and just overall aura- I was a douche last year and I swear I'll never let her down like that again.
When Tommy and I have taken her out we always get compliments from fans about how beautiful River is and stuff like that- it gave me an immense sense of pride, I've mentioned this before but it is true- the positive comments always make the negativity worth it, the assholes in the street shouting all kinds of abuse toward me and my kid doesn't bother me- not my fault they're closed minded pieces of shit.
Right now I love life again which all that matters, I have all the things I need to keep my sane, I knew I had to face some hurdles in the near future like how to deal with my mom and her constant bitching and calling- she's even managed to find out Doc and Doug's numbers and she's even been harassing them to talk to me.
I don't wanna talk to her. I can't talk to her. Trust me, I do want to make things right with Deana and I've tried in the past but she always wants something from me or uses the same manipulative techniques to twist my mind into making me do what she wants and after just getting my life back I'm not risking it by talking to her- my therapist said it would be good and I genuinely laughed the first time she said it because she had no idea what my mom was like.
Just seeing my mom brings back all the shit she did to me and let all the things she let happen to me and right now I can't guarantee that if I see her it won't trigger a relapse, chances are it will. It happened before a couple of years ago with cocaine and alcohol, I was only pulled out of that relapse because Doc forced me to see someone about it, causing me to go straight back to rehab.
But, I'm not going to think about it- I'll jump that when I get to it- all I need to focus on right now is Tommy and River because they're the only reasons I'm still alive, as long as I have them I should be okay, as long as I have them I have a reason to fight off that demon in the back of my head still whispering temptation towards heroin into my ear- it wasn't going to win, it had won once and nope, never again.
Never. It almost took everything from me... my own fucking life. This is a fresh start and I'm lucky enough to have been given a second chance... I'm not gonna ruin this for myself, my husband or my daughter.
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