𝗘𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗹 𝗕𝗲 𝗔𝗹𝗿𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁 🤍

•𝗦𝗲𝘀𝘀𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗦𝘂𝗽𝗽𝗼𝗿𝘁•

•☘️•

Nikki's POV

Therapy time again, great....

I didn't mind going it's just I'd rather stay at home with Tommy but I knew I needed to go if I was going to fully recover mentally. Talking of Tommy, he was joining me for this session which I was happy about- I'm always nervous about going to these sessions because I'm always asked about my past and as you know it's not a happy place.

I hate reliving my shit childhood and my many fuck ups since then but having Tommy there made it easier to tolerate and made me feel more at ease, T-Bone was good at that.

We left the house at the usual time of 9 am, and got into the car Tommy taking the drivers seat. Before anyone asks, yes, River comes along with us, where else would she be?

I appreciate Tommy coming with me, god knows what my therapist thinks bringing my husband and my daughter with me once a week but eh, fuck that- it helps me and that's what matters right?

When we got to our destination we got out the car and headed inside where we were instantly sat down in the usual room with my therapist, Rebecca was her name- I don't think I've mentioned that, so there you go. Rebecca sat down opposite me and smiled at us "Nikki, how have we been?"

"Alright, yeah, you?"

She nodded "I'm fine and Tommy you okay?"

"I'm great" he smiles reaching over and taking my hand in his, the woman smiles as I leant back into the side of the drummer.

"Good, good... now, Nikki, how have you coped over the last few days, how have you felt?"

"I've been coping... don't really know what else to say. It's just difficult, y'know? I don't know what to do because everyone's forgiven me for what I did but I can't forgive myself and it's driving me insane- I screwed up so badly I don't know how people can still trust me" it was weird spilling my thoughts to someone who isn't Tommy but sometimes this had to be done.

She nodded "It will always be hard to let go of the past but we've spoken about this before haven't we? The person you are and the person you were are two completely different people, you've got to remember you weren't in the right frame of mind, you were sick"

I nodded "I know, but it was still me and nomatter how sick I was it still isn't an excuse for how I treated everyone especially my daughter and Tommy" Tom's hand squeezed my own gently as a sense of comfort, I returned it as a 'thank you'.

"People deal with everything differently this was just your way or dealing with being overwhelmed, whether it's right or wrong it's how you dealt with it- but the most important thing is that you got yourself back, you saved your own life"

I know this, everytime I came here we ended up covering most of the same topics and having the same answers but that was because it's what I needed, I needed this to be repeated over and over because it is the only way I listen to people. My head won't let me move on from what I've done and hearing this repeat it slowly does help in lessening the guilt making letting myself move on seem all the more possible.

"Yeah, I saved my life but I wouldn't have if it wasn't for Tommy, if we wouldn't have resolved our shit that night I would have been dead within 2 days- that's something I'm certain of cause my body couldn't do it anymore. I could have died and I can't forgive myself for that either, for letting myself get pulled under to the brink of death by a drug. I hate myself for willingly throwing my life and family away" Tears had filled my eyes but I had managed to keep a rather consistent tone only slightly giving away the resentment I felt.