There is a gradual time jump within the chapter, just so you don't get confused. I think I made it clear but just forewarning you.
-
I squinted at the video on my phone as I tried to follow the directions closely. Not too much parsley.. okay.. what the hell is even parsley?
I mean, I knew what it was but what did it do? What did it even taste like?
Shaking my head, I added it anyways before pushing the other ingredients into the skillet. "If you wake me up one more time with that goddamn cooking show." I looked over my shoulder with a smile as Jay walked in while scratching his stomach.
"Good morning." I said and folded the omelette before sliding it onto a plate. "You want OJ or punch?" He sat at the island and raised his eyebrows, pointing at the orange juice.
"You still trying to become Gordon Ramsay huh?" He said when I gave him his food before moving to clean up my mess.
"No.. just thought I'd try something different." He hummed suspiciously while taking a bite. "You got anything going on today?"
"Gotta head to the studio later but nah, not for a while." I clapped and rubbed my hands together with a nod. "We're not working out again."
I smacked my lips while sliding the dishes into the dishwasher. "Come on. Tell me it doesn't feel great. Waking up in the morning, eating a good and healthy breakfast. Then working out and getting your blood pumping."
He sighed and sat his fork down on the plate. "Okay sis, sit down." I furrowed my eyebrows at his serious tone. "Come on, sit down. The counters can wait." I sat the dish towel on the counter and pulled a chair up to the table.
"What's up?" I questioned and he tapped his hand on the table while staring down at it with squinted eyes.
"I'm trying to put this is a nice way." My eyebrows shot up at his next words. "You're being weird again." My head tilted when he waved his hand with a huff. "Okay let me try again. You've been here about a week and a half.." I nodded slowly. "Every morning you make something new for breakfast at the crack of dawn, drag me to work out, then shadow me like a puppy for the day. You don't want to be alone." He stated and shrugged.
My head shook. "What? I don't.." I stared into space as his words hit me. "I don't shadow you, man. And I'm okay being alone." He hummed slowly as I slid off of the chair and grabbed the dish towel again. "I'm trying to make up for missed time with you and I'm just bettering myself."
"For Robyn?" He questioned and I looked over my shoulder silently before focusing back on cleaning the already clean counters. "Look sis I don't mind you being here, you know that, but I think this whole thing is just a distraction from how you're really feeling. You haven't once talked to me about what happened since the night you got here. I'm not here to judge, I'll listen to you."
I nodded, knowing in a way he was right but I didn't see it as a distraction. I had to keep myself busy.. I just had to. "I cheated on her, she wants space and hasn't answered any of my texts. What else is there to talk about?" I scrubbed in circles before huffing when his hand grabbed the rag. "Jayden, I'm fine."
"No you're not, and that's okay." He pushed me back from the counter, making me give him my full attention. "You're hurting. Just because you cheated doesn't mean you're not allowed to hurt."
"I shouldn't be allowed to, I hurt her. So.." I shook my head and looked down. "I can't sulk. I'm not hiding my feelings or burrowing them like I use to, I'm just making use of my time, okay? There's a reason I reverted so easily. It's because I was still the old me but with the capability to feel and love back. I need to change completely and that starts from within." He dropped his hand from my shoulder with a huff when I rounded him and started to the guest room. "I'm going to workout. I'll be ready in ten if you're coming."
Once I was in the room, the door closed, I leaned back against the door and looked up with a heavy exhale. "Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry." I whispered to myself as I clenched my fists. I felt the sting of my tears but I simply closed my eyes and slowed my breathing.
I couldn't cry. I just couldn't. Not only did I not deserve to, I already did too much of it. Crying and sulking and laziness should be reserved for the woman's heart I decided to rip out. Not me.
No I wasn't pushing my feelings down, I just didn't want to cry. I allowed myself to hurt and express it through tears but right now I needed to express it in a different way. There was a time for crying to me, and now wasn't it.
When I reopened my eyes and no longer felt the sting, I pushed off of the door and shook my hands before changing into my workout clothes. My job was focusing on bettering myself and becoming the best version of me so that when.. if she gave me another chance, I could walk into the house as a better person then when I walked out.
For me, for her, for my kids, everyone.
I slipped back into my old ways way too easily and I didn't want that to happen ever again. I needed discipline.
Once I walked back out, I carried my duffle bag to the car and tossed it in. "I don't care what you say.." I looked up, smiling when I saw Jay come out with his own backpack and workout attire. "I'm not doing that CrossFit shit you did the other day. I couldn't walk for two days."
I chuckled softly and nodded while closing the trunk. "No CrossFit today." I said and clapped his back before climbing into my car. "Today.. we're outside."
His eyes widened. "Oh hell-"
"Yes." I cut off and started the car. "Word of the day is yes. No does not exist."
He eyed me as I started down the road. "See? I was just hanging out with Big Sean and he was talking the same shit as you.. y'all would get along."
I smirked and looked over at him. "Who do you think my workout partner is when you aren't there, Jayden?" Realization dawned over his face and I chuckled before focusing back on the road. "I met him last week on a trail. He's a dope ass guy."
"That's where you getting all this shit from. Swear I can't stand y'all." He said with a huff. "He's working on his new album and I'm in the studio working with him. Nigga stay talking about energy and balancing shit."
"Well, I might not go that far into it but he has been helping me, believe it or not." His eyebrows raised, silently asking me if I told him. "I didn't tell him but we talked about relationships and I did say I was having some problems."
"Let me guess," he cleared his throat and I laughed when he starts stroking his imaginary beard, something Sean does. "Problems are just sentences without a period man. There are no problems if you have a solution, the sentence doesn't end without a period. So find the solution.' Am I close?" I couldn't stop laughing at how perfect he just nailed him. "Nigga really about that shit."
"I know but he got a point.." his eyes rolled when I shrugged. "Sentences don't end without a period, and who treats life as chapters?" I winked and looked back at the road. "This chapter I'm in is beating the shit outta me and I believe in coincidences but I think I was suppose to meet him."
"Ah jeez." He mumbled and I chuckled at his groan. "It's already starting. I just pray you don't meet Jhené if Sean already got you acting like this."
I shrugged. "I don't think it's a bad thing. I kinda feel fresher, and clean. But like, clean on the inside." He hummed half heartedly. "I just have to forgive myself. I can't expect Robyn to forgive me if I don't forgive me. That's easier said than done but I've done it before so I know I can do it again.. I just need time." I drummed my fingers on the steering wheel when he stared at me silently. "Time is everything."
"So is truth." He said softly and I kept my head forward while nodding. So is truth..
-
@bigsean: one of those days everything falls into line perfectly. that balance astronomical 🌹 🚀
@bigsean: oh yea, took this right after we meditated too. She walked around the trees n shit before coming back 😂 everybody congratulate @Y/n on her first meditation session
@Str8traw: what a wholesome-🥺 Idk, imaging her being all nature living is some adorable shit to me. Baby daddy to.. baby y/n?
@navies: Y/n has the weirdest friend group I've ever seen. First dancing with the Jabbawockeez, then club hopping with Quavo, now she spiritualizing with Big Sean? Lmao is something wrong?
@robynstoes: 👀 I kinda think there's some truth to what you said no lie.. not saying there has to be something wrong for Y/n to get all spiritual and grounded and shit but it's a lotta shit piled with it.
@navies: step forward on them long ass toes, my child, we're listening @robynstoes
@robynstoes: I mean, neither our fav or Y/n have been very active since the shade room had to be they shady asses. Y/n is suddenly off of the saweetie tour and she ALWAYS gives an explanation if she leaves a tour. (Anti tour injury, Little Mix tour Dahlia came into her life) for this one? Silence.
@robynstoes: This may be hella far fetched but we know her brother tends to go on live a lot and for the past week, Y/n been there 👀 I ain't saying it but I'm saying it
@navies: oop- you think Y/n 'rooming' with him??
@robynstoes: Possibly. That paired with everything going on, it's like that lowkey mental break down shit before you build back up. But idk idk I'm not a psychologist or some shit
@fentytings: Nah you may be onto something. Go look at Rihs new post..
@badgalriri: eyes wide shut. guarding my presence. cover my ears to be numb to these senses.✨
@navygang: What? What? Are these song lyrics- ma'am I didn't graduate. Please.
@navies: no wedding ring...
@navygang: No wedding ring??
@navies: no wedding ring.
"No wedding ring." I breathed out and studied the picture for a long minute. I knew she took it off.. I didn't expect her to post without it. That was so public. Did she do it on purpose? Was she trying to tell me something?
Was she done?
"Aye," I looked up from my phone and nodded at Sean who was watching me with a curious look. "You good?"
I glanced around him from our spot on the trail before shaking my head. "Nope." He sat back next to me and silently rocked back and forth.
"Well that's some progress. Remember when I first asked if you were good and you said yeah? Even though your ass was crying." I chuckled as he bumped my shoulder. "We don't all gotta be okay all the time. It's good you're recognizing that."
"How'd you get her back?" I asked, one thing I desperately wanted to know. Everyone knew Sean cheated on Jhené, the spiritual queen. And well, Jhené and Robyn were both Pisces..
He hummed and looked away while leaning back on his hands. "To be honest? To this day I still don't know why she took my ass back but I mean.." He shook his head with a sigh. "I just had to reflect on myself, you know? You can look in the mirror and still not look at yourself." My eyebrows furrowed.. what? He saw my confused expression and smiled. "You gotta face yourself everyday, Y/nn. But can you face to face yourself?"
I hummed and looked away from him, his words slowly making sense. "So you're saying I gotta face what I did by.."
"Talk to yourself as if you were a friend. What would you tell the friend in your position?" I would tell them that they're a stupid fuck for cheating on Rihanna.. but I could also understand the position of hurt that they came from. "You gotta love yourself through your mistakes man. If you push you away, you're never gonna give your full self to anybody."
"You on some smart shit, Sean. I shoulda been came to you." He laughed softly and patted my back. "You still ain't tell me how you get Jhené back though."
"Well.." His phone suddenly rang and he looked down with a smirk. "Why don't you ask her?" My eyebrows raised when he held it up, a FaceTime call displayed. "What's up, baby?"
"Just checking in on you, how's the hike?" He turned the phone slightly and I smiled when she did. Her smile was just contagious man. "Oh Y/n, hi! How are you?"
"Good. Getting a little preaching from your boyfriend here." I said and she awed like a proud mother would.
"She wanna know how I got you back." Sean spoke up and she hummed with a slow nod. "Let her know it's the D, go ahead."
"Boy shut up." She said, laughing softly. "Honestly, it was the effort. You didn't just keep saying sorry and I love you, you showed me that you were sorry and gave love through your actions. That's the simple thing that changed the whole course. Words can only do so much, you know?"
I nodded softly. "Right." I looked over at the sky again, the colors seeming the brighten up though the sun was going down. The sun was- "Shit!" I quickly jumped up and looked down at my watch to see it was nearing six. "I gotta pick up my kids."
"Hear this nigga? Kids. Three whole kids man.. that shits crazy." I gave Sean a smirk as I pulled on my jacket.
"You next, dawg." His eyebrows shot up and Jhené laughed sarcastically. "I'll catch you later though. We still down for brunch Sunday?"
He nodded. "Fasho. Keep your head up, bro. Everything gon' work out."
"Thanks Sean. Bye, Jhené." I waved at the phone and she waved back. "Jay." I knelt down and shook my brother who was sleeping on the blanket, curled up like a baby. "Jayden."
He jolted before raising his head with a nod. "What's up?" He then looked around and gaped at his surrounding. "How the fuck I fall asleep on mountain?"
"That hike can kick anyone's ass. I'm ready though, I gotta pick up the twins." He nodded and raised up while grabbing his backpack. "Oh yeah," He looked at me when I smirked. "I lied, there is no tram back down. You're just stupid."
He gawked at me when I started back down the trail. The same way we came up. "You know what? I'm kicking you outta my house."
"Then you and Robyn will share something." I said jokingly.. though deep down I just hurt my dumbass self. "Ouch." I mumbled and tapped my chest with a huff.
"Are you about to cry?" He whispered and looked over at me.
I hummed and looked up before glancing at him. "No. At least not yet." He cocked an eyebrow so I pushed him shoulder with a grin. "Got any new music you're working on?"
"Uh yeah, me and Gabby are working on something." I nodded, seeing a smile spread across his lips. "It's gonna be lit."
"Send it to me when you're done, I wanna hear it." He nodded with a giddy smile and I looked back ahead, my eyes subconsciously dropping down to my watch every now and then.
It's been a week since I've seen them. And the only invitation I got..
I'm not keeping you from your kids. Be here by 7.
So that's where I was heading.
-
What reaction do you expect when you go see your wife (whom you haven't seen in a week and some) after she finds out you cheated?
"I'll bring them to you." My head shot back when she slammed the door before I even had a chance to say a thing. I guess.. that reaction, right?
I leaned against the pillar, twisting the wedding band on my finger as I waited for her to bring the twins.
Then the door swung open again. My eyed shot wide. "Wait Wait Wait!" I shouted and I must've became a wide receiver again from how fast I backpedaled.
"That first one was a warning." She said and pointed the damn bat at me. I quickly rounded my car but she was on my ass. "You cheat and think I was gonna do nothing?"
Robyn wouldn't hit me but shit.. she would. "Mel, hold on now." I said, my hands resting on the hood of the car, her standing on the opposite side. She made a move to round the car and I shouted the first thing I could think of. "The Twins!" She stopped, her eyes turning to slits. "You really want them to walk out on you beating their mother? Come on.."
Her jaw clenched, her head nodding slowly. "You got lucky today." She spat out but we both turned to look at the door when it opened again. Robyn gave Melissa a look, the twins walking out in front of her. "I didn't touch her.." she gave me a side eye while walking to the door. "Yet."
"Don't touch her period, Melissa." Rob said with a sigh while handing me two backpacks.
"Thank you." I whispered and I watched her look up at me for the first time, dark bags under her eyes. I frowned at how tired and drained she looked. It was like she's barely slept.. or smiled. My heart aches all over again.
"Thank you?" She replied lowly and shook her head. "I didn't do shit for you." She shoved the backpack into my arms before turning around. "Bring them back next week, same time."
"Wait I.." She stopped for a moment without turning around. "I have to go to New York tomorrow, Robyn.. I start shooting for Power."
Her head nodded slowly. "When do you come back?"
"Saturday."
"Saturday. Seven o'clock." I frowned when she strutted inside and closed the door behind her. I should've expected that, but it still hurt.
"Mama?" I looked down at the twins and smiled .
"Hey my babies." I lifted them both after putting the backpack on my back before carrying them to the car. "I missed you so much. Did you miss me?" They both nodded with frowns. "I'm sorry I was gone. I promise I'm gonna do everything to get back in the house with you both. But until then.. we're going to New York."
"What's that?" Remi asked and I looked up while buckling him in his car seat.
"It's a city. We have to get on a plane and go because mama has work out there." After I hooked Nani in, I leaned back and smiled at their curious, innocent faces that just seemed to be happy I was here.
They didn't know what was going on, why I wasn't sleeping under the same roof.. not that they'd be understand. It made me more sad than I already was. And it was my fault..
I had to bare it.
"So, who wants ice cream huh?" They both cheered and I chuckled before moving sliding behind the wheel. "Me too."
That day forward, everything seemed to move in a loop. Nothing changed. I'd drop the twins off, she'd take the bags and not even react to me, just the twins. Then she would close the door without a word. The same as when I picked them up now.
I would go home and lay on my bed for a minute before eventually crying my ass off like I wasn't the one who did wrong. But I'd wake up the next morning and continue doing what was best, bettering myself.
I started to feel bad on staying with Jay and all. Especially when his girl would come over and he wanted to make sure I was okay, more than him spending time with his girl.
That wasn't okay with me so the next day, I grabbed what I came with, told him thank you, then went apartment shopping. I didn't want anything permanent (obviously) so I rented a two bedroom place near the beach.
Two birds with one stone. I love the beach, and so do the kids.
Power was coming along great as well. I pushed out my one episode and it seemed to get a good reaction. So good that I got another call from Anne. 'I know you agreed to be a guest star but your character was trending on Twitter. Would you want to come back?'
So I did and it was fun. I never thought acting would be something I'd start doing more than a little one time gig but here I was. They didn't consider me a season regular yet but the fact that they made changes to the upcoming scripts to fit me in? That meant something, right?
As time went by though, I started to feel different. Maybe it's with all the components of changes I've made in my life. I kind of stopped drinking alcohol, knowing that led to bad decisions on my part. Now that didn't mean I didn't have a drink with my meal every now and then but I wasn't going to clubs or bar hopping or whatever.. I liked being home.
I mean, I was turning twenty eight this year and still acting like I was twenty one. Pathetic right?
Drinking too much wasn't the only thing I changed, I also scheduled regularly with Sophia again. Every Friday, sometimes Tuesday and Friday depending on how the week went.
And it felt good to talk stuff out again. I wish I never stopped.
"So," I leaned back on the chair and nodded as Sophia smiled. "Heavy stuff out of the way. What's on your mind today?"
I hummed and tapped my fingers on the armrest. "I was just thinking about something. You know I ow I come and talk to you and stuff?" She nodded. "That's not very big in the black community."
"Therapy, you mean?" She questioned and I nodded. "I obviously can't speak on it from experience, but why do you think it's that way?"
Why? I'm gonna need a book to explain that. "It's a stigma in our community. We're taught at a young age to bare pain and wear it without complaining. Just from the generational hatred we've experienced, we have thick skin but our skin is so thick that we refuse to even let pain out of it."
She hummed while nodding softly. "And how's that affect you from growing up to now, sitting in front of me."
"Honestly it's tough being raised to hide feelings and only care about yourself. That's why I'm so happy I met Robyn. She was the one who taught me about taking personal days and not being sorry if I'm mentally just not there." I frowned slightly and glanced down instinctively. I still had to forgive myself for that.. "I remember the first time we broke up and she told me she checked into therapy but for her, not me."
"Can you relate to that now?" I looked back up as Sophia tilted her head questionably. "Do you feel that you are here today on your own accord? Or are you doing it for the sake of your wife?"
"Honestly?" I grinned and sat up. "I'm here for me." She smiled, a proud look on her face as she nodded. "I called for me, I walked in for me. We both made mistakes, she lacked communication while I was trying to understand what was wrong with her. But I don't want to react to pain by giving pain."
"You wanna leans how to react healthily." I nodded in agreement. Bullseye. "We've known one another for about.. two, three years now is it?"
"Just about, yeah."
"And out of all of our sessions through the years.. I've never seen you so clear." My eyebrows raised at her words. "You've recovered and recouped but now you're repairing. My job is never to force you into anything, I'm solely here to guide you through your emotions and you are continuously setting the bar so.. give yourself some credit."
"Well thank you." I said with smile and shifted in my seat, lowkey feeling a bit exposed all of a sudden.
"You remember the guy I told you about? Sean?" She nodded. "He's been helping me too and it made me realize I don't have a lot of friends. I know a lot of people but there's not a lot I can call at two am and vent to."
"What about Dante?"
I shrugged. "Yeah I can call him because he's still my best friend but he's also dating my wife's best friend and it's all weird. He's trying to be there for me but he also says his girlfriend talks to him about snapping my neck so.. yeah."
She hummed, nodding again. "So you've gravitated more to Sean though during this situation." Well.. I guess I did. He related to what I was going through and gave genuine advice and tips. "I think it's good for you to gain new friends. It gives you a chance to expand and branch out. And you say he promotes healthy living? With food and meditation and therapy, that's even better."
"Yeah and we workout too. I never thought I'd be the one to meditate, I kinda thought that was a white thing." She laughed softly with a nod. "But you said you don't even meditate so.."
"Yeah I can't. I may be able to focus on conversations really well but sitting still and trying to empty my mind? Not happening." I chuckled and glanced up at the clock, her eyes moving to her watch. "Will I be seeing you Tuesday or next Friday?"
"Most likely Friday. I'm dropping the kids off to her today before flying back to New York." I said as I raised up and stretched my back.
"I saw your episode." She said and I raised my eyebrows as she followed me out of the door. "Why didn't you tell me you were on Power? I nearly screamed when you popped up on the screen."
Sophia? Watching Power? In what fucking world.. "I didn't think you watched it but what do you think of my character?"
"Very unexpected, you speak with a New York accent really well." Yeah, not like I didn't spend four hours in with a voice lessons teacher. Shit was grueling. "And I like how you're super laid back and chill and then boom you shoot some guy in the head." As we walked past her colleagues, they all looked at us with wide eyes. Sophia quickly spluttered. "No it's TV- acting.. we're talking about acting."
I looked at her with a smirk at her suddenly beet red face. "If the cops are here the next time I come, we'll know why." I joked and she gave me an apologetic smile once we reached the front. "Thank you for everything, Sophia."
"As always, you're welcome. Take care, Y/n." She shook my hand before we parted ways. I walked out to my car, on my way to my moms to get the kids since she watched them while I was here.
-
They looked so peaceful sleeping. I smiled to myself, the twins curled up together in the playpen. Adorable.
"Y/nn," I looked over my shoulder and my mom nodded her head to the side, silently telling me to follow her. "How are you?" She asked as we walked down the hallway to the kitchen.
"Still alive so," I shrugged with a sigh. "Blessed." She nodded before sliding a cup over to me after pouring something into it. I stared at the steaming liquid. "Tea?" I asked and she nodded.
"It's been a few weeks huh? You and Robyn talk yet?" I shook my head slightly.
"No she doesn't answer unless it's about the twins." And it was true. If I called and the topic wasn't the twins, she hung up. Not that I blame her. "I'm still trying, fighting like you said." I tapped my ring against the glass mug with a sigh. "But I don't know how I can show her I'm trying I'd I can't even speak to her."
She nodded silently, leaving us both in the mind state to ponder. What was I suppose to do? I'm working on myself and trying to save my marriage but it's like using an umbrella during a rainstorm. Except, the umbrella is littered with holes.
I know I deserve it, I deserve worse to be honest but I missed her so fucking much. I wanted her back. I needed her.
"But I told her that I wouldn't stop unless she told me to." I stated and looked back up at my mom. "Not unless she tells me to let go."
"And if she does?" She said, making me frown. I stood by my word.
"Then I'll let her go." I just prayed she didn't. I haven't been given divorce papers, she hasn't told me to pack up my stuff so I had hope.
And that's all I could have right now.
After a few more minutes with my mom, I was back on the road to drop the twins off. "Mama," I looked in the rear view mirror and saw Remi kicking his feet while eating the one fry I gave him. "Stay?"
I shook my head and looked back at the road. "Not today, son, I'm sorry." God I hated this..
"M'kay." He mumbled before shoving the fry into his mouth and holding his hand up. "Moe?"
I reached into the bag and grabbed another one for him. I could never give him the entire container because he's a little shit sometime and likes to throw it around my car.
"And guess what? Next week, big sis will be with me. Isn't that gonna be fun?"
"Liaaaa." Nani sung out while clapping. "Lia funny."
"She is, isn't she?" I smiled as I turned into the driveway and parked the car before sending a quick 'outside' text to Robyn. "Okay, let's go see mommy."
I helped them out and they carried their little bears that they made with them. "Mommy!" They exclaimed and ran on their little legs over to her.
I took a moment to give her a once over, damn near drooling at her casual but beautiful ass. Then, the closer I got, the more I recognized that hoodie.. my hoodie. I couldn't help but smile.
Her eyes caught mine after she hugged the twins. "Something funny?" She asked and I shook my head while handing her their backpack. "Whatever. Bye."
"Hang on." I said quickly before bending down to the twins. "I'll see y'all next week okay? Now go put your stuff up, toys go where?"
"Toy bucket!" They said and I nodded with a wide smile.
"Good job. I love you, now go stinky butts." I stood back up as they ran into the house, my gaze back on Robyn who had the tiniest of grins. It dropped when she looked at me though, as expected. "So.. it's Valentine's Day soon."
Her eyes rolled. "Goodbye, Y/n." I placed my hand against the door and stopped her from closing it. "Y/n, move."
"Hang on." She rested her head on the doorframe with a huff. "Your birthdays coming too and I just wanted to give you something." She watched me jog back to my car and I pulled out the medium sized gift bag. "Here.." I held it up as I approached her but she eyed it silently and I sighed, urging her to take it. "It's not a bomb, Robyn."
Finally, she grabbed the bag and looked down at it, then back up at me with a bored stricken face. "Okay.. thank you."
With that, I stepped back smiling. "Happy early Valentine's birthday, Robyn." Then I turned and walked back to my car, at least happy we made conversation today.
That was progress. Everything was progress.
___