Three months ago
September 30th
Los Angeles
Robyn's POV
-
"Sit still, babe." I whispered, gently combing Anani's hair. She leaned back against my chest, eyes on the screen as she sung along softly to the song.
"Tree wittle monkeys.. jumjum bed." I smiled to myself at her little singing voice. Yes.. my baby was gonna be a little star.
I finished her bun before wrapping my arms around her and pressing a kiss to her cheek. "You like this song, babe?" She nodded and pointed at the tablet, the animated monkeys jumping. "Can you sing it for me again?"
"Okay mommy." She started the video over and I chuckled when she cleared her throat. "Weady?"
My mini me. "Yup, bless my ears girl."
She started to sing the song (to the best of her abilities) again and I rocked us side to side, occasionally joining in on the parts she didn't know. "You sing so well, you know that? You gonna be a singer like mommy?" She nodded and sat the tablet down before rolling over and leaning on my stomach, those beautiful eyes looking up at me like I was her world. Little did she know, she was mine.
"Mommy," She said while running her fingers over the buttons of my silk pajama shirt. "Want mama."
I pouted and nodded. "I do too, baby. But she has to work because it's what she loves to do."
She hummed and looked down at my shirt again. "Love me?" I nodded immediately.
"Of course. Mama loves you sooo much." I brushed my thumb over eyebrow with a wink. "Mama comes back and goes straight to her babygirl. She walks right past me and I'm her wife!" She giggled softly at my voice.
"Mama funny." She mumbled and laid back on stomach.
She sure was. I rubbed her back and looked up at the ceiling, knowing I missed her more than anyone. But it was tour.. and touring the world was something she was extremely passionate about. I could live with that.
But damn did I miss her.
"Hey Nani can you-" I stopped and squinted my eyes when I suddenly felt the saliva in my mouth grow at tenfold, a bitter taste to it. I remember that damn taste. I quickly moved my daughter, my hand pressed to my mouth as I rushed off of the bed and to the bathroom.
I dropped to my knees and hurled into the toilet, my mind immediately going to what I ate last. Taco Bell.. I knew it tasted weird.
I felt a soft hand on my back and looked up to see Mel holding Nani with a concerned look. "Not you ruining my dinner." She mumbled playfully before pushing my hair back. "You okay girl?"
I nodded. "Yeah, that 'dinner' is garbage." I flushed the toilet before going to the sink and brushing my teeth. I hated throwing up more than anything. Dealing with morning sickness a year ago was one of the worst experiences of my life and I was over that shit. At least for a few more years.
"You want some I-c-e c-r-e-a-m?" Mel spelled out, knowing if she said the word Nani would start geeking.
I nodded quickly. "That actually sounds so good. Let's go."
Luckily my mom was here so I left the twins with her as Mel and I went to cold stone. "Can I get the cookies and cream love it with a scoop of cookie dough.. yeah and caramel drizzle." I watched him make it, my mouth damn near drooling when he drizzled the caramel.
I looked at Mel and she grimaced at me as she said her order. "Just strawberry.. thank you." What a boring hoe.
We sat down at the little tables after getting our ice creams and I immediately shoved the spoon into my mouth. "Mm mm mm." I hummed and shook my head. "This some good shit right here, I'm telling you."
Mel shook her head and continued eating her lame ass ice cream. "How do you do it?" I tilted my head as she pouted. "How are you so chill with Y/n being gone for so long? Dante been in Cleveland, what, two weeks since recovery? I'm dying."
"Oh girl, I'm not chill." I said plainly. "I miss her like crazy but I just prioritize the time we get to spend with each other on FaceTime or calls, you know? Just the little things that matter." She hummed and nodded slowly. "And remember that it's their passion, it makes them happy so.. that makes me happy."
She nodded continuously and sat her ice cream cup down for a moment. "Yeah he was super happy to get back on the field after tearing his Acey-nell."
My eyebrows furrowed as she looked down with a sigh. "Melissa?" She hummed. "It's ACL." Her jaw dropped as I laughed deeply. "Bitch, you stupid."
"I been calling it that for months.. you playing me? For true?"
"For true bitch. And I'm the one that never finished high school." I snorted and picked my ice cream cup back up. "You need your ass whooped."
"I do." She said with a groan. "Dante never corrected me neither."
"He was being nice." I nodded my head to leave and she nodded, both of us walking out to the car, her driving. "Y/n wouldn't. She'd make fun of my ass til we were sixty. She still talk shit about me calling every touchdown in football a field goal."
"Is it not?" She questioned and I nodded exaggeratedly. "It's a goal on the field though? Field goal?"
"That's what I said! That's why I just stick to soccer bitch. That's the real football anyways."
As we started back home, I leaned back on the seat and rubbed my stomach with a frown. That Taco Bell was really tearing me up. "You okay? You're looking a little sick over there." I nodded and swallowed thickly while forcing the vomit, that was threatening to come back up, down. "Rob.. for real, you good?"
I held up my pointer finger and did the technique that helped me when I was pregnant. Slow, tight controlled breathing. Eventually I felt my stomach relax and I huffed with a nod. "I'm good, I'm good." She eyed me cautiously while continuing to drive. "Car sick and stomach sick don't mix well."
"Alright.. I'll drive slower." She said and I gave her a grateful smile as we continued home.
Once inside I immediately grabbed a ginger ale from the fridge and slowly walked to lean against the counter. "Robyn." My mom called out and I hummed with a nod. "You don't do no grocery shopping anymore. Look at this." I raised my eyebrows when she opened the full refrigerator. "No oxtail, no plantains, no beans. What are you feeding the kids?"
"Um.. healthy food, mom." I said with a soft laugh and she gave me a look while turning back to grab a yogurt off of the shelf. "I need to lay down or something." I sighed and wiped my forehead while grabbing the little salt shaker and sprinkling a little in my hand before licking it off.
Don't judge me, whore.
When I looked up, my mom was staring at me while slowly dipping the spoon into the yogurt cup. "I know, I remember how many times you told me not to do that as a kid." I said with a hands up. "Just once."
She hummed and looked me up and down, her head tilting. "You already got two, I don't know why you keeping it a secret like it's your first child." She said with a soft chuckle while walking away. Wait what?
"Huh?" I followed her into the living room with a frown. "What are you- ohhh I'm not pregnant." She looked up at me with a sarcastic hum and quietly ate her yogurt. "I'm not."
"Right. Glossy skin, you eating ice cream every night again.. salt? Riiight." I laughed softly and shook my head. No I wasn't pregnant.. I couldn't be. My laughs stopped. Right?
I scrambled to the bathroom and quickly ripped open the bottom cabinet door. "Mommy?" I heard Remi questioned groggily but I was focused on getting the back of this damn cabinet. I know I had an extra one right- yes. Double pack, perfect.
I snatched the two pregnancy tests out and stared at it, my heart pounding. If I was pregnant barely a month after the twins turned one.. lord have mercy.
I took in a deep breath and sat the test on the counter, my eyes closing. "Mommy okay?" Remi asked again and I looked down at him as he hugged my leg with a frown.
"Yes, I'm okay baby." I picked him up and sat him on the counter sink, my fingers combing through his light hair. "I just feel a little sick but I'm okay." He nodded and watched me sit on the toilet slowly, the test back in my hand. "Can you do mommy a favor? Can you go get auntie M?"
I helped him down and he bounced out of the room, giving me a chance to pee on the sticks. I shook them clean before laying a strip of tissue on the counter and setting it down. Now we wait..
"What's up?" Mel walked in and her eyes immediately went to the test. "I fuckin' knew it."
"I don't know yet." I said and she leaned back against the wall while watching me watch the tests. "I can't be pregnant though, not this early. We've been careful..ish." She gave me a look and I waved my hand. "It was only like twice."
"Y'all are some dumbasses." She mumbled before silently waiting with me.
Once the clock passed five minutes, I cautiously glanced over at the tests but couldn't look for the answer. "I can't check. Can you?" She nodded and walked forward with a small smile, her eyes reading the tests while I chewed on my thumb nail.
I was prepared for a positive test but I wasn't prepared for telling Y/n. She didn't work the whole pregnancy to take care of me.. now she's back on tour and I was already about to have another baby?
I knew no matter how much I'd tell her to continue dancing, she'd drop everything to come take care of me. That scared me more than anything. Knowing she would give up her dream job for me without a missing a beat..
"Negative." I snapped my head up and saw Melissa staring at the counter with a frown. "They're both negative."
"Oh.." I nodded slowly and dropped my hand from my mouth. "I mean.. that's good right?" I looked at the tests and saw the single line for myself. "It's too early anyways but.. hm." Mel crouched down in front of me and rested her hands on my knees comfortingly. "I love babies."
"I know, Gods timing though." She whispered and rubbed my knees, a sympathetic smile covering her lips. "Are you okay?"
I nodded. "Yeah, no yeah I'm fine. I got enough babies to take care of right now.. and that includes Y/n's big ass." She cracked a smile as I chuckled lightly before tossing the tests into the trash. "I do need to sleep though, honestly."
She raised up and lifted me with my hand. "Let me know if you need anything, alright?"
I nodded and went into my connected bedroom before I dropping onto the bed with a huff. "I will. Turn the light off for me please." I sung out and she hummed, the lights going off and my door closing.
I wasn't pregnant.. good. Not that I would be disappointed if I was but Mel was right. Gods timing.
So I didn't worry much about it.
October 31st
"I'm sure I'm not." I said to my doctor as he rubbed my stomach while looking at the ultra sound machine. "I took a few and they were all negative but I've been.. sick a lot, you know? Kinda like morning sickness "
Doctor Peters nodded as he kept his eyes on the screen with a small smile. "Of course. There's nothing wrong with double checking." I gave him a thankful grin before tapping my stomach lightly.
After weeks of throwing up and feeling like salt was sugar, I decided to call up my twins' obgyn just to make sure I wasn't going crazy. I could just be having a placebo affect.
"Okay so.." I looked back at him and he nodded before looking at me. "You are pregnant." ... "Studying the size of the sack, you're about two months along." Oh my God.
I swallowed thickly and nodded, my heart hammering against my chest like a drill. I was pregnant? I am pregnant. Oh my fucking God. "Oh.. okay." I blinked slowly and looked back at the screen with wide eyes. "You said two months?"
"Just about." His smile was wide but once he was met with silence, he put the instruments down and started to wipe my stomach of the gel.
Y/n was coming today for Halloween.. and then leaving tomorrow. If I told her, she wouldn't leave, I just knew it.
I could hold it, just for a few weeks. Just until I saw her again. That would be Christmas. That way, she would be there instead of here and would be more understanding when I told her to stay.
"Thank you." I told him as I pulled my shirt down and sat up, my head shaking lightly. "I'm just shocked, I didn't think it'd happen this fast."
"That's understandable. Just take it one day at a time, I'm here for any questions you need, you know that." I nodded and thanked him again as he started to pack up.
Just as he left, I heard a knock on the door and I pulled it open, my eyebrows furrowing when Y/n stood on the other end, a bouquet of roses in her hand. "Why did you knock?"
She shrugged. "I lost my key." Of course. I slid my arms around her neck when she suddenly picked me up and spun me around. "Ugh I missed your ass." Her lips pressed to my neck before trailing over my cheek, ending at my lips. "You miss me?" She whispered, pulling back and staring at me with adoring eyes.
I gave her a look. "You know I did." I don't know if she realized, but her hand rested directly on my stomach as she smiled wildly. For a moment, I thought about telling her. Right there.. "I'm pregnant."
Her eyebrows cocked when I opened my mouth before shaking my head and smiling. "I'm happy you're here." I said instead and she raised the roses. "For me?"
"Of course." I grabbed the flowers and smelled them with a grin. "Where my babies at? Where's my little princess?"
"At your moms house. She took them to this little pumpkin patch but she should be back soon." I watched her nod and shift restlessly. "Yes, we can go see them."
"Yes." She whispered and dropped her backpack, already starting to the door. "Hurry! I miss them!" She called out and I shook my head, chuckling softly.
Yeah.. baby number three? Why not.
-
Los Angeles
One month, 2 weeks ago
November 15th
"I love you too babe." I mumbled exhaustedly into the phone, Y/n on the other end. It was three in the morning for me, midnight for her. I think she forgets time zones are a damn thing..
"Okay, I think I'm gonna go play beer pong. I miss you." I smiled in amusement and returned the phrase, my eyes shutting subconsciously. "Don't forget to eat and drink water baby. I know you forget because you're working so much but take care of yourself. Get good sleep too."
What do you think I'm trying to do, Y/n? "I will babe, thanks for looking out for me." She hummed softly and just as I felt sleep start to seep in, she spoke up again.
"Ooo, when you come for Christmas, you should bring those little fuzzy socks. You know, the one with the reindeer ears? Those are comfortable as hell."
I stared at me phone before chucking softly and rolling onto my back, my hand sliding down to my stomach as I caressed the tiny bump. "Whatever you want babe." I said and closed my eyes when she hummed again. Two months.. two months and fifteen days to be exact. And she'd be finding out soon.
I wonder if she'd be happy but shocked or terrified. Not terrified of me having a baby but having to deal with all of it again. I asked her what the worse part was and she said it was me snapping at her for no reason.
I don't remember most of the outbursts but I had a feeling they weren't for 'no reason.'
"I'm just sitting here.." she said, a light laugh echoing. "Wondering when you're gonna tell me to shut the hell up and let you sleep. You're nicer when tired."
So this whole time- wow. "You're such a dick." I said with a huff and she laughed even more. "Goodbye Y/n."
"Goodnight, queen." She responded, taking a moment before hanging up. "I love you."
Such a softie. "I love you too." She waited for me to hang up and I rolled onto my side and stared at the phone as it went from the phone screen to the lock screen. It was us on our wedding day. The best day of my life.
With a smile, I closed my eyes again and let sleep finally wash over me.
The next morning
I woke up to my alarm blaring loudly as it always did. I groaned, debating if it was okay for me to take another me day.. but I already took one yesterday and- ugh, I didn't want to seem like a slacker.
So, I pushed myself up to stretch my arms above my head but I stopped when I felt a tight ache in my stomach. "Ow shit." I dropped my arms and pushed the covers back to rub my stomach.
And that's when I saw it.
The dark crimson covering my pajama shorts.. right where.. I slowly pushed them down and saw the large clot of blood. "No," I whispered and pushed them all the way down before lifting to my knees, my eyes firmly on the blood on my shorts.
Maybe it was just spotting, right? Just a little spotting that's.. that's normal. Spotting happens during a pregnancy. I shakily grabbing my phone and quickly called the doctor.
"Robyn?" He questioned, his voice sounding tired and usually I'd be considerate but not for this. "Did we have an appointment today?"
"Blood." I simply muttered and felt my breathing pick up, my eyes never moving. "Please tell me it's okay. Tell me it's just.. tell me it's okay, please."
He was silent before clearing his throat. "What shade is the blood? And is it a lot clotted or a little?"
I swallowed thickly and blinked slowly. "Uh.. dark red. Kind of shiny and it's a lot."
He was silent again. He was going to say it was okay though, it had to be.. it had to be okay. "Robyn I need you to possibly move the top layer. Are you comfortable with that?" I nodded to myself, my silence giving him his answer. "Just use the tip of your finger to brush the top clot to the side and tell me that you see."
I did as he said and I automatically wish I didn't. There was a small section of the blood that was lighter, a small bean looking thing in the middle. And I realized what that bean was.
"No." I cried and dropped the phone, sobs racking my body as realization hit me. "No.. please no." My head shook, tears streaming down my face. I had a miscarriage. I.. I lost my baby.
"Robyn." I heard the doctor say but it was hard to hear him over my own sobs. "Robyn I need you to take a deep breath. I'll be over shortly with my materials to do an ultra sound, just hang on, okay?"
I sniffed and mumbled in response. I wasn't sure what I said but he hung up and that left me alone.
Trudging out of the bed, I carried the shorts into the bathroom and turned on the shower, my body feeling to heavy to hold up.
What hurt the most was that I didn't even get to tell Y/n.. Y/n. I should've told her. I should've told her but it was too late now.
I didn't have a baby to tell her about.
I stepped under the shower and let the water pour down on me, the cramps in my stomach getting stronger by the second so I looked down. Little droplets of blood steadily dropped out of me, tormenting.
I lost my baby.
I didn't bother getting dressed up at all. I pulled on Y/n's hoodie and some sweats, my hair thrown up into a loose bun as I opened the door for the doctor. He smiled sympathetically before following me over to the room we usually set up in.
"Just relax.." He whispered and pressed the tool to my stomach, the cool gel not even phasing me right now. I stared up at the ceiling, my hopes at an all time low.
The minutes ticked on like hours as he stared at the screen silently as if I didn't know the outcome. I knew the outcome when he slowly sat the tool down but didn't look away from the screen. "I'm sorry." He whispered.
Even though I knew, the water works started all over again. My bottom lip quivered, the first tears sliding down the side of my face. "What happened?" I barely got out and he went into his medical terms.
"Theres multiple factors.." His words started to echo as I looked at the gray screen. "Hormonal abnormalities.. chromosome changes.."
I nodded along as if I was listening, the warm tears steadily pouring down my face but I wasn't sobbing this time. I was more shocked now. I couldn't help but think it was my fault.
I should've known.. I should I've known sooner, then I could've stopped drinking sooner. I would've stopped smoking sooner and drinking coffee sooner. I should've just came to the doctor as soon as I felt symptoms instead of trusting two fucking pregnancy tests when all the signs already pointed to the obvious.
Y/n would be devastated. I should've told her and now it's my fault our baby wasn't here. What if she hates me for not telling her? I know I'm disgusted with myself, she'd.. hate me.
"I did this." I whispered and he stopped talking, frowning when I slowly sat up. "Thank you, Doctor Peters."
"Robyn, there was nothing you could have done or not done. This is a devastating situation but it is not your fault." I nodded half heartedly. "Please, if you need to speak with someone.."
"I'll be okay." I mumbled and shook my head. "Thank you."
I'm so sorry, Y/n..
-
Los Angeles
January 1st, 2020
Present day
"Get out of the fucking way!" I groaned and pushed my car horn as I swerved around the jackass.
"Rob chill." Melissa mumbled from the passenger seat but I couldn't chill. Not when Y/n was about to leave. I had to get to her before she left. I just had to.
I told Melissa what happened as soon as I found out she was leaving tonight. She was mad I kept it from her but understanding as hell. Thank God she was my best friend..
So I continued to weave and bob between the cars because I couldn't lose her for good. "Can I ask why?" I glanced at Mel for a second, my eyes going back to the road. "Why push her away and spend time with Hassan? I still don't get it.."
Neither did I at first.. "I just.. I didn't think I deserved her." I said, plain and simple. After I found out about the miscarriage, I pushed Y/n away because I was too afraid to tell her. That's where it started. Then.. I threw myself into work.
That's all Hassan was. A distraction from the real world. All we did was work until our meeting ended and I threw myself into work with another person. It was a full cycle. Never ending.
That was until Y/n set me straight last night. She was right. She's given me everything and it doesn't feel enough to her.. little did she know, I felt like I wasn't enough. I needed her. I needed her to know I didn't truly care about saweetie. It was all a facade, a reason to keep her distant from me.
I trusted her with my life but I needed a reason to not feel so guilty. I brought my insecurities out just to make myself feel better. How selfish was that?
That wasn't me.. I knew I was hurting her more than I intended to. More than I thought I would. I'm done with that.
I went to my therapist and she said to mourn with her, heal with her, then grow. How could I grow if I throwing oil in the water that helped me blossom?
This was winter. And she asked me to throw one more punch so that's what I was going to do.
"They posted another picture of you and Hassan." Mel mumbled and showed me, my eyes rolling. "Wasn't this like three months ago?"
"Yes. When we went to London with prince harry and them. They're just searching for anything at this point." I said and huffed. "What time is it?"
"Eight thirty five exactly." I groaned when we reached the airport but of course the lines were In n Out long. "Goddamn it!" I said with a groan before shoving the door open. "Drive, Mel."
"What? You're running?" She questioned and I pulled my hood up with a nod to make sure I wouldn't be noticed. She smiled. "Get your boo, girl."
That was the plan.
I tucked my head down and started jogging through the airport to get to the shuttle area that carried the buses and transportation.
Looking down at my watch, I watched the time go faster than it usually did. Wasn't that the worst? Time seemed to only speed up when you actually care about it slowing down.
But I wasn't about to give up.
I pushed my legs harder as I rounded the corners until I eventually got outside. That's when I saw her starting up the steps.
"Y/n!" I called out and ran faster. "Wait!" I heard the bus start up and I ignored the confused looks I was getting from people who probably thought I was some lunatic. No bags, no luggage, running after a bus.
But call me crazy because I didn't care.
I dug into my pocket and kept running while simultaneously dialing her number. I had to get to her.. I had to. I needed her.
Just as I pressed call, I saw the bus pulling off but I knew I could reach her in time. Even if it was by phone. So I stopped for a second and raised my finger to press call.
A message dropped down from the top of my screen.
My❤️andSoul😘: i think we need a divorce.
_____
Undertones? Yes..
Sorry?