Alone, joyless, ashamed, devastated, discouraged, desperate, among many other words could be used to describe how I have felt for the past two weeks. I made the right decision, but the right decision is not always the easiest on the heart.
It was evident that my presence in Tom's life was not actually going to do him any good nor was it going to make me feel better about standing by while he kills. To everyone, I was doing okay because I pretended not to care, but I had been moping around. I was extremely worried about what he would be capable of doing without me. Maybe breaking off everything would have set him off even more?
I felt responsible for
whatever happened next.
I missed him too much for it to be healthy. I felt like a muggle car without its engine or a wizard without their wand in charms class, useless and hopeless. I did not just want him, I needed him. But I could never tell him this, he needed to learn from his mistakes or continue on his ventures without my aid.
Obviously, he did not understand this because I have been getting flowers every single day. The day after I left he sent red roses, 'very typical male who made a mistake behavior' I thought. Then, he sent jasmines, which was a unique selection. The day after that, he sent lilies. And, on what was supposed to be our two month anniversary, he sent my favorite flowers. He sent me a bouquet full of bright purple, white and yellow orchids with a sweet and delicate fresh green smell.
I had thrown away all of the bouquets, except that one. I could not bring myself to. I had told him at Hogsmeade that when I had my own home, I wanted a garden full of all kinds of orchids. He had laughed at my remark and said he would buy me a large estate where I could grow all the orchids I wanted. The gift made me feel loved, he was the only one to always remember the little things. So, instead of throwing them away, I placed the floral arrangement inside a vase on my nightstand. Every day, before going to sleep, I would smell the orchids and think of him. I would pray that he would come to his senses; but I could not take him back, at least not yet. I fell too fast and too hard, he needed my help but my heart needed to mend itself.
•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
The next day, I met up with Abraxas at the rose garden. Without saying a word, he protectingly wrapped his arm around my shoulder and we started walking.
I needed my best friend, now more than ever. He understood my pain, even without knowing half of what was going on. He helped keep Tom away from me during classes and he told his father to owl us a huge bag of delicious sweets. I did not know what would be of me during this time if it was not for Abraxas' compassion.
"How are you feeling today?", he questioned with a vibrant attitude trying to cheer me up.
"Same as always, I miss him. But you know I cannot go back."
"I understand perfectly, but I am getting tired of him cornering me in every class. Today, he wanted me to give you flowers again, but I said flowers won't fix the problem. Then, he wanted to involve me in this grand scheme to get you back. He was going to do some public display, but I knew that would be horrible for you. The man is relentless about this, which says a lot about how he feels about you.", Abraxas remarked dramatically as he rolled his eyes and crossed his arms together.
"If he needs to say something, he can send a letter. I do not want to talk to him, but you are not an owl! Also, since he does not care about anyone's feelings besides his own, why should I?", I retorted with a scoff.
"Athena, he is crazy about you. Whatever he did, he is trying to make amends. Just talk to him, okay?", he replied with sincere care for my well-being and the downward spiraling state that was my love life at the moment.
If only he knew what Tom Riddle was capable of, maybe he would not want me anywhere near him. Abraxas knew Tom was not a kind man, but he had no idea the extremist and sinister thoughts that engulfed his mind and soul. I simply nodded in response and we started talking about other topics in order to distract me.
After having spent the entire day with Abraxas, I made it back to the common room. Making my way inside, I noticed I was not alone.
I tried to go by unnoticed, but I was unsuccessful. He called my name, I ignored him. He called again, I ignored him. Calling after me for the third time, I ignored him as well.
"Athena, you cannot ignore me forever!", he shouted growing tired of my attempt at being immune to his voice.
I quickly turned around and exclaimed, "I have avoided you successfully for two weeks and you do not deserve for me to even acknowledge your presence right now."
"I have given you space, time and even affection from afar. What more do you want from me?", he inquired with slight irritation.
"This is not about me wanting flowers or thousands of poems, I just want the good man that I know is still inside of you. I want him to come out before it is too late for you or for us.", I whispered trying not to bawl my eyes out.
"I do not know how to be that man for you, I have made that abundantly clear. I'm tired of this. But in these weeks, I have felt an emptiness I've never felt before. I did not know I could even feel, until you came barging into my life and then abruptly left. I marvel in your presence and I long for you. You cannot keep me away for much longer, I will simply perish. Plus, I still think we are a rather good pair.", he stated with present adoration in his gaze and voice.
"Tom, you know you have grown to mean so much to me. From absolutely despising you to becoming attached to the hip, it's surreal. I am trying to live without what I now consider my missing piece, but I cannot go along with the things you are doing anymore. Sometimes, the feelings two people share are simply not enough for a relationship to thrive."
After saying this, Tom started walking in my direction, only stopping when he was right in front of me. I breathed in deeply and looked at him awkwardly.
"I am going to be honest with you, I always am. I have always known what I wanted, how to get it, and what lines I could cross, but with you all I see are blurred lines. I do not know if my right is wrong and if my wrong is right nor do I know anything about how I feel for you beyond the fact that it is a deep unquenchable feeling that does not go away. I need you to be mine, again.", he rantingly pleaded.
His small confession had shocked me, but it gave me a sense of hope. Maybe my presence did have an effect on his moral compass, even if it was not enough to change him overnight. Changing someone like him overnight was impossible, I needed to realize that.
I sighed and said, "Promise me something, yes?"
He nodded, so I continued, "I want you to promise me that you won't do anything you might regret. Promise that you will think about this until the end of the month. Give it some time and if you still feel like your choice is the right choice, I will have to accept that. Promise me that you won't harm Myrtle in any way now, please."
"I promise. I will do anything to have you again.", he replied barely not letting me finish.
"This is not about me, this is about you. Promise that you will do this for yourself."
"I promise, I will give time its power to dictate my fate until the end of month.", he replied sealing a new promise.
"Good".
An awkward silence washed its way over us, I did not know what happened next. Being anxiously concerned for what would be of us and himself moving forward, Tom could only focus on one thing.
His eyes made their way from my own onto my lips. He placed a hand on my waist and pulled me towards him. Then, he whispered something inaudible and started leaning in. Staring into my onyx eyes, he pretends to be staring into the eyes of the most breath-taking woman. He kept leaning in and before I knew it, he closed the gap between our lips.
Consumed by his drunken mesmerized state desperate for a taste of my plump lips, I meditated on how good it felt to have him this way again. Only time would tell if I was making the most adequate decision.
After all, the muggles do say, 'Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.' for a valid reason.