Tick... Tick... Tick..
There was no clock in the room but I could imagine the sound of it in my head. That's how quiet we both were.
"Can I be honest?" I looked over at her but her gaze stayed fixated on the ceiling. "I've never.. that was like.." she paused, eyebrows furrowing and head shaking as if she couldn't find the words to express whatever it is she wanted to say.
"What?" I mumbled and looked up at the cream colored walls.
"That shit was a journey." What? I looked back at her and she finally looked at me. "I've never been fucked like that before." I snorted and glanced away from her again. "I'm serious." She rolled over and propped her elbow on the bed, the side of her head resting on her palm. I felt her eyes roaming my face before speaking up again. "I think I may be in love with you."
I closed my eyes and sighed lightly. "Don't say that." I ran a hand down my face and groaned deeply. "This is so bad.. this is terrible."
Did I feel guilty? Yes. I just cheated. But.. I didn't feel hallow. I know cheating is never the right thing to do but why did it feel so right? Why did I feel warmth in my chest again? Something I hadn't felt for over a month.
I felt happy..
"I know." I reopened my eyes as she rested her hand on my chest, her brown orbs taking me in calmly. "I do feel bad but I can't lie and say I don't feel good too. I don't know. It's confusing." I nodded in agreement, tell me about it. "We have to be back on the bus tonight.."
"I forgot about tour for a second." I sat up slightly and ran a hand through my hair. "Where we going?"
"San Francisco." She smiled. "Bay areaaa."
"Right, how could I forget." Leaning forward, I stretched with a deep groan before raising back up when I felt her slid behind me. My eyes fell closed for a moment as her nipples brushed against my back while she pressed her warm lips to my neck. "I gotta go." I mumbled.
She nodded, arms sliding around my waist."I know." She whispered.. then dipped her hands under the covers.
I sighed contently under my breath when her fingers wrapped around me, stroking until I was hard again.
What was I doing man?
I flipped over and pressed her down with my chest before connecting our lips.. again. "I have to go, Di." I said for the second time, hoping she'd push me away because it felt like all my will had been wiped out.
She cupped my face and stared up at me with twice as much of a need as I had. "So go." She breathed out, simultaneously pulling me closer.
I couldn't.
So I didn't.
I kissed my way down her body, taking my time this time around. The first was.. rushed, hasty as if we knew time wasn't on our side. I already fucked up.. might as well take my damn time.
-
"You want something to eat?" I raised my eyebrows and looked over at her as I pulled up my jeans. "I can order something?"
"Um.. I'm okay." I looked down with a smile, fasting my belt. "Thank you though." I could hear her talking to room service as I slid into my shoes, a million and one thoughts flying through my brain.
I was unfaithful. But I enjoyed myself? I felt sick but also floaty. I wasn't stressed.. but I knew what I did was wrong. How could I feel two different ways at once? All about the same thing..
Part of me knew why I didn't feel so bad. Part of me had a feeling Robyn wasn't out there just playing 'humanitarian' with Hassan. It was merely a gut feeling, a hunch, but it was enough to keep me from losing my mind over what I just did.. three times.
"I need to take a shower.. listen, eight thirty." I looked up as saweetie carried my jacket over before sliding it on me. "Don't miss the bus." She mumbled and I nodded, smiling again when she rounded in front of me and fixed the collar.
"I won't." I said and pushed her back playfully. "Surprised you're walking.. didn't sound like you'd be able to."
She flipped me off while climbing back into the bed. "I was walking on my tippy toes." She mumbled and looked up at me through her eyelashes. "See you tonight?"
I nodded. "Yeah.. eight thirty." I said before grabbing my phone and starting out of the room. I stood outside of the door for a moment and exhaled heavily. Well.. twenty twenty huh?
Just as I stepped out from the door, I heard footsteps to my left and looked over to see Melissa walking with her head down. Oh no. I quickly turned and tried to push the door open, forgetting I needed a key.
"Shit," I hissed as I looked up to see her drawing closer. "Di," I whispered and knocked softly. "Di open the door." That's when I heard the sound of the shower. Goddamn it.
I quickly fixed myself up, making sure I looked.. non cheaterish. "Y/n?" I popped my head up and looked over as Mel eventually became only a few steps away. "What are you doing? I've been looking and calling for you all night."
"Uh.." I faked a dopey smile and shrugged. "I got lost." She sighed and grabbed my arm, pulling me a few doors down to the 'right' room. "Is she in there?" I questioned, her head silently shook. "Where is she?"
"I don't know." She opened the door and pushed me in. "She called Lewis and took off. She's not answering my calls either." I wonder where she took off to.. or to whom.
I dropped onto the bed and laid on my back, my eyes on the ceiling. I took the time (and silence) to evacuate my thoughts fully. I felt guilty but I didn't regret it. That was clear.
I'm not gonna lie but.. maybe old me had it good. I didn't care as much, I only worried about winning the next game.. finding the next girl.. acing the next test. I didn't worry about rather or not I was being cheated on, I didn't worry about pleasing anyone or ending friendships because of what another person thought.
I was happy then. I wasn't happy now.. well, I take that back. My kids made me extremely happy, giving them a good life made me even more happy but all this 'trust me trust me' stuff wasn't it.
Did I waste three years of my life on someone who would never change? Or am I looking in the mirror?
"What you thinkin' about, baby daddy?" I glanced up and saw Mel walk in before sitting on the edge of the bed while lightly slapping my leg. "You look sobered up."
"Yeah?" I kept my eyes on the ceiling, knowing if I looked at her for too long she'd be able to read the hell out of me. "Just tired, I guess." I stretched my arms above my head and glanced down to see her looking at her fingers as she spun her rings. "Has she changed to you?"
She looked up. "To be honest? Yeah.." So it wasn't just to me? "I'm not sure what the hell happened but I remember her going for a check up at the doctor.."
Wait what? I quickly sat up and gave her a confused look as she sighed and looked away. "What check up?" I questioned and she shook her head lightly. "Melissa.. what check up?"
"I don't know. I asked her and she said it was just a normal routine check up but that's when she started acting weird. I didn't put two and two together until a few days ago." I nodded slowly and looked away with a frown.
Was it possible something happened at the doctor? But what? I'm sure she would tell me if there was bad news, right? Something that was truly bad.
But even so, that wasn't an excuse to push me away.. right? That was more of a reason to let me in if something was wrong. She wasn't the type to keep secrets, especially shit to do with her health or whatever. So this revelation still had me at square one. Nowhere.
"Right," Was all I mumbled as I laid back down. "Well, I leave soon.. I still have a tour to do." She looked at my sympathetically as I slid my arms behind my head with a sigh. "Take care of her, alright?"
She cracked a smile and nodded before pushing my leg. "Ain't that your job?" I silently stared at her before closing my eyes. "Y/nn..?" She whispered but I simply shook my head.
"I'm sleepy, Mel. I'll talk to you later okay?" I heard a sigh leave her lips before she raised up, her footsteps fading.
"I know it may seem like she's given up on you.." she started and I opened my eyes to see her standing in the doorway with a sad look. "But please.. don't give up on her."
"How can I give up on something I don't even possess at this point?" Her eyes clouded with sympathy. That's more than what Robyn's been giving. I shook my head and rolled onto my stomach as I pulled out my phone. "Goodbye, Melissa."
She was silent for a second. "See you later, Y/nn." Then she left.
I took one last initiative.
Me: Bus leaves at 8:30. @ LAX shuttles.
Wife🥰💕: Read
Okay.. we'll see.
LAX
8:25
I walked around the outside of the bus with my phone clutched between my fingers. Five minutes. She had five minutes.
I don't know what I was expecting but I hoped she'd show up. It would prove she still cared, it would prove she wanted to work on us. If she didn't.. well..
I kicked the toe of my shoe into the ground as I looked up at the sky, watching a plane coast across the dark vast before getting lost in the clouds. I guess I kinda felt like the plane; shooting into the dark, trusting the pilot to guide me.
Only the pilot was my wife who seemed to forget what the instruction manual said.. as I did. In these terms, the instruction manual was our vows.
Going back to that day, I couldn't imagine us being at this point. I was so happy to marry her, call her my wife. That day was as magical as the decorations yet now.. the icy weather seemed to feel real now. It wasn't decor or props.
It was real.
"Hey," I looked up with a nod as the driver leaned out of the bus. "It's eight thirty, you about ready?"
I looked down at my phone and saw no notifications. At least none from her. "Couple more minutes bro, I'll be in there." He nodded and went back in just as my phone rang. I snapped my head down, sighing when I didn't see Wife plastered across the screen. "Hello?" I questioned as I answered the unknown number.
"Hi, is this Y/n Y/ln?" I raised my eyebrows at the professional ass tone. "This is Anne R. I'm a casting director based in New York."
"Okay.. this is she." I mumbled and leaned back against the side of the bus. "Casting director for acting?" She replied a yes and I cocked an eyebrow. The hell was she calling me for then? "With all due respect, I'm a dancer and I design clothes sometimes. Not act."
She laughed softly in response. "I'm aware of that but what we love with this show is that we bring in more than just actors. We have guest stars all the time."
"I'm sorry, what show is this again?"
"Power." Oh shit.. "We'd love for you to come in and read a part, determine if you'll be a good fit for it. If you would like, of course."
Me? Acting? In what fucking world? But I mean.. that would be dope wouldn't it? I guess I could keep expanding, I didn't have to just stick with dancing and designing. I could be on my Ciara shit and level up..
"Actually, I'd love to audition. Just give me the details and all of that. I'm currently on a tour though."
"Oh that's no problem." Anne said and I heard typing in the background. "Just let me know when your free days are and we can schedule you a flight to our offices."
Well damn.
We exchanged information, her telling me when I could come in after I let her know my day offs. I was really about to audition for a whole ass TV show. "Thank you, Y/n, we'll be in touch." After she hung up, I happily did a shimmy with my shoulders before looking down to save the day in my calendar. Then I saw the time
8:45
I frowned and glanced up, my eyes scanning the empty lot. She still wasn't here.. I sent her my location so I knew it had nothing to do with her not knowing.
She really didn't fucking care, did she?
I chuckled and clutched my phone with a nod. "So much for forever, huh?" I mumbled and lightly punched the side of bus. "Fuck it." With a huff, I climbed up the bus steps and clapped the drivers back. "Let's go." He nodded and closed the doors before putting the bus into drive, all while continued down the walkway.
"Hey, you okay?" Saweetie asked with a frown when she saw my face. "I saw the pictures but I don't think it's bad. It looks like it-"
"Wait what?" I mumbled and shook my head. "What pictures?" Her eyes widened and she turned away, starting to walk to the back. "Di come here- Diamanté."
I grabbed her arms and pulled her back into me, my eyebrows furrowing when she bit her bottom lip and looked up at me. "You can't grab me like that." She whispered.
My eyes rolled as I shook my head. "Not the time. What pictures are you talking about?" She pursed her lips before shrugging.
"I don't know, I said pictures?" This girl.. I slid my hand down her waist, feeling goosebumps raise on her skin from my touch. Good to know. Then without warning, I snatched the phone from her pocket and saw she didn't even have an passcode. "Y/n no-"
I clicked Instagram and she was still on the picture.
TMZ: Rihanna seen with business partner Hassan Jameel at the Ontario International airport
"What?" I mumbled, reading and rereading the words. "She went with him instead of me?" I whispered, my hand dropping slowly, the phone hanging loosely in my grasp.
"Y/nn maybe they just.." I held my hand up at whatever Saweetie would say to make me feel better but it wouldn't.
I guess this confirms it right? This was it? All for nothing?
I handed her phone back and silently climbed into my bunk, a heavy breath leaving me as I closed my eyes. There was no way this was how we could ended.. it didn't make sense.
This wasn't her.. this wasn't the Robyn I knew. She'd never do this.. I'd never do this.
Somewhere along the way we both lost something and I didn't know what or how or when it happened exactly. I just knew that it would never be the same.
So I sent one last message.
Me: i think we need a divorce.
Then I blocked her number. I didn't want any scrambled messages or frantic calls. If she wanted to talk, she'd meet me face to face and try as I had been trying. But for now, I was done chasing.
When a mouse chases cheese, his neck ends up in a trap. I was done being the mouse. For once, I'd be the trap.
____
it's not always as it seems.. there's always an undertone.