(Makii 's POV)
My whole body was shaking, internally or externally I couldn't really distinguish anymore.
I had already knocked several times on Baek Minho's apartment door but the was utter silence, not a single noise inside, and while I was considering the fact that he could be there but was ignoring me, my shaking was becoming even more severe.
Grasp yourself together, you are probably just overthinking.
Maybe he didn't hear the door.
Or he isn't home.
Yes, that must be it.
A slight rush of relief before my stress level went back to max.
Or maybe he is really ignoring you because you really hurt him, you piece of trash, stupid girl, ignorant and selfish scum.
I wish my thoughts would just stop until I knew what was going on.
Lately all I could do was overthinking to a point I felt restless even at night.
My eyes wandered over the door next to Minho's.
Mum was hospitalized again, so money is short for a while I don't even know how to help since we are still in debt right now.
Considering people always say stars live the good rich life, it was a flat-out lie, maybe if you are so popular that you could pay off the huge debut debt you start with, maybe even then you couldn't pay them off that easily but right now I am even more broke than before my life in this business.
And on top of that Sang-ji and Hyuk-jin are acting all weird around me when I call them since they don't know I am fake dating Joon-woon, it is like they are trying to half avoid me or maybe that I am running away from our troubles at home.
No maybe, not they aren't the kind of guys who would go an theorize about that.
I hope.
My head felt like bursting from all those thoughts and still there was one thing bothering me the most.
Minho couldn't have chosen a worse timing than at that day to talk about money issues, and on top of that I can't get that scene out of my head.
Every time I recalled it my heart felt like shattering again.
"I am the worst, I am such a horrible person", I could only bring out but again my eyes travelled to Mrs Kim's door.
It has been more than an hour and he didn't appear, I guess this is my last resort.
I dragged my body to her door and hesitated for moment, my fist shaking vigorously before I could bring it to make a weird sound on the door far-away from a proper knock sound.
The door opened in a swift so that Mrs Kim who was wearing a wonderful floral dress appeared right in front of me, switching her stern expression to a gentle smile.
"Welcome little girl, I never had expected to see you around this time. Can I help you? No, I want to help you", it was like that her brown and deep eyes were reading me completely, no need for words or explanation, the phrasing just confirmed that.
I feel pathetic for bothering a lady like her while she must have been busy.
"I just, want to ask something. Is Minho not home? I am knocking but he isn't answering the door so I assumed— ", the way I talked must have sounded like worried mess that she cut me off.
Her eyebrows crinkled in worry.
"So it was you knocking at his door for a while, I thought it was a stalker or something like that", she muttered before going on, "Minho leaves early in the morning and comes back pretty late in the evening, sometimes even at night time. I thought you would know, I kind of assumed you guys were close", her worried expression deepened even more.
My hands automatically shot up in defence.
But why?
There was nothing that needed any invalidation.
I guess from her perspective it seemed like Minho was close with us, or maybe...
No Minho is close, there is no denying to that.
Why did I even want to deny that?
It was the simplest thing to realize.
Like a dagger her words hit me, realizing that I probably tried to find excuses or maybe the kind of pain to not know his habits when we were supposedly close to each other.
He has some habits I know about but—
"Thanks for telling me I— uh, will try coming some other time", I lied while I already planned to sit in front of his door until he comes back.
"That is a new kind of side, little girl. You are pretty much a bad liar. Come in, it's better than waiting for another hour in the hallway", I felt heat rushing into my cheeks as she caught me red-handed.
I just bowed my head in gratitude and went in, it was like an order not a proposal.
The fresh smell of plants and tea rushed into my nose, a smell that felt like a place of relaxation inviting you to stay for more than hours.
She motioned that I should sit on one of the white fluffy-looking armchairs and placed a cup of tea in front of me that smelt like chamomile.
"Make yourself at home", she said with a soft voice, but I still couldn't stop the tension my body felt, constantly feeling that I have to be on alert.
Due to the company president and her rules, we must have grown more aware of our surroundings, our bodies already reacting on their own.
Never trust anyone, always pretend, always play your best role.
I guess my body is slowly reforming to these rules.
"Are you waiting for him to practice together?", she simply asked me.
"N-no, we aren't practicing privately anymore. For a long time now", I tried to laugh off the fact she still thought I was having dance lessons alone with Minho.
I would have died young if that would have been going on until now, since he focuses on the whole group now, he can't chew me out completely.
"Oh I see, it was kind of refreshing seeing him meet up with people regularly and on top of that not being in a bad mood. Reminds me of the old times when he still rented that apartment for the first time, he was so young and unexperienced. Not even knowing how to search for part-time jobs to pay off his rent. I still remember it was the same as now, he went out early and came back late. I was always wondering if he ever rested. But I can tell you he was cheeky young man with a sharp tongue but a lot of dreams and goals. The kind of guy you want to hate but just can't", Mrs Kim was lost in her storytelling about young Minho.
I could imagine him vividly, young much younger and with that attitude of his.
He was never good with words I guess, at least P-love Unnie always described it like that but it seems it had some truth behind it.
Mrs Kim kept talking for a while always slipping back to Minho, it felt somehow like he was her own son despite her nagging from time to time that he can be very cold and distanced somehow, her overall affinity to him seemed very big.
But the more I heard the more guilt piled up on my guilt stack that had already slowly faded away a bit by entering her apartment.
He worked hard...
Part-time and all that stuff.
I guess that's why he kept nagging at me three years ago while I couldn't manage my 'lame schedule' that's how he called it.
For me it always seemed he just mocked me or made fun of me, but he actually seemed to know what it meant to have a busy schedule.
"He always came in with a different uniform every month. Waiter, cleaner or, ah yes, there was this one time where he even took home that gigantic bear costume."
Guilt, guilt, guilt.
It was eating me up inside.
Saying those words in the heat of the moment.
I really felt like the worst scum existing on earth even making me wish to just die right here and now.
"Oh, did I catch you with that? Did you imagine Minho in a bear costume?", I actually didn't but her face brightening up in excitement made me feel even worse that I nodded with an uneasy smile.
Even if it was a little, I tried to imagine just that, to make her happy at least and sincerely I had hoped to see Minho in a bear costume, even if it was not the time for that.
"I think his expression and the bear costume would be a nice change in our daily lives, huh?", I could any ask back.
Mrs Kim leaned forward only some inches away from my face.
"Then let me ask you, what is your relationship with Minho?", with that she totally threw me off.
What—
Why would she ask something like that?
"I don't quite understand why you would ask me that, I mean just how it looks like", my voice slowly faded away.
"Then what does it look like? Because a girl who can listen and talk about the same guy for hours, I can't imagine how I should feel about that", she grinned before leaning back, "at least that's what I would say if I didn't know you for a while, you and those girls", my heart was making little jumps, that's what Mrs Kim's sudden change in questions and behaviours cause in me.
"But why should I interrupt you when you look so happy talking about him, Mrs Kim?", I asked her honestly.
She gazed at me with a soft expression, a little smile forming on her lips.
"Hmm, are you being considerate towards a charming lady like me?", she asked me back and I felt a little trace of Minho's behaviour sticking to her.
"Don't worry, I know you have a boyfriend already. I won't go as far to tease you that much. You seem like you are in a happy relationship", those words cut deep into me, like a reality check.
Truly, I already have my place at Joon-woon's side considering the perspective of the outside world, there is no mistake.
It became so natural to be beside him as well, but still it takes me by surprise that I seem so happy to them, while my real experience in relationships is basically zero.
"Yes, I am a lucky girl, sometimes I really feel like I don't deserve Joonie", I averted my gaze and laughed it off, on the surface while internally I thought that maybe Joon-woon would never ever consider a trashy person like me, someone who could even hurt Baek Minho that deep for him to suddenly vanish.
"Every human deserves to be loved my child, love is surely a complicated thing you feel attracted to a person so suddenly that you can't even fathom why you fell for a guy in the first place", her expression changed, like she was rather talking to herself than to me.
I managed to change the topic and talk about all kinds of things, from baking to shopping.
Until I heard the door to the hallway open, my body reacted on its own shooting up in an instant.
"Thanks for everything Mrs Kim, it's dark I need to go", I bowed and just realized how dark it has gotten outside while Mrs Kim made my stay as comfortable as possible.
But my whole body was shaking again, not bothering to make me almost trip over my own feet as I made my way towards the hallway catching Minho as he was about to open his own door.
He turned around giving me a judging but still apathetic look, probably because my movements seemed erratic or because I was simply loud, or maybe even my whole presence on its own.
"M-Minho", I stuttered while trying to catch my breath.
It was weird though, seeing Minho in a state I have never experienced before when I looked closer.
His body motion, his face, even the vibe he was giving off was very odd and... intimidating.
I took a closer look at his eyes which usually were lively, always a little bit angry or when he was around others you could see how they had a little fold when he used a fake smile.
But they were far away, not here, not lively filled with something cloudy.
There was this gloomy atmosphere around him as well, that you just couldn't ignore.
Maybe if it was someone else but not Minho, the one who always describes himself as amazing or the one who everyone describes as sparkling, because even when Minho's prince mode is off, he still has that natural vibe, but not now.
Whatever it was hate, sorrow and other things I couldn't really tell but they seemed negative, they weren't words which were used to describe him but now they suddenly turned into just that kind of words.
And he realized too that I had realized, didn't even bother to ask when he lowered his hands from the handle and put them in his pockets before turning to me.
"Well, it seems like all of you are all the same in the end", he muttered in a low, cold and very deep voice causing a shiver to go down my spine.
I didn't quite understand those words, and I hoped I just would have imagined them.
"Especially you, I thought at least you were a bit different and wouldn't judge me, but for you all it seems so natural. Things I have which I gained by my own effort", to be honest I couldn't bring out any words.
I wanted to tell him so much, I wanted to apologize, I wanted to explain but my throat was tight, and my tongue had betrayed me.
He removed his hands from his pockets, his hair was all messy strands falling down like withering flowers, the usual trace of styling products was totally gone.
Minho surely wasn't a person who would slack in any aspect of his life, he was someone who showed his best side meaning he was not a person to simply pull up his hood of his hoodie when he was around private people.
It was not his style.
And still—
And still, he did all of those things right now. Looking different unlike his usual self, that even his ever-present self-confidence had disappeared completely.
This looks dire, I should just vanish!
But vanishing would only benefit me, I don't even deserve that.
I need to fix— whatever it was I need to fix it.
"Min— ", there was no chance for me to finish my call for his name, he already had grabbed my face with one hand, even though his movement seemed slow and lazy I didn't see it coming.
He squished my face so I couldn't continue talking and kept his distance at certain distance from me.
Odd...
Whenever I remembered Minho, even in his most jerkish times he was always someone who was rather close.
No matter if we practiced or talked or were all hanging out, with everyone he was close.
A distance very unfamiliar, he never needed any distance since he was a person who could hide things almost perfectly if he wanted to.
Why now?
"Don't even go on blabbering, all right? It's always the same."
My expression probably changed since there were no words needed for him to start talking.
"Why is that all of you look at me like that?! Tell me I have it nice, tell me that I am naïve and childish, not understanding a single thing?", his eyes changed somehow.
"What do you guys even know?", he was very frustrated and didn't bother to consider that he was squeezing harder in the process of it.
It felt very uncomfortable, it didn't really hurt yet, but still—
I don't really get him, I want to understand.
I want to know what it really was that was bothering him, so we could talk it out.
What did he mean with you guys, until now I thought it was completely my fault.
"I just don't get you sometimes. You are not honest", it slipped out of me with my mind being a whole mess and at the same time I was slightly afraid of the person in front of me.
That he might snap, that he might break, that I would never be able to get Minho back to how he was.
"Honest?", he started to chuckle, holding one hand in front of his mouth before his eyes turned into a judging gaze.
"Then let me hear what you want to tell me that I am not honest with, I have been freaking honest this whole time, but what about all of you playing games?
You, my brother, my mother, basically everyone.
No wait, besides that old hag— but that's a statement for itself, all of you treating me like nasty bug", a glint in his eyes appeared before we heard shuffling behind the door next to us.
He grabbed my arm and pulled me in his apartment that he had already unlocked, he clasped a hand over my mouth and behind the closed door we heard a door opening instead.
In a low voice he whispered, "this conversation is over, if you tell anyone about this, trust me I will make plans to make you feel just as pathetic as I do."
First it was shock that overcame by his sudden actions, being this close while those words sounded so harsh.
The closeness of his voice was telling me he was right there but at the same time it felt I made things even worse, pushed him even farther away.
"I will let you go, as soon as that nosy woman is gone and clears her suspicion. Until then don't talk, got me?", I nodded.
The last thing we need is to include Mrs Kim in all of this, and who knows on which side she is?
She may sell something to the media, I don't know a thing about her.
What I have learned over time and due to the company president is that you can't be fooled by how a person presents herself to you.
On top of that if even Minho tells me we should keep this a secret while being her neighbour for year then...
He let go of me, distancing himself and the sudden smell of soap and instant noodles vanished in just seconds.
I tried to hold back my impulse to talk and he at the same time was on his defence watching me suspiciously with crossed arms.
This takes me back how things were when we first met, I kind of see how much has developed until now.
A rush of loneliness overfilled me, I couldn't bring myself to look at him and it felt like he as well looked away.
Until I felt something flurry grazed my leg.
Will!
I crouched down extending my hand towards his little cute nose, already much bigger than I had seen him months ago while Will came closer purring loudly as he sat in front of me.
Are you trying to comfort me?
Or do you want me to speak up?
My uneasiness grew even more as I heard Minho shuffle, sounding like he walked around and more far away.
Will turned his head towards the sound and so did I, seeing that he went straight to his room and closed the door.
This is weird, this is totally weird.
So, I have to stay put until I can get out while we can't even talk?
It seems like Will was staring at me intensely now, I probably shouldn't talk to him since Mrs Kim could hear me right away, at least she did when we visited Minho that time.
But there were no words needed, Will turned around and waited for me to follow him until I was in front of Minho's door.
In an instant I distanced myself.
If he comes out and sees me, he will think I am a clingy creep...
Will instead sat down in front of the door and pushed his paw under it.
I know this might not be the time to wonder if Minho would come out if I started to sing the 'do-you-want-to-build-a-snowman?' song from that movie.
No in fact, he would probably kick me out the second I would start singing it.
In movies everything seemed easier.
Since I didn't know if I could sit down anywhere, I just plopped down on the floor and waited for Mrs Kim to lie low.
It took an hour or so until Minho came out and gave me an annoyed glance.
"She turned the lights off on her balcony thirty minutes ago and there is no sound", he muttered and he picked up Will and pushed him in his room, "time for you to go."
It was not meant in a mean way, rather he sounded very tired and exhausted, even a bit irritated.
Maybe now—
He strode to the door and as he was about to open it, I grabbed his arm, causing him to turn to me with a mixed expression of anger and surprise.
"W-Wait", I could only bring out in a stutter.
A second ago I was really determined to talk this out and grab my chance but suddenly being confronted with that gaze and feeling Minho right next to me felt too surreal.
"There is something I need to tell you, I know now is not the best time but", I was about to tear up.
What did I want to tell you anyway?
Seeing you like this would you even think about forgiving me?
"No surely this is the worst timing ever", he hissed and looked away.
"We can talk this out, I know there is a lot going on and I know you, you probably don't—", he pushed me away and had the darkest expression I had ever seen on Minho's face.
"You don't know a single thing about me, get out now", he couldn't yell because of Mrs Kim, but I think if there was a possibility to do so, he would have yelled right now.
It was written on his face.
The hate, the sorrow, the loneliness.
I was shaking due the fact I knew those feelings too well, but I grabbed my own hand to stop myself.
Truly this is not the time, and I didn't think this through.
I acted out of sheer impulses and feelings of guilt.
But this is not what I personally would want someone to do to me as well.
He opened the door and pulled my sleeve to push me out.
"I really don't have anything to say to you, and it seems like you don't have either. Call someone to pick you up at least", and with that he closed the door with no noise.
I was moving but I didn't feel like I was controlling my own body.
The change of scenery from the apartment complex to a cold aired playground, to a busy night city with no transitions in between and the only thing I was thinking about.
You messed it up, you messed it up, you surely messed it up!
"Miss are you alright? You have been standing here for a while the traffic light went green for the third time", someone had tapped my shoulder and I almost screeched.
"I-I am fine, I am totally fine", I nodded and crossed the street mingling myself in between a crowd of people to feel like I was part of something or at least to feel my body instead like a ghost.
I grabbed my hat and pulled it down violently.
I totally messed it up!
***
Several days had passed and I still felt very numb, guilt eating me up and many scenes replaying in my head, over and over again.
Minho's several negative emotions popping up just like that taking me from one negative emotion to the other myself.
From guilt, to self-hatred to sorrow to anxiety and back again to guilt, looping over and over again.
"You useless Unnie! I told you to save me from this villain already!", Varoe was standing in front of me shaking me heavily as she shoot glares to the other Varoe who was smirking self-satisfied as she patted her back.
"Come on, I only told you some old stories and called you cute names— ", the Maknae cut her off, letting go of me as she approached her only inches away from her face.
"Never call me cute again, I am not cute", her voice was not as threatening as she hoped it would be and I had a bad feeling that I would be soon part of this discussion and tried to turn away.
"Tell her I am not cute!", she pulled my sleeve and I turned away.
"Hey, tell her I am not cute", again she tried to peek in my face.
The problem is she is cute and plays tough.
"Oh man, that's a clear and mighty response I would say you little cutie", the other girl chuckled and Varoe kept staring at me.
"You know I might not know what is going on, but as soon as you sort your things out, you will pay me back for this", she muttered lowly so only I could hear her and turned back to her rival.
Even though she was clearly her friend since the other girl invited her to this rehearsal for the next comeback stage.
"I am about to show you how to talk to your elders! I am one year older than you", she ran off chasing the girl sharing the same name as her, probably both of them needed to get rid of some steam and they seemed to be a perfect match.
"Quite noisy", the actual person that invited me here joined me now as she was rubbing of some sweat with a towel around her shoulders.
Was it that noisy?
Maybe for someone who wasn't used to commotion all the time, probably.
Even Minho got used to—
My mood dropped instantly.
"Hello, can you like come back for a second? Why are you spacing out so much lately?", Nissa was pulling my cheek while plopping down next to me on a broken speaker.
"Spacing out? Me? Well I always space out, kind of", I tried to avoid the stare of a person I befriended since the day we met and now we kind of stick together all the time, of course she would realize somehow.
"That might be true, but this is kind of different", she narrowed her eyes and came closer, observing me frankly like someone who was about to spill the beans.
"You must be tired, right? It's the usual things you know. So how are preparations going?", I asked her to avoid the topic and she leaned against the wall drinking a bit of her sports drink.
"Kind of good? I mean it's always the same but it's weird since this time I got you around", she smiled over to me and I looked surprised.
"Do you mean there is a difference? There are a lot of other celebrities here", she shook her head immediately.
"You know there is a difference between them and you. I mean I get along with them but getting along is not supporting each other or being friends, if you get me", those words made me wonder if Minho was someone I got along with or if he already considered us a friend.
Maybe for him, especially I was a nuisance he was simply trying to go with the flow and not bother too much about it.
"There it is again, by the way I heard— ", before she could end her sentence I watched how Canon entered the stage in elegant clothes that still didn't look like something she would wear on-stage.
"TROUBLES are having their comeback too?", I asked Nissa without taking my eyes off Canon who was adjusting the mic.
"Yes, I heard their new member is a song machine, she is kind of amazing to write all those songs which were approved immediately by their company", maybe from the outside it looked like that.
Canon an amazing songwriter and new member of TROUBLES, an elegant and chic looking young woman about to start on another level.
"Ladies and gentlemen, TROUBLES with their new song 'Until the end'!", the moderator screamed into mic.
"Sheesh she will never stop that, will she?", I heard Nissa complain next to me as she rubbed one hand against her ear.
Seems like we will turn deaf before age gets us when this goes on.
The melody started, Canon and Lin were ready, and it seemed like Ren wasn't around this time.
But for me it looked like Canon and Lin got along so well.
My chest hurt, especially seeing Lin with her, the one who tried to destroy RisingStar with that fake attitude of hers.
Making excuses for Canon was already hard enough the more I watched her right now, but I still had that little hope inside of me, but trying to make some for Lin was even worse.
How could I possibly not hate her for giving off the vibe that she had absolute control over us and especially her relationship to Canon now?
And still I tried my best to wash off all those negative feelings I had against her.
All the suspicion, all the pain, all the manipulation.
I had hoped that even if It was a bit, that Lin was a good person too, that a little light of hope could maybe lead her one day to change into someone she can show the outside world.
Or maybe at least that she would show her true personality, that's thousand times better than playing innocent good fellow.
Right at that moment Lin gave me a side glance, heaved her chin up and gave me disgusted look.
Oh it seems she isn't really holding back, maybe I was wrong all the way until now.
It will be fine, she has her reasons we didn't do anything bad, right?
Until they song started my mind was still able to bear but—
Didn't you know that eyes deceive?
All you saw,
All you had known,
Might not have been like it seemed.
Humans pain you,
An enduring kind of pain,
And still you see,
It is all the same.
My tears dried a long time ago,
I am not the same girl I was before.
Cry and bend,
Until the end.
But it won't help you anyway
All the suffering I had,
You didn't see,
But still you talked it bad,
Like you would have been me.
Cry and bend,
Until the end.
But they wouldn't listen anyway.
When their help didn't arrive,
It was the truth,
Which held you alive.
And when it seemed,
Too good to be true,
That is where,
It all broke from anew.
Now, come on try your best
And cry until the end.
Cry and bend,
Until the end.
But your crying will be in vain!
Don't say I didn't warn you all,
But your senses,
Deceived you like a thick wall.
Canon and Lin bowed, drenched in sweat because their performance was...
It was very emotional, it was like they wanted to sing off their pain and agony, just for a short while make someone realize what they had been going through before putting their mask back on and resenting them.
I had that ominous feeling, the feeling I had back then when Minho stood in front of me completely different than usual.
Deeply lost in thoughts I didn't even realize Canon had left the stage until our gazes met.
With all my last effort and strength I gave her a smile, a smile that would assure her that I still believe in her and want her to come back, no matter what.
But just as I mustered up all my courage to do so she gave me a disgusted expression and whipped her hair before walking on and leaving the area Nissa and I were sitting.
Something heavy weighted upon me, something I realized but pushed away while she was singing.
She had been staring at me while singing this song.
And I tried to deny it but—
What if that someone she directed that song to me?
My last bit of strength was about to crumble down, but I still managed to somehow not burst into tears or fainting from all the mental stress I have been going to.
Instead I just felt like in a daze.
Oh man that just can't be happening.
"Oh wow, seems like you are not all buddy- buddy anymore", the voice I wanted to hear the least was resounding in my ears as I looked up and was confronted with Lin's crystal clear blue eyes that could suck you up any moment and fake smile so wide, you could basically rip off any moment if you pushed her buttons.
I could have said all kind of things.
I wanted to say, "come on you are not her friend to begin with" or "well are you all buddy-buddy?" and even worse stuff but I was just not in the mood or maybe I was even afraid that it could back-lash right away.
That maybe Canon even replaced us...
So, the thing I did I ignored her only to hear her scoff and stomp away.
"Oh wow, maybe I should tell her my piece of mind as well, what a cranky— ", I pulled Nissa back as she rose from her seat ready to fight Lin head-on.
"Don't mind her, it wouldn't lead you to anything talking to her", maybe it would even damage her own image.
"Canon was kind of different today, I wonder if that Lin girl rubbed her the wrong way", she crossed her arms while leaning back again.
My mind went back to Minho as he had the same disgusted expression as Canon did just some minutes ago.
"Do you think so?", I asked absent-minded.
"Minho delayed his comeback too", she muttered.
Ugh, Minho again...
"Definitely something off, yes, yes!", she gave me a forceful pat on my back and I turned to face her, "Stop playing it off."
"Play off what?", I exclaimed.
"There is something going on, the way your face changes whenever I mention two names", she looked around before leaning closer and whispering into my ear, "I am quite the observant type and I know that RisingStar and Baek Minho were close, friends even he said that at a party once when people asked him why he would defend RisingStar."
All kinds of feelings were crawling up deep down from my stomach up to my chest until they closed up in my throat, the strongest all of them was guilt.
Imagining how Minho stood up for us, even lying to keep people from suspecting us.
I wanted to scream, scream and never stop until my chords rip, to stop this feeling of guilt, not only Minho, no it was not only due to what happened.
Everyone, I was deceiving everyone.
Even dating, even Joon-woon he would never like someone like me and now he has to pretend to be my lover so we all would benefit, I took away his chance to love the girl he likes.
I lied to my family, to everyone outside, to our fans, my brothers, every single one even to Minho and Nissa.
"Well, you seem to be pretty excited about my problems, huh? The one thing I can't talk about is Canon and I am not sure why you are mentioning Minho", I muttered while trailing off.
"Wow what a bad liar", she widened her eyes and smiled, "but I minded to ask you, since he seemed a bit weird before he announced the delay of his comeback everyone was anticipating so badly. I am kind of his fan and respect him as a fellow artist", what she was telling me is that I should know what is going on?
"It seems he is well-liked by everyone, that people are waiting for him on the other hand he works hard, really hard. At least that's what I heard", I still need to show that we are not too close," I guess even someone like Minho who never failed to move the stage, needs a timeout, for whatever reason", the last one gave another injection of guilt that was like an overdose to my heart.
I don't deserve to talk about him while I might be the one who lead him to this.
"I always thought Minho was a really nice guy and friendly, the thing is he still had that vibe that you can't come too close like he was too sparkly to approach, if you get me?", I just nodded and she went on.
It was somehow understandable to not be able to approach someone who seemed out of league in your eyes, maybe if the circumstances would have been different, we would never had met him or spoke to him the first place.
Minho's and RisingStar's encounter must have been destiny.
The only possible answer for me.
"So I always watched him from far away or just gave him short exchanges of encouragements and stuff, but I was totally nervous to be honest I probably must have sounded off he always smiled though. He seemed like those prince-like types you see in dramas", she sighed and gave me a short meaningful glance.
"Not your type, right?", I giggled and she laughed while shaking her head and leaning in closer.
"You know me, if Minho would have been the fragile and broken type of guy who needs someone to lean against, like damn I would totally go for him and try my best to catch him. Chances would be high that our companies agree on a dating contract too", even though I knew she was joking something seemed to twist in my stomach.
Well, Minho is kind of fragile and broken—
"Uh, but maybe he is just that type. I mean he delayed his concert for the first time ever and he somehow has a tragic backstory", she turned to me with an interested look on her face that I somehow couldn't understand.
"You are frowning, was I taking it too far?", I shook my head and smiled helplessly.
"Too far? I guess the way you say it he might be your type", after I had said those words the feeling in my stomach started to weight even more.
Not the guilt, but something else and I wasn't really sure what it was knowing that people could be interested in the side that Minho never showed anyone besides RisingStar.
"Will you help me out and give me advice then? Come on cheer me on a little and I might really try it", uneasiness maybe that's what it was that made me feel this way.
Uneasy?
Nissa is a nice girl and maybe if she is really interested in Minho, I should help out.
Maybe that's what he needs...
"The thing is Minho is not really... how to phrase it", I stopped for a second to no say too much or make too many secrets, "he is a perfectionist if you see his interviews he always states very frankly that he puts a lot of effort in every single step, with a keen eye you can see it on-stage. Maybe a bit too much of a perfectionist and he nags when something is off that' what I heard from people who collaborated with him. Then it seems he is not the emotional type and you— ", she cut me off and pulled close by my shoulders, turning me so I would face her properly.
It seems all this time I really didn't face her properly, being lost in my own world.
"Dude, that was a joke stop being so serious about that. I know when it comes to people and advice you are always very serious about it but I am not interested in Baek Minho", with a frown she let go of me and I didn't know what it was clearly but again something changed.
I just watched her and nodded.
I am really off lately, all because of that stupid mistake I did.
Almost feels like a flashback when Lin got to me.
A good for nothing who didn't change.
"Y-Yeah you like soft and emotional guys, I am sorry I got so serious. I don't even know why? I mean you said advice and I rambled on", my voice trailed off even more and she laughed loudly.
"Man, you always fuss about the smallest stuff but that's what I like about you. You take everything serious that considers other people even jokes about advices for a love that doesn't exist", she leaned back and stared up to the ceiling were the bright lamps of the backstage looked like big stars above us.
I as well imitated her, losing track of time the more I stared up and talked to her.
"Maybe I meddle into people's business a bit too much", it slipped out of me and she giggled.
"Well better meddle in than don't care at all? Some people need the right amount of meddling in even though they don't show, like me!"
I couldn't help but smile.
That's enough moping then if she says so it might at least have helped at some points.
"My type", she started again and sounding a bit hesitant, "maybe I am a bit daring to say that", but she didn't finish her sentence and I looked at her already aware what she wanted to say and without any further thought I answered in her stead, "Would it be Joon-woon?"
With a surprised look on her face and a bit of satisfaction she smiled, "you never fail me, small bean."
The only thing I could return was an annoyed glance due to that comment, people teasing me about my height will never stop to get to me.
She nodded and made sounds, as if she was very pleased with my answer, like an old man when you solved his riddle.
"Are you done and want to enlighten me, you ever-growing beanpole", her smile was wiped out in an instant and she shrugged.
"Oh well maybe you don't want to know", as she said that I pulled her close by her collar this time not being able to hold back my curious instincts.
"Come on, spill it you are hiding something", I hissed and she lifted her hands in defeat.
"Yes, yes my lady. The thing is you are dating Joon-woon it is kind of weird to say that to the person who dates him", she avoided my gaze, "even though I kind of am doubting that part."
"Are you going on about your theories again?", I loosened my grip and joked so she wouldn't suspect anything and just drop the idea.
But knowing her she just would dig deeper.
"They are not theories okay? I researched and proved them, most of them... okay ten percent but still!", the more she talked the weaker her statement became.
"Let me explain", I really didn't want her to go that far but if I would cut her off now she will suspect me even more.
I simply crossed my arms, lifted one eyebrow and started at her curiously.
"Oh, go on. I am all ears."
"Sure", and she cleared her throat knowing she would now start the biggest statement ever, "the thing is you seem to be the jealous type when it comes to someone you like. It starts with actors and even characters from series, especially when people misunderstand them. But why for some reason whenever people talk so much about your boo, you just don't seem to mind at all? I mean of course we are stars, this is our business and there will always be people who go to other extents to meet your darling but never once you complained about that or seemed to talk about him. I mean we are kind of close, right? We talk about all kinds of stuff but it just doesn't strike me like you see him in romantic way, I may even go as far as to assume your companies— ", I didn't want to hear more, it made me angry somehow.
That the way she described it made me look like the worst partner you could have.
At the same time I was trying to calm down, the fact she doesn't know a thing about Joon-woon and his circumstances and talks so carefree like that about him, I didn't know why it got to me like that...
"I didn't talk so I wouldn't get jealous when people agree with me about his special sides. I wouldn't take it since he is part of my life now", and with that Nissa leaned back in surprise.
"Wow", she just muttered, "no way you wouldn't go that far?"
I polished my best poker-face and stared at her, "I will let you think what you want. But since it's you, it doesn't bother me as much as the other when they swoon over Joon-woon", I shrugged.
"I am special then", with a wriggle of her eyebrows she nudged me and I nodded.
"Ah well still I think you even seemed more jealous when it came to Minho. Maybe I should really switch since Joon-woon is taken, I mean he is even more close since we attend the same events most of the time", I didn't even realize that I had asked something until she answered.
"Oh, we debuted around the same time, I guess. I was on the younger side of the debut campaign. It is natural that we are seeing each other quite often, want an autograph? Maybe if I ask he may grant me that wish since he is so busy to do— ", I somehow wanted to stop listening.
All I could do was smile until we switched topics.
What could I have said?
Nice to be you?
Give it your best?
No, it all sounded off.
They way she talks about Minho is not right, she really can't know him that much, right?
The people who were around him at that time were—
"Come on we need to go, or the restaurant will close up", she pulled me up from my, not real, seat.
"Sorry", I just muttered and didn't even know what I apologized for.
"We all get tired once in a while", and it was her own way of saying that everybody has a bad day and thought they really don't want to speak out loud.
***
Just how many days did pass already without me making any move to talk to Minho or avoiding my Unnies to not bother them even more.
They have already enough on their plates.
Mina is still recovering slowly, I hope she will be fine soon.
If she finds out what is really going on with Minho she would be probably heart-broken, she really grew fond of him with their shared love for the same snacks.
I sighed.
Whatever I was thinking of it all either lead to Canon, Minho, Joon-woon or other things that were too complicated to understand in the end.
"If I dare to say, Joon-woon is kind of my type."
I shook my head vigorously.
It is normal that stars have many people who look up to them or find the attractive there is nothing more to it.
In the end I am at his side, so he will be safe for a while for people to find out his circumstances.
All those thoughts were making my head burst with pain and dizziness.
Nissa's words circling around every time.
May it be her jokes about Minho or the things she said about Joon-woon.
On top of that whenever Joon-woon was calling nowadays I felt really uneasy, I wondered if everything would matter what I said, to the company president, to him, to anyone.
As if I had used a spell, my phone vibrated and the so-called troublesome guy's name appeared on the display.
I hesitated for a moment and my hand hovered over the red button.
Clenching my fist I decided to man up and take the call.
I can't run away, what would It bring me?
And why should I even run away?
What was there to run away from?
"Hello?", I could only ask knowing already who it was, the respond I gave was not the smartest.
"Oh. O-Oh!", the voice sounded absent at first and changed into an excited and surprised tone.
I couldn't help but overthink if I had scared him or weirded him out in any way.
Always, those were always the thoughts whenever we pretended to be all lovey-dovey, talk outside and they even appeared now when we talked privately.
"Sorry, haha. I-I thought it would switch to mailbox again so I didn't expect to hear your voice... N-Not that I am not happy to hear your voice it's quite the opposite, I was worried", Joon-woon's soothing and gentle voice made me wonder why I was uneasy in the first place and I could somehow understand that most of the girls who swoon over him who don't even know this kind of side of him.
On the other hand, I felt bad for making him worry, I forgot that I was not on a solo run anymore.
If she would have known, she probably would have scolded me that company president.
Pretend like it's real, easy to say if you are not the one doing the job.
"I was a bit busy, sorry I didn't want to make you worry and with that I made you worry after all. So, how's business going?", what a lame response I sounded like the most unromantic partner ever.
Business Makii, for real?
Thank goodness he couldn't see my face right now as I was slapping my forehead with no sound.
"We have been busy these last weeks, so I am sorry that I didn't meet up with you a lot. That's why I was actually calling. Since I have a bit of free-time these next days I wanted to take you out for dinner, or... something else whatever would make you feel happy...", his voice sounded a bit excited but it faded away more and more as her reached the end of his sentence.
My mood was not the best, especially because of these last weeks.
It has been a more than year that we debuted again and all these things happening, over and over again is just too much to bear all the time.
Give me a break already.
But there was his voice on the other end, and all I was thinking about was to just deny every unnecessary meetings with him.
That poor guy has so much on his plate, I don't really want to contribute to that.
I would just bother him, since even I reached my limits in hiding my exhaustion at this point.
"Ah, well. We have a tight schedule lately and I am on a diet", which was not really a lie but not as bad as it sounded either, beside the diet part it was horrible, " eating you would endanger my plans. I am already happy that you are calling me."
There was a sigh on the other end of the call, almost as if he was annoyed or exhausted.
Now you have done it, don't mess up again, don't—
"You know, we are kind of partners now, if there is a problem or something bothers you... you can rely on me from time to time. I mean even if I am not the manliest and strongest person, I still can do stuff too, so making up such an excuse is really worrying me even more", he made a little pause and chuckled gently, "I mean you can't reject me too often, can you?"
I stopped in my tracks for a minute to compute what he meant with that.
Even Joon-woon realized that and tried to explain it to me when I failed to give an answer to that question, "People would get suspicious, don't you think? Usually people who are in love are always longing to be together, it wouldn't hurt to meet up a bit more or call regularly. The more we pretend it's real the more realistic it would seem to others. About your diet, I am very sorry but I would still want to spoil you a little bit while sneaking out, of course only if you made up your mind for it."
My head was a mess.
What was real and what was not?
Joon-woon always was an honest, gentle, soft and kind-hearted guy, there wouldn't be any difference in how interacts with me from back then, but still it was weird to hear him say words like longing, partners and love.
It didn't really feel like those words were directed to me, because it was all fake, right?
We are only doing this for the company and for our bands, right
Someone like me and Joon-woon—
My first relationship to be fake.
I held back my tears and faked a smile for myself while I sat on top of a jungle gym in the park close to our dorm.
Whatever I tried, and even if I wanted to, I just couldn't rely on Joon-woon all the time, since I knew his circumstances and the weight that was on his shoulders.
The last thing I tried to do these days is sorting my feelings, because whatever I did everybody who passes by just rumbles them up even more, I am just fed up with the fact that I can't sort out a damn thing.
"Makii, was that a bit too much? I am sorry if I trespassed and— ", his over-worried and hurried way of speaking made me react in time and therefore lead to a response out of instinct not leaving a place of previous thorough contemplation.
"You know, I want to go and visit your mother. We should really visit her soon, all of us, together", a whole-hearted sentence, the only thing I was certain about.
"Oh", the surprise and overpowering was obvious in that one reaction, "yes we really should do that!"
I felt relieved that it didn't seem like a rushed or intrusive idea.
"But can I assume you mean... more than you and I, with all together?", his voice sounded very delighted but not at the same time.
I already smiled as I wanted to list casually all the members.
"You know the girls from my band, your guys, your president, Tak too and— ", I immediately stopped in my tracks.
I was listing people out of habit, I wanted to list them all and finish off with Minho but he doesn't know that Minho was constantly part of our life for these past years.
For him it seemed like Minho is someone I know through him.
Tak and his president wouldn't make him suspicious but if I would have said Minho, even Joon-woon would question it.
And still the fact that I easily and out of habit count him in made me wonder.
"And?"
"Uh... Ten", the worst lie ever but I still hoped it would make it.
"Ten? Ah"¸ he sounded sad and relieved at the same time, "you know we can't contact him right now since he kind of vanished but I am happy that you are still remembering him like we do. It means a lot. It would be really nice indeed. I will make sure to find a day for that. Oh, excuse me, a meeting is coming up. I will text you later."
And with Joon-woon paid his rushed farewells with a lot of apologizing and left me staring at my locked display now.
I let it slip into my dress pocket and buried my head in my knees, as the heat of summer was engulfing me slowly.
That's it, that's it all.
Enlightenment finally reached to the deepest of my mind, the undeniable act that Minho was a big part of our lives too, just like RisingStar was, just like Tak or Metro was.
In these past years full of up and downs, the people who were there, the ones who reached out to us.
He was there too.
Until I had realized it my rose-coloured summer dress had dark parts, soaked by the liquid that was flowing out of my eyes, no sounds only tears.
My head hurts from all my thoughts, my chest feels constantly tight and here I was cowering alone in an abandoned park, early in the morning in the middle of summer where people usually would either try to escape the overbearing summer heat or enjoy a wonderful day.
Not people like us, not stars.
That reality already hit us hard back then.
But now on top of that I am someone who has become fake.
My first relationship is a fake one, my first lover is fake.
The precious first romance that I had always imagined in my head was burnt away!
"I can't, I need to fix this", I just muttered.
Someone made sounds as if he was in trouble before I heard a splash and some worried mutter.
"No, now I have done it", a familiar voice.
I raised my head carefully adjusting my fake glasses, wiping away my tears and saw that even the dark circles on my dress had dried away with the enormous heat.
A guy with ruffled chestnut hair that was looking like he just woke up, was scratching his head while he was staring at his sandals full with... what was that?
"Sheesh, it was my favourite pair of sandals and my ice cream is gone too. Man, that sucks", I heard him sigh with his weirdly soothing and easy-going voice.
"Are you okay?", I asked weakly before I even could think about it.
He turned around, with sunglasses on his head, brown eyes widening in surprise.
I jumped of the jungle gym while holding my dress so it wouldn't fly away, and handed him a tissue for his sandals, as I realized that, that guy must have bought about five balls of ice cream on one cone, I pretty much gave him my whole package that I had in my pocket.
"...", he just stared at me and took the tissues.
"D-Don't worry just take them all, I don't really need them", I laughed helplessly, and he tilted his head to the side.
"I know you", he nodded now with certainty, "thank you, you seem to love help people, huh?", a wide smile formed on his face.
I looked closer, and closer and it took me a while to realize who it was.
"The funny guy with the weird shirt who asked us those questions", it slipped out.
His expression changed into one of deep thought, "yeah but the shirt is pretty much a masterpiece, even though I ripped it the other day. Well nothing really lasts in life", he shrugged and started to wipe his sandals.
I couldn't help but hold back a laughter.
"Can I ask you, why a cute lady like you would be crying all alone on top of a jungle gym on such a beautiful day?", he didn't even look up as he seemed to struggle a bit with his sandals.
Ah, so he saw.
There is no denying, I can't pretty much lie and say nothing when I am feeling like my eyes must be puffed up due to that.
"You got to let it out sometimes, and with the heat everything dries easily", I laughed weakly as he just nodded.
"Sadly this sticky former ice cream dried too fast if you asked me, like I don't really want to know what chemical stuff they put in nowadays", that response was unexpected, he seemed like the unpredictable kind of person.
He stood straight again and threw the crinkled tissues one after another into a trash bin, perfectly not failing once and dusted off his hands.
"Does that mean you are fine now?", he crossed his arms and observed me.
I felt a bit uneasy and played with the hem of my dress.
"You could say there are some things I still need to fix", I didn't really feel better after crying it was just a natural response to me piling up stuff all the time.
"Oh", he snapped his fingers, "then I can give you a little advice, as someone who is more mature than you little girl", he didn't seem mature at all for a guys who probably stacked his ice cream in a way that was impossible to hold in the first place and ending up in a big puddle of chemical milk or whatever he called it.
But a wise person once said advice is always good, even if you need it in a later point in life.
"Sure, but I am not sure about the mature part", he is taller than me much taller, but pretty much everyone is, if he measured that to tell me he is more mature.
"If you want to fix things, better fix them fast", and there was something that changed in his expression, "because sometimes when you want to fix things at a later point they are beyond repairing, and maybe even someone else will take that part for you and kick you out", he pulled his sunglasses down and looked at the burning sun.
"Well, since you helped me out the advice is for free, cute lady. I am going to leave now. I am a busy fella", he waved without looking at as he approached the exit of the park.
I just waved back still focussing on his words.
A very unpredictable person indeed, he acts on his own whims.
With a light smile I watched him vanish out of sight.
But he seems nice, a very likable person.
There was one thing that resounded in my mind.
"Fix things before they are beyond repair."
What would happen if it is to late until I fix the thing with Minho?
I closed my eyes and imagined—
No.
I just couldn't imagine it and I felt my tears dwelling up again.
Minho has become a big part of our lives, even Unnie-nim said so.
He may not be good with his words but, even someone like me realized that he always tried to help out in his own way, and that he never revealed a secret, example would be Unnie-nim's secret.
I need to fix it!
Without realizing I had already started to make my way to the station and waited in the shadow of big buildings.
***
There was no success, he was not at his apartment again, I have been trying for several days now.
I sighed but I was still determined.
No matter what he would say, no matter if he would say something hurtful, I still will get my message across, I don't want to regret being too late.
Were my thoughts but my stomach was hurting from the nervousness of being able to encounter him.
"Oh my, today you look different as well, sometimes I might even consider calling the police since I don't know it is you", Mrs Kim surprised me as I wanted to take my leave again.
"Thanks Mrs Kim it means a lot, since I really don't want people to recognise me", I nodded my head as a greeting.
"Want to come in?"
"I am sorry, I need to go. Just stopped by to check on you", I lied and turned around about to walk away.
"He hides in weird places and takes a lot of detours, so make up already if you find him", she closed her door before I could even turn around.
He will kill me if he finds out ...
But realization kicked in as she said those words.
Whenever I went out with Minho he always took weird paths and detours, only when I was too tired he seemed to go through usual traffic.
But there was a place he was especially too familiar with to just go there randomly at that day.
After moving through all the alleys and detours I could think of, the last place that came to my mind with a vivid memory attached to it was now greeting my vision with its yellow 'keep-away' bands that decorated the old parking house.
I prayed that I would find him there but at the same time I was scared to face him, and with that to either hurt him or to be confronted with hate— still I couldn't take it anymore.
The fact to not know what the result was or being in-between, better to know if it's hate or not, than being in the shadows for the rest of my life.
That time you took me back home, I will never forget.
My index-finger pulled up the band slowly with no sound as I crouched below it and accessed the entrance.
And now it is my turn to get you back home.
Slow steps, holding my breath with every and each I made to not make any sounds.
Occasionally my jumper got caught by either nails that were sticking out of the uneven stone pillars or my sandals that slipped away with the trash that was lying all around on the first floor.
I ascended my way slowly, one floor after the other when I reached the floor before the rooftop.
There was no trash here at least, but my poor feet looked a bit scraped with the weird concrete walls and their little lost parts on the floor which seemed to like me a bit too well to touch me all the time.
My jumper was a bit ripped too but it didn't matter if it was worth the journey.
Breezes of fresh air came in through the upper floor, which was open and came down here, despite the heat it was a bit enduring here, even my sweat from earlier started to dry down.
As I left the staircase to try my luck on this floor, a flashy baby blue yoga mat came surprised me in midst of this grey and black parking house.
A young man lying on it, facing the ceiling with his cap shoved over his eyes, brown hair sticking out below, one legs was crossed over the other and his torso even though it was barely visible, was moving up and down in intervals.
This is Minho's unique copy of his cap.
I sneaked up with no sound, crouching down to take a better look and I was indeed greeted with Minho's facial features and the familiar smell.
He was fast asleep, not noticing anything.
Leaning in a bit closer I even heard him breathe lowly but I immediately grabbed my hair that almost touched his face and leaned back.
That was close, but I am so relieved.
Making myself comfortable, as much as you could make yourself comfortable on concrete floor, I watched Minho sleeping silently next to me.
It felt like time has stopped, just like back then and the rush of ease to see him after more than two weeks filled me entirely.
The summer hat I was wearing was now lying on my lap as I tied my hair into a ponytail, that was sticking to my neck due to the sweat and made me uncomfortable since morning, but I was so busy that I had supressed it until now.
I wish time would really stop, and I wish for my words to reach him this time.
This time I know what I will say.
Minutes may have passed or hours I didn't really now, the digital clock seemed frozen and probably stopped working year ago making it out from the date and numbers that didn't change at all.
But the midday sun that burnt so vigorously earlier seemed to have calmed down a bit, the sky taking a start into a late afternoon.
Shuffling sounds met my ears as if to tell my eyes to look next to me.
Minho had turned to side and slowly opened his eyes, still narrowing them staring at the ground.
He made sounds of groaning, looking just as grumpy when he wakes up early.
His eyes moved slowly from my shoes to my hat and then to me as he stared at me.
With a nod I greeted him, "good afternoon."
His voice was giving it away that he was still sleepy as he called, "Seul-Mi?", with a raspy and low tone.
My breath stopped for a moment.
He called me by my real name?
I couldn't hide the fact that I was very surprised and he as well must have thought it was a dream, since only now he opened his eyes widely as if he realized that I was sitting here in person.
"What the heck are you doing here? I told you there was nothing I have to say to you!"
With much care I placed my hat next to Minho.
I felt my body shaking and I clenched my fists.
"You may not, but I have a lot to say!"
"How did you find me anyway? Was it the hacker? I mean I turned off my phone!", he was very angry and started interrogating me with one question after the other.
"I remembered that you brought me here once after checking every possible place this was my last resort", I said honestly while I slid next to Minho on the yoga mat, the hat between us as a security measure if things went down, not really but only for my conscious I told myself that.
The concrete destroyed my bum...
He just glared at me.
"You probably want to know why I am here."
"I don't want to hear it", he pulled his lower lip.
I was about to panic but that little gesture gave it away.
Don't worry I will say it all, you dishonest guy.
"Minho", I stared at him intensely and I felt that he was avoiding it from time to time, " I wanted to apologize, I am feeling guilty, not only guilty I am about to break down from all the guilt eating me up and the fact that I disregarded your feelings, I can't handle it—"
"Stop, alright", he just muttered.
"No! I am sorry Minho, I am very sorry. I know Minho is a hard-working person, I am sorry. I know you are helping with all you have got, I am sorry. I am sorry that I said all those things while all you did was trying to help and at the same time you had a hard time too. I know all of that, I really do. At that day you came it was not the best timing you chose, but this is not an excuse I still shouldn't have said all those things. I am sorry, you are very important I just can't leave it like that", my voice was still shaking but I was serious.
I don't know how much I should apologize, I feel like it will never be enough.
"You don't need to make up a lie for my benefit and tell me that I am important. I can handle things by myself so you don't need to pretend like— ", I cut him off immediately and felt like my emotions were gushing out.
"I am not lying!", I yelled, "I am not lying!", he blinked several times and I went on.
"You are important to us, you are a precious member, one of us. If RisingStar are eight now you are number nine, when were seven you were number eight. No matter how many we are you are still one of us. Did you think nobody noticed your kindness? Did you think we didn't see how much you cared? I did realize all of those things, I noticed it! You may not feel the same, maybe you would even hate the idea but", I paused for a bit and took a deep breath, "Minho became a part of our small family called RisingStar and it feels so lonely without you around, like something is missing, like a puzzle not being complete, just like", and now my tears started bursting out, "just like when Canon left and it felt unnatural it's the same with you, if Minho is not around then we are not complete. Every time I went to your apartment, these past months I barely saw your face, it felt horrible knowing I had hurt a member of my precious family."
I broke down, I couldn't hold it back anymore and started crying even more, they just wouldn't stop.
"I am so sorry Minho, I really didn't want to mess up this time, but I did. Just like back then when you took me home. I am sorry", at this point all I was saying was gushing out of my heart, I had lost my control all over the place.
All the pressure from all sides had broken me down.
It was too much.
Just for a bit let me go havoc.
"Tell me what should I do? I know it's my fault it was selfish of me, but I was losing it and still, and still— damn it I didn't wanna cry", I didn't really make out what he was doing since my vision was all blurry and I was busy wiping away my never-ending tears with my arms but he was moving.
In the end I felt something stroking my hair, a comforting feeling to be honest.
As I looked up Minho had come closer and stroked my hair, confusion, irritation and a questioning expression on his face, his movements seemed so unnatural.
He was frowning but at the same time his eyes were a bit glassy for a moment, he sighed and it vanished.
"And there I thought your dialect was perfected that it didn't slip at all and you messed up the last sentence", with his other hand he scratched his cheek.
I couldn't say anything I just stared at Minho who avoided my glance again and seemed flustered.
"S-Sorry if this is not comforting but I really don't... don't know how to handle this", I heard him mutter in a low voice.
Just when I thought my tears stopped, I cried again and tried to hold back sobbing like an ugly baby.
"M-Minwho", my speech was all over the place, "I am sowwy."
I couldn't form a proper sentence.
"Yeah, yeah I got it", he sighed and leaned closer placing my hat on my head, "get a grip already you look ugly like that."
He handed me a tissue so I could wipe my nose.
"So you believe me? You don't think I lie, right?", since he accused me earlier.
"Well you are a bad liar in general and on top of that you cried more about me than I could for myself. I guess showing me such an ugly face must mean you probably felt horrible, I assume", that's relieving to hear him say mean words again.
Minho turned on his phone and somehow distanced himself immediately from me standing up and helping me.
"Let's leave, this place is not good to hang around. At least not for you", his gaze was still wandering to his phone and back.
My mind was exhausted after all the crying and I just did what he said, followed but he still kept a distance.
On our way, of course the detours, I watched Minho's back walking in front as he slightly turned his head.
"What happened to your clothes and feet?", he scanned me.
"Your hideout is not really the most comfortable place for a clumsy person like me."
"They say curiosity kills the cat, there seems to be a truth behind", he chuckled and he kept telling me how Will has been annoying since he delayed his comeback and I didn't know if it was the fuzziness but I had the feeling Will was not the one but his company.
"Take care, I heard there are a lot of paparazzi scandals lately so don't do anything stupid second-rate rookie", I nodded eagerly.
"See you in practice next week", and before I could realized what he meant with that Minho was already gone and left me at the station close to the dorm.
I am tired... but I feel at ease now.
***
A week later full of interrogations from my Unnies and feeling like they had squeezed me out, practice came, and we all stared at the young man in front of us.
A tad more nervous than usual but there he stood in his whole glory, frowning probably due to embarrassment.
"If you think you can slack off now, then you are wrong", he simply said and crossed his arms.
We looked at each other.
"Welcome back", we all sang together and he was taken aback.
"W-What?", it didn't take him long to understand that they found out.
"I was threatened!", I yelled and he was even more flustered.
K nodded proudly, "we didn't hold back anything, in the end Edo could have done the job more easily, but we wanted to play fair and square!"
"You don't make sense", I muttered and she nudged me.
"This is not fair", he denied it as well.
"We don't care about your name Minho nor about your fame", I started and P-love nodded as she gave him a meaningful gaze, "calling you Minho is better than ending the last name that you share with someone", she sugar-coated her words.
Is she mad?
"And honestly practice without you is not the same, you can barely find anyone as passionate as you nowadays", K patted his shoulder with a big smile as Varoe muttered the same thing in approvement.
"Yes, I mean who will I bully when you are not around? Makii is too easy to bully", she frowned and Minho looked annoyed.
"You know you are lying, right?"
"You still owe me Jungkook!", she pointed at him and he just nodded and sighed.
"So, what we wanted to say to you Minho", P-love smiled widely an honest and warm-hearted smile.
"You are you. Your own person with your own memories, your family doesn't determine who you are", I started and felt a bit nervous again.
"You should know exactly that we don't care about those kind of things, we treated you like your own person the first day we met you", K added and nudged him as he grew more flustered.
"Because in the end it didn't matter who you were before we met you", even Mina was very eager to tell Minho how much he meant to her while she was still recovering the last bit.
"We saw who you really are, and we don't want that Minho", J-monster pulled out his album which shows a fake smile on its cover.
It was a bit mischievous but meant well in her own way.
"You can't deceive us anyway like I would find you wherever you are, you have turn on your phone one day, so don't you dare to ditch and challenge me", Edo smirked as she mouthed something but he turned away as if he didn't wanted to remember.
Oh wow, I think he is the least compatible with her...
"Oh please you are not that amazing neither is your brother, don't go on and make drama about it since I will beat you in drama anyway", Varoe said with a self-satisfied expression and Minho just stared at her as if she was an idiot.
"Don't give me that look alright!"
But Minho still gave her that look.
"I heard that, that idiot didn't even know you as an artist. That was awkward, but I guess we all still respect your effort", Zeya muttered casually.
"H-Hey I don't fuss about those things! He writes amazing songs but sometimes his personality is off. In the end that what makes him Minho, right?" I tried to save myself from Zeya's last comment but then I saw Minho's face as he was absent-minded.
Tears flew down his face without realizing.
"Guys...", he just muttered and turned away pretending like we didn't see it and he turned back.
"Truly a dishonest boy, Darling do something", P-love turned to K as she watched Minho struggle.
"He has a bad mouth for sure but soft like a plushie inside, huh? When will you admit it already?", K punched him lightly and glared at P-love.
"Don't call me that!"
Minho couldn't hold it back anymore and the tears streamed down his face, with no sound he just stood there as if he was supressing it, at a point he just put his arm over his eyes and rubbed them away constantly.
We were all worried and stared at each other.
"N-No", I heard Varoe whisper almost tearing up too and as I caught her, she pointed at me, "I am not crying, ok?"
I smirked but it was not the time.
"Leader, do something!"
"I did my best and look what happened, I can't comfort people, I suck at that!"
"Sheesh I don't have any snacks for him..."
"..."
"He calls me grumpy but look at him, come on man up, I guess", J-monster was also tearing up.
"Thank you. Thank you so much... ", we heard him mutter silently.
Again we told him.
"Welcome back, Minho."
This is your place.
You belong here.
"Canon had her comeback, did you see it?", K pulled me to the side knowing I was at the preparation stage but didn't tell her about the song.
I nodded and she sighed not even commenting.
"This is his day let's not spoil, we will discuss this later."
I wondered about another thing the whole.
When will Canon come back home as well?