Evening has fallen all around me but my heart can't find peace.
Today should have been easy. Just another lazy Sunday at my parents' house. But nothing of this Sunday is typical. We got several visitors staying the night, much to my mother's excitement. And Kyrie sobered me up. Dmitri finally succeeded in dragging her to the airport nang maghapon na. I wished he did it sooner. Sana napauwi niya agad ang babae bago pa nito ginulo ang puso at isipan ko.
Bumuntong-hininga na lang ako and leaned back deeper into my chair. I exchanged the beer for Riesling and that's what I'm sipping right now as I look at the far horizon. I wish for something stronger and bitter to match my mood tonight but I can't get the hard drinks out. My mother does not want me to drink especially in the midst of 'gentle' company we have tonight. I sneered at the thought. Gentle. Ha! My mother is too innocent for this century. Some of those gentle ladies could drink me under the table!
Another reason for having this Riesling instead of a Jack Daniels is I just want to get a small buzz tonight without getting fully drunk so I can still drive. Nagtatalo pa rin ang isipan ko kung mag-overnight ba ako dito sa bahay o uuwi kay Sabrina. I told her that I'm coming home to her tonight. But my mom wants me to stay the night. What am I supposed to do to avoid hurting the two most important women in my life?
But, God, I missed her already. I grabbed my phone and was scanning through my contacts when someone suddenly appeared around the corner.
"Hi, Oli. Long time no see," nakangiting bati ng bagong dating. Maingat kong nilapag ang phone ko sa mesang nasa tabi ko, facedown, bago siya hinarap.
"Hello, Pee-Wee," nakangisi ko ring bati na ikinaikot ng mata niya.
"You can be such a child," asik niya sa akin.
Lumapit siya sa kinaroroonan ko at maingat na nilapag ang isang bote ng Jack Daniels sa mesang nasa tabi ko. Naglapag din siya ng dalawang baso na may ice. Without any prompting, binuksan niya ang alak at nagsalin sa dalawang basong dala. Inabot niya ang isa sa akin but I didn't take it.
I raised my wineglass to her at tinaasan niya ako ng kilay.
"Really, Oli? Wine?" sarkastiko niyang wika.
"Try it sometime. Try to sleep sober paminsan-minsan."
She gave me a wicked grin. "Hindi 'yan ang sinabi mo the last time we saw each other."
Naupo na rin siya a few inches from me, put her elbow on top of the back of the couch, lean her head on it, and crossed her legs while facing me. "Cheers to your winning yesterday?" she said raising her glass in the air.
I sighed. I let go of my wine and reached for the glass of whiskey to clink it with hers. Sabay pa kaming lumagok mula sa kanya-kanyang baso.
"You're looking good," komento niya.
"So do you," awtomatiko ko ring tugon sabay lapag ng baso sa mesa. Now that I had the whiskey, I'm more certain that I don't want to drink tonight.
"I look even better underneath all these clothes."
It's a blatant invitation. Unfortunately for her, I don't want to play tonight. Or any other night. I already lost the taste for that particular game. Rather, I've already found my perfect playmate.
"I'm sure you do," pabalewala kong tugon which got me a confused stare.
"'Yan lang ang sasabihin mo?"
Kumibit-balikat ako at muling inabot ang wine na binitawan ko and took a sip. I removed my eyes from her and continued to stare out to the horizon. "What is there left to say?"
"Was I not good enough that one time?"
"Don't come to me fishing for compliments, Paige. I'm sure there's a lot of them who will tell you, gladly, how good you are."
"Ouch, Oli." Yet, she didn't sound hurt at all. If anything else, seduction is still in her voice. "I don't want them, I want you tonight."
"Paige." I uttered her name sa nananaway na tono.
"Oliver," ganti naman niya.
"The last time was really the last. We agreed on that sa una pa lang."
She rolled her eyes at me at umayos na ng upo bago muling lumagok mula sa baso nito. "You and your stupid rules. Bakit hindi puwedeng umulit kung nasarapan naman?"
I chuckled at that. True, that one time sex with her was good. Nothing near as to what sex feels like with Sabrina but not disappointing either. She was a new body that night. A body I did not even think of touching until she asked for it. And who was I to say no?
The physical attraction simmering between us coupled with the sense of the forbidden aided and abetted by another bottle of JD made it all happen. Hindi naman ako nagsisisi. Pero wala na akong balak pang umulit. I told her that even before taking a plunge into her and she agreed. She would have agreed to anything just to get me inside her that time, but that's beside the point.
There would be hell to pay if we got find out. Both our parents are going to be disappointed if not angry. Baka maikasal pa kami ng wala sa oras. I know neither of us wanted that. I especially don't want that. As for Paige, well, she is not exactly the sweet and innocent princess our parents think she is. That is okay. This is the 21st century already. Double-standards should cease to matter. And Paige is cool.
"Frustrated? What happened to your current fling?" pabiro kong tanong. With Paige, there is always someone. We're cut in the same cloth after all, moving in the same circles.
Napabusangot ang mukha niya. "Hayon, pining after Wild Child. As if he has the guts to actually come after her. She'll burn him."
The image of the guy Kyrie was talking to earlier sa garden came up in my mind. Hindi kabilang ang pamilya nito sa mga mag-o-overnight dito sa mansion. "Is that really it, or wala ka na ngang choice kasi umalis?"
Ngumisi si Paige. "There is that. Can't you be a dear and just let me sleep with you for tonight? One last time? Wala namang makakaalam." At kumindat pa siya.
"Go away, Paige," naiiling na natatawa kong sabi.
Nanghaba ang nguso niya. "Nakaka-insulto ka na ha."
Umismid naman ako. "Your ego can take it, Pee-Wee."
Malakas niya akong hinampas sa braso at napangiwi ako dahil masakit talaga. Pero natatawa pa rin ako.
"Pang-royalty ang pangalan ko tapos minumurder mo lang. Bwisit ka," nangigigil niyang wika at pinanlisikan pa ako ng mata.
"Kaya nga iwanan mo na ako dito kasi marami pa ang maririnig mo sa akin the longer you stay. Pee-Wee, Pee-Wee, Pee--"
Panay hampas niya sa akin ng mahihina pero hindi ko tinigilan ang kakatawag sa palayaw niyang ayaw na ayaw. Sa huli, padabog na siyang tumayo at hinablot ang bote ng whiskey na dinala.
"O, bakit pati 'yan isasama mo. Ikaw lang pinapaalis ko," pang-aasar ko pa.
"Magtigil ka diyan bago ko pa maihampas 'tong bote na 'to sa ulo mo talaga. You don't deserve this fine bottle, you jerk."
Napahalakhak na ako sa nakikitang pagkaasar ng babae. Kahit kailan talaga ang pikon nito.
"Oliver." Naglakad na siya palayo at paliko na papasok sa bahay nang tawagin niya ako. Hinintay niya akong tumingin sa kanya bago siya muling nagsalita. "I'll keep the leeches off you tonight, but you will owe me."
Ngumiti ako at tumango. Gumaan ang pakiramdam ko sa sinabi niya. I am really not in the mood to be sociable tonight. But I will if I have to. I will never letdown my mother in that way. Kaya I will really owe Paige for her offer to run interference for me tonight.
Left alone with my own thoughts and the silence of the night, lalong nadagdagan ang pangungulila ko para kay Sabrina. Naiinis tuloy ako kung bakit ako nagpakumbinsi sa kanya na umuwi mag-isa ngayong araw. Kung sana ay nandito siya, hindi ko na pinu-problema ang pag-iisip kung babalik ba ako sa apartment ngayong gabi o bukas na lang ng madaling-araw. And then, muling bumalik sa akin ang mga sinabi ni Kyrie kanina sa terrace. I glared fiercely into the black night. She is speaking nonsense. Everything will be great between us ni Sabrina. Everything will be smooth-sailing towards the endgoal that I am hoping for.
I grabbed my phone off the table and dialed Sabrina's number. Naiinip kong hinintay ang pagsagot niya and when she finally did, wala namang video. Napasimangot tuloy ako.
"Sabrina, naman. Turn on the video, I want to see you," pag-uungot ko.
Agad naman siyang sumunod and a second after, I'm seeing her beloved face. Napalitan ng ngiti ang simangot ko. At the look of her hair, mukhang galing sa paliligo ang nobya ko at ngayon nga ay nasa kama na nito. I can see the headboard.
"Hi, love," bati ko agad. "I miss you."
I could see her deep blush on the screen pero ngumiti na rin siya. "Ang OA mo. Wala pa ngang isang araw, eh."
"Segu-segundo kang hinahanap ng puso ko, baby."
My internal macho man winced at the words I'm saying. F-u-ck! So gay! Pero hindi ko naman mapigilan. Maliban sa totoo, I want her to laugh, too. So if I have to throw out cheesy lines to brighten up that beautiful face, maliit na bagay. Gagawin ko.
Namilog ang mga mata niya sa narinig bago humagikhik. "God, Oliver, please stop. Ako nahihiya para sa'yo. Ang cheesy! My goodness!" At tumawa na naman siya. Napahiga pa siya sa kama ng ilang minuto na patuloy sa paghalakhak.
Mission accomplished. Lalong gumaan ang pakiramdam ko at lalong lumapad ang aking pagkakangiti. I patiently waited for her to get hold of herself at after a minute or two, nakita ko muli ang mukha niya sa camera. Mahina pa rin siyang tumatawa.
"Okay ka na?" natatawa ko na ring tanong nang nakangiti na lang siya sa screen.
Dahan-dahan siyang tumango.
"How was the trip home? May inquisition ba na nangyari katulad sa kinatatakutan mo noong breakfast?"
I officially introduced her to my teammates as my girlfriend during breakfast. Ngisi lang ang sagot ng mga iyon while Dmitri just stared at me, saying nothing. I didn't think anything of that dahil hindi naman talaga pala-salita si Dmitri especially in when in the middle of a crowd. Isa pa, nasa table namin si Kyrie that time and I assumed that Dmitri is still angry with her to bother with my announcement. Tama si Kyrie. My brain was too clouded with thoughts of rainbows and unicorns that I missed what Dmitri's silence meant. He was thinking that I'm crazy for pushing towards a relationship when I'm sure what he encouraged me to do was to just dally with my housemate. Sabrina is not made for a dalliance. She's made for a white dress and rings. My rings, to be specific.
After breakfast at bumalik na kami ni Sabrina sa suite to take a short nap before we have to go, she was in a panic about what to tell her friends about us. They must have heard what I have said during breakfast. Para sa akin, wala nang dapat ipaliwanag. We are together and that's that. But women seems to have it differently. May inquisition. And it took a lot of kisses and cuddles bago ko siya napakalma tungkol doon. Ayos lang naman. I love kissing and cuddling her anwyay.
"Thankfully, kami lang ni Ree sa sasakyan pauwi. Sumabay na ang iba kina Trisha dahil dadaan pa raw sa mall bago umuwi. Wala sa mood mag-shopping ang ate ko. Mukhang nagmamadaling umuwi. Maybe dahil nakisabay din si Theo sa amin kaya naisip niyang wala na siyang time to shop."
Sabrina's openness to me right now is telling of the change in our relationship. Before last night, she would have never let it slip the word 'ate' in connection with Rachel. That statement has raised even more questions in my head rather than answers. But I kept my peace for now. May oras para sa mga katanungan ko. Tonight is not it.
"Theo?" naguguluhan kong tanong. "Kailan pa kayo naging malapit ni Theo to the point na nakiki-hitch pa siya ng ride sa inyo?"
"Nagulat nga rin ako kasi beyond that first time na bumisita ang mga teammates mo sa apartment natin, hindi naman ako talaga kinakausap ni Theo. Pero ayon nga, kanina, nakisabay siya sa amin. Pero I think, si Ree naman kasi ang nagsimula. Hinihintay namin ang valet na dalhin ang sasakyan ni Rachel sa may entrance tapos andoon din si Theo na nakatayo at pinapanood kami. Tinawag siya ni Rachel at saglit na nag-usap. The next thing I know, kasama na namin siya sa sasakyan. Siya pa nga ang nag-drive hanggang sa makarating kami sa apartment din niya. Then, Rachel took over."
"Bakit si Theo ang nag-drive?"
I'm only mildly interested, really. Gusto ko lang na magkuwento pa ng magkuwento si Sabrina. Lalo akong nare-relax the longer that I listen to her. I settled deeper into the couch and once again sipped the wine as I waited for her to continue her story.
"May hang-over migraine si Ree and was in no condition to drive really. Ako nga dapat ang magmamaneho pero nagreklamo si Theo na ang bagal ko daw mag-drive kaya kung puwede siya na lang. Pero honestly, I think, he just wanted to get away from Ree. Nasa likod kasi silang dalawa noong una dahil nakahiga si Ree. Nalilikutan yata sa kapatid ko kasi ang loka rin naman panay urong sa kanya na nasusukol na ang lalaki sa may pinto." Mababakas sa boses niya ang pagtawa sa inaalalang naging kaganapan kanina sa daan. "Theo can't get out of the car fast enough when I agreed."
We both grinned at what she described.
"Umiinom ka ba?" mahina niyang tanong pagkakuwan.
Itinapat ko ang wine glass sa camera para makita niya ang iniinom ko. "Riesling lang naman ito, love. Not even half a glass. I can still drive pauwi sa'yo."
She flashed a sweet and shy smile at me at nahigit ko ang hininga ko doon. Kuripot sa matamis na ngiti itong nobya ko. All her smiles are what I call social smiles. Ngumingiti siya kahit hindi naman talaga masaya but because it is what is called for sa isang partikular na sitwasyon. Ganyan ang mga ngiting ginagawad niya sa mga teammates ko at sa akin. Noong housemates pa lang talaga kami. So to have her smile at me like that. Wala, gusto ko nang umuwi sa kanya.
But that sweet smile turned into a small frown and she glanced sa parte ng kuwarto niya na alam kong may wall clock. "Gabi na. Bukas ka na lang umuwi."
"No. I told you I'm going back to you tonight." Iniisip ko na ang idadahilan ko sa nanay ko when it is time for me to leave.
Dahan-dahan siyang umiling. "Tomorrow is okay, Oliver. Spend tonight with your parents. I'm sure na-miss ka na rin nila."
"But, I --"
Hindi ko na naituloy pa ang sasabihin ko dahil, as if on cue, my mother called my name. As if by instinct, agad kong inilapag pataob ang phone ko sa mesa. I feel guilty when I am not doing anything wrong. Fuck that Kyrie for putting stupid things in my head!
"Mom!"
"Oliver?" nagtatakang sabi ni Mom at lumapit siya sa akin. "Darling, what are you doing here? Your friends and Paige are inside. Bakit ka nagmumukmok dito?"
Sunod-sunod na ang mga tanong niya. She embraced me and dropped a soft kiss on top of my head as if I'm still her three-year old boy. Hindi ko mapigilang mapangiti sa nanay ko. Her baby boy is more than a foot taller than her when I stand up. Pero tama talaga ang sinasabi nilang, no matter how old and tall you are, to your mother you shall remain her wee little thing.
"I'm just enjoying a little peace and quiet. Papasok din ako. Ubusin ko lang 'to."
She pouted at the wineglass and glass of whiskey. "Don't get drunk tonight, Oliver. Naku ha. Baka magsuka ka na naman sa kama mo at mahihirapan na naman si Yaya Meding sa'yo."
I hope to correct the assumption of my mother that I am going to stay the night pero hindi ko magawa. I may not be the perfect son my mother must wish for but I really try my best not to break her heart if I can. I don't like seeing my mother unhappy. Kapag umuwi ako ngayong gabi, tiyak na malulungkot siya. Pero kapag hindi ako umuwi, I'm going to break a promise to Sabrina. I don't want to do that either. Kakasimula lang namin. I don't want to break a promise on the very first day na naging akin siya. What the fuck am I going to do?
"I'll just finish the wine, mom. I won't touch the whiskey."
Bumuntong-hininga siya. "Alright. Huwag ka masyadong magtagal ha? Pumasok ka na rin agad."
Mabilis akong tumango and that seems to satisfy her. Muli na rin siyang bumalik sa loob. The lure of guests to entertain is strong in my mother.
I sighed and picked up my phone again. I expected na binabaan na ako ni Sabrina pero I was both glad and sad to see that she waited on the other line.
"Love, sorry for that," panghihingi ko ng dispensa pero mabilis lang siyang umiling.
"There's nothing to be sorry for."
I was determined to confess my sins and ask for forgiveness. "No, hindi ko dapat ibinaba ang phone ng ganoon lang. I'm not hiding you, Sab. Please don't think that."
There's a hole in my stomach that is getting larger and larger kahit na magiliw namang nakangiti si Sabrina sa akin.
"Ano ka ba, Oliver. Siyempre alam kong hindi mo ako tinatago. Pero today is not our time to come out to your mother. Kaya tama lang na you were discreet about this conversation."
She is excusing my behavior but I feel even worse because of it.
"Sabrina --" Muli akong sumubok na magsalita pero pinigilan niya ako.
"Shhh, love. Tama na. Everything is okay. I'm okay. And you did nothing wrong." Nakangiti pa rin niyang sabi sa akin. I could feel the sincerity and the love even through the screen. I don't care kahit hindi niya sinabi, she loves me and that's that.
"However..." Napabalik ang atensyon ko sa screen. There is something ominous sa pagkakasabi niya noon.
"What is it?" napakunot-noo na ako.
"Who is Paige?"
I winced at that loaded question. I did not expect that. "She's a daughter of one of our family friends."
"She's like Kyrie?"
Not exactly. "You can say that."
This is evasive maneuver I know. Pero Paige, and other girls like her, is something that is not meant to be discussed over the phone.
Matagal siyang hindi nagsalita at tinitigan lang ako. I can feel cold sweat running down my spine over that stare. And then she smiled one of her blindingly sweet smiles. I almost sagged in relief.
"Stay the night there," dikta niya.
I sighed. "If you say so." I still don't feel good about staying but she has taken the difficult decision-making out of my hands.
"Good night, Oliver," malambing niyang wika na ikinangiti ko na rin.
"Good night, love."
"Will you dream of me tonight?"
"Always."
Her eyes twinkled happily. "See you tomorrow," she said softly before dropping the call.
Matagal nang tapos ang tawag pero nakatingin pa rin ako sa screen ng phone ko. With a groan, binulsa ko ang phone, leaned back at naihilamos ko ang dalawa kong palad sa mukha in frustration. I fucking want to go home to Sabrina. Tomorrow can't come fast enough.