A car ride had never been so quiet before. Jisoo who was driving was scared of even speaking a word to Chaeyoung that seemed like she had lost something more than a friend from her everyday life. She wasn't blaming her, she couldn't blame her because she herself felt bad while seeing Jennie pass by the security guards and getting lost from their sight as she made her way in the plane. Jisoo didn't know her that well, she could confidently say that she knew Jennie the least out of all of them but still she felt like a piece of her was missing as well. She would be a big liar if she said that she hadn't gotten used to sit in Jennie's living room while all of them bitched about all kinds of things, watched F.R.I.E.N.D.S even if she didn't like it that much or the times that they ordered sushi and just looked at each other without saying anything.
"Are you okay?" Jisoo asked as she pulled the car over to the side of the road, turning the engine off and facing Chaeyoung who was looking away, Jisoo's hand reaching out to hold her friend's in hers. Chaeyoung shook her head and rested it against the window pane, her eyes closing to hold the tears that were ready to fall from her eyes, her breathing getting a bit more rapid than it was before. "I should have stopped her or at least join her," Chaeyoung spoke up and her broken voice filled the whole car, Jisoo's heart felt like breaking at the thought of not only losing Jennie from the picture but also Chaeyoung who she knew since they were both nineteen. "She's not going to be okay alone unnie, she's going to destroy herself again" Chaeyoung spoke up again and this time her eyes shoot open looking back at Jisoo who was ready to cry as well, this car ride had somehow turned even more emotional than she had anticipated.
"Chaeng, this is not in our hands," Jisoo tried comforting her but she actually felt like she was only making things worse, she didn't really think that there was something she could say that could make the situation lighter for Chaeyoung. "It's not in her hands either. The only person that can do something doesn't even know she's gone." Chaeyoung snapped and took out all her bitterness and frustration on Lisa who was even present, the reality of Jennie being gone starting to settle in as she spoke of it out loud. Another knife in Jisoo's heart. "She's fucking gone, she's not a few blocks away anymore, she's G.O.N.E, gone." Chaeyoung repeated herself and felt like punching something from how stressed and frustrated she actually was, getting mad at everything and everyone at that moment. "And there's nothing I can do, nothing at all" Chaeyoung sighed and closed her eyes as she tried calming herself down, the more she talked about the more pissed off she got.
"We could tell Lisa, but I doubt that will do anything," Jisoo suddenly said the first thought that came in her mind, Chaeyoung's head turning to face her for the first time since that car ride had started. "No, no Chaeng we can't," Jisoo spoke up and her hands grabbed the steering wheel once again. She knew what Chaeyoung had in mind the moment she opened her mouth and voiced that thought of hers and she wouldn't take any risks letting her friend talk to Lisa about Jennie leaving Korea. "We totally can. I know love when I see it and those two are in love unnie," Chaeyoung started being all excited, her eyes almost sparking but Jisoo couldn't tell if it was from the crying or the excitement that suddenly rushed in her body. "There's no way you don't see it, come on now" Chaeyoung spoke up again, hitting Jisoo's shoulder when she saw that her friend was avoiding to look at her now. Deep down she agreed, Jisoo could see it to and she had started to see it long before Jennie even started developing those feelings. Lisa was always way ahead of Jennie on that part.
"Plus we both ship them," Chaeyoung pointed out and hit Jisoo's shoulder again, the term that had become familiar to Jisoo now being mentioned once again, the older woman groaning as she was faced with a difficult decision. "Are you willing to let your best friend get married to a woman she doesn't love?" The woman spoke up again, daring Jisoo but also putting even more thoughts into the older's head, reasons as to why they should talk to Lisa about Jennie flying out Seoul. "No but as you said she's the one taking decisions, it's in her hand." Jisoo sighed and leaned forward until her head hit the steering wheel as well, her hands still holding onto it. Chaeyoung had a point, Lisa's feelings for Evelyn were never as strong as they were for Jennie and Jisoo got to experience the frustrated state that Lisa was once because of Jennie. But still, she didn't feel okay with the idea of making Lisa go through that before her wedding. "You know I'm right though, you know they love each other. Let's do something about that please," Chaeyoung pleaded this time and her whole body pretty much landed on Jisoo's, the older woman groaning once again due to the pressure she was feeling at the moment.
"Let's say we do it. Let's say we break it to Lisa and we tell her that Jennie left Korea," Jisoo pushed Chaeyoung off of her and straightened her posture again with her eyes focused on Chaeyoung and only her. "Do you really think Lisa will act on it in any way? That woman is getting married in a week, do you know that?" Jisoo started going at it, her mind trying desperately to list of reasons why they shouldn't tell Lisa, doing the exact opposite of what Chaeyoung had been doing all this time. Her friend simply smiled and broke their eyes contact, taking a deep breath and looking back at Jisoo with the same stupid smile on her face. "I'm 100% sure she will fly the moment we tell her, unnie" Chaeyoung laughed and crossed her arms when Jisoo did as well, the older woman looking at her in disbelief from how confident she seemed to be for her beliefs. "And what makes you be so sure about that?" Jisoo cocked and eyebrow, her tone extremely sarcastic.
"She loves her,"
_____________________
"I'll be going now, see you" Jennie smiled and turned her back to Lisa, the sound of a footstep filling her ears immediately as she herself took a few steps closer to the glass door.
"See you soon, I love you"
Shaking her head while looking out of the window next to her, Jennie felt her chest getting tighter, the last words she ever heard from Lisa being ones that she would never forget. She had been in the air for some time now. Maybe it was a couple hours or even minutes, she wouldn't know the difference since she didn't pay attention at all. She couldn't, she couldn't get herself to think that she wasn't in Korea anymore. It's like that stage that you hear about in the movies, the stage of denial. It usually comes after a break up and that's what makes it weirder for Jennie since she didn't have any type of break up. Well maybe she did but it was only in her head where she had created this beautiful relationship that had to end so abruptly. She kind of hated it to be honest. She hated feeling like that mostly because she didn't deserve to feel like that.
Was that payback from God? Maybe. Maybe God decided to punish her for getting in the middle of something and fucking everything up. Or maybe it wasn't even God, maybe it was her own self punishing her for suddenly feeling like a human again. Crazy right? You always say that you'll be the only one allowed to hurt your own self but when it actually happens you are beyond surprised with your decisions. This must have been one of the rare times that Jennie felt the need to be the one hurting herself. She didn't only choose to do it for her own self but also to protect Lisa as well. "If I met you back then I don't know how I would have treated you. I wouldn't want to go back and meet you because the thought of hurting you is what I'm scared of the most" Jennie thought of what she had told Lisa as well, mentally slapping herself for even being so stupid and lame in front of her. How damn can you be Jane? Jennie asked herself in her own head, her eyes closing as she waited for the next song to come on, taking a deep breath in the meantime.
And as the next song came on Jennie found herself going through her gallery, soon photos of a sleeping Lisa popping up on her screen. Now she knew why she had that urge to take photos of her while she had no idea, because Lisa didn't even have to try to be cute or captivatingly beautiful, she could be all of that by just sleeping or doing something completely normal as cooking or even sitting on a couch watching TV. I hate you so much Manoban, Jennie thought and laughed all by herself, her heart racing again at the thought that she at least had something to hold on to, memories that she made with Lisa that the woman had no idea about. Still, Jennie had proof that this time existed and that it was not just a fever dream that Jennie had. A dream that lasted something less than a year. And then she came across a video, a video she doesn't remember taking but yet there it was.
"Lisaaa, wake up, hey, sleepy head, wake up for fuck's sake" Jennie heard her own voice coming from the phone first, her earphones keeping the memories secure as it could only be heard from her side and by no one else around her. "Is this how it's going to be Lils?" Jennie smiled when she saw that the phone camera focused on Lisa, her sleeping figure coming into view immediately. She was right, Lisa didn't need anything to be beautiful, she just had to sit there or even lay unconcious and she was still the most beautiful person that Jennie had ever seen. "Get up and cuddle me, now," Jennie heard her own self talking as well but this time her heart stopped when she noticed that Lisa opened her arms the moment Jennie asked her to cuddle her. She didn't know why she was torturing herself like that the same time that she swore to forget everything that happened in Seoul, maybe it was part of the "hurting myself" thing.
"Thanks, now I feel way better" Jennie paused the video and let her phone rest on her lap, her hands taking the earphones off as she took a moment for her own self so she could calm down. It was not easy that's for sure, and it wouldn't be easy from now on until she completely let it go. Maybe she would delete everything, she would change a phone and a number and she would forever forget the time that she spent in Seoul. It didn't sound as appealing as it did a couple months ago but it really seemed like the only way to let everything go. Looking out of the window once again Jennie smiled to herself while keeping an image of a sleeping and peaceful Lisa in her head, engraved like a memory that she was never going to allow slip her hands.
Lisa, I wonder if you got my letter and if you did... I'm really sorry. Jennie thought and rested her head against the glass, her hands holding onto the phone that displayed a picture of both of them laying together. A picture that Jennie refused to look at but still wanted to keep forever. "If you read it, if you feel the same for me afterwards, if you don't hate me that much... Don't hesitate to miss me. I know that I will miss you, I always do." Jennie repeated the last few sentences that she has written down in that piece of paper that was now in Jisoo's hands, the person that had always been the one closest to Lisa and primarily the person that encouraged Lisa to visit a psychologist in the first place, a suggestion that lead into Jennie and Lisa meeting again. "If you do hate me then please don't forget I didn't exist in your life."