Saffron
I laid my head on Calum's lap, clutching Ashton's hand as I sobbed, gasping for air.
"We've got you,"
"I just wanna sleep,"
"I know babygirl, I know. We're gonna figure this out,"
"What time is it for Esme?"
"If you call someone then you will be way too awake," Ashton said, moving the hair out of my face, "Has anything ever helped you sleep in the past?"
"Warm milk," Calum said, "I'll get you warm milk,"
My head flopped onto the bed as he got of it, Ashton laying down to face me, quietly shushing me.
"You're so brave,"
"I can't do this,"
"You can, you can do this," he said desperately, "We will always help you get through this,"
"I can't,"
"We're gonna get through this, all of us, however many people you need to support you," he whispered, "This is the hardest time of your life, I know it is darling, and I sympathise so much. It's okay to cry, you're gonna have nightmares and feel anxious. It's normal,"
"I'm so tired,"
"Here, have a drink," Calum said, sitting down on the bed. Ashton sat me up and I scooted into Calum's side, taking the mug of warm milk from him.
As I drank it, he ran his fingers through my hair and played with it a little, how mum always used to- which I think he knew. Though I took some shaky breaths, I managed to calm myself down, and let the exhaustion take over me.
"Is it warm enough?"
"Yeah,"
"Good. Do you have warm milk every night?"
"When I'm sad or have had a bad day," I sniffed, "Or when I want,"
"Maybe for now we should start doing it, like Esme said. It won't do any harm,"
He put my mug on the side and I rubbed my eyes, letting Ashton hug me before he left. Calum laid us both down and then my eyes drooped, putting me to sleep at once.
"No, no, no,"
I jolted awake as the sound of a voice, rolling over to see Calum fast asleep, mumbling to himself. He started to whimper, so I shook him slightly, letting out a yelp as he shot his eyes open.
"Fucking hell," he mumbled, "Are you okay?"
"Are you?"
"I guess you're not the only one getting nightmares," he hummed, "I'm just gonna... find Ash,"
"He's gonna be at work,"
"Oh- right, yeah. Um...,"
"It's okay if you need to cry. I'm not the only one grieving,"
Almost immediately, he began to tear up, and buried his head in my shoulder as we hugged. I knew how hard the nightmares were, and no matter how old or young, they sucked. Especially ones about mum.
"They leave you shaken up," he sniffed, "We're gonna be okay. Would you like breakfast?"
"Yes please. I'm calling my friends soon,"
"Okay darling, I'll bring it up to you. I just wanna clear my head,"
While he went downstairs, I grabbed my phone and scrolled through social media for a bit, gratefully taking the eggs on toast from Calum. While he went into his room, I propped my phone on my desk and sat there, anticipating the call from anyone.
Bang on 10, Esme began to face time me, and I accepted to see them all huddled round the phone. Giggling, I waved and smiled, taking a screenshot.
"We missed you!"
"Hey,"
"You look hot," Esme said, sticking her tongue out. However, I knew it was completely sarcastic because my eyes had bags, my hair was chaos, and my sweatshirt was creased. Clearly, I hadn't slept.
They caught me up on anything I needed to know, then listened to me briefly telling them about what had happened over here. Thankfully, they carried most of the conversation though so it was a nice call. They knew what not to focus on.
"Saffron?"
"I'm on a call,"
"We need to head out soon princess, you can call them tomorrow,"
"Can you say hi?"
"Hi," Calum said, peeking into the frame, "We've got places to be, she can call tomorrow?"
"We'll figure it out," Beth said, "See you later!"
"Bye,"
As I ended the call, he hugged me tightly and then took my plate downstairs. I put my hair in a ponytail, putting on black jeans and a blue sweatshirt. My appearance wasn't my main concern today.
"Your things are arriving this evening, we'll get your room feeling like you. Are you ready?"
"Yeah,"
"Let's go,"
We went down in the lift and then got in the car, the traffic into town not being something I was used to. In the end, we found a parking spot and got out, walking down the unfamiliar streets.
He took me into a sandwich bar and we chose one with a drink, then sat down in a booth together.
"Did your friends have much to say then?"
"They were talking about everything at home, and they want our address,"
"You can tell them later. Is there a parent I can get in touch with?"
"Esme's mum worked with my mum,"
"It would be great if I could have her email or number to whatsapp. We could get news about over there, and the can get news about over here,"
I shared the contact with him and gave him her email, then tucked into my sandwich. After the sleepless nights, I had begun to appreciate Calum's company more. He was patient and understanding, even when he had every right to be moody and tired.
I'd never had a male figure in my life either, so it was a change for sure, but I'd always wanted one. I did have a dad, Blair, but I'd never got the chance to meet him. It was hard to imagine a relationship with him, but I knew he was a good man and would've been a great hugger. Mum was so fond of him.
"I think the boys will start hanging out a bit more soon, to try and find some normality. We need the company,"
"Where will I go?"
"You can come, you're always invited. Even if you don't want to sit with us all, you can stay in their bedrooms so we are out of the way,"
"Okay,"
"Have you had enough to eat?"
"Yes, thankyou,"
"Alright, we can perhaps pick up a treat for you afterwards. Are you ready to go?"
I nodded and took my rubbish to the bin, quietly sitting in the car. Calum held my hand while he drove, rubbing small circles on it, then we pulled into the hospital car park and the car stopped.
He got out and then opened my door, taking my hand as I climbed out. We headed inside a side entrance and I followed him through the corridors until we found the right waiting room, signing in. There weren't many people here, so I tucked my legs up on the chair and watched my shaky hands to avoid any eye contact.
"Good afternoon, Calum!"
A man left his office and approached us, giving us both warm smiles.
"You must be Saffron,"
"She's gonna be seeing Luke in a minute, is it okay if we wait?"
"Of course,"
"I don't wanna do it," I sniffed, burying my head in his chest, "I don't wanna do it,"
"It's okay," he soothed, "You saw how much Alec adores Luke, he's so kind,"
"I can't talk about things,"
"Hey, Saffron," Luke said, crouching infront of me, "I'm so proud of you for making it today. Why don't you come in?"
"I think I'm gonna be sick,"
"You're not gonna be sick, take some deep breaths. Come and have a look at my office,"
"Calum, come,"
"I'll walk you to the office, but then I need to go to my own appointment babygirl. We're both gonna feel better soon, okay?"
I nodded and clutched his arm as we headed to Luke's office, but then he kissed my head and walked down to another office. Luke rested his hand on my back and took me to the sofa, where I broke into tiny sobs.
"You're so brave. Coming here and talking is so difficult, and it's okay to cry, but we're gonna work together to figure this all out,"
"How are you not sad ?"
"I am, I am incredibly heartbroken, but I am managing my grief in a different way to you,"
"Okay,"
"This is a private space, between me and you. You can bring blankets, wear what you want, cry however many times you want. You can tell me good things too, and absolutely anything that you're worried about, even if you feel like it's a tiny thing that's stupid. Nothing you feel emotion about is stupid, you're so valid,"
"Okay,"
"It can be hard to talk about, but do you think you could perhaps tell me what happened on the day you found your mum? You can take your time,"
"Um," I mumbled, picking my feet up onto the sofa, "No,"
"Nothing? How come?"
"I have nightmares about it,"
"Ah, right. We all have different responses to these things. Some people eat more, or less. Some have nightmares, sometimes people even deny it happens, which I think you did a little when I came to see you in the hospital. Your nightmares are completely normal,"
"Calum has them too,"
"Yeah, but we are here to talk about you sweetheart. You and your experiences,"
"Usually mum is home when I come back from school, and if she isn't then she leaves a note. She didn't answer me or my phone when I got home, nor did she leave a note, so I assumed she had a late meeting and just did my homework. After a while, I called Esme and started to cook for us both, but then Esme told me my mum hadn't gone to work. I checked upstairs and-and-and,"
He nodded and wrote something down in his notebook, then looked at me and nodded again.
"I hugged her, thinking she was asleep and sick, but she was cold... I fell back and hit my head, then called for help and passed out when they arrived. I hugged her dead body,"
"Then you got brought here?"
"Yeah,"
"Thankyou for telling me that, Saffron. Is that the first time you have told someone what happened?"
"Yeah,"
"Well then that was very brave. How is it talking about your mum in general?"
"Well I speak to Calum and Ashton, but I guess it's not a lot. She is really great so I should talk more,"
"Love, I know it's happened all of a sudden, but could you try and talk about her in past tense, at least in our sessions,"
"But I know she's not gone out of my life if I speak in present,"
"Physically she has," he said softly, "She has, and it's so horrible to admit that, but she was great. I agree. And if you talk about her, admitting she is no longer with us, it will help you come to terms with it,"
"I never knew she was hurting,"
"None of us did, that is not your fault,"
"Everything has changed. I can't sleep, sometimes I can't eat, I just feel numb,"
"Have you had a nightmare every single night?"
"Yeah,"
"And is it recurring?"
"It's about finding mum's body. Someone always gets their first and stops me hugging her, and I always think she is okay,"
"So you fear that lack of goodbye, perhaps? Do you worry that you might forget her?"
"Yeah,"
"It's gonna be okay sweetheart," he said, giving me a small smile, "Have you been managing to take care of yourself?"
My lip trembled and I shook my head, wiping my nose on my sleeve.
"I don't think I have showered or brushed my teeth since I got here other than when you made me. I can't bring myself to, and it's hard to do everything,"
"You know what? That is normal. That is okay. Of course it's better when you think you can manage, but sometimes it gets like that and I am not judging you at all,"
"It's gross,"
"You're going through so, so much. If you go home from this and shower, and brush your teeth, them great. If it takes you a few days, you've still managed. What I don't want to happen is your health being impacted, but that is when we would step in,"
"If I go back to normal I might forget her,"
"I can reassure you that you will never forget her, it's just about remembering her in a healthy way. Pictures and jewellery, and sharing memories with us,"
"There is so much going on,"
"It's intense, it will be intense, but you are going to get past this. You are strong, and valid, and life will go on,"