Saffron
As the front door opened and shut, I looked up, seeing a man in scrubs enter the house.
"Hey," he said quietly, "I'm Ashton,"
"Yeah,"
"I'm gonna go and change then we can chat if you want, or not, if you don't want,"
I nodded and he went upstairs, Calum still holding me in his arms. My knees were tucked up on the sofa and I was mentally and physically exhausted in a way I'd never been before.
At this point, all I could do was cry or sit in silence.
My stomach cramped. I felt hot and sweaty.
"Ash will speak for a bit, then we will cook, okay?"
"Okay,"
Ashton came back downstairs and sat on the other sofa, giving me another small smile. His hair flopped over his eyes, opposite to Calum's short hair, and he had glasses on as well.
"How long have you been home?"
"About an hour," Calum said, "We were very eager to leave,"
Restraints. Needles. Helicopter.
"Has it just been a day of letting the medicine wear off then?"
"Yeah, they had her on way too much,"
Cold. Stiff. Dead.
"Did you get any injuries?"
Hugging. Crying. Falling.
I threw up, not being able to stomach the memories of the past few days. Cal pulled my hair back and Ashton got me a bucket, a small amount of sick coming again before stopping.
"I just remembered,"
"It's okay,"
"I touched her dead body," I whispered, my voice cracking, "I hugged it,"
"I know, and I can't imagine how difficult that was,"
"Have you er... spoken to Luke?"
"They met,"
"I don't wanna talk to him,"
"Throwing up over these memories is where we draw the line, I think you should," Ashton said, gently wiping my mouth with a tissue.
"You're not mum, only she can tell me what to do,"
"No, I'm not, but she trusted me and all of the guys with you, which includes more than a bed and a meal. Your physical health, your mental health, your education, and creating fun memories. His office has beanbags, and blankets, or the sofa... there are bottles of water and you can write a journal to discuss,"
"No. I've not even buried her yet, I'm not forgetting her. When is her funeral?"
"Saturday,"
"She wants colours,"
"I know, and we'll find a pretty dress if your clothes haven't come by then,"
"I'm gonna clean up the sick," Ashton said, "Why don't you show her the room?"
Nodding, Cal squeezed my hand and stood, making me follow him upstairs. There was a corridor with photo frames hung up all the way down- several of mum and Cal- and he opened the first door you could see to reveal my room.
Walking into it felt like a hotel room. The bed was neatly made with a canvas hung above it. A desk was there, as well as a wardrobe that was built into the wall, and a navy blue rug matched the feature wall behind the bed. Best of all, there was a window seat.
"We can change everything when the time comes,"
"Thankyou,"
"I'd say at about 7pm you could call someone. That's about 10am,"
"Okay, thankyou,"
"Do you have jetlag?"
"No, I'm just exhausted from sleeping so much,"
"Yeah, hopefully tonight you'll have a good sleep,"
I sat on the window seat and looked down at the city below, resting my head on the window. It felt like it would never get better. How could it get better?
I drowned out my thoughts and just sat staring down below, not realising I'd done it until Calum came to get me to eat. He looked concerned, but I ignored it and followed him to the table.
"Saffron... I'm not sure if you'll want to, but you can write a few words for your mum's funeral. I am speaking,"
"Okay. Who is going?"
"All the boys and our parents, that's it,"
"Good. It's only small,"
"I'm glad that is what feels right for you," Ashton said, "We offered to hold a small service here after, to give everyone some lunch and time to talk because I think we all need that,"
"Why don't you guys seem like you're grieving?"
"We have had a bit longer to process things because we have been awake," Cal said, putting a piece of food on my fork for me, "And we haven't physically seen your mum in years. We are grieving though, it's just that the extra time we have has allowed us to build ourselves strong enough to help you,"
"I'm stopping you grieving?"
"No sweetheart. I am very much in the middle of it, but I am focusing on using the negative parts of that to become positive for you. It's a personal thing,"
"Oh,"
"Everyone grieves differently, which becomes evident when there's three of us in the same house,"
I managed about half of tea, but I couldn't stomach any more, and went back upstairs to my room. At least they could cook, but it would never be like mum's food.
I was itching to call Esme, and though it was unfair, I knew she'd pick up that phone as soon as it rang no matter what time.
Anxiously, I sat on the window seat and waited for the face time call to go through, my heart stopping when I saw her face.
"Saffron, oh my gosh you're okay, mum said you'd gone in a helicopter... you just left,"
"They shoved a shit ton of drugs into me and restrained me. I wanted to say goodbye,"
"It's not your fault," she said, swiping sleep out of her eyes, "I am glad you're safe, I'm off school and had a nap,"
"What's happened to my house?"
"It's on sale. I'm so sorry Saffron... I'm so sorry about everything. Mum and I went round and helped them box all of your things up,"
"How did you manage to get in?"
"Persistence," she laughed, "I can't believe you're in Australia now. We're gonna have to talk on the phone at awkward times,"
"It will work,"
"Yeah, we'll figure it out. I imagine your phone has blown up from every back here,"
"Honestly, I only looked at your missed calls,"
"Cute," she giggled, "You look exhausted... how have you been coping? Seriously?"
"Not very well," I mumbled, "I'm surprised they haven't kicked me out,"
"I doubt that your mum would be best friends with someone who wasn't at least half as caring and she was. I trust you with Calum, you've gotta find that too,"
"I have to bury her on Saturday,"
"We're holding a small thing here with her work friends... lighting candles and remembering her. Our friends are gonna be there, your mum showed love to us all,"
"She is so incredible," I whispered, "Thankyou for doing that,"
"Did you injure yourself at all?"
"I split my head open a bit, and I've been sick a couple of times. I feel like shit," I sniffed, "And she's not here to help, and neither are you. Please don't forget about me,"
"Saffron, I love you, I'm not gonna forget about you,"
"I love you too," I said, wiping the tear from my face, "I miss you, and your kisses,"
"I miss your kisses too," she sniffed, smiling a little, "Take care of yourself, and ring me when you are ready to talk okay?"
"I love you, have a good day,"
"Goodnight Saffron, I love you too. Bye,"
I ended the call and sat with my head on my knees, breaking into long, loud sobs.
I missed my home.
I missed my girlfriend.
And I missed my mum.