IM NOT A DOCTOR.
-BBB❤️
***
"Dear Lord, can you take it away
This pain in my heart that follows me by day
And at night it stalks me like the shadows on my wall..."
- A. K. 2001
Feels like the world is closing on me
Feels like my dreams will never come to me
I keep on slipping deeper into myself
And I'm scared, so scared
***
DECEMBER
Semaj's POV
"I don't think daddy would like me to buy this for you," I chuckled as Mimi held on to the sugary box of baby shark cereal.
I had pushed the cart over to the side to get it out the middle of aisle while I looked at what kind of oatmeal I wanted to buy, and she'd gotten handsy and grabbed the family size box of cereal.
I highly doubted she actually wanted it to eat, but instead was interested in what was printed on the box.
They looked like a knock off Fruit Loops, but either way Michael would have a cow if I bought it, yet her small hands clenched the box and the smile on her face forced me to nod my head.
I was a sucker for Mimi, and she knew it, because that smile widened, and she brought the box closer to her.
"But we have to hide it okay, 'cause daddy might just curse Maji out about it," I chuckled, imagining Michael trying to scold me for buying the cereal.
He wasn't overly strict when it came to Camille's eating habits, but he was cautious and conscience about what he allowed her to eat.
He'd done the same with me since the beginning of the pregnancy and especially now since I was starting to feel the woes of carrying twins.
Now at 15-weeks I had swollen extremities, my blood pressure was-in my opinion slightly higher than normal-but in Michael's opinion higher than it should be and my occasional headaches had slowly start to become an everyday thing.
I would be lying if I said my pregnancy was going perfect because some days I felt awful, but I'd had ups and downs when carrying Summer, some of the symptoms close to what I had now so I tried not to be to worrisome about it.
However, Michael said that if my blood pressure continued to be high for the next couple days then he was taking me to see the doctor.
I didn't argue with it because it had been irregularly high, but when I researched it a slightly higher BP during pregnancy with twins was common. Not to mention that other factors added onto it such as stress, what I ate, and what I did throughout the day.
Which is why I decided to take the initiative and do some non-strenuous exercising and what better way to do that then walk around the store? Though that didn't help with my eating habits.
When Michael was around, I ate healthier, but let him leave and I was pulling a couple of Babe Ruth's out my snack bag I had hidden away.
My cellphone rang in my purse, so I pulled it out answering it once I noticed it was Michael. "Hello?"
"I get home and you nor my child is here," he chuckled. "Where you at, Sey?"
"Oh, just at the store." I said turning the cart down the next aisle.
"Again? You was just at the store yesterday."
"I know," I said looking in the cart full of things that I'd gotten from Target's home section that I know we didn't need, but it was too cute to pass up. "I needed a couple more things."
"Oh yeah, like what?"
"Like this cute bubble gum pink and sky-blue teepee for Camille's room."
"I don't think she need a teepee, 'Maj."
"Well I think she does, and she chose the color, so she thinks so too." I smiled at her, pushing the cart with one hand.
I grabbed the pack of Oreo's off the shelf and put them in the front part with Camille. I would eat some on the way home, so that way if Michael had a fit the damage would already be done.
Then I cut him off asking, "what do you want for dinner? Takeout or should we cook?"
I looked down at my feet that I could feel already swelling from being in the store for this long. "Or maybe you could cook? I think I'm going to be too tired to."
He laughed on his end. "Yeah, baby I'll cook. Now, get out the damn store."
"Roger that."
He spoke to Camille for a minute or two before she hung up on him. "Was he getting on your nerves? I know baby, mine too."
I turned out the snack aisle after grabbing a bag of soft-baked chocolate chip cookies and a family-sized bag of lays potato chips and went to go and grab a few cases of Evian water when I knocked my cart into the person coming down the next aisle.
"I'm so-Melanie?" I stopped once I realized who it was and we both smiled.
My eyes shifted to the little girl who was standing right by her side. She looked a couple years older than Camille, but no older than Samia who was six, so I put her at four or five. The girl shared some of Melanie's features, but the green-hazel color of her wide eyes looked so familiar as she looked up at me.
"How have you been?" Melanie asked, breaking my trance. "And who is this little cutie?"
"I'm doing good, really good, and this is Camille. Say hi Mimi." Camille looked at Melanie who put on her best baby voice and smiled widely to make herself look friendlier.
I thought that Camille would lighten up, but I noticed that if she could, she would've moved away from Melanie. Instead, she was in the car, so she just moved a little closer to me, holding her arms out for me, dropping the box of cereal on the ground.
I pushed the cart up a little, chuckling softly, as I bent down to grab the cereal. When I popped back up Melanie's eyes went right to my stomach.
"Oh, now I see why you cancelled your physical therapy. You know what I thought I saw a glow on you. Congratulations Semaj to you and Michael."
"Thank you, Mel. I appreciate it." I then smiled at the little girl she had with her. "Who's this?"
"This is my daughter, Stella."
My head popped up to look at her, "you have a daughter? I... I didn't know. Michael never mentioned it."
"Oh, yeah I never mentioned it to him. He never cared to ask either, but of course I'd only been around him a handful of times and during that time Stella's father was in town so she was with him."
"In town?" I shook my head, "forgive me. I'm prying, I'm nosey. You don't have to answer that."
Melanie laughed and shook her head. "No, it's okay. He's an international lawyer, so he practices all over the country. Wherever they need him really, so he bounces in and out of town, but thankfully he'll be stationed permanently in Los Angeles by February of next year."
"An international lawyer... they make good money."
"Hell yeah," she smiled. "So, are you guys having a boy or girl?"
I put my hand on my stomach, "um we're not sure. Michael wants to be surprised, so we're waiting..."
"I wanted to be surprised with Stella too, but it just ate out at me so much I ended up opening the envelope and ruining it for me and her father. I couldn't help it."
"I was like that with my first pregnancy too." My mind wondered back to when Michael and I tried to wait it out but were too excited and ended up finding out what we were having anyway.
"And look, you had a girl, too." Melanie gestured to Camille and I almost choked. "And she's beautiful too."
I was close to telling her that Camille wasn't mine, not wanting to take the shine away from Camry being her actual mother, but I kept my mouth closed. It didn't matter, Camille was as much of my daughter as she was Michael's.
"Yeah," I smiled looking at Camille, "she's our little miracle."
"Um listen," I looked over at Melanie, "Michael and I were convinced to host Christmas at our house, so when the family flies in within the next few days we're going to have a little party. You should come. You and Stella."
"Are you sure?" She asked, a little thrown off from my invitation and that was probably my fault.
She had extended an invitation numerous times to meet up or hang out and I'd declined every time, trying to keep her at a distance. But now that Michael and I were happily re-married and pregnant I didn't have a reason to be skeptical or insecure.
"Yeah, positive. We can exchange numbers now; I'd love to see you all there."
"Well, of course," she nodded, taking out her phone. I gave her my number and she texted me and I saved it where we stood.
After that we parted ways, because I knew if I wasn't home soon, Michael would come looking for me.
I called him when I was pulling through the gate and by the time I was slowing down to park he was already outside. He came to open my door, kissed me on my lips, and then retrieved Mimi from her seat in the back.
Once she was safely in the house and occupied with her Leap Pad and Michael had ushered me to sit down, he bought in the stuff I bought.
I'd gotten some more house décor and Christmas decorations even though the hanging lights outside plus the 16ft tree was enough for Michael's liking, I wanted more.
I actually wanted a 20ft tree, but they were all sold out and then there was a back order on them, so I settled for the next tallest that was in current stock.
It was in my formal living room, the colors of the decorations accentuating my new furniture and the Ash Grey hardwood flooring that was put down in place of carpet.
"A'ight," Michael said out of breath, coming down the steps with something in his hand. "All them damn pillows and shit is upstairs, the food is put up, and the snacks you tried to hide from me is in the bedroom in the container of the other snacks you be tryna hide."
My mouth dropped as he laughed, walking over to me and I noticed the blood pressure machine and small blue book in his hand. "Yeah baby, I know. You thought you could hide something from me?"
"For once I'd like to," I pouted as he sat on the ottoman in front of me.
Like clockwork I held out my arm and Michael put the blood pressure cuff on me. Every day, twice a day, and sometimes three times a day, he checked my blood pressure and recorded it in the little blue notebook.
I stilled hoping that it had went down a little than what it was this morning and by Michael's relieved expression it had. "140 over 95. Top is ten less than it was this morning."
"See? I bet all that walking I did in the store is the reason why," I smiled, and he smirked.
"Mhm," he chuckled. "Any headaches today?"
"Had one this afternoon."
"Scale of one to ten?"
I shrugged. "Seven."
He stopped writing and looked up at me. I puckered my lips and since my protruding belly made it hard for me to comfortably lean forward Michael stood up and kissed my lips. "Stop worrying, daddy. I'm okay. We're okay."
"Are you sure? 'Cuz we can go to the hospital right now."
"Positive. But I do need something from you."
"Anything. What you need?"
I smiled widely, "Dinner."
***
When the day came for Michael's family to arrive and part of mine, and when I said that I meant Simone, my mother, and Samia. My grandma was included in that, but since she lived in L.A., I didn't count her commute. I'd extended an invitation to my father, but he declined it, so I let it be.
I couldn't say that it didn't hurt though, but I didn't allow it to show because then Michael would have an issue.
Well, he and my dad already had an issue, but knowing that he had upset me would make the issue bigger.
But the less drama the better.
I wanted the weekend to be as drama free and fun as possible and if that was possible without my dad being there then I was glad he had decided not to show up.
Michael came into the bedroom as I was trying to lotion my feet but couldn't. I looked at him wanting to ask, but he'd just help me shaved in the shower. Granted I was a week shy of 4 months, but the way my weight gain and stomach were going you'd think I was farther along.
"Help," I whispered, holding out the cocoa butter.
Michael laughed and came over, grabbing the bottle out of my hand and squatting down to help me lotion my feet and legs. Once he was finished, he stood and kissed my lips, rubbing the remainder of the lotion on his arm.
"I'm about to head to the airport, okay? They all gon' be landin in a few," he looked down at his watch.
"Okay. Is everyone coming straight here or are they going to the hotel first?"
Now, I could persuade Michael to let us host Christmas at our house, but I could not persuade him to let any of his family members stay. The only people who got a pass was Katherine, and of course Janet, but he'd told his siblings that they'd have to go to a hotel.
But I told LaToya and Nate they could share a room, Janet and Simone were going to share, Katherine would have her own, Tucker and Lina would have one, and then my mother, Samia, and grandmother would be in the guest house and I told Randy he could have the air mattress in the living room on the terrace.
If I could've accommodated the rest of Michael's brothers on the property then I would have, but Michael had four more brothers who had wives and children. My house would definitely be looking a mess and not to mention the amount of air mattresses we would've had to purchase, so I gave in and agreed that it was best for them to stay in the nearby hotel. Luckily, it was only a 5-minute drive from the house.
"Hotel first," Michael answered, "then coming here after to eat. Courtney said she should be done by then."
Courtney was the chef that Michael had hired, and I guess he'd worked with her before during an event when him and I were separated, but he raved about her food and that took the strain off of me to cook so I agreed. Though, on Christmas day Michael promised to let us cook as a family, meaning the women would be in the kitchen.
"Okay, I'll be here... sampling the food and making sure it's good enough for everyone."
Michael laughed, shaking his head as he came over to kiss my cheek before he left. Now with him gone and Camille with Camry for the next two days since Michael took this year's Christmas it was just me.
So, after I got dressed, I walked to the kitchen where Courtney and her small crew had made themselves comfortable.
"Don't mind me, I'm just here to pass the time."
Courtney turned as I slid in a chair at the table and smiled. "Do you want to sample Mrs. Jackson?"
It was like she read my mind, or Michael tipped her off, either way I nodded my head eagerly. "I sure do."
I sampled a multitude of things, going back for seconds, but then before I could just say forget it and get me a whole plate the intercom sounded. I went and used the one in the master bedroom, so the cooks wouldn't hear.
"Yes?"
"Semaj?" I recognized my dad's voice. "It's your father."
I frowned and very confusingly I asked, "Why are you here? I thought you said you weren't coming?"
"Can you let me through the gate? Please, I want to talk to you. Hopefully without Michael interfering."
I took a deep breath and didn't reply but buzzed him through. By the time I got to the front door he was parking his car in the roundabout behind Michael's Jag. He got out but stood at the opened car door.
"Are you hungry?" He asked and I shook my head. "Got a sweet tooth at least?"
I actually did, but I didn't tell him that, I just shook my head again. I watched his shoulder's fall as he sighed.
"Semaj, I want to talk and preferably not in there. I'm asking nicely, please?"
This sudden change in attitude made me weary, but he was my dad, and no matter what he did that little girl inside of me still wanted him around no matter how bad of an idea it really was.
I looked down at the monster house shoes on my feet then back up at him actually pondering the idea. But then I remembered the cooks in the kitchen.
"I can't leave. Michael's not here, but we hired a chef and her and her crew are in the kitchen, and I don't want to leave the house unattended."
"Can I come in so we can talk then? Without Michael there it's a better time than ever."
I folded my arms, silence lingering between us before I finally nodded my head. "Okay."
Once he closed the door of the rental car, he followed me up the steps and into the house. I led him to the back so we could go outside near the pool to talk away from listening ears and just in case he was still here when Michael returned it gave me enough distance to rush my dad out the house before Michael could get to him.
We sat on opposite sides of the outdoor dining table on the opposite side of the pool.
"Living big out here in California, huh?"
"I guess..." My eyes narrowed, "wait how did you know where I lived?"
"Simone. It took a lot of talking for her to give it up, but I managed to convince her. The way things happened between us when you were in New Orlean's last..."
"Nothing happened," I shook my head. "It was the same thing as any time I visited. You barely talked to me and made sure you reminded Michael how much you hate him. Nothing new."
"Semaj-"
"You know you did this before?"
"Did what?"
"This nice guy act like you're trying to salvage our relationship, only for you to turn right back around and go back to your old ways."
"This is not an act."
"Okay, an encore then," I replied, and his jaw clenched.
"Semaj, I'm trying here..."
"Why?"
"You're pregnant."
"Not the first time."
"I want to be in my grandchild's life, Semaj. I had a long talk with your mother and-"
"And she convinced you to come here and talk to me? Where is she at, sitting in your hotel room waiting for you to come back so she can see how everything went?"
"I caught an earlier flight than her. She doesn't even know I'm here, only Simone does."
"So, you just came to this epiphany that you want to mend things with me now? When I've tried to have you in my life, I don't know how many times."
"It was hard to want to have anything to do with you Semaj being that you were throwing your life away for that boy," he snapped quickly, holding out his arms.
He sighed and folded his hands on the table, and I looked away but then turned back to face him.
"You hate Michael because he made me open my eyes. He showed me how to live my life and you couldn't have that. You wanted to keep me under your thumb as your naïve daughter and babysitter, but when he came around, he got me from up under you and I started making my own decisions and you couldn't stand it."
"He changed you."
"He helped me grow," I corrected him. "And now you hate him for being the opposite of everything you said he would be. He loves me, provides for me, I need nothing. I want for nothing. He's given me everything."
"That might be true, but he's taken some from you too, Semaj. Let's not forget that."
"I've done some things to him that I'm not proud of either," I quickly replied. "I was not a saint in our marriage the first time around."
"I didn't come here to argue Semaj I-"
"Then why did you come?"
"I came to apologize!" He yelled and I turned my teary eyes away from him. "I came to say that I'm sorry for how I treated you then and how I treat you now. Some things happened and it finally started to open up my eyes which is why I'm trying to be better for you and Simone. For Samia. While I think I might have damaged all I could have with Simone I hope there's still a chance for me and you.
You're my first-born Semaj and I vowed from the first day I held you in my arms that I would protect you and love you. That's all I wanted to do. And yeah, I admit I'm set in my selfish ways, but I'm trying to get better. I really am."
"Protect?" I turned back to face him. "Love? I can count on one hand how many birthday's, Christmas', and school events you and mom were present for. But counting how many you missed in the sake of your careers? Endless. I gave up almost all my teen years to raise my sister and though I love Simone very much I did not ask for her, but yet I was given the responsibility to take care of her. I sacrificed everything and all you've done is turned your back on me when I needed you most. You sided with my attacker and now you have the balls to sit in my face and apologize like you're this changed man?"
He reached out to grab my hand, but before he made contact, I pulled it back. "You don't know how long I've waited to hear an apology and for you to actually mean it. Mom has somewhat made up for her mistakes, but her constant need to side with you hurts the relationship I want to have with her, but with you dad... You come and go and expect everyone to move on your time. I always wanted you in my life, I've wanted you to love me the way I love you, but I saw a long time ago that you'll never be the father I want you to be."
I stood up from the table, wiping the tears that managed to fall from my eyes. "If Michael sees me like this, he'll lose it and he'll really lose it if you're here when he comes back. You can see yourself out, okay?"
I turned around, hearing him call out my name softly, but I kept walking, using the patio doors that led into the master bedroom to get back in the house instead of walking through the kitchen.
I definitely did not want the chef to see me like this.
Michael's POV
It only took an hour for one of my brothers to ask me for cash, then one more hour for them to annoy the fuck out of me.
So, by the time we got back to the house I was ready to send every one of they asses back on a plane to Louisiana.
I parked the Lexus, watching in the rearview as Tito, Jackie, and Jermaine pulled up in the three Escalades I rented right behind me.
Janet and Simone, used to the house by now, jumped out and grabbed their bags and ran into the house calling dibs on something I ain't care to catch.
"Oh, Michael it's beautiful," Mother smiled, comin to stand next to me. "Those pictures don't do it justice."
Janelle had come over too and I bit down on my bottom lip as she complimented the house too.
The last thing I wanted was for her ass to be here, but Semaj wanted Samia to come which meant inviting Janelle. And though she wasn't gon admit it Semaj had a softspot for Janelle even though she shouldn't of.
"Thanks, I appreciate it. Janelle, Jhene," I said when Semaj's grandma finally got out of the car. "The guesthouse is down the way, so ima put y'all bags in there and show y'all how to get there later."
They both nodded and following my mother went into the house. I waited until everyone was in the house before goin to drop the bags off at the guesthouse and then coming back.
"Where's Maj?" Lina asked when I walked in the house and I frowned.
"She ain't come out yet?" LaToya shook her head in place of Lina, so I walked to the master bedroom where I expected to see Semaj, but she wasn't in there.
I noticed Camille's bedroom light on down the hall, so I peeped in there. Semaj was on the floor with her headphones on, putting up the teepee she'd bought for her yesterday. I walked up behind her, tapping her shoulder and she jumped and turned around.
"You scared me!" She yelled too damn loud and I guess my face said it all cuz she laughed and took off the headphones. "I'm sorry baby."
I helped her off the ground and before I could ask her what was up, I heard Lina behind me.
"Aw, y'all made her room cute as shit," Lina said looking around then her eyes landed on Semaj and she laughed. "Damn 'Maj. You really are carrying twins."
Semaj's mouth dropped, "wait am I that big?"
"No," I eyed Lina then turned to Semaj, "you ain't."
"Well, shit look at me. I'm 35-weeks and fat as hell."
Semaj and me was obviously thinking the same thing because we looked at her but Semaj spoke first. "35 weeks and you got on a plane? You should've never flown here, Lina!"
"Man, the doctor told me I shouldn't fly either, but I know me, and I know my body, this child ain't gon come by 40 weeks. It's gon be 41... just watch."
"You don't even know that for sure Lina," Semaj shook her head, foldin her arms.
"I do, but it's cool. I needed a vacay and so did Tuck."
"Fine, but the first sign of labor and we takin yo ass to the hospital." She rolled her eyes, bumpin her shoulders wit' me but I was damn serious. I wasn't bout to be having no baby in none of the rooms of my house.
"Whatever, whatever. I smelled the food when I walked in so where is it? I'm hungry."
"Tell everybody they can go in the kitchen," Semaj laughed, "I'll be right there."
Lina nodded, backin' out of the room. "Ain't gotta tell me twice. Yo!" She yelled going down the hallway, "Maj said the food in the kitchen!"
"I'm hungry too," Semaj started outta the room and I was right behind her, but I gently redirected her to our bedroom.
She already knew what was up and sat down at the end of the bed and since it was recommended that you sit for fifteen minutes before taking your blood pressure, I made her talk to me about the names she had for the twins.
She smiled widely, causin' me to smile, because her excitement was new from the last time she was pregnant and I could never get over seeing her so happy.
"So, because Summer already gave me the boy, I'm sticking with Saair and for the girl, I don't want Camille to feel left out because her sister and brother have S names, so I was thinking either Cheyenne, Catalina, or Corinne."
"So, you tellin' me that my first-borne sun ain't gon be named after me?" I laughed and the look on Semaj's face made me laugh harder.
"Oh, he will be your son," she giggled, and I shook my head. "Well blame Summer because she's the one who told me his name. I had nothing to do with it."
I was sittin right next to her, so she easily got up, sliding into my lap, wrapping her arms aound my neck. "I'm sorry baby," she smiled. "Maybe next time?"
"Next time huh?" I kissed her lips and she nodded. "A'ight, I can agree to that. Saair it is, but if it's two boys I get one named after me."
She nodded, "done. And if there is a girl?"
"I like Cheyenne... or if it's two girls one girl can be Cheyenne and the other start with an M."
"Okay, what kind of M name do you have in mind?"
"I dunno 'bout that yet, but when I think of one, I'll let you know. Okay," I lightly slapped her thigh, "blood pressure."
She stuck out her arm and I put the cuff on her. The minute my eyes landed on 165 I frowned, looking up at her. "Is it high?"
"Too damn high. What did you eat today?"
She named off her meals and I ain't recognize nothing she ate, even the side snacks, that would have her blood pressure up this damn high.
"And then..." she got off my lap, playin with her hands. "I kind of had a visit from my James."
"James?" I asked for clarification and she nodded. "What the hell was he here for?"
"To apologize," she replied almost like she ain't believe it and I ain't blame her cuz off rip it sounded like a bunch of bullshit to me. "I think he's sick Michael."
"Why you say that?"
"Because I'm getting Joseph vibes from him... like something is wrong with him and he's trying to make amends."
"And how you feel bout that?"
She shrugged, "I don't know, and honestly, I don't want to think about it right now." She grabbed my hands, "let's just go and enjoy our family. I can overthink it tomorrow."
I laughed, getting up from the bed and nodding. Overthinking was her best quality.
***
Parties weren't my thing... socializing wasn't really my thing, but Semaj wanted to have a Christmas party and if it made her happy then I was gon' put up with it.
She'd invited some people she was still cool with from work and even sent some invitations to some of my employees including Hailey and my top security guard Bill.
It was at that moment I noticed that my baby really needed some friends, because bein in L.A. she had no one to blow off steam with especially since Shelby-who she considered her best friend-wouldn't be able to start working for me until February instead of October like I'd initially told her.
Semaj was too busy being a hostess and keepin' her cheeks full of food, so I had to worry bout answering the door. We'd left the gate open to keep from having to buzz people back, but in this case, I wish I woulda closed it when I saw James on the other side of the door.
His jaw clenched and I was bout to tell him to fuck off, but Lina came over, bumping into me.
"Hey Unc, what's up?"
"Hey Lina," James smiled, stepping in my house like I wasn't standin' right there. Then he looked at me, "Michael."
If Christmas wasn't Semaj's favorite holiday, and creating a scene would upset her, I would've dragged James out by the collar of his shirt. "James."
He walked away and I looked at Lina who shook her head. She patted my shoulder, "I hope your furniture wasn't that expensive."
I was just about to close the door when another car pulling at the back of the line of cars in the roundabout. I was confused at who else could possibly be here when I recognized Melanie when she got closer.
Semaj popped up behind me, waving at her. "Melanie!"
I was shocked at all the energy Semaj all of a sudden got because she hadn't been feelin' well earlier, bad enough to the point where I was bout to cancel the whole party, but she convinced me otherwise.
But if her blood pressure would've been as high like it was the other day then there wouldn't of been nothin' she could've said to convince me not to cancel the party.
I still was watchin' her like a hawk though because she was notorious for brushing stuff off even though she ain't feel good.
Her swollen feet and headache was enough, so if it got any futher than that then everybody was gon' have to get the hell out.
"Since when did you invite her?" I asked, not caring, but Semaj made it seem like she wanted nothing to do with her so I was confused as to why she was at the party.
"Well I found out she has a child and a man, so I figured we could be friends."
I laughed, shaking my head as Semaj waved Melanie over again. "Baby."
She gave me a guilty look then it turned innocent and she turned back to Melanie who'd finally made it over to us. "Aw, where's Stella, Melanie?"
"She wanted to stay with her granddad, so I said okay, plus I think I want a c0uple glasses of wine, so it's for the best." Melanie looked at me, "Hey Mike, long time no see."
"Same here, you been good?"
She nodded, "great."
"Good, look there's this really good wine that I convinced Michael to buy..." Semaj's voice trailed off as she linked her arm with Melanie and escorted her in the house.
I closed the door, turning toward all the people happily lingering in my house and shook my head. This shit couldn't be over fast enough.
After a annoyin' fifteen minutes of hospitality I ducked off upstairs not wanting to bring Semaj's happy mood down, but I was tired and just ready to end the party, but she was having too good of a time. Plus, I just needed a lil' second to breathe.
"It's a nice house," I heard James dry ass voice near me, and my closed eyes opened.
He was standin at the top of the stairs and I was sittin on the couch near the balcony that looked out over the side of the house where the lake was.
I raised an eyebrow and straight up ignored his ass. And like the control freak his ass couldn't help being he sighed and walked closer.
"I'm trying here for Semaj's sake but if you aren't-"
"If I ain't gon what? This ain't New Orlean's James and remember whose house yo ass standin' in right now."
It took a lot for his little fragile ass ego to swallow that and I found pride in getting him off his game too. I stood up walking closer to him. "You can come up here and try to fool Sey into thinkin you sorry, but I know the deal. You always had yo own agenda James and I know it ain't changed."
"You don't know what the hell you're-"
He stopped, turnin' around at the sound of Melanie asking me where the bathroom was as she came up the steps. "There's someone in the one down-" She stopped, looking at James. "This is the event you said you had to come to?"
I raised my eyebrow. "You know him?"
"Of course, I do," Melanie laughed. "He's my daughter's father."
I folded my arms turning to James waiting to see if he was gon deny it, but he just stood there looking like he saw a ghost. Finally, he asked, "Mel, what are you doing here?"
"These are the friends I was telling you about," she said gesturing to me. "I didn't know you two worked together."
"Oh, nah, we don't." I quickly answered, "this is Semaj's father, Melanie."
Melanie shook her head, chuckling nervously. "No, no, because Semaj just introduced me to her mother Janelle and the big ring on her finger tells me she's married. So, unless..." Melanie looked at James, shaking her head when that guilty look came on his face. "You son of a bitch."
Right behind Melanie I could see Semaj making her way up the steps, so I took a step back and cleared my throat. She smiled, stepping to the top.
"Oh Mel, you've met my dad James. Dad this is Melanie. She was my PT for a while, but now since it's over we're just friends."
"Semaj..." Melanie sighed, looking up at me, but I shook my head.
Semaj's blood pressure had already been too high for my liking and she still insisted on the party and I gave in, but I be damned if I let James bullshit stress her out even more.
But Semaj must have noticed my warning at Melanie because those brown eyes bounced between the three of us.
"What?" Then when no one said anything she stopped smiling. "Can someone please tell me something? Because now I feel like I walked into something I wasn't supposed to."
I knew James and the lack of balls he had to not be a bitch was gon stay quiet, and I was gon just tell her, but Melanie spoke up.
"Semaj, I know your father..."
"Oh yeah?" Semaj smiled, "how?"
"James is... is Stella's father."
I turned my head lookin' at Melanie and thinkin in my head that she could've said that shit a little better than how she did. But before I could say something 'bout that I looked at Semaj who's smile slowly faded.
"Wait," Semaj closed her eyes for a long second then opened them, pointin' to James. "He's the man that never misses a birthday, holiday, or school recital? This man right here? The caring, the gentle, this-nah. No way, because this man right here is a liar, a cheat, and a man who should've never had kids."
"Semaj-" James reached for her but I intercepted it and Semaj moved back.
"Don't you dare touch me. You... I have nothing else to say. I'm all out of words." She started to walk away but stopped and turned back around. "No, wait. I have three more; go to hell."
"Now you hold on one damn minute, Semaj! Don't walk away from me Semaj or I'll-" James yelled, and Semaj whipped around.
In a sharp tone, her mouth tight, she asked. "Or what?!"
"A'ight," I put my hand on her hip. She was getting herself too worked up now. "That's enough. Let's go outside."
Semaj pushed my hand away never takin her eyes off James.
"All you do is lie, cheat, lie, and cheat again. All my life that's all you've ever done. You were the worst father anyone could ever ask for and I always hoped you would change, but yet you go and play perfect house with your mistress?! There is a special place in hell for you. The Devil wrote your name on it."
I followed after Semaj as she went down the stairs. The party was over now for sure bein that everyone was watchin the mess unfold. Janelle had moved closer to the staircase and Semaj stopped and looked at her.
"I want everyone to meet my lying, cheating ass father." She then gestured to James who came down right behind us then turned back to her mother. "If you go back to him again it'll be the dumbest decision you ever made."
"Semaj," Janelle shook her head, but I could see the hurt all on her face. "Stop."
"Me? Stop? He cheated on you again. On his family, again. Except this time, he had a child on you. Good luck with that."
Janelle obviously hurt and embarrassed felt the need to jab back at Semaj. She tossed her hair over your shoulder, "obviously he's no better than Michael. So, you're not going to stand here and-"
The smack that Semaj sent across her face even had me stepping back, but before Janelle could retaliate, I pulled Semaj back.
I didn't understand why she was so hurt or upset, but I could see it all in my baby's face and in her stance like she was tired and over it, which I knew she was.
"Semaj, don't you ever put your hands on your mother-"
"Both of you get out of my house," she said looking at them. "Leave my house, leave the state, and don't ever contact me again."
I watched Semaj press her palm to her temple and that's when I stood in front of her. She looked up at me with tear-filled eyes. "You need to calm down, you hear me?"
"Calm? Calm? When every time I'm happy something turns around and smacks me in the face and shows me just how miserable I really am?"
"Semaj," I heard Melanie's soft voice behind me, "I'm so sorry. I promise I didn't know."
Janelle snapped at her, "how about you just shut up?"
"Oh, don't get mad at her mom," Semaj laughed. "Get mad at your cheating husband. Do you know he actually remembers birthday's? He actually shows up for school events too. He even has the nerve to take off for the damn holidays... At least with her daughter he does."
And that's when I recognized it. That pain, the cynical laughter, I knew all too well when Joseph left us for his other family who I felt he treated and loved more than he did me and my siblings.
"Semaj when you were younger, I was doing what I needed to do in order to provide for-"
"Oh, shut the hell up," she laughed again, rolling her eyes. "If I have to hear that line one more time I swear I'll die."
"You can be pissed, hurt, but what you won't be is disrespectful Semaj."
I turned to face James, pointing to the door. "You gotta go, now."
"And don't ever come back," I heard Semaj's broken voice behind me. "You too Janelle."
Semaj's hands went to her head again and she let out a heavy sigh before looking up at me. Confusion flashed on her face as she looked around and I narrowed my eyes. "Hey, look at me."
I grabbed her chin so I could keep her eyes on me, but the blank stare on her face scared the hell out of me. Her attitude had shifted just like that.
I looked over at Lina who was standing closest to the couch, a worried look on her face.
"Lina toss me a pillow."
"Toss you a-"
"Toss me a damn pillow!"
She tossed it to me and right as I did, I felt Semaj's body tense in my arms, and she went backwards. Nate was closest so he helped me catch her as body seized.
The room went into panic mode as every started to ask me what was going on, but I ain't know where the hell this was coming from.
But I wasn't ignorant to the signs of a seizure, but still I ain't know why in the hell it was happening to my wife either.
***
Semaj's POV
It didn't take much to figure out where I was when I finally came to. The beeping sound of the hospital machines I knew all too well, but at least this time I wasn't in here because someone had hurt me.
It took me a second, but once I opened my eyes and they adjusted to the room, I noticed Michael off to the corner, sleeping. At first his name escaped my mouth like a croak, but I cleared my throat and tried again. He quickly came to, looking around and once he saw I was awake he jumped up from the chair and came to my side.
He pressed the call button as he looked down at me. My arms felt heavy as I lifted one to rub at my eye. "What happened?"
"You had a seizure Semaj," he sighed, and I could see the worry all in his face.
But I was awfully confused. "A seizure? I've ever had one before in my life."
"I know," he smiled wearily. "The doctors ran some test while you were out."
"Out? How long was I out?"
"A little over twenty-four hours," he replied, and I looked him up and down. He still had on his clothes from the party.
"Wait, then that means tomorrow is Christmas," I tried to sit up quickly, but Michael gently pushed my shoulders back down. "Michael, I do not want to be in the hospital on Christmas. I don't want to be in the hospital at all, now let me up."
"Semaj, you seized in my arms, stop."
I huffed, but the look on his face forced me to stop trying to convince me and I laid my head back on the pillow right as the nurse walked in the room.
"Oh good, you're awake. I'll page the doctor okay?"
Michael turned to her and nodded, "thank you."
"I had a seizure. In front of everyone?"
"Scared the hell out of everybody too." He brushed my hair back from my face and the stood up straight. He grabbed the chair and pulled it closer to my bedside. "Scared the shit out of me. Do you remember anything?"
"Just being really confused," I said after thinking for a second. "That's all. God, I have a headache."
Michael grabbed my hand and a few minutes later the Doctor walked into my room.
"Nice to see you're awake Semaj, I'm Dr. Daniels OB/GYN. How are you feeling?"
"I feel awful," I replied watching as he grabbed the chair to come and sit down and that didn't make me feel better. It made me feel worse because any time Doctors sat down, they were always delivering bad news.
"I apologize, but the anti-seizure medication makes you drowsy, so we knew that you would be out for a while. But while you were resting we received the records from your primary care doctor both here and the one you had in Louisiana and like you know you've never had an issue with seizures."
I shook my head, "never."
Dr. Daniels nodded. "Well you had two seizures; one the night they brought you in, and one earlier this morning. So far you've in the clear, but for them to come out of the blue like this concerned me especially since you're pregnant, so I ran some test to try and figure out what could be causing this. Your husband here told me you've been having fluctuations in your blood pressure, but it's been higher than normal?"
"Yeah," I whispered, nodding, feeling Michael squeeze my hand. I looked at him, fearing that he knew something I didn't. "I've always had normal BP until this pregnancy..."
"And with the bad nausea, severe headaches, and the unusual weight gain I ran a blood platelet count through a series of liver and kidney functions test. I also have been monitoring your urine for the last twenty-four hours and it brought up something unusual in women at your stage of pregnancy."
I asked, my voice barely above a whisper, "and what's that?"
"It's called eclampsia, Semaj. Preeclampsia is a hypertension disease that is common in women who are pregnant and the symptoms of it are irritability, headaches, swelling, and in some cases vision loss. In patients who have the progressive form, eclampsia, seizures are included in those lists of symptoms, which is what you are diagnosed with. Now you are a part of those 1% of rare cases where women develop it before twenty weeks considering you're only fifteen."
"So," I looked at Michael who looked on the verge of tears and then back at the doctor. "So, you're telling me I just jumped right to eclampsia?"
"No, it was already developed went undiagnosed but it just progressed fairly quickly, which is why I said it's uncommon. Very uncommon in women at this stage of their pregnancy and in women period."
"Okay," I nodded, "so tell me what I need to do then. What are the treatments?"
"There aren't medicinal treatments for Eclampsia. It is usually eliminated by delivering the baby and the placenta. However, with the severity of your condition Semaj you are at risk for having more seizures during this pregnancy or even stroke both of which can lead to a coma."
The laugh that I let out, close to a cry, had Michael letting go of my hand and sitting back in the chair. "A coma?"
"Yes, I'm sorry."
"And you said the only way to treat this is to deliver my babies?" He nodded. I looked at Michael, watching him swallow as he looked at me. The silent tears coming down his face told me there was more to it, so I turned back to the doctor. "So what are you suggesting we do?"
"In your case, with the severity of your case, I'm recommending a therapeutic abortion. You're only 15-weeks which is too early for delivery if you want to give the babies a chance, but I'm also afraid of trying to get you to stretch to 25 to 28 weeks because of your high risk of having a stroke or falling into a coma. It's a lot of stress on your body, Semaj."
"So, either way I could lose my babies?"
"In a way, yes. Or if you take the chance to continue to carry them we might be able to save them, but then that's putting you at risk."
"So, basically," I said, feeling the tears running down my face. "You're telling me I have to choose between carrying my babies and dying, carrying my babies and they be born too early and die, or saving myself by having this therapeutic abortion? Who the fuck names an abortion therapeutic?!"
"It's a hard decision to make and I-"
"A hard decision to make? This is not something that can be decided on. I basically have to choose between myself and my babies and how is that fair? Not even to me but how is that fair to them that my body can't handle it?"
"We can try and make this as comfortable as possible for you, and I'm going to keep you here in the hospital in close quarters, but you're going to need to make a decision Semaj, I'm so sorry."
I turned my head away from Dr. Daniels and Michael nodded at him and soon it was just me and him in the room. Michael stood up, looking down at me with red eyes and I shook my head.
"I'm being punished," I whispered, trying my hardest not to ball out in tears when I really wanted to. "I'm being punished for the abortion. This is God's way of trying to get back at me and I can't take it," I shook my head. "I can't do this."
Michael took my hand in his, gently pressing his forehead onto mine. He took a deep breath and then he said, "I've had a couple hours to think bout this Sey and we can always have more kids. If not biologically, then adopt-"
I pulled my hand from his causing him to lift up. "You want me to get the abortion?"
"You don't?" He furrowed his brows, "did you not hear him say you could have a stroke or go into a coma? You could die tryna give birth Semaj."
"I will die if I have to lose another child, Michael."
He sighed, looking away, taking his seat. He rubbed his hands over his face and let out a deep breath. "We can have another child, baby, but I ain't 'bout to gamble with your life."
"You're not gambling with it," I replied surely. He frowned at me as I wiped at the tears. "I am and I don't want to give up my babies. I've carried them for almost four months so I know them."
"Maybe we need to take a lil' more time to think it thro-"
"No," I shook my head. "I don't need any more time to think. I'm not doing it."
"You're not doing it?" He asked as if he hadn't heard me.
"Summer got taken from me and I made the choice to get rid of our other baby, so no, this time around it's not happening. I am not losing my babies Michael and I'm not letting anyone take them away."
"So, what you gon' hold out as long as you can to give birth when they still might not make it? So what the fuck am I supposed to do if I lose my kids and my wife, huh?"
"You won't. Even if I don't make it I believe they will. You're their father and I'm their mother. We have been through hell and back. We're fighters and so are they, so even if I don't make it Michael, I know they will."
"Semaj you bettin' on shit that you ain't sure about," he stood up, shaking his head. "You wanna make a decision now? Fine. You're having the abortion."
"No, I'm not."
He growled, "Semaj-"
"How can you just give up our babies like that? Like you don't care or love them? How is this an easy decision for you?"
"No, don't you dare."
"Well-"
"I love both of them. I would do everything, pour all my money into test to get them to survive, but not if it means losing you. When we got re-married I stood there and I told you that you are my heart in human form and I did not mean that shit lightly Sey. I will not make it without you, so do not put me in this position. We can have more children, we can get our family, but I can't get my wife back once I lose you."
"I'm sorry," I whispered, then shook my head, wiping my face again. "But I'm not-"
"Semaj-"
"You always say it's my decision right? That whatever I chose then you'll follow? Does it not apply here?"
"Definitely don't apply here."
"And why the hell not?"
"Because I might lose you!" He yelled, his voice cracking, tears streaming down his face. "I buried my daughter, I buried my father, but I'll be damned if I bury my fucking wife. This is tearing me up Semaj to have to choose, but Ima need you baby and I can't lose you, so please... don't do this to me."
Tensions were high and we were both emotionally unstable and in shock, but Michael knew what he wanted, and so did I.
"And I can't walk this earth knowing that I had to bury three of my own kids."
Michael's jaw clenched and he stood up straight, backing up from my bed. He licked his lips and used his shirt to wipe at his wet and red face.
He shook his head, "and what happens if I lose all three of y'all huh? What the hell you expect me to do?"
"Michael that's not gon-"
"Obviously the fucking odds ain't in our favor baby!" He chuckled, shaking his head. "Cuz shit just keep coming left and right and I'm sick of clinging to fucking hope just to get fucked in the end. Get the abortion."
"This is one of those times where you need to trust me and follow me Michael. You're always saying-"
"Hell no!" He barked at me, "I ain't following shit, because when it comes to choosing whether you live or die I get a fucking say too."
I turned my head away from him, seeing as we weren't going to get on the same page. I listened as he kicked over the hospital chair, letting out a loud fuck.
The sound of him crying had me looking back his way my heart breaking in two as I knew he probably hated me right now. Me and this decision.
I held out my hand for him, needing him to come closer to me, but he shook his head. "I need some air."
He started for the door, but I stopped him feeling the tears continuously fall down my cheeks. "You promised you would hold me every night," I reminded him, and he stopped in his tracks. "Even when you're pissed."
He turned back around like he was fighting on the choice to stay or leave, but he gave in and after a second of hesitation he came back over to me.
I moved over in the bed and he got in no other words being exchanged between us and as I felt him wrap his arms around me I felt comfort and content with my decision, drifting back off to sleep seeing that it was easier to sleep than to keep wracking at my brain.
Unfortunately, when I woke up a few hours later it was pitch black outside and Michael was gone, Lina having taken his place in the chair next to my bedside. She looked up at me, noticing me looking around.
"Where's Michael?"
Her smile faded and then she shrugged. "He didn't say where he was going 'Maj, I'm sorry..." She jumped up trying to shush as me as the loud cries I had been holding in made their way out. "Hey, hey, 'Maj it's okay, it's gonna be okay..."
I wasn't sure if Michael had told anyone what was going on, but even if he had I knew that it wasn't okay.
This time it definitely wasn't okay...
***
Why does it feel that my mind is constantly trying to pull me down?
I can't seem to get away
Continuous mistakes I know I've made before
How long will I feel so out of place?