"Salamat po," magalang kong wika sa matandang lalaking nakangiti at palabas na ng suite ni Oliver.
"Salamat, Edgar," dagdag naman ni Oliver na noon ay nakatayo malapit sa dining table. "Especially for these snacks. And stuff."
Napakunot-noo ako sa pagkakangisi ng housemate ko nang mabanggit ang salitang 'stuff'. The old man also chuckled but said nothing kaya mas lalong nadagdagan ang pagtataka ko. Pagkatapos yumukod sa aming dalawa ay tuluyan na nga ring nagpaalam at umalis na ito.
As soon as we returned sa suite ni Oliver, bigla kong naalala na kailangan kong ibigay kay Rachel ang susi ng kanyang sasakyan. Dahil hindi ko alam kung anong kuwarto ang maibibigay sa kanya mamaya or if whether she will stay here at The Adriatico, balak ko sanang iwan ang susi sa front desk. I-te-text ko na lang pagkatapos si Rachel para sabihin that the keys are at the front office. Ang kaso, ayaw pumayag ni Oliver na lumabas ako. So we compromised. He called for his butler.
Ilang minuto pagkatapos maibaba ang telepono, may kumakatok na sa pinto at si Edgar na nga iyon na may dalang isang pinggan ng snacks na agad nitong nilapag sa dining table. Tinubuan ako ng ilang nang ma-realize ko that being inside a man's room nang disi-oras ng gabi must look improper to the butler. He looks like he's from my grandmother's generation and my lola would have disapproved of what I am doing. I wanted to dive behind the black-out curtains ng living room para magtago pero I know I will look even more stupid that way. Kaya pinigilan ko ang ang aking sarili. Good thing lang at mukhang hindi naman judgmental ang butler. Or he was just too professional to show his real thoughts and feelings on his face.
Lumapit na rin ako sa dining table. "What was that all about? Anong stuff?"
He chuckled bago may pinulot mula sa pinggan at tinapon sa parte ng mesang pinakamalapit sa akin. Red exploded on my cheeks when I recognized what they were. Tatlong pakete ng condom. That's the stuff na nginingisihan nilang dalawa ng butler.
Lupa, lamunin mo na ako please.
"I'm on the pill." Hindi ako makatingin kay Oliver nang sinabi ko iyon. Hindi namin kailanman napag-usapan ang tungkol sa proteksyon. I didn't know how to broach the subject with him so I dealt with it on my own.
"I know." Napa-angat ako ng tingin at napatitig sa kanya. Kumibit-balikat lang siya sa katanungang nakikita niya sa aking mga mata. "I saw them inside your bathroom drawers. Are you taking them religiously?"
Napilitan akong tumango. The university doctor was very clear on the importance of never missing a day.
"We don't really need these then. Unless you insist on it. You feel amazing bareback," walang kagatol-gatol niyang sabi. Bumaba sa aking leeg ang pag-iinit na nararamdaman ko sa aking mga pisngi.
"Don't you want to get pregnant by me?" he asked, curiosity evident in his voice.
If the question is a joke, his serious expression does not fit. "Nag-aaral pa tayo, Oliver."
He shrugged. "So pagka-graduate nating pareho, in two years time, puwede na?" Lumapit siya sa akin at hinapit ang aking baywang sabay sapo sa aking puson. "I want a lot of kids. Malungkot ang nag-iisang anak."
I stared up at him. "Nasisiraan ka na ba ng bait?"
He grinned down at me. Wickedly. "We're going to be together a lot in the foreseeable future, Rodriguez. Since wala akong balak maging mongha for all that time, kids will definitely be in the picture. Kids, love. Plural. I'd rather that they be here sooner. But sure, I can wait. Huwag lang masyadong matagal. Hindi tayo makakarami kung masyadong matagal. I want at least six."
"Ulol. Mo." Asik ko sa kanya na ikinahalakhak niya lang. Parang baliw.
"Guilty as charged, baby. Ulol na ulol na ulol. Sa'yo."
Ibinaon niya ang kanyang mga daliri sa aking buhok and at marahan itong hinila. Napatingala tuloy ako and his mouth slanted over mine for a wet, deep, and a little desperate kiss. I have always been putty for San Martin's kisses. Always have. Maybe, always will.
I knew I looked drunk nang pinakawalan niya ako and the smug smirk on his face proved it. "Don't be cheeky, San Martin," I glared up at him while I try to gather my wits around me.
Lalo lang lumapad ang pagkakangisi niya. Sa inis, natampal ko siya sa dibdib. He retaliated by swinging me up and carrying me bridal-style habang pinupupog ako ng mga mumunting halik sa gilid ng aking mukha. Nakikilita ako sa kanyang buhok and I tried wriggling to get away from him pero hinigpitan niya lang ang pagkakakapit sa akin.
Humahagikhik pa rin ako when he tossed me on the bed. Marahan niyang hinila ang aking mga binti to make me lie straight down on the bed. Gently, he pried my legs apart before crawling up and dropping his body over mine. His bulge perfectly lined up over my cloth-covered mound while his weight braced on both arms by the sides of my head.
Magiliw niya akong nginitian bago dumukwang at ginawaran ako ng mabining halik sa pisngi. Napapikit ako roon at muling nagmulat nang lumayo ang mukha niya. Muli akong napapikit ng ang kabilang pisngi ko naman ang kanyang hinalikan.
"My Sabrina. So beautiful."
Hindi ko mapigilan ang umuusbong na tuwa sa aking dibdib sa sinabi niyang iyon pero pinipilit ko iyong supilin. I was always the cute one. Never the beautiful one. That has always been Rachel. For someone who is as beautiful as Oliver San Martin to say something like this to old little me is a bit unbelievable.
"Weh. Huwag mo na akong hiritan. Makikipagsayaw naman ako sa'yo without that," pabiro kong sambit.
Muli siyang dumukwang and grazed the tips of his teeth on one of my cheeks. "Kapag napuno na ako sa'yo, kakagatin na talaga kita. You always think me a liar."
His voice was threatening pero sino naman ang matatakot gayong ang sarap sa pakiramdam ng ginawa niya.
"Sige nga. Kagat nga," kantiyaw ko sa kanya sabay tawa. Sabay lapit pa ng pisngi ko sa kanya. Natawa na rin siya.
"Tease," akusa niya, nuzzling the cheek I was offering.
"Bolero," ganti ko.
He literally growled in frustration. "I'm not!" mariing niyang pagtanggi.
Isiniksik niya ang mukha sa pagitan ng aking leeg at balikat. More of his body pressed on me but but he is still sustaining much of his weight off me na hindi naman ako tuluyang nadadaganan. Marahan niyang kinagat niya ang gilid ng aking leeg. I felt his teetha nd instead of pain, his actions brought delicious tingles. Those same tingles became lightning that raced along my veins when the tip of his tongue traced the indentations on my skin left by his teeth. My eyes fluttered close as a low moan escaped my lips.
"Teach me, baby." I can barely hear his plea from too much sensations coursing through me. "Teach me how to please you."
I opened my eyes a crack and found him looking at me intently. "You always please me, Oliver."
Tumaas ang isa niyang kilay. "Yeah? Hindi halata."
"I wouldn't be here with you if hindi," simple ko namang tugon.
Sa hindi ko maintindihang kadahilanan biglang bumusangot ang kanyang mukha. "Ohhh. Okay. So, katawan ko lang talaga ang habol mo sa akin. Now, I understand. Sige."
At bigla niya akong binitawan pagkatapos niya iyong sabihin. Umalis siya sa pagkakadagan sa akin and expertly slid to the sides. He fluffed the pillows at agad humiga doon patalikod sa akin. I was left staring at his broad back in confusion.
Nagmamaktol ba ito? Tonight? Of all nights?
Napaupo ako paharap sa kanyang likod. Yumuko at sinilip ang kanyang ekspresyon to check kung seryoso ba itong galit sa akin o nagbibiro lang. Nararamdaman niya yata nag balak ko kasi tinaas niya ang isang braso sa tapat ng pisngi at lalong ibinaon ang mukha sa unan. Namaluktot pa siya para hindi ko talaga masilip ang mukha niya.
"Oi Oliver," kagat-labi kong niyugyog ang kanyang balikat pero hindi niya ako pinansin. "Oliver, huy. Para kang ewan." At inulit ko pa ang pagyugyog. Ganoon pa rin ang reaksyon niya. Mas nagmatigas pa nga.
"Oliver," angil ko. Hindi ko na alam kung anong gagawin para harapin niya ako. I can't physically force him to do it. Di hamak na mas malakas siya sa akin.
"Wala," sambit niya sa unan. "Katawan ko lang pala. I deserve to be treated better than this, Sabrina."
Gusto kong isiping nakikipaglaro lang siya sa akin pero hindi ko maiwasang tamaan sa sinabi niya. Am I really here just because I like what his body does to me? Am I really with him for how good he makes me feel and has no concern for his feelings? Is that what I make him feel? Used?
Naitikom ko ng mahigpit ang aking mga labi. At sinubukan kong lumunok sa kabila ng namumuong bikig sa aking lalamunan. He doesn't have to but he makes me feel loved every time we are together. Secure. Kaya tama siya. He deserves to be treated right, especially by me.
At akala ko, nasusuklian ko, kahit papaano ang binibigay niya sa akin. It just sucks to hear na hindi pala. I have nothing else of note to give maliban sa naibigay ko na: katawan, oras, puso. I crossed my fingers and hoped it was enough. Kahit panandalian lang. Just until someone who is better comes along. 'Yong walang gulo na katulad ng mayroon ako. 'Yong walang baggages na katulad ko. Someone who could just delight in being with Oliver without second guessing herself at every turn? Someone who isn't me. At habang wala pa sana ang taong iyon, I thought I'm holding the fort. Akala ko lang pala.
Why am I even here?
I need to breathe.
Tinigilan ko na si Oliver and slid my legs over the sides of the bed. Akmang tatayo na ako nang may matitigas na mga brasong pumulupot sa baywang ko and hauled me back up against a hard chest. I glanced at the now seated Oliver who is glaring fiercely down at me.
"Where the fuck do you think you're going?," asik niya.
"Sa labas? To find you someone better for you," pabiro kong wika and I even tried smiling up at him but I guess it turned watery.
"For the love of God, Sabrina!" He snarled. "I was kidding! Hindi na ba ako puwedeng magbiro ngayon without turning you weepy? Are you sure you're not yet pregnant? Hindi ka naman ganito ka-sensitibo dati ah."
At tuluyan na nga akong napahikbi at napatawa na hindi ko maintindihan. God, the feeling of relief.
"Will you stop that?" Puno ng iritasyon ang tono ng boses niya pero marahan namang dumadampi ang palad niya sa aking pisngi. Tinutulungan niyang punasan ang mga luha kong parang ayaw magpa-awat. "Wiping your tears like this is not my fun idea of celebrating the Finals Cup, Rodriguez. In my head, kung lumuluha ka man, tears of orgasmic joy. Not this."
"Ikaw eh. Kung ano-anong sinasabi." At patuloy ako sa pagpupunas ng nangingilid kong luha.
He rolled his eyes and tightened his arms wrapped around me. "Ang mga sinasabi kong gusto kong mag-sink-in sa'yo lumalabas sa kabilang tainga. Ang mga walang-kuwenta, binibigyan mo ng pansin. You're an idiot."
Mariin kong kinurot ang braso niyang nakapalibot sa akin but he just shrugged it off. Kagat lang siguro ng langgam iyon sa kanya.
"You seriously think I would mind if you're lusting after my goddamn body?" pagpapatuloy niya. "Ano ba naman, Sabrina. Nakalimutan mo na ba kung sino ako? The manwhore. Remember? So, lust away, love. Pagnasaan mo ako hanggang matapos ang walang hanggan. Don't stop even then."
I laughed softly. The tears finally stopped. Parang gago ito. "I don't want to make you feel insecure."
He snorted. "You are annoying sa tuwing binabasag mo'ng diskarte ko sa'yo, true. Pero insecure? Ako? The only thing that could probably bring me to my knees and crawl is if you tell me that you're going to leave me and mean it. The rest? Not bloody likely. I'm Oliver San Martin, baby. My ego is as big as the skies."
Umalis ako sa pagkakayakap niya at hinayaan niya naman ako. I shifted to face him, raising myself on my knees in between his outstretched legs. Marahan ko siyang tinulak at lumapat ang kanyang likod sa mga unan, his head against the padded headboard. Kunot-noo na siyang nakatingala sa akin at ako naman ang nakatungo sa kanya.
"Thank you for saying all these things," magiliw kong wika sabay haplos sa kanan niyang pisngi.
Umismid siya. "Na wala rin namang kuwenta dahil hindi ka na nga gumaganti, hindi ka pa naniniwala."
Mahina akong tumawa and pressed a soft kiss on his forehead. Pumikit siya nang lumapit ang aking mukha sa kanya at muli rin namang nagmulat when I leaned back.
"Thank you for being so patient and kind with me."
"May choice ba ako? I don't want to pick another, Rodriguez."
My heart is too full that I feel I can carry the weight of the world. Siksik, liglig, at umaapaw. Punong-puno para magka-agam-agam pa. "And I choose you, too, San Martin. As crazy and as stupid as that sounds."
It took a lot from me to utter those words. Saying them out loud is like giving him the first key to breaking me. I don't want to be more broken than I already am. But, he deserves to hear it. Here's to hoping that he'll catch me and hold me for as long as the fates allows us. With what was left of my heart that once believed in fairytales on my sleeves, I met his searching eyes.
Lumamlam ang tinging ipinupukol niya sa akin and my fingers on his shoulders started to tremble. I tried to control it but I failed. He caught them in his hands, closed them, brought them to his lips and gently kissed my knuckles one by one. "Was it that frightening to admit, Sab?"
"I-I-," I stammered out but I can't form a single coherent word. Nor thought. My mind is blank and all that I can do is drown in the storm whipped by own emotions.
Kinabig niya ako na nabuwal ako sa kanya. Pumulupot ang braso niya sa akin, ang isang palad ay nakasapo sa aking batok habang ang kabila naman ay marahang humahagod sa aking likod. Tuluyan kong ipinaubaya sa kanya ang aking bigat at mahigpit ring yumakap. Ibinaon ko ang aking mukha sa kanyang balikat at pinagbigyan ang aking sarili. Muli akong tahimik na lumuha, para kay Oliver at para sa sarili kong unti-unting naniniwala na baka nga, baka, nasa baraha ko nga rin talaga ang mahalin.
"Shhh, love, shhh," bulong niya sabay mabining halik sa pisngi ko. Lalo kong isiniksik ang aking sarili sa kanya. Baka sa pamamagitan nito, hindi ko na kailangang bumitiw pa.
"It's alright. You don't have to say anything. I can say it enough for the both of us, enough to last us a long, long, long time." Mabining dampi na naman ng kanyang labi sa parte ng mukha kong naabot niya. Lalong dumiin ang pagkakapikit ko habang patuloy pa rin ang walang habas na pagpatak ng mga luha.
"I love you, Sab. Do you hear? I love you. So much."
Lalong lumakas ang aking hikbi. Halos hindi na ako makahinga sa mga luha pero nagpatuloy lang siya sa salitang pagdeklara ng pagmamahal at sa mabining paghalik sa akin. Gusto kong pektusan ang aking sarili. Bakit hindi ko rin masabi? Nararamdaman ko naman. Nasa loob ko. Hindi na nga ako makahinga sa laki. Pero bakit? Bakit hindi ko masabi?
Pinilit kong iangat ang aking mukha mula sa kanyang balikat. Hilam man ng luha ang aking mga mata, pinilit ko pa rin siyang titigan. The look of adoration on his face makes me wanna bury my face on his shoulder again.
"I love you."
"P-please stop, Oliver."
"Never," mariin niyang pagtanggi. "I love you, Sabrina. I love you."
"S-stop it."
I tried covering his mouth with my trembling hand but he kept at it. Saying the words, over and over again. In various languages he speaks as he kisses my palm and fingers in between. I can't stand it anymore.
Inalis ko ang aking palad mula sa ibabaw ng kanyang bibig at sinapo ang kanyang panga. Ang isa ko namang palad ay lumipat sa kanyang batok. I leaned over him and drew him for a kiss. A desperate one. Unfortunately, I had to withdraw for air.
Nangingintab at halos namamaga ang pang-ibaba niyang labi nang siya'y bitiwan ko. "I'm sorry," my fingers skimming across the lip that I hurt.
"Don't be," he whispered. Nakasuporta ang dalawa niyang kamay sa aking likod. "More, love. I can take more."
Muling naghumpong ang aming mga labi at maging ang aming mga katawan. Hindi ni halos matukoy kung saan siya nagsisimula at kung saan ako nagtatapos. Nakalingkis ang dalawa kong braso palibot sa kanyang leeg habang hinili naman ako ng mga braso niya palapit at pataas sa kanyang katawan. He folded his knees and supported my back with his thighs, thus freeing his hands na pareho niya lang itinukod sa kama.
I pushed myself off him, my hands on his shoulders, supporting my weight. Namumungay ang mga matang tinitigan niya ako. If I can't say the words, I can make him feel them.
Dinampian ko ng halik ang kanyang mga talukap hanggang sa tuluyan na siyang pumikit. My lips traced the bridge of his nose before pressing a soft kiss on its tip. Lumipat ako sa kanyang pisngi, pababa sa kanyang mga panga at pataas muli sa kabila. Muli akong humiwalay sa kanya nang masiguro kong nahalikan ko na ang bawat pulgada ng kanyang mukha.
Mataman lang na pinanood ni Oliver ang paisa-isa kong pagtanggal sa pagkakabutones ng aking damit habang hindi rin naalis ang tingin ko sa kanya. He licked his lips unconsciously when I shrugged off the dress and the black hi-cut bikini set underneath got exposed. He has seen me wear this set earlier but the heat in his eyes as his gaze traces the scraps of cloth covering me never cooled down. The way he looks at me, it is as if it is always the first time.
"This bikini is wasted tonight. You didn't get to swim." He raised a finger and slowly traced the edge of my bra.
"There's still the shower," I pointed out.
Nagpatuloy ang mapanuksong pag-ikot ng kanyang mga daliri sa umbok ng aking dibdib. "The shower? Para lang hindi masayang ang suot mo ngayon?"
"That. And because we never did it properly in the shower."
Umarko ang kilay niya at umangat ang isang sulok ng kanyang labi sa isang mapanuksong ngiti. "I think, we did, love. That first night. Remember?"
Oh, yes I remember. At mahina siyang tumawa sa pamumula ko. Wala mang nakabukas na ilaw ngayon, maliwanag naman ang Maynila na nasa labas lang ng floor to ceiling glass walls ng kuwartong ito.
Walang sabi-sabing sinakop ng isang palad niya ang kaliwa kong dibdib. Hinayaan ko lang siya. He can touch me anywhere he wants, in whatever way he wants. "I've been inside you for what feels like a thousand times already but you still blush?"
I refused to feel shamed dahil alam ko namang hindi iyon ang intensyon ng housemate ko sa tuwing sinasabi niya ang mga ganitong bagay. When it comes to sex, Oliver San Martin has a dirty mouth. And I will not allow that same mouth to get in my way tonight.
"We did not. You tasted me then. But I didn't get to taste you. Ever."
Natigilan siya at napatalim ang pagtitig sa akin. I held his gaze. His gaze burned hotter and hungrier. Ibinuwal niya ako sa kama at inabot ang aking labi para sa isang desperadong halik na buong-puso ko namang tinugon.
"Maaari ba kitang sambahin ngayong gabi?" bulong ko.
"Tangina," bulong niya rin. "You fight dirty, Rodriguez."
Muli na naman akong siniil ng halik. Ngunit bago pa man ako muling makatugon, binitawan na niya ako at alistong bumaba ng kama. Bumiling ako padapa sa kama at pinanood siyang naghuhubad habang naglalakad sa direksyon ng ensuite. Nang nasa arko na siya ng pasilyong ngadudugtong ng kuwarto sa bathroom, nilingon niya ako.
"You know, I love you, right?"
Dahan-dahan akong tumango na ikinangisi niya.
"Good. Get your beautiful ass in the shower and worship me."
And he strutted off like a man who owns the world. Or, at least me.
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As usual po, this is raw and unedited. Please do not expect perfection.