"Yes, I can work any day beside the times I have class, but that hasn't changed since last time. I can't work Tuesday's though," I say to my manager, my phone pressed to my ear as I walk across campus.
Every other Tuesday I see my therapist and get a weigh-in done. I decide to just keep Tuesday's my known day off so even when I don't have therapy, I can relax.
"Okay. Call me if anything changes. I'll text you your schedule in a few days. I'm glad you're back and feeling a bit better," Mike responds before shortly hanging up.
I pull out my key as I approach my car, ready to go home and relax. Instead of going straight home after class, I decided to stay on campus to get some of my online work done. Being at my dark, lonely apartment will only make me more sad.
Kayla is constantly at Chance's, she still doesn't say much to me. I don't know what I did wrong, but I'm not going to apologize for moving to Los Angeles. One of Liv's nurse friends are planning to stay in my room so I didn't even screw them over with rent.
Liv, of course, went back to work. She's constantly at work or sleeping so it's hard to see her. She's great though because if I need her, she'll be there in a heartbeat.
I see my therapist tomorrow and I know she's been desperate to see me because I haven't seen her since my parents died.
I headed home and made myself some soup - a normal dinner for a warm, May day.
23 days until graduation.
I erased part of my white board on my wall, drawing in the number 23 big and the words "until graduation" a bit smaller beneath it. I just need some constant reminders.
I see my phone light up and I feel some excitement tingle throughout my body, but frown at an unknown number. I decide to answer it.
"Hi, is this Hayley?" The male voice asks.
I hesitate. "Yes it is," I reply.
Yes, this is she? This is her. Who's speaking?
I never know what to say on the phone, my awkwardness always having to make a reappearance.
"Hi, Hayley, this is John from Johnson's Cremations. I just wanted to call and let you know that we have the remains ready for you whenever you are comfortable to come pick them up. I am so sorry for your loss," he says, the pit feeling growing in my stomach.
I quickly reply. "Thank you. Uh, what time are you open tomorrow?"
"We are open from 10 AM to 4 PM."
I have my visual calendar up in my head. "Okay, great. I'll be able to be there around 1 PM," I say.
I'll pick up the ashes then head straight to therapy. I'll leave my parents to just sit in the car.
Is that what a normal relationship is like?
"Perfect. I'll see you then, thanks."
I know Liv told me she'd come with me to pick up their ashes, but it just seems more convenient to head right to therapy from there. It'll let me properly take it all out.
Knowing that I have an extremely long day tomorrow, I start banging out some more homework and coursework that I have to do.
I'm really focused and see my phone light up with a FaceTime that automatically breaks me from my focus.
"Hi, babe," Ross says immediately.
My eyebrows furrow as I take in his environment. He's in the shower with his phone propped up.
"Hi, why are we in the shower?" I ask, observing him washing his hair. I can see from his stomach up.
He smiles at me. "I am exhausted and wanted to talk to you, but I know as soon as I hit that bed, I'll fall asleep."
"Ooh, so I get show too?" I tease, watching at the water droplets pour down his chest.
Okay, not really me teasing him, it's definitely the opposite.
Ross smirks. "I missed you today, babe. How was your day?" He asks, changing the conversation.
"It was good! I got a lot of homework done. I go to therapy tomorrow and getting my parents ashes. How was your day, stinky?"
My homework is still scattered all over the bed so I decide to clean it up as we talk. "It was long. We wrote two songs today. I wrote a lot about your pretty face."
"Aw, I'm excited to hear them. Remember when you didn't like to sing in front of me?"
He glares up at me, slowly raising his eyebrows as he stares. "Remember when," he mocks, his voice high pitched.
I laugh and continue fixing up my area so I can get ready for bed. Ross turns to wash his face so I make my bed, not trying to distract him.
The apartment is still as silent as ever. Liv came home and went right to bed because she had work at the hospital all day.
I think that Kayla is avoiding me, which means the apartment as well, until I move out. She hasn't made any attempt to come home since I told her the news of moving out. It'd be one if thing if she was upset at the fact, but avoiding someone doesn't fix that.
The sound of water cuts off and it drags my attention back to my phone. "You looked deep in thought," he says, stepping out of the shower, but leaving his phone behind. "Didn't want to disturb."
"Just thinking about Kayla," I admit.
He frowns.
Liv doesn't even know what to say about the whole situation when we talk about it. She just cut me out without a problem.
Too many people do.
Kayla, Max, the whole Lynch family when Ross and I broke up. Even Ross.
He didn't really reach out to me. I was the one desperately calling him.
I'm just easy to forget about.
"Babe?"
Fuck.
Thank god I have a therapy session tomorrow.
I turn my attention back to Ross. "Sorry, what'd you say?" I say, grabbing my phone and walking to the bathroom to wash my face.
"I asked if you heard from her. Are you okay?"
I shake my head. "Nope. Wants absolutely nothing to do with me. Acting like I killed her parents or something," I mumble then look directly at the camera as soon as my brain realizes what I said. "Wow, real wrong crowd with that comment."
Ross instead cracks a smile at me. "Fuck, I miss you."
We ended the phone call about twenty minutes later with Ross starting to speak gibberish until he slowly fell into a deeper sleep where his talking turned to light snores. He was talking about how he wasn't looking forward to the long day he had in the morning, but insisted he will call me as many times as he can. Understanding I also had a busy day, he told me to answer whenever I could and we could talk for a few minutes.
When the alarm rang way too early for me, I was quick to shut it off so I can just lay staring up at the ceiling, collecting my will power to get up.
It was an hour drive to the cremation place. I keep my directions up and start my drive, hoping it goes by quick.
It takes through the back roads of Colorado and I was able to see a different view of the mountains. I had my music blasting, trying to silence any bad thoughts since I feel in a bit of a funk.
Considering the circumstances, I feel as though it is warranted.
My phone ringing interrupts my music and I quickly glance down to see who it is.
"Hi, where are you?" Liv asks as soon as I answer.
I glance back down at the directions, trying to figure out how far out I still am. "I'm going to get my parents ashes then therapy. Why, what's up?"
"Oh, okay! Rocky said you were going today so I was calling to tell you that I'm leaving work now if you wanted me to tag along. Let me know when you're on your way home from therapy and we can grab dinner!"
Liv has always been so nice to me. I'm really happy I met her in school, I truly don't know what I would do without her pure soul.
"Yes, sounds good! I'll talk to you later."
I was pulling up to the place anyway so I didn't have much time to talk regardless.
It'll be quick, in and out. Hold it together until you get back to the car.
I chant in my head, trying to engrave these directions into my brain so I don't embarrass myself even though I'm sure they've seen it all before.
I climb out and was to the small sign, Johnson's Cremations. Once through the door, a bell rings as soon as it was pushed open.
A man quickly hurries around the corner from the other room to greet me. "Hi, I'm John. Are you Hayley?"
"Hi, yes," I say back, my eyes shifting from him to the entire place.
I can't help but get chills. "Okay, great. I'll be back in one moment," he says before disappearing as quickly as he came.
There is a bowl of mints directly in front of me which I don't bother to touch along with a stack of business cards. Does anyone really take them?
This place is exactly how it'd be described in a movie. The lighting is low with a soft yellow tint, making it all feel like a constant fever dream. Soft instrumental music is playing in the background. It feels cold, but maybe that's just me overthinking it all.
"Here you are, Miss Hayley. Again, I'm so sorry about your loss," John says, placing a bag directly into my palms.
It's heavy.
I shift it to my forearm and take my other palm to press it to my body because this would be horrific for everyone if I accidentally drop them.
"Thanks, have a great night," I say back, heading to my car, my feet carrying me very quickly.
Once inside, I place them down onto the passenger seat, exhaling loudly to allow my body to relax a bit. I have a bit of a drive ahead but thankfully it's straight to therapy.
I glance into the bag and see the two small urns. Their names are engraved at the bottom.
My eyes slowly fill up with tears and I try to blink them away as I begin my drive back. As soon as I pull onto the main highway, my phone starts ringing.
My phone is propped up so I can see it's a FaceTime call. I accept it and look back toward the road.
"Hi, babe," his sweet voice takes over the speaker.
I smile sadly at him. "Hi," I reply.
"I saw you left the cremation place. How are you feeling?"
I shrug my shoulders in a pathetic motion, resisting the urge to glance down at him because I know he'd yell at me regardless.
"I'm sad," I admit solemnly. I don't really have much other words to describe it.
He doesn't hesitate to respond. "That's understandable. Are you ready for therapy?"
I nod. "Yeah, I missed her. I need a good session," I say, glancing down to see him getting into his car.
"I bet," he replies.
"Where are you going?" I ask curiously.
Ross hums. "I'm going to pick up Rocky then we are headed to the studio. I'll make sure I call you between my takes or something. Wait - how about you call me on your way home from therapy or we can talk later."
I nod, my eyes focused on the road as I take an exit back towards town. "Yeah, I'll do that. Have fun recording or writing," I tell him.
"I love you, have a good session, babe."
I smile. "I love you. Talk to you later."
With that, he hangs up and I continue listening to my music the entire way to therapy. The ride didn't bother me too much, it allowed me to decompress and prepare myself for my session.
As soon as I park, I head right inside because I only have two minutes until my scheduled time. As soon as I go to sit, the door opens and my therapist appears.
"Hi, Hayley."
And I just cried.
I cried before letting any words come out of my mouth.
She immediately frowns at me and hands me a tissue box which I pathetically grab and drop into my lap.
"Everything's just a mess," I sob.
Not how I planned for this to go.
"Talk to me. Tell me all about it. What's a mess?" She urges me to open up.
And I do. I pour everything out of my heart and onto the table.
-
A/N:
Sorry for the LONGG wait. I developed carpal tunnel syndrome bc I've been working like crazy. It made me lose feeling in most of my fingertips and aches my wrists so it's been a bitch to type anything for a long period of time.
Hope you enjoyed!! :) x