It is February, with its extraordinary cold air that blows softly- 24 °C, colorful and vibrant furry jackets are worn by everyone. The leather patterned boots that goes up tight right under their knees, heeled, and classy. All from the same shop. A trend in the cold humid of February.
The streetlights from afar have 3D hearts painted in them. The cakes and the hanged clothes in shops are in red and pink. It's almost Valentine's.
Couples are going out, holding hands. The restaurants are fully booked and cotton candies in town are scattered everywhere.
It's 11 o'clock, the smooth smell of our empty cups of almond milk from before is playing with our noses. My girlfriend is in my room right now helping me in my suit and tie.
She's going slow and she turns me slowly. She smiles weakly at me. Her face is pale, and her cheeks glows like discs.
I'm going to an exclusive men's party here at Yauhken and she can't come with me.
She taps my shoulders like there's dust in there and she crawled her hands on my red tie.
She smelled like Vanilla again today. And she fixes the stubborn waist garter of her new dress of scarlet linen, her back exposed too much, trimmed with white ruffles, the skirt falling like a heavyweight silk just above her knees and she looked like the heart of Valentine's day.
Her hands are tiny and sleek and she tugs the hem of my black suit slowly. We had a long time steam-pressing this so they'd stand up properly handsome, but they now have wilted.
She eyed me, irritated, and her clear blue eyes is saying something again.
Something if I'd ask she wouldn't tell again.
She opened her sweet pink lips and she closed it abruptly, regretting she opened it.
We stared at each other for a good while with her hands gliding inside my suit, my white buttoned long sleeves inside doesn't need to be smoothened out like that, but she does anyway.
Her hands are pressing lightly on my chest as she stares at me, and constantly tilting her head with grace.
No one talked and her winter snow face was so close to me now, so close that her ebony bangs, that sits on her forehead are softly touching mine as well. I was about to kiss her but then she stepped back, frightened.
" There. You look great. " She said, finally, as she put on a slight giggle.
I missed her.
She's here. But she feels so distant. At some point, I no longer see her. At some points, there is only me and the empty her.
We went inside the car and she's silent.
I make a joke and she laughs.
But why is it that I feel like she doesn't like me no more?
Forced, pretend, tired, and absolutely viewed her life with me as plain monotonous.
Am I overthinking?
I drop her off her house and she kissed me before leaving. A fast kiss. No tongue.
" I'll see you later babe. At eight okay? " She said and I won't say it's sweet.
I nodded. She wanted me at eight because we're having dinner together. She said she'll make my favorite. Chocolate rice.
It's not my favorite.
It's hers.
I just learned to like it with her cause she loves that so much. Seems like it's easy to like something if someone you love likes it.
" At eight. " I smiled.
" And don't drink a lot okay?! I don't want to smell you reeking Brandy when you get home. " She laughs. Tiredly.
What's the matter?
" I'll see you later. " I said, and she smiled at me, slowly blinking her eyes and closed the door.
I slowly started the car and locked my eyes on the gray concrete. The tar on the road where we used to run back n' forth, just because we find it fun at some point, and we just do, and enjoy it. Not like now that we have to plan everything.
Something is wrong. I know it. I feel it.
We don't do plans. Me and Kayla. We do things out of impulse. What excites us. What the world invites us to do.
I'll be thinking of us kissing and we already are doing it before I could finish thinking about it.
That's what we are. But now that's just how we used to be.
She's been different since the day I told her my Dad will be home soon.
No, actually it's since that incident.
Since that night in Yauhken Rilin. She's been like that.
She's always in a deep thought sometimes when I talk to her, and I worry if I did something really wrong and bothering.
It feels like she wants me to leave her everytime she asks me to come to her.
She don't push me away but she gives me this stare. This stare. Her signature stare when she sees something she's scared of.
I'm thinking what could she be so worried or scared about!
If I ask what's wrong she'll smile at me and just say. " I love you. " And she'll laugh it off and talks about how the flowers I gave her withered slowly.
She's still the same. She laughs. She gives me kisses. She cooks super sweetened foods, that sometimes I'd go vomit.
But I catch her crying in the middle of the night when she sleeps beside me. It's not too often but she does.
She cries but when I check her she stops and she pretends to be asleep.
It bothers me a lot.
We rarely go out this past few weeks also. She always say no to every invites I ask. I try to include her, I try to make her think I want her to be present when she's with me. But it's either she got a headache, allergies, or she's gonna go shopping. Alone. She doesn't bring me.
I can understand but she comes back with only herself and her car. I wonder where she goes and I don't want to follow her. Needless to do.
Why would I follow her? That will just make me the boyfriend who can't even trust his girlfriend.
I understand the so called space. My friends back in my town have girlfriend problems as well. Either their girlfriends saying they need space.
Space.
But I give her a lot of space. So much space that I could even run for a kilometer in our relationship and still not reach her.
I promised myself not to think negatively about the situation. But here I am thinking negatively.
I worry if she's starting to unlove me.
I worry that she's starting to inlove me.
It's making me crazy thinking she somehow doesn't like me anymore and she actually likes another guy.
I'm like a little boy with a plea for love but she have absolutely no intention of giving it to me.
I trust Kayla. Completely. However.
Let me tell you something about my girlfriend.
Im bad at description but she's just. Kayla, she's just, she's this girl who you can say is 'capable of everything'.
And by everything. I meant EVERYTHING.
What can I do?
If she really don't like me anymore? It's expected.
It's expected, 'cause I am nothing compared to all the men here.
They look at me here like I don't belong. Well I don't belong. I don't act like them. I don't talk like them. I don't know what's fake between real gold and rosegold.
And Kayla, she's fascinating, dainty, classy. She's that girl in the pedestal everyone adores.
A lot of guys stare at her, then me, and they'll look at me like "how the hell did this girl ended up to a lowlife, low class, former construction worker guy" like me?
They look at me like she deserves them, more than me.
And I'm starting to get insecured. I hate feeling insecured the most. It makes me hate myself. Feeling less human. Finally counting all my flaws and actually hating the fact that I worked in construction. I loved my work and I'm proud but I just felt degraded cause of that. I felt inferior most of the times. Because of their affront looks and because of Kayla.
She was a dove, and I was a crow, but painted with white.
I never felt more awkward and low in my life here at Yauhken.
And do I bore her?
If she doesn't like me anymore because I'm boring, I don't know how would I feel.
Am I overthinking this?
I talked to my Dad about it. About how I don't fit in, here at Yauhken. And he said to not worry because I'm better than most of them.
He's my Dad. Of course he'll say that.
I really wanted to ask her about my relationship with Kayla but I could not bring myself to. And in that silence he told me, " Don't worry. I'll help you in that too. "
I was shocked by the response, I even questioned myself if I asked him for real. But I know I didn't cause I was staring the whole time at the mirror.
In that too huh.
I don't know what help he really meant. Probably his forever support.
I don't need help anyways, I just talked to him about it cause I don't have no one to talk to.
Rephrase: I can't talk to Kayla about it.
I can't wait for him to get home. I'll see him soon.
" Mr. Freecss. Welcome! " A Butler greeted me as I enter the 10 ft tall mahogany french doors of the Wildick's.
--+--
It's February, and my heavy heart. The air is sure is chillier than good old November.
Every disapproving, and mocking thoughts about me in my head is playing non-stop since I started to give this day another shot for me to lie.
It's February now. It's been five months. Since I've failed and still failing.
I've failed. And I took took a turn on a leafy concrete as I felt myself loving the stale air as I jog.
I've failed, in telling him. I've failed. Over and over again.
I went fast, my steps automatically avoids every puddles from the rain last two days and there's no people on sight on this lonely pavement in Yauhken.
That November.
My supposed to be mar revelation, made by my pride, courage, and selflessness, was ruined.
I've even said to myself it's now or never.
I thought I was brave? I thought that's why I started this in the first place because I was brave enough to tell.
Yet. I've failed.
Is it because of the sudden fight? Or was it because I simply chickened out and made myself lie all over again.
But I'm trying.
I tried.
The Christmas, where we spent the night in his room drinking vodka in our burgundy red robes, the smell of raspberry candles filled the room and I was prepared. I was prepared right there to tell him.
I was waiting. For him to stop talking about his Dad, and his dreams. I was waiting for him to look at me in the eye and ask what's bothering me but he didn't. He chose to ignore my dazed look at him.
In the end. The night ended with me barely talking. He asked me in the morning and I cried.
He asks why and I said I had too much vodka. He believed it and offered me never ending kisses and cuddles and I'm fuckin hurting inside.
It hurts and I don't know if I can continue.
And I regret everything since that night.
Then the new year came. It was spent in his house again. I was making myself drunk so that I'll have the courage and he was worried about me and I held his face tight.
Looked him in the eye and I was ready. My heart is screaming to go out my chest and then the telephone rang.
His Dad called.
Should I be thankful?
I'm up for telling, then I'm always shushed.
And honestly, inside me, I don't really want him to know. It's better that way.
And now every morning I wake up, feeling like I rise up to the surface of a dirt bath. Like I was already in my grave but I kept breathing to live anyways.
The time goes by and I can feel the ocean, my own ocean, drowning me slowly. I find myself subored every single day I spend with him.
Sometimes I'm okay with it. Acted the same way. On the back of my mind I'm thinking of just actually being an official trans, so I don't have to deal on telling him.
It's an option.
But I don't know if I can do that.
He still deserves to know.
I hate the word "deserves". If the world doesn't have secrets that the people must not know but just deserves, and spilled. It'll never survive this far.
Yes. Gon deserves to know. But is it wrong if I'm hiding it to protect the both of us.
Again. I'm to blame anyway.
But why the fuck Everytime I'm eager to tell him. The motherfucking world isn't cooperating!
It feels like the author of my life wanted me to be depressed.
I will die depressed.
It feels like it doesn't want me to spill this shit and I want to hide. I want to end this. I can't do this any longer.
Honestly, if I haven't got inlove, I won't have to deal with this in the first place. I wouldn't feel this way. And my life would be better.
MY LIFE WOULD BE BETTER!
MY LIFE WOULD BE BETTER IF GON FREECSS DIDN'T EXIST IN THE FIRST PLACE!
But, my shit self also says that I don't regret meeting Gon, and was thankful that he exists.
Well..
I just regret the fact that I decided to be fake towards him. I didn't know I would fall this hard for him that I'm even questioning the decisions I made in my life.
But.. even if.
I cannot really tell him. Honestly, I don't know anymore.
On what's best?
What's best to save? Me? Gon? Our relationship? Or his trust?
What's more important? Is our lives. His life.
Because no one must know. But he's just an exception.
I'm telling Gon. For him. For the sake of his right to know. For his trust.
Although it's extremely risky.
Because Yauhken, isn't a place for me. In fact, for every family I am linked with.
And that's why I'm here. The perfect hiding place cause they won't dare enter.
I even just planned to tell Gon cause I trust him.
Question; Can I really trust Gon?
Of course. That's why I even thought of telling him.
But.. if he'll know. I'm gonna open the lid to my safe haven.
And even if I did tell him, I'm not gonna tell him my real name. My sex will be revealed but my identity? I cannot and I will not. I'm gonna get him in danger if I did.
Everyone that knows me, as Kayla, knows that I have a boyfriend and that's him.
He'll get killed. I can't have that. Cause I'll die first in this relationship.
We'll both get killed if he don't shut up. If this get leaked. If everybody will know.
I shouldn't have felt inlove. I have no room for that. And now I have my boyfriend's life to protect.
It's stupid. I'm stupid. Fuckin stupid!
Cause he's gonna be killed someday! If I'm careless. If I make a mistake. He'll get killed. Cause of me! Probably even by my family. It's not gonna be a surprise. And this bitch enemy in Yauhken, the EmRu's. the boss of it that killed Gotoh when I was five.
I don't remember him much at all. All I know was he's loved as a real family.
Having to avenge him. Is it a goal? And my family is going insane about killing them, but they can't.
I wonder why they can't?
And not just Gotoh, not to mention 5 years ago. I was 14, they came in a complete surprise, it was like a massacre and Dad threw all of us kids in the basement for protection. My mom was injured so badly in the head after, that she was in coma for three years
The enemy doesn't have weakness at all. No matter hostage we take it's fine. We lost our most prized private planes and our cargo ship of smuggled guns was bombed also. 10 elite butlers that we have perished on that bloody night. Our household was never the same since then.
My family is now slowly getting bankrupt cause of them. Everytime we get request for assassination, it'll get cancelled cause they're already dead. Got killed by them first.
Actually, my family will never become poor anyways. I told my Dad to stop. It's been years. Told him to move on. But Dad looked at me like I was out of my mind. He said I didn't understand, that I'm ungrateful. He said if he can stop he did it already. And he always brings up Gotoh, and the people who died. The whole list of what we've lost. And he said the enemy will not stop till he's dead.
I don't believe any of his shits anymore!
How can somebody be so pissed that he will not stop till you're dead?!
I don't understand anything but pure avengeful manner, and something much deeper.
I know he's lying. Hiding something.
Is the enemy an assassin?! No! And Dad won't talk! My grandfather won't talk! My mother won't talk! Us kids have no fucking idea!
My grandfather was always out the house trying to find something out this enemy and now he doesn't have his right eye.
Dad's probably getting more worried about our family. Illumi's married, I was gone, I'm not gonna take my brothers responsibility, skipped my brother Milluki cause he doesn't contribute much, and my two little siblings who only knows how to curse.
I'm not coming back. I will not come back. Making money out of deaths. And I will not get myself killed avenging deaths and the things we've lost.
We've killed people as well. And it's disgusting to know that we still have the nerve to feel sad and hurt about deaths of someone we care for. It just doesn't feel right.
But.. hearts, and humans.
I want to not feel disgusted about myself anymore and if ever someone I care for dies, I wish to mourn and will not feel like a huge clown.
If someone I care for get killed, I wish to feel anger without feeling like it's karma.
But I don't know if that will work anymore because I've killed countless people already, and I've hated myself for actually once enjoyed doing it. I'm so sick of it.
My family can move on. I know we can.
I'm angered as well cause we never really slept in peace our whole life without the thought of us dying in a sudden bomb. I've had enough of the craziness of my family with our family's arch-namesis.
Dad said, this can end. The enemy, he's got a kid, a boy. But there's no news he's got a kid but he said 'Believe me, I know'. If we can have him as hostage. But how can you find a kid who's not even existing, in the papers and shits.
And oh god Dad. That, " Believe me, I know." He is clearly hiding something from us!
We actually tried to find this kid and it's like trying to find mermaids. No names and whatsoever. And if getting the kid means actually going in the enemy's base which is every fuckin where on earth, and that we never even managed to do. Then it's clearly impossible.
But something might be possible if he stopped giving partial knowledge about the EmRu.
He doesn't even let us go with them in the operation regarding this enemy of his, even my brother Illumi. So, they're seriously not a joke.
I gave up on that. Clearly did. It's the second best decision I've made and the first was leaving.
I'm not a Zoldyck anymore. Not here, my last name's Kerr.
I took the risk, and now, I'm living the life of a free human being. I'm thankful and glad.
And as long as no one will know. I'm safe, Gon's safe.
___________________to be continued...
Now u know something. Crazy world eh? XD
This was supposed to be cut in two but...ye.
XD
Do u think Kayla's gonna have a happy end? XD u're thinking right!
A peak for the next chapter!
(..) A man? Probably in his early twenties? Or older?