Though the title is a funny joke, don't be fooled. Someone requested Deere angst so I researched and researched until I found the angstiest angst I could
dammitcarol this isn't exactly what you requested, but it is angst so I hope you like it ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ
(College AU or something)
•••
Jeremy x Jake
Jake rubs his face, sighing. He walks into the apartment building like he has a million times before. It's second nature at this point. He trudges along the ugly carpet to the rickety elevator. The steel contraption smells a little like cat piss but Jake pushes through it.
The doors open on the fourth floor. His feet drag on the floor as he stifles a yawn. He stops outside one of the apartment doors and grabs the handle.
It's locked.
It takes a second for his brain to register that the door isn't open. He tries again, but- Yep. The door is locked.
Jake comes to his boyfriend's apartment nearly every day and he can't remember the last time he hasn't just barged right in. Whether Jeremy is in the shower or watching TV, he leaves his door unlocked for Jake. Yes it's a safety hazard but it's a good system.
Jake knocks on the door.
"Jeremy, it's me" he calls, his voice a little gruff.
There's no reply. Jake sighs, knocking again. He pulls out his phone, texting him in case he is in the shower.
The Motherfucking Jake Snake
Hey babe I'm outside the door
but it's locked 😫 lemme iiiiiiin
I have food and it's getting cold 🥰😝
[delivered 11:06 pm]
Jake's tired mind doesn't realise that he is using an excessive amount of emojis. He holds the Chinese food bag in his tight fist, genuinely worried that the food is going bad.
It takes about five minutes for the door to finally open. The lock clicks on the other side. Jake pushes the door open, stepping into Jeremy's dark apartment.
He expects Jeremy to be waiting at the door to say hi and give him a kiss and take the food and talk about his day like he usually does. But Jeremy has already gone to the kitchen without Jake.
Jake would never describe their relationship as rocky and he'd never describe himself as moody, but today he just wasn't in good humour. And if Jeremy was being passive aggressive or weird, he just wasn't having it. It's just one of those days, ya know?
He follows Jeremy to the kitchen, putting the bag on the counter.
"Traffic on the way here was fucking insane" Jake says, turning to Jeremy and leaning against the kitchen counter.
Jeremy leans against the counter opposite him, arms cross and face stoney. His brows are furrowed and his jaw locked. Jake freezes.
"Jer what's wrong?"
Suddenly Jake's long day working at Wendy's and traffic problems are obsolete. Something is bothering Jeremy. Clearly thoughts have been weighing on his mind like bags on concrete and the weight was creating cracks in his happy façade.
Jeremy exhales a shaky sigh. He licks his lips as he stares at the stained tile floor.
"We need to talk, Jake"
Jake swallows, furrowing his brows.
"What's up?"
Jeremy takes a deep breath, his eyes never leaving the ground. Jake can practically see the words in Jeremy's mouth, too scared to come out.
"I need you to be honest- are you ashamed of being with me?"
Jake laughs. For half a second, it feels like everything's a big joke. Jake? Ashamed of his boyfriend? He can't believe it.
He looks back to Jeremy, and suddenly he believes it. One look at his boyfriend's face and all lightheartedness is ripped from his body. He shakes his head, chuckling awkwardly.
"What? N-no. No! Of course I'm not"
"Then tell me" Jeremy slowly snaps. "When we're outside of this apartment, why do you act like you barely know me? Why do you treat me like I'm fucking diseased?"
Jake doesn't know what to say. He just spits out incoherent noises.
"I don't- I don't . . . do that. Why would- why do you say that?"
Jeremy slaps his hands against the counter, looking all around the room except for Jake.
"Oh I don't know- how about how you never show me any affection at all? Yeah I get that some people don't like PDA and I respect that but- my god- you don't hold my hand or call me babe or kiss me anywhere except for in this apartment"
Jake lips his lips, his nostrils flaring.
"Jeremy"
Jeremy's eyes land on his kitchen cabinet.
"Jeremy please look at me"
He does. Their eyes lock and Jake feels life drain out of him. Jeremy's jaw is locked and his lips tremble.
But even as they search for answers in each other's eyes, Jake doesn't know what to say.
Jeremy throws up his hands.
"You see? You have nothing to say so let me say it for you; either you don't want anyone to know we're dating because you don't like me or you're just repulsed by me"
"Don't say that" Jake says, shaking his head. "That's not true- I'm not repulsed by you Jer, I love you. I love you so much that I moved apartments to be closer to you. I-I love you so much that I changed jobs so I had more time to spend with you!"
Jeremy shakes his head, breathlessly chuckling.
"No. No you didn't"
He pushes off the counter, stepping towards Jake.
"You moved apartments because your roommate emigrated and the apartment was too big to live in by yourself. You changed jobs because you were fired from McDonalds for never showing up to work"
Jeremy steps even closer to Jake, pressing an accusing finger against his chest.
"And even if you did do those things for me, that doesn't mean you love me. In fact, it just proves that you're stuck with me a-and I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't feel anything for me at all- GOD!"
Jake can almost feel Jeremy's hot breath against his face. He shrugs with a swallow.
"What do you want me to say, Jeremy?"
Jeremy takes a step back like he can't stand being that close to Jake.
"I just want you to be honest with me. Why won't you let me be your boyfriend?"
Jake doesn't respond. He's at a lost of words. He just stares into Jeremy's broken eyes, unsure how to answer the question they're pleading.
Jeremy breaks eye contact, bringing his icy stare to the ground.
"Just go"
"What?"
"Just fucking get out of here, Jake"
Jake doesn't move for a moment. His heart breaks as he slowly steps out of the kitchen, through Jeremy's dingy apartment to the elevator. His heart is beating in his ears somehow. The world around him has changed to white noise.
The doors slide open. He steps inside. He stares at the static style elevator floor. His limbs seem to be filled with concrete. He presses a button. When he swallows, his ears crackle. A foot stops the elevator doors from closing.
Jake's eyes trail up to meet Jeremy's face. The doors open up. Jeremy interrupts Jake before he can speak.
"You forgot the food" he holds out the bag of Chinese food.
Jake hesitates before taking the bag, using his other hand to grab Jeremy's wrist.
"Let go of me"
"Jeremy please let's talk this out"
"Let go of my arm"
"Come on man this is ridiculous" Jake pulls Jeremy into the elevator as the doors close.
"Oh so what I'm feeling is ridiculous?" Jeremy snatches his arm away from Jake's grasp, crossing his arms.
The elevator judders downwards, slowly moving towards the ground floor.
"That's not what I said" Jake states.
Jeremy scoffs.
"You know what, Jake? Shut up. You need to stop. I'm done with your excuses and your bullshit. It all just needs to stop!"
The elevator judders to a halt. Jeremy looks around, alarmed.
"Did the elevator just stop?"
"Don't complain. You're the one that wanted things to stop" Jake mutters a little too loud.
Jeremy shoots him a look before pressing the emergency bell on the elevator. Nothing happens. Jeremy takes out his phone.
"Do you have service?" Jeremy asks Jake, getting no service on his own phone.
"No" Jake states plainly.
Jeremy sighs. Jake starts banging on the elevator doors, trying to get someone's attention.
"HEY! THE ELEVATOR STOPPED! WE'RE STUCK! HEY!"
"Don't bother. The elevator is practically soundproof" Jeremy says.
"How would you know?" Jake keeps banging on the door.
"People have sex in here all the time Jake" Jeremy yells over the banging. "The ride from the ground floor to the top floor is long enough for a quick fuck"
Jake stops hitting the door, leaning against it instead.
"Oh yeah? You speakin from experience?"
Jeremy leans against the wall opposite Jake.
"Yes"
Jake furrows his brows a little. Would it be too inappropriate to suggest a quick fuck right now?
"Since we're here" Jake says slowly, deciding that now is not the time for sex. "Can we talk this out? No yelling?"
Jeremy looks his jaw, looking anywhere that isn't Jake.
"Come on" Jake slides down into the ground, sitting cross legged.
Jeremy sighs before copying him.
"It's just . . ." After all the yelling, Jeremy is struggling to find the words. "I get it if you don't like PDA or if you're shy or whatever but . . . God, you give me nothing. Not a hand hold or a stolen kiss or anything. When we're back at my apartment you can barely keep your hands to yourself but when we're outside you treat me like a friend"
Jeremy's jaw locks again, his teeth grinding together.
"I just . . ." Jake says. "I'm sorry"
"Don't apologise. I don't want an apology"
"Then what do you want from me, huh?"
"I just want an explanation" Jeremy says, finally turning weak. His stoney exterior loosens. He slouches against the wall, his face relaxes and he can feel tears build behind his eyes.
"I guess . . . I'm not used to having a public boyfriend. Yeah, I've been out for a while and we've been dating for a while, but I can't get used to being able to be public with you. It can probably be chalked up to internalised homophobia or some shit but it's not you. I'm going to try be more affectionate I promise, but I'm just not very big on PDA and it'll take time for me to get used to" Jake says, unable to tear his eyes from Jeremy's distraught face.
Jeremy keeps staring at an upper corner of the elevator. His bottom lip trembles.
"I like PDA" he finally says with a sniff. "I like holding hands and kissing and being cute out in public. I like showing my boyfriend off to the world. I like having a boyfriend who's open about his issues and concerns and possible internalised homophobia. I don't like boyfriends who make me question or relationship and fall into a pit of anxiety"
Minutes pass but they feel like hours. Guilt weighs on Jake's heart and hands and legs. He tries to swallow away the lump in his throat to no avail.
He spies the forgotten bag of Chinese food on the ground.
"Food?" He suggests, his voice breaking.
Jeremy doesn't respond. He looks down to his hands with a sniff. His hair flops over his face.
Jake lifts the bag, slowly taking out containers of food. Boxes of rice, noodles and sauce are lain out neatly in a row. At the bottom of the bag are two plastic forks. Jake holds one out to Jeremy.
"I'm not going to let you starve, Jer"
Jeremy slowly looks up. He avoids Jake's eyes, focusing on the fork. He reaches up and hesitantly takes it like it's going to electrocute him.
Jake opens the containers, sorting the food until they both have a makeshift platter. Jake spins noodles on his fork. Jeremy takes a forkful of rice and chicken. They slowly eat in silence despite neither of them having an appetite.
At some point, Jake puts his fork down on a container lid.
"Are you breaking up with me, Jeremy?"
Jeremy stops mid chew. He looks up to Jake and swallows.
"I don't know. Your emotional constipation is really fucking hard to live with"
Jake nods.
"That's fair"
There's a beat of silence. Jake holds out his hand, and Jeremy just stares at it.
"I will hold the shit out of your hand" Jake promises. "Every day. I will hold that hand so much that my own hand feels empty without it. I'll kiss you at every stop sign and cross road- I'll kiss you until i can't breathe if it means i get to keep being your boyfriend"
Jeremy keeps staring at the other's hand, eye twitching as he decided whether to take it or not.
"We should've have to get locked in an elevator to figure this shit out" he stares.
"Yeah- we got a lot more to figure out. But I'm willing to try if you are" Jake's voice is hopeful.
Jeremy takes his hand. The pair get to their feet, avoiding the food on the floor. As if on cue, the elevator judders. Jeremy lets go of Jake's hand as he grabs the elevator rail for balance. The elevator moves to the ground floor as if nothing happened as the boys stare at each other.
"So . . . what does this mean for us? Are we still Jeremy-and-Jake?" Jake asks.
The elevator doors grate open.
•••
A couple notes about this
1) he he he cliffhanger (and you'll NEVER get a part two)
2) I haven't written angst in ages I should write more
3) Deere is a really good ship I adore them
And that is all.
Eat cake, drink milk and look in the mirror and tell you reflection that you love them.
- Avery