- Yangcha's point of view – Few weeks later
We always trained when I was able to slip away from the camp. Sometimes I was able to see her several days in a row, sometimes several days passed without the possibility for me to go to her. She became better quickly. Her Igutu's instinct, allowing her to easily remember everything she saw, helped. Yet, remembering and applying what she saw were two different things. She was still not good enough to go to Arthdal and achieve her purpose and I hoped she would never be as I didn't want her to go.
We didn't talk that much. I only wrote in her hand what she couldn't understand through my eyes.
She was always on the defensive, probably afraid I would change my mind and kill her on a sudden impulse, after all I was a Daekan and she was an Igutu. I respected the distance she put between us, she had been clear, she was using me to reach her goal. And, yet, I didn't care being used as long as she was the one using me. Every encounter made my heart beat faster. It was a new sensation for me and I tried to understand it.
Training with a girl was definitely different than training with men. She had less strength but it was compensated by a sort of lightness which allowed her a certain quickness in her movements. I was trying to be as gentle and patient as I could, even though I wasn't used to being like that.
Doing my best to be good to her seemed to pay off and slowly, I got the feeling she relaxed around me, maybe because she was slowly realizing I really had no intention to kill her.
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I got injured during the hunt. The Neanthal we had hunted had not given us a break and if we had been a little less numerous he would have killed us all. The wounds weren't deep, and it was nothing compared to some of my comrades, but they were still bleeding. It was sunset, we were all supposed to rest and so, it was the perfect time for me to sneak out from the camp. I quickly covered my injuries with a strip of clothes, took back my sword and chains then I slipped away from the camp to meet her.
It was easy to find her, she always left small traces only I knew were left on purpose. When she saw me, her eyes opened wildly.
"Yangcha, you are hurt," she murmured as she had put a hand in front of her mouth. She approached me, examined my wounds, "how did you get- nevermind," she interrupted herself, "this bandage, you did it yourself, didn't you? I am sorry to say that but it's not really well done."
How did I got injured ? She knew it well, that's why she couldn't finish her question. I looked at the bandage I made, she wasn't wrong, I really didn't do it correctly, because I wanted to slip away for the camp as soon as I had the occasion to.
"Let me do that bandage again. Sit down," she ordered, and I was surprised how authoritative she had sounded.
Confused, I frowned. She had told me she was just going to use me and I was ok with that so why did she want to help me treat the wounds I got from hunting her people ? Did she actually care for me now ?
She sighed seeing me standing still, she led me to a small stump near the river and made me sit. She removed the bandage I had improvised on my arm and put it away. She didn't seem bothered by the fact my blood had got on her hands. She took a piece of clothes and humidified it, then she squatted in front of me and started to wipe the blood I had on my arm.
Then she stood up and went away for a short moment before she came back with wild flowers. She explained to me that those flowers were going to help the wound heal faster and so she mashed them and applied her preparation on my wound. The contact of her mixture made me groan in pain and she apologized. I shook my head, it was nothing to be sorry for. She gave me a small smile before she wrapped the wound with a new bandage. I didn't realize I was staring at her until our eyes met and we both looked away. I wondered if she could actually hear how my heart was beating faster than it should be.
I needed to distract myself from the actual thoughts passing through my mind and so, I took her hand and traced characters in it.
"How do you know how to treat wounds?" I wrote.
"I read a lot of books," she simply replied. I saw her hesitate to tell me more and so I encouraged her to continue, "I wanted to know how to help my people when they were sick or injured, but actually, I am the one who got injured the most. My father always said I was quite clumsy."
It made me smile. I could only agree with her father. She was clumsy for sure. It had been only a few weeks we started training together but her own feet were her biggest enemy. I couldn't even count the number of times she got hurt by herself. That was a point we had to work on.
She smiled, a shy smile she probably wore to hide her embarrassment. For a moment, I could distinguish sadness in her eyes though she wasn't looking at me. She probably missed her family.
Our eyes met again but this time I didn't look away and neither did she.
- Could you... remove your mask ?
I blinked fastly out of surprise. That was a question I hadn't expected and I wondered why she wanted me to do such a thing all of a sudden.
- The blood on your face, I can't wash it away if you don't remove it...
I didn't know why I was kind of disapointed that she only wanted to wash away the blood. What was I actually expecting her to do ? I really was losing my common sense with her.
I wasn't used to taking off my mask. But after all, that was only a way of telling others I couldn't talk, that was more of a symbol than anything. As long as I didn't talk I wasn't breaking my punishment, plus because I wrote everything I wanted to say to her on her palm, I was already breaking it with her anyway.
I directed my hands to the strings that were maintaining my mask on my face and I took it off. I kept my head lowered, somehow I kind of felt embarrassed to reveal myself.
- How am I going to wash the blood away if you lower your head ? She asked, before raising my head gently.
She smiled and that smile made my heart beat even faster, her face was really close to mine. She washed the blood on my face and neck softly. I had never looked at her that close, she was, indeed, really beautiful. Our eyes met several times and she looked away everytime. I didn't, I couldn't look away from her as I may never had the opportunity to look at her from that close. I noticed her cheeks were redder than before. Was she actually blushing ? Was she feeling like I did ?
"I am done," she said, staring at me, "but Yangcha, why exactly do you wear a mask?" she asked with hesitation in her voice.
I frowned, she was quite curious that day but it didn't actually displease me.
- Sorry, forget that, I shouldn't have asked, it's none of my business, it's not like we are friends or something... She added, embarassed as she stood up.
I caught her hand and opened her fist, "punished. Can't talk," I wrote.
"Punished? What for?"
"Secret, can't tell you, sorry."
"Was it Tagon? The one who punished you?"
I nodded.
"What kind of punishment is that? There's something wrong about him for sure. Does he think he is your dad or something? Even if it was the case, it is not like you are three years old, you are old enough not to be punished," she complained.
She almost sounded like she cared, like it bothered her that I was punished and it was amusing to witness.
"For how long have you been punished?"
"Seven years."
She looked stunned, as if she couldn't believe I had been able to respect my punishment for so long and yet, it was an easy thing to do for me. "That's sad, you were only 10 at that time. Punishing someone like that is wrong," she said in a low voice.
Sad? I had never thought of it that way. I had never questioned my punishment. That was Tagon's order so I had to obey. I never thought about the fact it was right or wrong knowing it had probably saved my life.
She squatted in front of me again and looked at me directly in the eyes.
"You can't talk because you are punished but if you wanted to, could you actually talk? I mean, Tagon didn't, you know, your tongue?"
I stuck out my tongue to show her that, no, I wasn't tongueless.
"Oh that's a great thing then," she said with a sigh of relief before she laughed lightly.
Her laugh was melodious and her eyes were sparkling. She was lovely.
"But Yangcha, you said you were punished from talking but in a way, aren't we talking?"
I love the way my name sounded when coming out from her mouth, it was different from the impact it had on me when it was from Tagon, with her, it was sweeter.
She had given me her hand again even without me having to gesture to her to do so. She knew now when I wanted to tell her something, in a way, we were starting to understand each other without words. "We are. Breaking the rules a little, only with you," I wrote.
"Oh, I see," she replied as she tried to hold her smile back but failed, "somehow it seems you do like to break the rules with me, you must have a rebellious side," she joked before she stood up. "Sorry for bothering you with my questions, I was just curious," she said with a smile.
I shook my head. Those questions hadn't bothered me at all, it was rare for people to show real interest in me, I was a silent shadow most of the time so people didn't bother talking to me. Only a few Daekans and Tagon actually showed interest and concerns about me.
But in her case, it wasn't only curiosity I could detect. I could feel she was trying to know who I was, to understand me and that it was pleasant to let her do so. Somehow, I had the impression she could help me understand a part of me I didn't know well yet.
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The more the days passed, the more I noticed she opened up to me. Though there was still sadness in her eyes, she smiled and laughed more than when I had met her again on that hill weeks ago.
Maybe she was starting to trust me after all. I hoped she was.
I had never wanted more before I met her. I had never wanted anything before anyway. Who was I to have wishes? My life had only one purpose: serving Tagon. But that was before I met her, she was making me feel different. My goal was still to serve Tagon but a part of me wanted to know her more, to let her continue confusing me on my beliefs, on my feelings.
I wanted to understand why I wanted to be different with her but the closer I was getting to her the more confused I was.
What exactly were those feelings ?
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A few weeks had already passed since I got hurt. Thanks to the appointment she had applied, the wound had healed well without even leaving a scar.
We had planned to meet that night, and when I had the perfect opportunity to go, I went to her without hesitation.
When I spotted her, she was pacing back and forth, apparently lost in her thoughts and when she noticed me, she approached me with quick steps and just in the way she walked I could feel something was wrong.
"Yangcha, Tagon, Tagon is an Igutu," she mumbled.
I wondered how she could know such a thing. That was Tagon's biggest secret, the one I had helped him protect for years. So how, in a couple of weeks, had she managed to find out such a big thing?
"You- you don't seem surprised," she said as she tilted her head.
I looked away and sighed. Of course, I wasn't surprised. Tagon's blood color hadn't stayed a secret for me for long. I had discovered it two years after I had integrated the Daekan Forces, seven years ago, and no words had come out from my mouth since that day.
"You knew," she accused.
I nodded. I didn't want to lie to her after it had taken me weeks to have her finally trusting me a little.
"But why? Why would an Igutu take part in the slaughter of people of his own kind? That makes no sense."
"Complicated," I wrote in her hand. I couldn't explain to her all the details, firstly because I didn't have the right and I was already telling her too much and secondly because it would be way too long to write on her hand and finally, because the truth was, I was already supposed to kill her for knowing such a thing and though I wouldn't do it, keeping a few thing for myself was making me feel like I wasn't entirely breaking my oath.
"The other warriors, do they know too?" she asked.
I shook my head. Of course they didn't know though I had always been curious of what their reactions would be if they were to know. Would they still follow Tagon for the great leader he was or would they give up on him just because his blood color was different?
"So you are the only one who knows?"
I nodded, Tagon would never tell that to any of the others. The order was to kill anyone who discovered his secret, no matter who that person was.
- The punishment... he punished you because you know his secret didn't he ?
I nodded again.
She took a step back and looked at me with distrust, "what are you going to do to me now that I know?"
I gestured to her to give me her hand, she seemed hesitant for a short moment but she complied anyway. "Nothing," I simply wrote and before she had the time to withdraw her hand I traced other characters: "but you can't talk about it, keep it for yourself."
She seemed confused, maybe a little bit surprised, she looked at me and smiled. "Who would I tell anyway? The trees don't mind about the color of his blood," she joked before she laughed lightly.
When I asked her how she had found out she explained to me she had approached the camp a little more than usual to watch the training better. When she saw Tagon, she felt it: she explained to me how Igutus and Neanthals could feel when they were next to one another. Tagon had turned around but fortunately, he hadn't noticed her.
I felt like scolding her for having been reckless and dangerously approached the camp but it wasn't something I could easily do by writing and she would have certainly taken it wrongly anyway.
To satisfy her curiosity, I ended up telling her what I knew, briefly, without details. Tagon was Sanung's son but his mother was a Neanthal named Mutruv. He had been raised in Arthdal and he had never seen his mother. His father had ordered him to kill everyone who discovered his blood wasn't red. Tagon and I had an agreement, that was why I was still alive but under an oath of silence.
"Alright then, let's not talk about it again. I will pretend I don't know, except if I get caught, in that case I will use it against him for sure," she told me with a satisfied smile.
I took a deep breath and sighed contentedly. It was a chance for her to be so understanding. I knew she wouldn't tell anyone about Tagon's secret, I knew I could trust her.
"Let's practice. I saw that Mugwang, or whatever his name is, using a technique I want to master too," she said as she unsheated her sword, spinned it and then walked away to search for a better training ground.
I followed her with a smile she couldn't see. Somehow I found her adorable.
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Her smile, her laugh, her touch, her look... When I closed my eyes I only saw her. When I thought about her my heart got confused and my heartbeat fasten, what was I supposed to do ? With what words could I express the feelings filling me when I looked at her ?
Maybe we were friends ?
No, we weren't friends. I was sure of that. Because that couldn't explain why she was confusing me. Mugwang always said I was his friend but he had never made my heart beat faster.
So was that love ?
Love, what was it exactly? I didn't really understand what it was. I had never loved before so how was I supposed to know if what I was feeling for her was love or not?
Maybe it was wanting to see her, to be with her every time I could. Maybe it was thinking about her all the time. Maybe it was feeling comfortable with her, not having to play a role in front of her, feeling safe telling her about things she shouldn't know about.
That was that, my mind and my heart were filled with her and I couldn't help it, that was probably love after all.
Yes, that was love. I loved her.
But how could I look at her for her to know what was in my heart?
I didn't want to mess up everything nor did I want her to get scared or run away.
I wanted to protect her. To protect her smile, her laugh. Because at some point it seemed like she was crying even when she was smiling.
I hoped that if a long time passed, she would probably know my heart by then. But even if she knew, I doubted she would be able to accept it. I was a Daekan, one of those who had slaughtered her family. Even if I had protected her, even if I was now helping her, that wasn't enough to ask for forgiveness and even less to hope she would share my feelings.
But for now, I just wanted to stay by her side, I just wanted to get closer to her, steps by steps. I would stand behind her and protect her, no matter what could happen, without asking for anything in return. I wouldn't let anything happen to her. I would be there every time she needed it.
So that was the only thing I could do, loving her quietly, hoping she would love me one day too.