"Anger is the emotion we snatch up to avoid less comfortable feelings-- confusion, fear, sadness."
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•Rae•
Placing the cup of coffee in front of Kyle's mom, I sit next to her on the couch.
Kyle's expression is still replaying in my mind. I wanted to follow him when he stormed out earlier, but I knew he wouldn't listen to me when he was feeling so angry. From the hurt look on his face when he realised what I did, I knew he felt like I betrayed him in the worst way possible. So I decided to leave him be and invited her to come in.
"So, I take it you were the one who sent the text to Shawn?" she says uncertainly.
I look up at her and nod. Earlier when I decided to send that text behind his back, I knew something like this would happen. But even if Kyle would refuse to talk to her or even slam the door on her face, my plan was to follow after her. I knew if I missed that chance I would never be able to meet her. But now that we're sitting next to each other, I can't get a word out.
"Did you two meet in the... institution?" she asks me, her tired eyes studying my face.
I nod again. God I really need to start talking.
She reaches for the cup and cradles it between her palms. "I... I saw you at the funeral. Jessica was there too. How did they find each other?"
"Shawn helped him find her after Kyle got released," I tell her.
She takes a sip from her coffee, but even from the side I can see that she's about to cry. "Is she... um, how is she doing?"
"She's doing great," I assure her. "She's happy."
She nods, and I feel the need to say something else.
"Mrs. Davis--"
"Martha," she corrects me, giving me a small smile.
"Martha," I say, returning her smile. "Don't worry, time will fix everything. They're upset because they think you didn't want them, that you abandoned them. But that's not the truth, is it?"
"No," she says without skipping a beat. "I still love them just as I always did. The last thing I wanted was to abandon them."
As much as I don't want to judge her, I can't help but wonder why a mother would leave her son in a mental institution and never visit him again.
Noticing the look on my face, she sighs and puts the cup back on the table.
"I know what I did was wrong, and there's nothing I can say to justify my actions. But I had my reasons at the time. When Jess ran away, I really did try my best to get her back. I went as far as to stalk her friends in case they meet up with her, but it never happened. I could've tried harder, I shouldn't have given up, but Jim... he said he wouldn't accept her back even if she returned home. He was furious. At that point, I-- I actually didn't want her to come back home. I missed her but I thought she was happy there, you know? Living a better life. I didn't want her to suffer anymore."
"But she was so young, she needed her parents," I can't help but say. So much for not being judgmental.
Thankfully, Martha doesn't seem to mind me stating my opinion. She reaches out to hold my hand, the desperation clear on her face. "I know I was wrong, I'm not trying to make excuses. But please, sweetheart please help me. I'm begging you. I need my children back. Please."
"I--I..."
"Just try to convince them to give me another chance, that's all I'm asking. I'll be a better mom this time, I assure you."
I nod, my heart aching at the sight of her tears. "I'll do my best, Martha. I also want you guys to start over."
"I know, Angel. You're the one who sent the address knowing he would be angry with you. Thank you for that."
Nodding, I reach for the drawer under the table to hand her some tissues. She accepts it gratefully and starts wiping her eyes.
"I should go now. You'll get in more trouble if he comes back and finds me here." She sniffs, standing up from the couch before I could reply.
"Martha," I call out, following her to the door.
She turns to me. "Yes?"
"How will I reach you? I don't know your address..."
"Oh, I'm sorry," she says holding a hand to her forehead. "I didn't think of that. Let's exchange phone numbers so we can call each other."
She hands me her phone as I do the same, and we dial our numbers before giving it back to each other. She turns back to leave, but her hand pauses on the door knob and she suddenly looks back at me. "What's your name?"
"Oh uh-- Rae. Raelyn."
"Rae." She shakes her head, amused. "Fitting name, isn't it? Since you are a ray of sunshine in my life right now." She looks genuinely happy for the first time since I saw her. "I can't thank you enough. For being there for my son when I couldn't be."
I only nod, and she smiles at me before walking out.
I walk back to the couch and sit facing the window. It's getting dark. I grab my phone wanting to call him, but I can't. My hands pause in the middle of dialing his number. Maybe I should give him some space. No... I should be there for him. I'm torn, but at last I decide to give him some time to think.
Wrapping the blanket around myself, I switch on the TV. But I can't concentrate on anything. I just continue to stare at the screen, lost in my own thoughts.
The time drags by agonisingly slow. When I'm with Kyle, I don't even know how time flies by so fast. I still can't believe it's been six months since we moved in together.
I glance at the clock. 9:52 pm. I bite my lip and think about it for a moment. He's had a few hours to himself, now would be the time to call. I dial his number and hold my breath, ready to apologize and tell him to come home.
But he doesn't pick up.
I sigh and slump back on to the couch, not wanting to leave a text. I try again after a few minutes, but he still doesn't pick up.
When I go into the kitchen to drink some water, I hear my phone ring and run back to the couch. But when I pick it up, I look at the contact name and sigh.
"Hey, Jess," I greet her.
"Hey, losers!" She sounds even more excited than this morning, which is saying something.
"Loser," I correct her with a sigh. "He's not here."
"What, is he taking a shower at this time of night?" she asks me, but continues without giving me a chance to reply. "Anyway, I'm having the best time of my life here. I wish you guys were here. His family's so cool you wouldn't even believe it. His dad is seriously the coolest dad ever. I have no idea why his mom divorced hi-"
"Jess!" I cut her off with a warning tone.
"Oh don't worry, no one's here. I'm in our room now and Trevor went to... I don't even know where he went-- I'm feeling high right now." She squeals.
No, I won't tell her what happened. Knowing Jess, she'll probably pack up and leave right now so she can be there for Kyle. And Martha's her mom too, so this will affect her as much as it affects him. So I won't ruin her happiness now.
"Anyway, I'll call you guys tomorrow!"
"Okay, have fun."
I sit down on the couch again, and minutes turn into hours. I'm worried sick right now, so I text Trevor and tell him we had a fight and that he wasn't picking up his phone. I ask him to check if he's okay without Jess finding out. But he texts me a few minutes later to tell me that Kyle isn't picking up for him either.
The sound of lightening and thunder makes me jump. Shit, it's gonna rain.
Soon enough, the rain is falling heavily with the occasional lightning in between. I glance at the clock again. Midnight.
I feel the cold, and my hands tighten on the blanket wrapped around me. The blanket that he brought from the bedroom. I'm sitting here warming myself up while he's out there in this whether doing God knows what. Pushing the blanket away as if it suddenly burned me, I get off the couch. There's no way I'm going to wait here.
I run to the bedroom, grab my umbrella, and put on my shoes before rushing outside. The umbrella doesn't make much difference because the wind keeps trying to knock it out of my tight grip. It takes some time, but I manage to find a cab and head to the nightclub we usually go to with Jess and Trevor. I go inside and look around, but he's no where to be found. My wet clothes are clinging to my form, leaving little to the imagination. Some of the men stare at my body up and down, making me uncomfortable.
I go to a few other nightclubs but can't find him in any of them. So he isn't drinking then. What else could he be doing? It stops raining by the time I get to the last club I know. So I give up and head back home, on the verge of crying.
But as I get to our apartment and close the door behind me, I find Kyle lying down on the couch. He's wearing the same clothes as earlier, but they're soaked. So he must've came home before it stopped raining.
He doesn't look up at me as I walk closer to him.
"I was looking for you," I say breathlessly, shivering from the cold.
Since his eyes are open, I know he isn't asleep, but he makes no move to acknowledge my presence. And I know there's no point in trying to talk to him now.
"I'm sorry for what I did, but I did it for you," I tell him before dragging my feet to the bedroom.
I know Kyle won't come to bed tonight, so I change into my pajamas and crawl into the sheets. My phone chimes and I see a text from Jess.
[Hey Rae, Trevor told me what happened and Kyle isn't picking up his damn phone did he come home yet???]
Trevor is a horrible liar so I'm sure she found out I texted him when he got all nervous trying to hide it from her.
[Yeah everything's ok now don't worry.] I text back.
I keep telling myself everything would be okay between us, but I end up crying myself to sleep.